Disclaimer: I only write the fanfic, not the characters and whatnot. That's all Squeenix's. Also, this is still spoiler territory since this takes place in the aftermath of CoM. This will pretty much be the last chapter of that arc. Spoilers ahead. Sort of.
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Not That I Care
Chapter 12
Sleeping Dogs
The cruelest lies are often told in silence.
--Robert Louis Stevenson
Roxas is in the Dark City, relieving some stress. Two days without a mission; the boredom was starting to get to him, as were the headaches. He has found that actual activity makes them less painful, though today they've been at their most intense. On his way down here earlier, a headache came on so horrible, and so suddenly, that Roxas is pretty sure he passed out.
Though that was several hours ago; several hours without a headache, and Roxas is starting to wonder. There's no sense in getting his hopes up, but freedom from pain, even a brief respite, will do that to you.
Maybe they've peaked and gone away, he thinks, and immediately curses for jinxing himself. He forces himself to concentrate on fighting the Shadow Heartless that have him surrounded. The Dark City is excellent for training and venting stress; there's no end to the Heartless supply. And if the headaches do come back and succeed in knocking him out, he shouldn't be in too much danger, as the Heartless in this area are all Shadows.
He swings, cutting through a mass of darkness. The street is cast in pink light as hearts float upward toward Kingdom Hearts, high above. He watches the hearts go for a moment before turning to deal with the others.
Kairi…
The name has been on his mind for two days now, ever since the experience in the Wonderland forest. Somehow she saved him then, yet Roxas has no idea how or why, whether she was really there or just an illusion. When he thinks of her, he can almost smell hot sand and saltwater, almost hear the sound of palm fronds in a breeze. Like the sand and the palm trees, she's familiar, an answer on the tip of his tongue—and yet no matter how hard he tries, he can't remember.
Was she part of my old life? Before I became a Nobody and forgot everything?
Roxas drives his Keyblade through another handful of Heartless, and the rest pull away to regroup, watching him from a distance.
"Kairi…" Roxas mutters to himself, trying it out. He likes how it sounds.
"Roxas."
Roxas spins around, startled by a voice behind him. Luxord has appeared out of nowhere. Roxas doesn't know him too well, as they haven't had much contact, but Luxord has always struck him as the cool, unfazed type. Right now there is a flicker in his blue eyes. Roxas is immediately on guard.
"I thought you'd be here," Luxord says, looking between Roxas and the Heartless behind him. "We've been looking for you."
"Mission?" Roxas asks, glad for the distraction.
"Not exactly," Luxord mutters, and Roxas frowns. "Team Oblivion has returned…in a manner of speaking. It looks like the experiment failed."
Roxas checks over his shoulder for the Heartless, which are now slinking away before the two Nobodies. Then he steps forward, fixing his gaze on Luxord.
"Failed how?" Roxas asks, his voice low and stony.
Luxord rubs his goatee. "Axel is the only one who made it back," he says. He pauses, frowning at the ground as if it confuses him. "He's wounded…we're not sure if he's going to make it."
For a moment, Roxas just stares at Luxord, as all the sensation seems to leave Roxas's body. Then he raises his hand and summons a dark portal, stepping inside before Luxord can say another word.
Roxas reappears in the castle and takes off running down the halls.
Axel, wounded? The rest of the team missing? What the hell happened? How could the experiment just fall apart like that? Is this all that Sora's doing? Is he really that powerful?
A memory comes unbidden to Roxas's mind, of when he and Axel were in the jungle and found the monkey and its baby. About how in that moment Roxas felt more real than he has in his whole life.
"Roxas, are we friends?"
Roxas runs faster.
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There's no real clinic or hospital in the Castle That Never Was, since there aren't any doctors, at least not in the medical sense. Xigbar is about as close as anyone comes, and no one really trusts him anyway. However, there is a place down around the laboratories, with cots and bandages and medicine, where Nobodies go after being injured.
It's there that Roxas finds them.
The others are there crowding the hall; Luxord has arrived before Roxas. Roxas skids to a stop, panting, and Xigbar catches him by the shoulders.
"Whoa, man, don't you go getting yourself killed too."
"Where is he?" Roxas demands. He tries to look past Xigbar and the others, but they're all so damnably tall. The door to the makeshift hospital is closed; Axel isn't here, and neither is the Superior. "What happened?"
"Chill, man," Xigbar says, frowning down at him through his one eye. Then he jerks his head toward the room. "He's resting in there. The Superior's debriefing him now, just in case."
"Just in case of what?"
"It's bad, kid," Xaldin rumbles.
"But he's gonna make it, right? I mean he's…" Roxas bites his lip to stop himself from yelling it. "He's Axel."
Xigbar heaves a sigh. "Yeah, well, looks like not even that hothead is indestructible."
"It doesn't matter, so long as he can explain what happened there before he dies," Saïx says. He is leaning against the wall casually, his eyes closed. Rage lances through Roxas like a hot wire.
"Shut up, Saïx," Demyx snaps. "He's one of us, in case you forgot."
Saïx just snorts. "You seem awfully worried about him, Roxas. Afraid for your friend are you? You've already forgotten the lesson I taught you? You never do listen to your elders."
Roxas ignores him; there are more important thing right now.
"Someone just fill me in," he growls. "What the hell happened?"
"It looks like the rest of the team is dead," Demyx says, and only Roxas hears the shake in his voice. "I guess this Sora guy was a lot stronger than we thought."
"It also looks like Marluxia was guilty of treason," Xaldin puts in. "Eggs benedict is what Axel said."
"Guess the Superior was right about mutiny," Xigbar says, folding his arms and looking rather disconcerted. "Who'da thought it, huh, Nobodies turning against each other? Damn, I hate traitors. It's fucked up, I'll say it right now. Damn good thing flower-boy got himself killed or I'd blow his fucking brains out."
"And how are we to know that Axel isn't the traitor, Xigbar?" Saïx says, inspecting his cuticles. "It is rather extraordinarily convenient that he is the only one to have survived. Though I daresay he will not be surviving much longer."
Roxas has a sudden flashback to the fight with Saïx, and something the older Nobody said:
"If the Oblivion Project does indeed go to hell, Axel will be the one to bring it down. He will be the one to mysteriously survive, while all the others die."
No way, Roxas thinks, gritting his teeth against this dark thought. Axel wouldn't betray the Organization. He wouldn't betray me.
"That's what the Superior is finding out," Luxord says firmly. "There's no point in speculating yet."
"Guilty of treason how, though?" Roxas pushes. "And what about Sora?"
"I guess flower-boy tried to take control of Sora so he could use him to take over the Organization, or some such," Xigbar says, shrugging. "Plan backfired and Sora ended up killing him. Sounds like that girl, Naminé or whatever, started acting on her own."
"And ended up helping Sora," Xaldin adds.
But how does Axel play into all of that? Roxas thinks rather frantically, chewing on his lip. Whose side was he on? Did he get hurt fighting Sora or fighting another Nobody? Damn it…
The door to the hospital room creaks open and the Superior steps out, closing the door behind him. Conversation ceases as everyone turns expectantly to Xemnas. He regards them all for a moment from the black depths of his hood. Roxas realizes he's holding his breath and forces himself to keep breathing.
"Number Eleven and Number Twelve betrayed the Organization," he says. "They intended to take the Keyblade Master and use him to take us over. Number Four and the others saw this and worked against the traitors. However, things happened that not even I foresaw. The first was that someone else appeared in the Castle, a friend of the Keyblade Master's—a boy named Riku. He is the one who became a conduit for the former leader of the Heartless, Ansem. We thought he was lost to the darkness…how he escaped, I cannot fathom." Xemnas pauses to shake his head.
"The other Numbers worked to take Riku over in order to retaliate against the traitors. Number Eight, meanwhile, under my personal instruction, worked to investigate Number Eleven. But then the second thing happened that we could not foresee—the Memory Girl, Naminé escaped our control and started acting on her own. The team disintegrated, and both the Keyblade Master and Riku escaped us. The Numbers either killed each other during the mutiny or were killed by the Keyblade Master and Riku."
The Superior sighs heavily and spreads his arms.
"The Oblivion Project has been a monumental failure, and we have lost several of our members to this mess," he says, only the barest of disappointment showing in his voice. "The Keyblade Master has gone into cold sleep to restore his memories, and Naminé, among…others…will be protecting him. Riku, meanwhile, has disappeared. We have no hope of capturing either of them now."
"But what about…" Roxas stops quickly, remembering himself. Xemnas looks toward him, and for awhile he doesn't say anything. Roxas wishes his hood was down so that he could read his face.
"He has requested to see you, Number Thirteen," Xemnas says at length.
Relief floods Roxas. He's alive. He's still alive.
"Excuse me, sir," Roxas says, and moves past him to the door.
"The rest of you may return to your missions," the Superior continues. "I'll hold an emergency meeting tonight to discuss what our new direction will be."
"All them dead, huh?" Xigbar says from the background as Roxas opens the door. "Kinda a shame, I guess. Is the pyro gonna survive at least?"
Roxas closes the door behind him before the Superior can answer.
The room is dim, and Roxas can just make out the cot a few feet away. There are no windows, and the room is surprisingly cold, colder than the rest of the castle. Roxas leans back against the door for a moment, then starts to make his way toward the cot. The space where his heart was seems to be contracting.
"Axel?"
"Roxas?" says a weak voice from the direction of the cot, followed by a cough. "Is that you? I can't see…"
"It's me." Roxas reaches the edge of the cot and looks down. It's one of the few times Roxas has seen Axel with his hair unspiked. It's rather frazzled and damp; his face is as pale as a moon; his once-bright eyes seem dim. His coat is crumpled on the floor beside the cot, great slashes through it.
Axel tries to focus on Roxas and fails.
"Roxas…" he says in that same weak voice. "Come closer…I want to see you…"
"You're not…you're not really dying, are you?" Roxas asks, but he obeys and leans closer.
Axel gives a tiny, sad smile. "Please…closer."
Roxas leans down further. Why is he acting like this? He can't…I mean…
"Closer," Axel says in a croak. Roxas leans close enough to feel Axel's breath on his face.
"Axel—"
"Shh. There's something…I want to tell you…before I…"
"Listen, don't talk like that. You're Axel. You can't die," Roxas insists, aware that he is shaking now.
"Please…just listen." Axel looks desperate. Roxas shuts up.
Oh God, this can't be…
"Roxas," Axel whispers. "I will…always…love you."
Roxas stares at him for a moment in incredulity. Then he yanks the pillow out from under Axel's head and beans him in the face.
"Ow! Don't hit the invalid!" Axel yelps, but then he breaks down laughing. "Oh God, you should have seen your face!"
Roxas hits him again, harder this time.
"You son of a bitch!" Roxas yells. "You bastard! I was fucking worried, you know! You asshole! God damn it, I should have known you were faking!"
Axel can't stop laughing, curling on his side and raising one hand to defend himself as Roxas smacks him a few more times with the pillow.
"You're just mad because I totally fucking got you. You're so gullible! Oh man, that look, that was freaking priceless! You really thought I was dying!" Axel's voice becomes breathy and girlish. "Oh, Roxas, I love you, I need you, taaaakkkkeee meeeee!"
Roxas throws the pillow at Axel's face and leaves it there. He thinks briefly of smothering the bastard.
"You fucking…" Roxas jerks away, paces a few feet, then turns back, arms folded, furious. "Don't do that to me. I can't believe you! I was…god damn it, I was really worried, I really thought you were…"
Axel peers at him from under the pillow, a ridiculous shit-eating grin on his face.
"You obviously don't know me that well, then," he says, more gently this time. "But, check it out. I'm alive, see? Well, injured, and oh fuck, laughing like that hurt, but alive. Come on, admit it, it was funny."
Roxas grumbles something incomprehensible even to himself and turns away. He can feel Axel watching him.
"Roxas. Roxxaaaaas. Roooxxxaaasss, I love you. Kiss me, Roxie!"
"Just stop," Roxas says, in the harsh tone he has perfected in his days with the Organization. Axel stops.
"You're not really mad, are you?" Axel says, sounding concerned now. "Come on, I was joking. Lighten up, man."
"I've decided something," Roxas says, voice quiet. "I can't stand it here anymore." He pauses ominously. "I'm going to leave the Organization."
For awhile, Axel says nothing.
"Now, wait a sec," he says finally, and Roxas hears him sit up in the bed. "You can't just leave…I mean, why would you leave? Just because I pissed you off? Come on, that's stupid! It's not…"
Roxas turns toward him, and Axel trails off when he sees Roxas's face.
Then Roxas gives a wicked grin.
"Gotcha."
Axel narrows his eyes for a moment, but then his face brightens and he returns the smile.
"Oh-ho, touché. Well-played. Roxie, my love."
Roxas shakes his head, and then suddenly he's laughing. Laughing because it's all so pathetic and ridiculous, and Axel is alive, and even after surviving a Nobody civil war Axel hasn't changed in the slightest. He doubles over, leaning against the wall for support. Axel starts laughing as well.
"You're an asshole," Axel points out.
"You're a freak," Roxas returns, still laughing.
"Seriously, though," Axel says, once he has stopped chuckling. "It's good to see you again, shorty. See you haven't grown an inch."
"I see you've still got a death wish," Roxas says, looking him over. Axel wasn't lying about being injured, at least. "Good to see you, too. A lot's happened."
"Oh man, you shoulda been there," Axel says, grinning suddenly. "Everything totally went crazy. Best fireworks ever. I think you would have liked it."
"No, I'm the sane one, remember?"
Axel laughs again, but then he winces and clutches his abdomen. The bandages there are black with lost darkness.
"You should rest," Roxas says, trying not to let concern leak back into his voice, knowing Axel will pounce on it.
"Sleep is for the weak," Axel says vehemently, though Roxas can see the tiredness in his eyes. Roxas shakes his head, smiling.
I never will understand you. You idiot.
"Just get some rest, dumbass," Roxas says. "We'll talk if you're still alive when you wake up."
"Yes, Mom," Axel sneers, slipping the pillow back under his head and flopping back down, arms behind his head. Roxas rolls his eyes and heads for the door, but then Axel speaks again as Roxas grabs the handle.
"Hey, wait. Tell me one thing at least."
"What?"
Axel eyes him from across the room, a strange look on his face.
"Did anything…weird happened while I was away? I mean, like, to you?"
Roxas watches him. He thinks about telling him about Saïx and the fight with him, about the headaches, about the phantom girl named Kairi…but then he decides against it.
Not now, at least.
"Not really," Roxas says, and opens the door. "Don't go disappearing on me."
Before he closes the door again, he thinks he hears Axel reply, "I won't."
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The Superior, in an unbelievable fit of generosity, gives Axel two days off to recover. Roxas thinks he needs it; the injuries are a lot worse than he initially thought. Axel lost a lot of blood, er, darkness. He spends most of the time in the Superior's office anyway, though, answering questions. Roxas thinks Xemnas just wants details, though every time Axel leaves he looks upset about something. There's no real opportunity to talk to him until midway through the second day.
"I am so fucking sick of endless night," Axel says without preamble when Roxas walks up to him. "Trapped in an endless night, eternal darkness—it's so emo. God, outsiders must think we're the most emo thing to ever happen in the universe. I haven't seen the sun in, like, ten billion years. We're going somewhere sunny. Twilight Town?"
"Whatever."
"Well, it's up to you to take us there, shorty. I'm liable to just poof if I try a dark portal now."
They arrive at an end of Twilight Town Roxas hasn't seen, at the top of a hill that's seems to overlook the whole world. Axel sits down with his back to a tree with a grateful sigh, resting his head against the bark.
"Sweet, glorious sunlight," Axel says, closing his eyes. "Did you know that the sun is a giant, gaseous ball of fire?"
"Yes, Axel," Roxas says with a weary smile, sitting down next to him. "It's nice here. I haven't been to this part before. Check out that view."
"Man, that's what I wanna do some day—be like, fighting Heartless or something, and just sorta make a sun and fucking kill them all. Wow, that would be awesome. I bet I could do it, too. If I really put my mind to it." Axel gives a rather evil-sounding snicker.
"An attack like that would probably kill you too, though," Roxas points out.
"A last hurrah, then," Axel says, shrugging as if it doesn't matter. "I'm all about last hurrahs. God, it's good to be back. That place was a hellhole. Until the fireworks, anyway."
Roxas looks at him sidelong. "So what all happened?"
Axel groans. "Oh, come on, Roxas. I've just spent the past two days repeating it over and over, I don't want to say it all again. Later, okay? What about you, though? Get into much trouble while I was away?" Axel opens one eye to peer at him.
Roxas smiles, looking out at the view. There's a whistle in the distance as the train starts to approach on the tracks below. Everything is cast in golden afternoon sunlight.
"A fair amount."
"Good, you're learning. So, come on, tell, tell."
"Well, a whole bunch of new worlds opened up," Roxas says. "The one they assigned me and Demyx to is this African savanna place, called the Pride Lands. It's amazing there, I think you'd like it. Once you get there you…" Roxas trails off, chuckling.
"Yeah, what?"
"It's a surprise," Roxas says, grinning. "We'll go there sometime and then you'll see." He wonders what kind of animal Axel will appear as in the Pride Lands.
Axel yawns. "I like surprises. Especially the fiery kind."
"It's always fire with you."
"Wouldn't have it any other way."
"So, there's that. I've been there a few times. Then there was this time, in Wonderland? There were so many Heartless. I thought I was a goner. But then, something weird happened. This strange girl appeared, and somehow the sight of her just…I dunno. Gave me strength, I guess."
"Aw, is shorty in luuurrvve?"
"You want me to punch you?"
"What was she like? You get her number? You get her name at least?"
"Yeah," Roxas says, looking away again, frowning. "It's weird…like she was familiar, and yet not. Somehow I knew her name, though she didn't say it—Kairi."
Axel stiffens beside him, and Roxas turns, watching Axel's face. Axel's face is blank, but his eyes have a distant look to them. He knows something.
"Kairi, huh?"
"You know that name?" Roxas asks, sitting up straight.
"Nope," Axel says, and the look is gone. "Cute name, though."
Roxas watches him for a moment, but decides to let it go. "She pretty much saved my life."
"What, couldn't deal with a bunch of Heartless? Losing your edge?"
"No, I…" Roxas trails off. For some reason, he doesn't want to tell Axel about the headaches. "There were a lot of them. An army. Anyway, I did kill them all." He decides also to not tell Axel about the appearance of two Keyblades, either, and wonders why he is keeping things from Axel.
Because he's keeping things from me, Roxas realizes. Oh well. Sleeping dogs, I guess. If it was important, he'd tell me—I can trust him.
Axel doesn't answer, yawning again.
"Then this weird cat came out of nowhere and started speaking in riddles to me."
"Oh, that pink and purple fat thing that's grinning all the time? Cheshire cat or something? I've met it. Always wanted to take a shotgun to it. Or just set it on fire."
"I bet you kick puppies, too."
"Come on, I'm not that evil. I only kick puppies when I'm really pissed. So what did the cat bastard say to you?"
Roxas just shrugs. "Doesn't matter. Just rambling, I guess."
Axel yawns again, stretching his arms and rubbing at his face. The pair is silent for awhile.
"I know you don't want to talk about it," Roxas says at length. "But did you at least manage to find something out about Sora? Did you get to talk to him?"
"Kind of too busy, yanno, fighting him," Axel says, blinking hard. He looks like he's falling asleep. "I'll tell you this, though. Sora's got nothing to do with you. There's no point in you trying to talk to him, cause he's got nothing he can tell you. Got it memorized? Sorry I couldn't find anything out."
Are you? Roxas thinks, and then wonders why he thought it.
The two are silent for awhile, Roxas looking at the view, Axel yawning beside him. Axel has done little in the past few days but answer the Superior's questions, eat and sleep. Not that Roxas can really blame him.
"Axel, you know…I'm glad you're okay."
"Missed me, huh?"
"I'm serious," Roxas says, because he wants Axel to understand. "You could have died."
"Comes with the territory," Axel mumbles. "Nobodies…unstable existence and all that. It's okay. It was pretty boring over there without you, even with the mutiny and pretty explosions. You make things interesting."
"Same for you," Roxas says, snorting. "Life is exceedingly normal around here without the resident psychopath."
"Glad to hear it," Axel says around a massive yawn.
They both fall silent, and Roxas finds himself smiling. For as much of an asshole Axel is, for all the secrets he keeps from Roxas, Roxas is still glad to have Axel back. It was lonely without Axel around, even with Demyx. Roxas supposes that's what friendship is—missing someone when they're gone.
Roxas looks up at the sky through the leaves, at the way the branches are backlit by the sun. It's like seeing the sky through latticework. The grass is soft and a vibrant green. The view of the train tracks far below, the brown and green land beyond the edge of Twilight Town, the puffs of cirrus clouds—Roxas inhales, breathing it all in.
Is this what having a heart feels like?
"Hey, Axel."
There's no answer. Roxas looks over. Axel has fallen asleep against the tree, some of his hairs caught in the bark, his lips slightly parted.
"Axel?" Roxas asks, poking him to see if Axel is faking. Axel makes no sound, and suddenly he tips to the side, his head falling onto Roxas's shoulder.
Axel starts snoring.
Roxas gives him a long-suffering look. He smiles.
"Idiot," he says, and leans back against the tree, carefully so as not to wake Axel. "You're really heavy, you know."
Roxas takes a last look at the view and closes his eyes. The sun sinks lower over the world as the two Nobodies sleep.
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Awwwwwwww :D
This ended up being kind of a transitory chapter between two arcs; CoM ends, the Year Without Sora begins. Like, a Day Without Rain, or a Day Without a Mexican.
I also wanted this to get back to the focus on their friendship. I've decided that, much as I like AkuRoku, I'm going to keep this closer to canon—nothing obvious, plenty of cuteness, and hopefully some subtext. Squeenix is good at subtext, aren't they?
I also fully intend to write an AkuRoku eventually, nya-ha-ha.
Anyway, that's that. Hope you like it. Feedback is candy for my soul!