II: Long days, longer nights
o
The second day after the thugs had left - a new landmark for them to start the count for days all over again - and Jackson and Nathan left to the clearing to bury the dead man. It had to be done, so Melissa bit her lip and didn't say anything so stupid as don't go.
She knew it was foolish, but Jackson's absence twisted her stomach into tight knots. She felt anxious, when he was out of her sight. It was not that they had even said anything to each other about them together - there wasn't any us - but by an unspoken agreement Melissa and Jackson had stayed close to each other after coming back to camp from hiding, sitting side by side, going to pick firewood together, constantly aware of where the other was and what they were doing. It didn't mean that they were together like that. It just…everything seemed a little better, when he was with her.
It was only forenoon, but already the day seemed longer than the one before it. Chores done for the moment, there was nothing to occupy the mind but dark thoughts, and Melissa had had enough of those to last a lifetime.
Daley and Lex were down by the water and for a moment Melissa contemplated joining them. But no, she felt like an intruder every time, stuck between Daley's anger and Lex's fear. Eric was nowhere to be seen, as usual, and briefly she wondered if she should be more concerned about him - but the worry for everything and everyone was already eating her, and she couldn't stand more of it - he would be fine.
Taylor was sitting at the plane's entrance, staring into space, eyes oddly vacant. She had been subdued, withdrawn into herself since they had found her hiding in the jungle, and there was something inherently wrong about that. To Melissa, Taylor had always been bright looks and loud voice and the demand to be the centre of everything. This wish to be invisible was troubling Melissa, and she couldn't decide whether to confront Taylor or leave her alone.
Things had already been strained between them before the thugs, and to Melissa's shame her anger for Taylor was still not only a memory. What could she possibly say to her? They might want the same person, but on all other things they were completely different.
Taylor's eyes shifted and broke their sightless staring, and Melissa turned around quickly to see Jackson and Nathan walk towards camp.
Melissa's heart beat faster as she hurried to meet them, the knots inside her loosening. Jackson's grim face broke into a tiniest of smiles, and she forgot all her thoughts about Taylor.
o
If she didn't woke up from the suffocating blackness of her own nightmares, skin clammy with sweat and her fear a bitter bile in her throat, she woke to the sound of Lex's.
He went to sleep next to Daley every night, a small lump huddled in his sleeping bag, and every night, he woke up crying. Sometimes Melissa was already awake, had been for hours, unable to get back to sleep, just waiting for Lex's first muffled cry. Alone in the dark, more alone than usual, for Jackson - and Nathan and Eric - had started to sleep back in their own shelter, since the tent was just too cramped with seven people.
That night she had been too tired, and had succumbed into a restless sleep. It was bitch black inside the tent, when Melissa woke up. First she was confused as to what had dragged her from her dreams, but soon enough the desolate sound reminded her.
Melissa felt utterly helpless. She wanted to reach out to Lex, to comfort him, but Daley was sleeping in between them, hovering over her brother just as much at night as she did at day.
She didn't know what to do, what to say, but - God, she was just so tired. She wanted it to stop.
"Lex." Her whisper was loud in the silence between Lex's sobs. He didn't give any indication that he had heard her.
"Lex, please." Melissa tried again, not really knowing what she was pleading. Please be alright? Please stop crying? Please let me sleep?
"Shush, it's alright now, hush…" Daley's voice sounded hoarse in the dark, as if she had been crying herself. Melissa closed her eyes and tried to fall back to sleep, listening Daley whisper comforting nonsense to Lex, trying to believe the words herself.
o
Sometimes Melissa caught Nathan looking at the gun.
They had decided to keep the gun, just in case there ever would come a situation when they had to defend themselves, but it's presence in the camp didn't made her feel any safer. If anything, the small black handgun made things seem…dangerous. She didn't want it anywhere near her, but they had decided, together, and the matter was settled.
Taylor hadn't had an opinion, Lex had been obviously afraid of it, but Eric, Jackson, Daley and Nathan had been for it, had argued it would have been stupid to get rid of it, and Melissa could agree with their logic, even if she didn't like the item itself.
None of them knew how to handle guns, so they had put it carefully at the bottom of their extra backpack, agreeing not to touch it ever, but in an emergency.
Maybe she would have been able to forget that it even was there, under all the broken and useless stuff they didn't need, but she had caught Nathan rummaging the bag, had seen him holding the gun in his hands.
"What are you doing?" The words had been out of her mouth before she had thought about them, her disbelieve and panic palpable. Melissa hated guns, couldn't fathom looking at them, let alone touching them.
Nathan had looked at her little guiltily, mumbling something about making sure it was there, and had put it back.
The next time Melissa saw him looking at the gun, she didn't say anything.
o
They lived in a strange limbo, an in-between place. They were not talking about the rescue, they were not planning it, and nobody mentioned home anymore. It was as if they were all waiting things to settle down, to get better, before they could once again start planning their rescue.
Melissa absolutely refused to believe that it meant they had given up hope. It didn't. Just because they didn't talk about it, didn't mean that they didn't think about it.
And she did thought about it, all the time. What it would be like to be home. Go to school, sleep in her own bed, eat real food, see her parents every day, whenever she wanted.
Melissa wanted. So much.
o
On the fifth day Taylor went to the beach to wash her clothes, and Melissa followed her with her own bundle of dirty laundry.
They walked to the rocks a little further away from the camp than they felt comfortable with, but neither of them said anything. They waded into the warm water, plunging one garment after another beneath the waves, trying to scrub them clean by hand. They had run out of soap days ago.
After they felt the clothes were as clean as they could get them, they placed them on the hot surface of the rock to dry, and sat side by side, looking out to the sea, the sun hot and hard above them in the sky.
Melissa had been rehearsing her words for days; thinking how to start speaking and what to ask in the sleepy consciousness between her disturbing dreams. Sometimes she had heard Taylor shift and turn, and had known the other girl was awake too. Neither of them had said anything.
"Are you alright?" It was a stupid question, a stupid way to start a conversation, and as soon as the words were gone from her lips, Melissa wanted to take them back.
There was a pregnant pause and then Taylor snorted. "Not really."
"Sorry. Stupid question."
"No it's - no one has asked me that."
"Oh." The feeling of not knowing what to say was getting really old, and Melissa decided to just plunge ahead. "You have been so quiet and we - I thought you wanted to be left alone."
"I guess." Another pause, and then Taylor continued in a strangled voice, "It's just - everyone is kind of broken right now, and you don't need to worry about me."
"But I do worry about you." The words were the truth. After five days of watching a subdued Taylor, Melissa was ready to sign her into a therapy group. Since there weren't any available, she would have to do the job herself.
"But I didn't even do anything. I wasn't beaten up or forced to go with those - those bastards, I didn't have to point a gun at anybody. I just waited that it was all over!"
Melissa turned to watch Taylor, but she was staring at the sea, biting her lip. It was obvious she was fighting hard not to cry. I should have asked her sooner.
"But Taylor…you were held against your will for hours, you were made to wait - afraid and - we all have been through a lot, all of us, and it's not a competition who has suffered the most…"
"I didn't go with them, after." Taylor's voice was resigned. Melissa waited for her to continue, having a sudden understanding what the crux of the matter was.
"After the man - the dead man - let us go, and Daley and Nathan went to free Lex and Eric, I didn't go with them." A heavy pause. "I thought…the man said we should hide, and I couldn't - I couldn't go there, where the men were, I just couldn't, so I hid and I waited for it all to be over."
A lump was forming in Melissa's own throat, a misery answering to Taylor's bleak voice. "It's okay", she tried to say, even as she knew the words would hardly make a difference.
"I - don't worry. Really, don't worry about me, I didn't have to do anything but wait for it to end. I'll - I'll be fine."
"I know." For the first time Melissa really understood Taylor, knew the pain behind the words. "I know what it is like - to wait alone, and afraid and not knowing if he - if the others are dead or hurt, and all the while thinking if you are going to be alone forever…" Melissa remembered how she had waited for Jackson to return from his swimming trip to the ship, how afraid she had been, and how that moment, when she had been utterly alone, had almost been the worst moment in that whole hellish night.
Taylor finally turned towards Melissa, her face more timid and real than Melissa had ever seen. She was listening carefully, wanting clearly to hear more, and so Melissa forced herself to continue.
"I was waiting at the beach you know, when Jackson tried to swim to the ship. I thought - he was gone for so long, and I thought he had drown or - I think the worst part was the helplessness, that I couldn't do anything to help."
"You didn't have any choice - but I - I could have -" The unsaid words were left hanging in the air between them. I could have gone with them. I could have helped. I didn't.
"But everything went okay. Lex and Eric were not hurt, we are all here and the men are gone. What's done is done. You shouldn't blame yourself forever about it."
"I won't." Taylor's smile was small and sad, full of self-knowledge.
Another heavy pause, Melissa undecided whether she really should go there at all or just leave the matter be, but finally she just wanted to clear the air between them, and uttered carefully, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything before now. I just - the thing that happened, between me and you and Jackson, it - well, I'm sorry about that too."
"Yeah, well…I don't know what is was. He has not been exactly clear on that."
"I know." Despite them growing close to each other, Melissa's exact place in Jackson's life was still a big confusing question mark.
"I never would have thought, but he has become a good friend - I can talk to him and - I can't give that up." Taylor's look was piercing, almost challenging. "I won't give that up. I have no one else here."
The anger and the jealousy came more slowly this time, their stings weaker, and they were easily showed aside, as Melissa reminded herself of the promise she made - whoever he would choose, she was going to be okay with that.
So she looked Taylor straight in the eyes, and let her know just that, "I know. And it's okay. I can't give that up either."
o
The sobs came like clockwork, just as she was ready to give in to the pull of her own dreams. A few seconds later, Daley's soothing whispers.
The same words, over and over again, like a scratchy broken record. It's going to be alright.
Melissa felt something in her broke and shatter, the bleakness of her loneliness starkly illuminated by the two entwined figures, seeking solace from each other.
Not willing to just think about it anymore, Melissa swiftly rose from her sleeping bag, rolling it to a bundle and taking it with her as she left the tent without a word. She went to their self-made shelter, and quietly made herself a bed next to Jackson, refusing to feel ashamed or embarrassed.
She willed her heart and breath to settle down, and closed her eyes. It was quiet, just the wind rustling the leaves. A warm hand sneaked a hold of her palm, squeezing gently, and then settling, not letting her go.
In the morning, they didn't talk about it.
o
Sorry for the long wait, but at least this chapter was longer than the first! As ever, I am eager to know what you think. And there are more chapters in the making…