I know I haven't updated this story in a while, and I'm going away for two weeks so I might not have time to write more until I get back. But, I promise, when I get home, there will be more to come! Hope you enjoy this one!
"I'm sorry."
It's the first words he hears come out of her mouth since they've gotten back to her place.
She crosses her arms and bites her lip bashfully when he stops still in front of her with a small smirk.
"You- You don't have to be sorry." He speaks, trying to reassure her..
April slowly nods before pausing and shrugging her shoulders, "I am, though. Sorry, I- I am. That was... embarrassing."
Jackson laughs and sits down beside her on the bed. He leans back on his forearms and glances around her room. The curtains are white, the walls beige and the bedding pink. Girly, he thinks, definitely April.
"It wasn't embarrassing."
"It was."
He nods, "Okay, yeah, it was." He catches the smile on her face and grins, "D'you do that often?"
April nudges his shoulder and shakes her head, "No, strangely enough. It's just nice every once in a while, you know? Let loose, be care free. I was brought up to be a hard-worker, and to always play by the rules. My mom hates alcohol and always told us to never drink, never get drunk, because you never know what could happen if you're wasted." She mimics her mother's voice and giggles, still slightly intoxicated.
Jacksons sighs and licks his lips, "Your mom sounds... cool." He teases and she nods.
"Oh, yeah, definitely. She's a real party animal." He laughs and continues, "Seriously, if you ever meet her, don't mention me being drunk. She'd freak out and throw me in a convent."
She doesn't notice his eyes on her lips, or his hand that's made its way onto her knee.
It's not intentional, he tells himself. He doesn't mean to touch her without thinking about the consequences, he doesn't mean to stare at her like some creep, because he's not. Despite his brain telling him to back away and move along to someone else, someone more available, he can't stop himself.
There's something about her that keeps puling him in, and he keeps convincing himself that it's a bad thing. A very, very bad thing.
But it's only bad because she's all wholesome and innocent, safe and undamaged.
She's safe and innocent, but the attraction and connection he feels towards her isn't anything but immoral and unhealthy.
There's some sort of terrible and chemical reaction that happens to him whenever he's around her, and he wants nothing but for it to stop. because he can't do this, he can't think of her like this.
She's his friend, a new friend who he cares for and respects.
She's sweet and clean, a convulsive concoction when mixed with his own traits.
A then he reminds himself that she's a bet. She's a bet. She's the dice in some twisted game that he started with an indecent friend.
He's just hoping the dice rolls off of the board so she doesn't get hurt.
But then she starts biting her lip and toying with her hair and leaning closer towards him, and he loses it.
And then, before he even notices, she's doing all of those things. Probably sub-consciously, he thinks, but it doesn't make any difference. He's still thinking of laying her down on her bed and defiling every good thing about her.
She honestly didn't even drink that much but judging by the way that she's trying to grasp his face and pull him closer, he's guessing that she's still a little big drunk.
"April-"
Within a second, her hands are cupping the sides of his face with her mouth pressed against his and she's pulling herself into his lap, pushing him down on her mattress.
He doesn't think when his hands find her ass and slip beneath her top. He doesn't think when he lets her pull her top over her head and rest her hands on his crotch.
He definitely doesn't think when he grabs her face roughly and kisses her full force as her hands work to unzip his pants.
It's only when she lightly parts her legs and presses herself against him that he realizes what they're doing, and how wrong it is. But he won't stop her, he needs her to be the one to ends it.
Otherwise, she'll get the impression that he's rejecting her, that he doesn't want her. Because he does, he wants her so much that it's quite literally hurting him.
After a few moments and a few groans from his part, she pulls away from him and sighs. She closes her and swallows a breath, resting her hands on his chest to steady herself.
April stands up and runs a hand through her hair anxiously, "Sorry."
He's utterly confused and leans up, resting on his arms and watching her as she paces.
"I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. It's- It's not right, or healthy, or... or freaking sanitary!" She scratches the back of her neck and throws her head back with a groan, "What is wrong with me? I'm insane! What is wrong with me?!"
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"It was a rhetorical question!" She tells him, crossing her arms over her chest and staring over at him.
Jackson licks his lips again and takes his turn to sigh.
"I'm insane. I'm going crazy. Oh God, what's my mother going to say? I'm a whore! I'm an adulterous whore!"
He frowns and sits up straight, "I'm pretty sure this isn't adultery."
"I am, and this is. This is adultery, because we're not married."
He raises his eyebrows and stares at her. Maybe she is slightly crazy. "Exactly. For it to be adultery, one of us has to be married to someone else. Also, we haven't had sex."
She takes a deep breath and slowly nods, "You're right, I'm sorry."
"Just... calm down, okay? We haven't done anything illegal, or... you know, against your beliefs. Calm down."
April stands in silence, tucking her hair behind her ears, "I think I should- I need to stay away from you for a while." She speaks so fast that he barely hears her but he catches the words 'away' and 'you'.
"What are you talking about?"
He's not sure how they keep ending up here.
They haven't known each other for long, but they seem to already have some sort of pattern going on. They talk a nice conversation, until one of them jumps the other. They make-out for five minutes until one of them sees reason and stops things from going any further. And then everything gets awkward and weird.
"I just- I can't be near you, or I might... Look, we haven't done anything wrong. I'm aware of that, okay? I'm not that crazy. I'm not delusional. I'm just a little bit jumpy and anxious sometimes, but I'm not crazy." She stands in front of him but keeps herself at a distance, trying her best not to touch him. "We haven't done anything wrong, I know that." She repeats.
April takes a shirt breath before rambling on, "But we might. We probably would. We probably will. But that can't happen. And, I'm not some needy and desperate girl who needs your attention and affection, but I want you. I'm gonna be bold and say that. I don't even know what you want, do you want this? Do you want to do it? Because I'm pretty sure that you do and that's a problem for. Actually, it's all a problem because I want you, and I can't want you."
He feels the need to say something, to cut her off,"April-", but she beats him to it.
"I can't want you. So, I have to stay away from you. At least, like that, in that way. I can be your friend, we can be friends. But that's it. Because this, this thing that's going on, I've never felt that before and honestly I'm not sure it's a good thing. I want you, and I want to touch you, and I want everything about you, and I want you to want me too. But I can't. And I'm not making much sense, so I have no idea if you're understanding any of this, but it's- I can't do this."
He's only half-aware and sure of what she's said, but he thinks that he gets the gist of it all.
"Do you want me to leave?"
She nods in response, turning away from him and folding her arms, before he has time to say anything else.
Jackson doesn't reply, instead just stands up and grabs his jacket from off of the chair in her room. "I'll see you around." He says simply as he goes past her doorway.
Once she hears the front door close shut, she sits herself on her bed and bites her lip, unsure of what she's just done.
He clicks his pen as he walks down the corridor towards the ER, muttering under his breath.
She frustrates him so much, he tells himself, yet he finds himself forgiving her because he understands her reasoning.
She doesn't want to get into anything because she's promised herself to Jesus and the church and her future husband, and she can't handle anything else.
He gets that, he does, he understands it. But it doesn't make it any easier.
"Dr. Avery," A woman calls behind him and he turns to see a nurse catching up with him. "You're on Dr. Shepherd's service today and he's waiting for you." She hands him a chart and rushes off.
Jackson groans and flicks through the chart. He feels slightly better that he's on Neuro this week. He's still not quite decided on his specialty yet, and he knows that he has a few more years before he has to make a decision, but Neuro is looking good at the moment.
It requires precise handwork, being able to stand on your feet for long periods of time and deep concentration, all qualities that he possesses.
He makes his way up to the patient's room and slips past the door with a smile. Dr. Shepherd greets him before turning back to the patient in question.
"It is a minor surgery, not too invasive. Luckily the tumour hasn't progressed too far so we should be able to catch it on that first go. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask Dr. Avery."
Jackson smiles at the patient. She's a thirty-something brunette with a wide smile. Her brown eyes sparkle and she bites her bottom lip in an all-too familiar way.
He waits until Shepherd leaves before he asks, "Mrs. Smith, do you have any questions for me?" He closes her chart and places it down at the edge of the bed and slips his hands into his pockets.
"Nope, I think I'm all set." She smiles before continuing, "But can you change the name in my chart, please?" She scratches the back of her neck irritably.
He raises an eyebrow as he picks up the folder, "Is there a problem?" He opens the page and glances down at her name, Libby Smith. It seems to suit her and he's not sure what she's asking of him.
"No, it's nothing major. It's just that I'm getting a divorce, and I don't plan on keeping my husband's last name."
He nods and clicks his pen as he bars out Smith and smiles at her, "What's your maiden name?"
"Kepner." She replies, failing to notice the blank look on his face.
Shit.