A/N: what will happen now? I had so, so, so, so, so much trouble with this chapter. Ugh. It's been a busy few weeks, midterm bearing down on me and a thousand projects breathing down my neck. Angry with my boyfriend for a personal inter-couple relations reason that I can't relate. Well, angry isn't the right term, irritation is. Uh, what else? Oh yes! I had this nice idea that the babies would be born and boom! Story wraps self up. Don't ask me why I thought that was going to happen. I'm a little lost and I need to hammer out plans with myself, how to end things…how far I will go and if Rin and Sess could even mend things, or if there would be too much time involved to legitimately go through it. Ugh. I'm sure they will, because the core of Rin's character has always been devotion to Sesshomaru. I was looking at fan images and reminded of that again and again. Her devotion touches me because it's so sweet, so perfect…I've muddied and darkened her with age, power, and betrayal. Now, how do I get her back to him, I ask myself, without it becoming a betrayal of her character as I've molded it? Oh stress…
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. Nor do I own Sesshomaru. But Hanone, En, Ginrei, and Saya are all mine.
Last Chapter: Ginrei went into labor. En showed up and offered herself as midwife and then led Sesshomaru, who was guarding her, outside. She did her wink in and out of existence trick and wound up back in Rin's room, drugging her to sleep and taking Saya. Ginrei gave birth and En tried to put a spell onto the newborn but failed. Sesshomaru killed her.
Cry A Little For Me
Rin woke with a start, her body snapping taught, every muscle and sinew alert. Her heart leapt inside her ribcage as she opened her eyes and saw light passing through the screens, heard birds chirping merrily outside. Her first thoughts were of Saya, the tiny, squirming daughter, Rin's one true blessing, her only real family…then of the shape of the old hag and the stink of the herbs inside her nasal passageways…
"Saya!" her voice was croaking but loud and full of desperation. She started to sit up and then stopped, hearing a small baby noise, a tiny sleepy whimper.
Panic faded as Rin twisted around and spotted Sesshomaru knelt across the room, but normality hadn't yet been restored to her world. There were two babies under Sesshomaru's watch, one cuddled close to him, the other swaddled and sleeping peacefully on the edge of the futon, not far from Sesshomaru's knees. He was sitting stoically, his eyes closed, almost like a statue, some inuyoukai Buddha.
When Rin moved again, shifting to reach out for the baby that Sesshomaru wasn't holding, he opened his eyes and gazed at her carefully. There was only a small pause before he asked, "You are well?"
Although Rin wasn't even sure of it herself, she nodded and stated the obvious. "Ginrei gave birth."
Sesshomaru assented without speaking aloud. He lifted his arm slightly to signal the child he was holding. "Hanone."
The desperation and maternal worry gave way inside Rin, transforming into an older ache that she recognized and detested but couldn't avoid: bitterness, hurt. Her hands shook as she reached forward and scooped up Saya protectively, clutching her close. Her actions made her look like a starving child, grabbing at morsels of food. As she moved the swaddling aside, checking over Saya's sleepy, sluggish little body, she snapped at her mate in a low, shaky voice. "You must be pleased."
"Pleased?" Sesshomaru responded, dully, almost as if he were fatigued.
"A pure heir for you." Rin spat, darting a quick glance up at him and then directing her eyes past him, at the wall, the dark screen. "What a shame! A perfect shame that she gave you a daughter…"
Sesshomaru budged slightly, sitting more upright. "Rin, stop."
"I will not!" she spat, her shoulders shaking, trembling violently. "You'll go to her again, won't you?"
He didn't answer her, his amber gaze went loose, unfocused, as if he were distracted by something else, a thought, a spider on the wall behind her, or maybe a momentary uncomfortable twinge inside, whether that was guilt or gas could be anyone's guess.
"One girl isn't enough for you—you could care less what it does to me." Rin's voice thickened, her words spilled out fast, like the tears over her cheeks. "I'll never have another, they can never be good enough for you—my babies—and she…she will outlive me. I'll grow old and die and she'll still have you…"
His mouth moved, twisting frowningly. "I am not an object to be possessed."
"Of course not!" Rin snarled. Saya started to whimper waveringly, hearing the sounds in the room, sensing the despair in her mother's voice and also simply irritable at being woken from her sleep. Rin lowered her voice when she spoke again, letting it become a whisper. "No one has ever even touched the surface of your heart."
His golden eyes flashed, lit from within, and landed on her, narrowing into slits. "Do not…"
"You're a monster." Rin's shoulders shook as she turned, clutching Saya close to her chest, and showed her back to him, trying to will herself to stop crying, to push back the frailty, the pain inside her. She focused on Saya through her blurred, bleary vision. The child was Sesshomaru's lookalike, but Rin had found parts of her daughter that she could relate to. Her daughter's smooth, human ears, sticking out a little too far, the round, oval of her face, her darker, honeyed skin color…
"Do not turn your back to me." Sesshomaru murmured, his voice rich and deep.
"Go to your wife." Rin swallowed, half choking on those words. Her heart hammered inside her ears, droning out Saya's little puffing breath against her.
"I am with my mate." He growled, low. "While my mate slept, I kept watch over her, and while she slept, my wife saved my mate's child…"
Rin felt her legs grow cold abruptly, losing strength as her emotions wrought havoc over her body and her mind. "What?"
"The old woman took Saya. My wife stopped her."
Rin searched over her baby's face and pushed aside the swaddling around her little body. The tiny puncture wound on Saya's chest came into view and a new surge of emotion gripped Rin, making her forget the initial rash anger and bitterness toward Sesshomaru. The wound had closed over and, with the remarkable healing power bestowed on her by her part-inuyoukai heritage; the mark was already swiftly fading. Yet, set in the baby's brand new, fragile skin, it was probably scar, leaving a tiny mark forever on her to commemorate what easily could've been a brush with death. How unnerving that Rin could have so little control over her baby…
"What did she want with Saya?" Rin murmured, her voice still thick with tears.
"I do not know." Sesshomaru replied, distantly. The floorboards creaked as he moved and Rin twisted her neck, trying to peer at her mate out of the corner of her eye covertly. He stood at his full regal height, his only arm bent and held close to his body in an awkward way to support the new baby Hanone against him. "I must return to the child to Ginrei."
While he paused, Rin turned, gazing at him openly again as she passed one sleeve over her face, wiping aside the tears. When she examined him directly, Rin saw the crimson splatter of blood on his robes. She'd missed it while he was sitting, having only seen a little of the color at his waist and shoulder. She'd assumed it was ink, but the splatter pattern of it left her with no doubt. "You killed the old woman?"
He ducked his head slightly in a nod. "Yes."
There was a pause, tense and stiff, but just as Sesshomaru took a step forward, moving for the door, Rin broke the silence between them, asking timidly, "How…how is she? How is Ginrei?" she pronounced his wife's name stiffly and with great care.
"Recovering." He answered, blandly. The tiny bundle in his arm squirmed visibly and made a tiny, weak sound.
Rin's brown eyes focused on the bundle intently. "Can I see her?"
"Perhaps," Sesshomaru started slowly, "you would like to take Hanone back to Ginrei."
"No…" Rin shook her head, frowning mildly.
"Then perhaps you would like to accompany me?"
Rin glanced back down at her own baby's soft, innocent face and swallowed uncertainly before nodding. "Yes, I would like that."
The door to the room where Ginrei usually slept was closed. Rin followed Sesshomaru through the hallway and tried to keep the puzzled look from her face when he passed it and moved toward a different, smaller room closer to the stairs. As far as Rin knew, the room was unused, but now a maid scurried to open the door and bow to one side as Sesshomaru stepped through it, tiny newborn Hanone fitted into the crook of his arm.
Cautiously Rin followed after him, her own baby pressed close to her.
The little room was dark and stuffy. The shutters were drawn shut tightly. The room had a gray look to it whereas the other rooms were a richer color, more of a gold. The matting in the room was older too, not as firm as the pads in the bedroom she'd just left. It squished down as she passed and left imprints of her small feet, of all ten toes, just as the dirt and mud had while she was a child.
Ginrei lied motionless in her bed, her eyes closed and her skin pale. Her silver hair was long, loose, and uncombed. It had a stringy appearance. Rin wondered what Sesshomaru's powerful senses whispered to him of his wife's condition. Rin couldn't make out any scents, not of blood, not of sweat, and not even of milk. Did inuyoukai breastfeed?
Sesshomaru moved without hesitation and knelt at Ginrei's bedside silently. Rin waited behind, caught between the bed and the door, and still standing. Faint light from the hall cast Rin's shadow over the bed sheets and the furs. The door moved on its track, making a small grinding sound, and Rin whirled to face it, startled and on guard. The maid closed the door without noticing, leaving the odd family in relative privacy. For a moment Rin felt her heart pick up speed, as if she were a wild animal, caught inside a cage, a trap that had just sprung. Then she heard Sesshomaru speak in a quiet, gentle voice, calling his wife's name.
She turned to watch the interaction and found that Ginrei was already awake seemingly. Her chest moved up and down slowly, but her eyes, silver like her hair, and sunken in her pale face, were open and gazing at Rin.
"Ginrei." Sesshomaru called her name again and finally the inuyoukai woman turned her head to acknowledge him. Her eyes alighted on Hanone, tucked in her father's single arm. Her hands lifted out of the sheets and reached for the newborn. Sesshomaru handed the baby over without hesitation and then sat back on his haunches, as if withdrawing from her.
Ginrei's face tightened as she pushed herself into a more upright position and examined her child carefully. Her lips parted and her eyes glistened suddenly with tears. The tiny newborn made some small sounds and Rin saw miniature arms, hands, and fingers reaching for Ginrei's face and for locks of her hair. The infant's skin was bright white, almost ghostly.
"She has your markings." Sesshomaru observed, faintly.
Ginrei failed to answer him; she was too absorbed by the newborn in her arms.
Sesshomaru turned to glance at Rin, still standing so awkwardly between the now closed door and Ginrei's bedside. "Rin." He called and, when she met his gaze, he gestured to the opposite side of Ginrei's bed. "Sit."
Stiffly, Rin moved to the indicated position and knelt, feeling the old matting compressing beneath her, almost feeling the whoosh of its stale air. Ginrei had at last taken her eyes off of Hanone and had refocused her attention on Rin. She blinked rapidly a few times and struggled to take a deep breath. "The woman that was meant to help me labor…"
Rin interrupted her tensely. "She took my baby. I already know." She stared at Ginrei and willed the last two words to leave her mouth, but her lips had become immobile, almost as if they were made of stone. She swallowed and lowered her gaze, letting it fall on the newborn and her swaddling instead. "Thank…you."
Ginrei heaved a long, heavy sigh, her shoulders sinking down, deflating with the exhalation. "You're welcome." Her smile was weak; her eyes were still moist with tears. "You have a beautiful child, Lady Rin."
Rin struggled to find words to speak, but none came to her. She wanted to see Hanone, but already knew from what Sesshomaru had said that the newborn looked more like Ginrei than Sesshomaru. The proper response was to thank Ginrei for the compliment, but the words refused to be uttered again and stayed firmly lodged at the back of her throat, glued there. She settled on bowing stiffly, holding Saya awkwardly to try and keep the baby from being jostled.
"I will take leave of you now." Sesshomaru informed his wife, blandly. He rose to his feet and moved toward the door as Ginrei murmured an automatic, uncaring goodbye.
Rin hurriedly got to her feet as well, almost stumbling. Sesshomaru had moved abruptly, almost as if he'd deliberately hoped to leave Rin behind with his wife. Rin felt her face flush with heat as she followed after him, leaving Ginrei alone with her newborn.
Days began to pass, cool and sunny days. The wind picked up in the night, toward the ending of the week. When Hanone was a week old officially, and her name and parentage had been recorded, Sesshomaru left his wife and his mate at Naishougoto to at last attend to the waiting armies in the Middle Lands. He told Jaken only of where he was going, leaving both his wife and his mate in the dark.
Rin and Ginrei hadn't had to interact very often for most of the week. Ginrei spent much of it recovering the vitality that the last half of her pregnancy had stolen away from her, but by the time of Hanone's naming, Ginrei was up and about and healthy. What little color she had returned to her cheeks and although she still fatigued easily, it was a swift and successful recovery.
Rin watched Ginrei as covertly as she could, though there was little hiding her uncomfortable reaction to Ginrei's presence. Her mate's inuyoukai wife intrigued her as well as filled her with jealousy. She'd come to Naishougoto to see for herself Sesshomaru's ill-acquired breeder, to see how Sesshomaru treated her, how he kept her, and how Ginrei carried herself. Was there love between the two? Was there hatred? Had Sesshomaru forced himself on Ginrei to produce Hanone?
Those questions had all been answered for the most part. Her fears of Sesshomaru's tyranny had been dispelled, and her suspicion of emotion between the couple had few legs to stand on. Ginrei hadn't ever clamored for Sesshomaru's attention. When he left without telling them about it, she hardly noticed that he'd left, just that he'd left Rin behind.
In reality, Sesshomaru and Ginrei seemed to be business partners, regarding one another blandly and dispassionately. It had become a mutual agreement somehow. Rin recalled Ginrei's words concerning Hanone before the child was born: Sesshomaru hasn't claimed her. It seemed that, to Ginrei, the true gold in the situation, the light at the end of the tunnel, was her daughter Hanone. The idea of possessing a daughter, an heiress of her own. It wasn't just the mother's words that drew this thought from Rin, it was her near obsession with the infant.
Since Hanone's birth, Ginrei had rarely parted with her baby. Sesshomaru never held the baby, he had on occasion visited her, and inquired of how his wife and child were doing, but other than that he left them both alone. After Hanone's naming, Ginrei moved about the palace with her baby always cradled in her arms. She took Hanone into the gardens and onto balconies and sat with the baby silently, or sometimes Rin observed her lips moving, as if speaking to herself. She wished she had the ears of an inuyoukai, what was Ginrei saying? Was it useless babble to a baby that couldn't understand? Or was it something meaningful?
During their week stay and beyond, Sesshomaru had sent for Rin's clothes to be sent to Naishougoto for a time because Rin refused to share any clothing with Ginrei, too proud and too bitter. When her clothes arrived, Ginrei watched Rin with renewed interest, drawn by the rich robes that Rin had accumulated in her time being pampered by her mate. Often she looked just about to speak, but never actually did. Rin had little doubt that Ginrei's words would be complimentary. In spite of Rin's hostility, Ginrei didn't return it; in fact she tried to diffuse it.
One late morning Rin drank tea with Jaken, who was still recovering from his broken leg, when Ginrei, who'd been outside before, slid open the door and stepped in unannounced. Rin stiffened though she worked to keep her face neutral and uncaring.
Ginrei was dressed in a robe embroidered with orange flowers and yellow and black honeybees. Her silver hair was pinned up high and regally. The color had returned to her cheeks, making her appear lively. The markings of nobility were white, a single stripe over each cheek unlike Sesshomaru's two purple-red marks. She settled into a spot at the table and smiled warmly at both Jaken and Rin.
Jaken at once began talking to her, forgetting what he'd been telling Rin about to plunge into greeting Ginrei. "Hello my lady! You look magnificent today! How is Hanone?" the toad's terms were heavy with respect and fondness, and he even tried to bow, but his splinted leg made the task nearly impossible.
"I'm fine." Ginrei replied. As was normal, Hanone was tucked into the crook of one arm. As she sat down she lowered the baby onto her lap and let Hanone look around. The baby had her father's white hair in a thick little tuft on her head, but her eyes were silver-blue, like Ginrei's, and the marks over her cheeks were the same milky white as Ginrei's as well, though instead of a single mark over her cheeks, baby Hanone had two like Sesshomaru. The mark of the crescent moon was missing entirely.
Like Ginrei, Rin had Saya with her, perched in her lap. Rin's kimono was covered with falling leaves. They were gold, yellow, orange, and bright red. Saya wore yellow and she hated every moment of it and continually found ways of freeing one arm or of loosening her sash and slipping out of the little robe altogether.
Ginrei watched Saya from across the table, smiling genuinely. "She looks so much like Lord Sesshomaru. You must be very proud."
Rin nodded curtly. "I am."
Jaken made a noise of nervousness and began jabbering about the tea's poor quality. The toad understood the unease between the women, but wished he didn't and refused to be part of it.
When Jaken paused the off-the-top-of-his-head rant, Ginrei cleared her throat and interrupted him. "Lady Rin—I thought you would want to know, though I'm sure Lord Sesshomaru would disapprove of my sharing this with you, but there is a kitsune messenger outside looking for you."
Rin blinked and stared at Ginrei blankly. "What?"
"It's a young kitsune messenger. He says his name is Shippo." Ginrei cocked her head to one side and frowned, "He seemed entirely too interested in you and Saya—and in Hanone too." Her hands moved more protectively around her tiny daughter.
"Shippo…" Rin repeated the name, her brown eyes still wide.
Jaken, smarter than he looked, was already putting two and two together. "That name's familiar—but Rin! You mustn't go out there! What would Lord Se…"
But already Rin had gotten to her feet and was heading for the door. Jaken called after her frantically and tried to get up but his leg tripped him and he fell clumsily with a cry. He muttered things under his breath, cursing Rin as if she were a troublesome little girl again. "Ginrei! Hurry! Go after her!"
Ginrei nodded and left the room silently, her bare feet whispering over the floorboards.
It was bright and sunny outside, with only a slight wind to stir the leaves on the trees. A few of them were beginning to turn rapidly, the edges dying and curling as the color left them and the tree abandoned them, turning inward as it sensed the approaching winter. Rin slipped on some sandals as she left the palace and trudged across the bridge crossing the lake that Naishougoto was built on. She kept Saya huddled close to her and scanned the lake shore and the other side of the bridge carefully.
Movement caught her eye. To the right was the small, trickling stream that fed the little pond with its colorful koi inside. The pond was obscured partly from view by a small hill, a little grassy knoll that was still bright and lush from the summertime. Something flashed, lifting into the air and then falling again beyond the knoll, out of Rin's sight.
Rin halted, watching for the thing, whatever it was, to reveal itself. If it had the ears of a youkai then it would've heard her crossing the bridge.
"Lady Rin?" Ginrei's voice called, faintly from across the bridge.
Irritably Rin turned and glared back over the distance. Ginrei had slipped back into her sandals as well and was crossing the bridge. "What are you doing?" Rin demanded.
Ginrei reached her side passively and gave a little bow. "You shouldn't be out here alone."
"I know a fox named Shippo." Rin told her, stepping off the bridge confidently.
"What if it's a shape-shifter?" Ginrei countered, "What would Lord Sesshomaru do if he were to lose Lady Rin." Her voice lowered meaningfully. "He loves you."
Frowning, Rin picked up her speed, heading for the knoll. Ginrei followed, but at a slight distance. They were an odd couple, both young mothers carrying their very young babies. One mortal and one inuyoukai, one with silver hair, the other with ebony black.
At last Rin was close enough that the knoll was no longer an obstacle. The koi pond came clear, tranquil and beautiful as always, but now there was an unusual addition to the scenery. A tawny fox, only the size of a small dog, paced alongside the stream, staring at the koi moving casually beneath the water. At first glance it appeared that the fox was hunting the fish, but when Rin paused and watched him more closely, it became clear that the fox was peering into the water without noticing the fish at all. He was staring at his reflection in the serene waters. His ears swung forward and backward, uncertain.
"Shippo?" Rin called out, tentatively.
The fox jerked its head upright and Rin found herself gazing at a pair of emerald eyes, bright and intensely intelligent. Its fur shuddered for a moment, as if it were trying to shake, and then abruptly, without any awkwardness or magic it seemed at all, the fox shape melted away, revealing a young boy standing alongside the koi pond.
"Lady Rin." He addressed her formally, though Rin was certain she heard a coolness in his tone, a careful distance.
Rin continued forward, slowly, watching the kit alertly. "How…how are you?"
The kit stayed where he was, examining her. "I'm fine. Miroku and Sango were fine when I saw them last too."
"Good." Rin answered him, stiltedly. It was an awkward meeting, a strange, unwelcome reminder that not more than a month or two ago she'd been running away, a fugitive. Some part of her still longed to escape, but it wouldn't ease her pain, and it wasn't really what she wanted…her thoughts flew to Tsukiyume. She took a deep breath. "What about…"
"Tsuki is with her brother." Shippo replied, smiling warmly, and yet Rin caught a sadness in his green eyes.
"Is…is something wrong?" she asked, quietly, aware that Ginrei was within earshot and doubtless wondering how Rin knew this kitsune that was trespassing on Naishoutgoto. "What brought you here?"
"They're negotiating peace in the Middle Lands." Shippo sighed deeply; his shoulders sagged, as if speaking of peace wearied him. "I was on my way…I was…heading back to Inuyasha and Kagome." He shrugged helplessly and grinned without any joy. "I was curious."
Awkwardly, Rin started speaking, blundering in much the same way the fox had. "Would you…when you see Inuyasha and Kagome again—would you thank them for me?" abruptly Rin felt a mass build up in the back of her throat, thick and impossible to swallow back. Her eyes burned with tears though she fought them, blinking fiercely. If it wasn't for Inuyasha and Kagome bringing in the miko healers I wouldn't have Saya…
Shippo nodded and continued to give his meaningless grin. "Yep. Sure. Will do."
Rin answered him with a thick, throaty voice. "Thank you."
He nodded. "No problem." He turned his back on her and seemed to shrink in height while simultaneously lengthening. A fox replaced the boy and shook its thick, fluffy light brown pelt. It raised its tail high and glanced back at Rin and Ginrei as if saluting them. Then he hurried away, looking for all the world like a real fox being chased out of the henhouse.
Although Rin couldn't have known it, Shippo had left the Middle Lands when Sesshomaru had arrived and the peace talks had begun because Shimofuri had dismissed him. The inuyoukai hadn't known where the strange kitsune's loyalties lied, and was overprotective of his sister. Alone, Shippo had wandered aimlessly for a while, listening to gossip and eventually stumbling into the Isei province where, many long years ago, he'd been born. Memory of the rumor of Sesshomaru's secret wife had brought him to Naishoutgoto, and when he'd seen and scented Ginrei and the baby Hanone in her arms, he'd known…
Now, with this freshest bit of gossip, Shippo headed home, for the coast.
After Shippo had vanished, Rin sighed and adjusted Saya, lifting the baby higher and letting the infant see the world. The baby blinked with her golden eyes widely and looked around wonderingly. Rin nuzzled her tiny cheek, breathing in the baby's milk-scent and the smooth, soft skin. Thank you, she prayed silently, still fighting the tears, thank you for her.
"You knew the fox, Lady Rin?" Ginrei asked, gently.
Rin didn't answer for a moment and then, pulling back from Saya, she nodded almost to herself. "He's a member of Inuyasha's household." She turned to walk back toward the palace, muttering as she passed Ginrei: "You probably don't know who that is."
"I've heard the name before." Ginrei followed Rin, walking only slightly behind her and keeping pace with her. "I hear nothing here, locked away. When you arrived here, Lady Rin, I had no idea that you and Lord Sesshomaru were expecting a child—that my daughter would have a sister…"
Rin laughed bitterly, touching Saya's silky white hair, the same shade as Sesshomaru's. "I had no idea that you or your daughter existed either." She felt a bizarre amusement coiling inside her, rattling dryly like some kind of rattlesnake. Sesshomaru kept his secrets very well.
"You must know," Ginrei blurted abruptly, hurriedly, "I had no part in any of this." The tone of Ginrei's voice was beginning to sound ominously close to Rin's own bitterness. They were alike; it was true, but in completely different ways. Sesshomaru was responsible in both their miseries.
Rin peeked once over her shoulder, catching sight of Ginrei's silvered hair and bluish eyes. "I know."
Though Rin missed it, Ginrei's shoulders deflated, tension slipped out of her body, dropping away like the leaves from the trees. She watched Rin's backsides, the long curtain of black hair, with a curl in it that spoke of the wildness and freedom it had enjoyed when Rin was a child. In Ginrei's family, before the civil war had seen them all murdered, she'd known many female family members with long black hair like Rin's. It was silkier with the luster and unnatural beauty of inuyoukai immortality, and almost never curly at all, but Rin's long mane of mortal hair was close enough that the memories stirred within Ginrei.
She caught herself blinking back tears and sniffed, fighting them. Hanone slept blandly against her shoulder, probably starting to drool. Ginrei focused on her daughter to force the tears to stay back.
Rin's voice drew Ginrei out of her own private misery then. "We will have to find out what's happening in the Middle Lands."
"Why is that?" Ginrei asked after a long, cautious pause.
They had reached the door and the palace. Jaken was grunting just inside, trying to slide the inner doors open, ready to shout and scold at them as if they were children. Rin stepped out of her sandals and hesitated before opening the door and facing the little indignant toad. She watched Ginrei slipping out of her sandals and answered her question in a small, confidential voice that was only halfway meant to be heard.
"I want to understand what your husband is up to." Silently she amended, neither of us can trust him, can we? She was facing Jaken's almost maternal wrath before she saw Ginrei's reaction to her words, the surprise in her bluish eyes and then the small, wary smile.
"Tell me what it is like to grow up as an inuyoukai." Rin muttered, closing her eyes tiredly. She and Ginrei were seated on the balcony, facing a sunset of fire. The day was overcast and the clouds along the western horizon were lit and illuminated by the intense orange light of the sun as it sank around the rim of the earth. It looked as if the west was on fire, as if heaven were ablaze.
Saya and Hanone were sleeping beside one another in the other room, sated after being fed. The door and shutters were closed against the chilly autumn evening draft to make sure that the babies were warm in the other room and would stay happily sleeping. If they woke Ginrei's sharp, dog-like hearing would pick out their whimpering cries over any wind.
Ginrei examined the mortal woman at her side carefully, her silvered eyes roving over Rin's graceful profile. She took a slow, halting breath. "I was always surrounded by relatives, I was never alone. There were petty squabbles and there were rumors, and there were always lessons, but I…" she swallowed convulsively and blinked ferociously at the sunlight. "…I was very happy."
Rin made a small sound in her throat, acknowledging the other woman. "Hmn." Her eyes were still closed.
"You were an orphan?" Ginrei asked, guardedly, afraid of offending the other woman.
"Yes." Rin nodded slowly, as if her head had suddenly thickened and been transformed into some heavy substance like lead or mercury. "Other humans killed my family."
"And Lord Sesshomaru found you? He saved you from these humans?"
"No." Rin opened her brown eyes and sighed deeply, continuing to stare off at the fiery sunset. "I survived on my own for a while."
Ginrei shifted in her seat, seeming to take interest and plunging forward with more confidence. "And then Lord Sesshomaru found you. What made him take you in? It is uncommon for inuyoukai to…"
Rin pursed her lips and interrupted Ginrei with a fierce shake of her head. The movement ruffled her long hair and the breeze caught it, whipping it around. "I found him. He was injured; he had just lost his arm. I tried to bring him food."
Ginrei's mouth had fallen open with astonishment. "You weren't afraid of him?"
Still Rin didn't look at her; her attention was fixed almost with painful concentration on the fiery wall of clouds that covered the sun. "No."
From Ginrei there was only the silence of speechlessness. Eventually she too turned her eyes toward the sunset and let the silence between them grow rampant.
They retired to bed, taking different rooms and their respective babies with them. Sesshomaru had been gone a week, his futon was made up and stored away, leaving the large room that Rin had taken originally—the room with the balcony attached to it—seem large and painfully empty. As she huddled down in the sheets, under the furs and nursed Saya for the last time that day, her conversation with Ginrei haunted her.
They had begun speaking to each other off and on, though they were both skittish of the other. Ginrei was an interesting inuyoukai. She was educated, but not arrogant, and some aspects of the harsh world had escaped her. Even in just her short time with her, Rin had realized that Ginrei's compliments on Saya were real and heartfelt. Yet Rin was aware that Ginrei should've felt slighted that Sesshomaru had mated a human first and cheated to acquire Ginrei like a piece of property. Aside from that fact, there was also the fact that Saya was hanyou, and that was heavily frowned upon in both mortal and immortal worlds. Ginrei, however, seemed to have missed that prejudice. It didn't matter to her that Sesshomaru had "sullied" his bloodline by conceiving Saya with Rin. Ginrei saw only the individuals involved, she saw only the marked resemblance between Sesshomaru and Saya, she saw only Hanone's older half sister.
What had it been like, Rin wondered, to grow up amidst so many inuyoukai? To be surrounded by them, educated by them, and to be loved by them? Sesshomaru and Jaken had educated Rin because death had taken away her human family and all of her human ties. They had loved and protected her, but it was a distant relationship throughout her childhood, one that had involved a lot of loneliness.
She stared down at Saya's white-topped little head as the baby suckled and considered the tiny girl's future. Would she be nurtured alongside Hanone? Would Ginrei become a second mother? Would Sesshomaru be there actively teaching his daughters, or just Saya, or neither? Would Rin allow any of it to happen?
She settled down with her child and let sleep take her…
A dream enveloped her. Through a small snow flurry, she watched Sesshomaru walking. He was so fair, so white, that if he were to stop moving he would fade into the falling snow. His dark blue boots stood out against the snow however, and Rin watched them as they left deep, strong indentations in the snow.
Behind him were two small girls, the shorter girl led the way. Sesshomaru was leading them away, deeper into the snowstorm. Disturbed, Rin tried to call out to them, but her mouth was slow, as if carved out of stone and not real at all. Her tongue was thick, her mouth felt stuffed with cotton.
The girls stopped and turned to stare back at her from a distance. It should've been impossible for Rin to see, but somehow she made out their features. The shorter girl with a bluish crescent moon on her forehead and bright, amber eyes. And the other, taller girl with silvered eyes and twin white streaks on her cheeks…
The shutters on the windows rattled and the doorway to the balcony shook, lashed by the wind outside. Rin found herself wide awake suddenly, gasping and searching the room. At the same moment she felt Saya with one hand, feeling the baby's warmth and hearing her steady, itty bitty breaths puffing in and out. The room was dark and it'd grown colder, Rin's feet were stinging with the chill.
Though there appeared to be nothing amiss, Rin trusted her instincts. She sat up and asked the darkness in her sleep-rasping voice, "Who's there?"
A shadow fell on the door to the balcony, sending Rin's heart pounding with panic for one microsecond before she relaxed again, releasing the breath she hadn't known she was holding. She would recognize the profile of that shadow, its bearing, its posture, and its long mane of white hair, until the day she died.
The door slid open when there was a lull in the wind and Sesshomaru passed through wordlessly, closing it again as soon as he was through. He faced Rin stiffly and radiating the cold of the night outside.
"Rin" he addressed her blandly as he lowered into a sitting position and lifted his only hand to touch on the metal of his shoulder guard. The motion was a silent plea to her, an entreaty for help. With only one hand he relied on servants to undress him and release his armor.
Obediently Rin rose out of the warmth of her covers and tiptoed across the freezing floor to kneel at his side. Clumsy, sleepy fingers fumbled with the ties on his armor. She flinched when her warm flesh touched the bitter metal and shivered reflexively. Sesshomaru stared straight ahead as she worked, like a statue. Even when they were at their warmest, most loving moments, these moments when his handicap was obvious always drew the same coldness. He was as unresponsive and uncomfortable as his icy armor.
Clearing her throat, Rin started speaking nonetheless, challenging him. "You made peace with Lord Shimofuri and his uncle?"
His breath changed minutely, picking up almost indiscernibly. "Yes, but it is unsteady." Rin caught his glare, burning at her through the darkness, "If not for my promise, I would have killed him."
Rin's fingers on the armor halted as she reached back into her memory and found that promise. "Lord Shimofuri, you mean?"
She could still feel his gaze on her, heavily as he answered and she continued picking at the ties. He said, "Yes." It was almost a grumble. She didn't expect him to go on but he did, adding, "He demanded a hostage."
The ties securing the metal shoulder guard slipped free. Biting her lips, Rin lifted it clear of Sesshomaru and set it aside. "You could've given him Jaken."
Sesshomaru lifted his nose higher into the air, looking down at her now. "Out of the question. That fool would not have taken Jaken."
Rin sat back and gazed into Sesshomaru's face directly. "Who did he want?"
Her mate's eyes narrowed with what might've been suspicion, as if Rin had set up whatever events had gone on in the Middle Lands while they were negotiating peace. "He has an interest in you."
"Lord Sesshomaru took Tsukiyume from Lord Shimofuri for so long, he desires the same thing. It is his right." Rin reached for the rest o his armor, searching with her now awake but cold fingertips for the other strings that secured his body armor.
Sesshomaru caught one of her wrists with his hand, squeezing it tightly. In spite of the fact that he had just come in from the cold outside, Sesshomaru's touch was hot on Rin's skin. Rin stared at his hand over her wrist as he spoke, demanding thickly, "Would you have gone as Shimofuri's hostage?"
Rin pursed her lips tightly, frowning through the darkness. She pulled her hand out of Sesshomaru's. "Yes, why not?"
Sesshomaru hissed out, "Ridiculous."
"Why am I ridiculous?" Rin muttered darkly, directing her eyes down toward where she'd set his metal shoulder guard. The spikes gleamed sharply and Rin felt a perverse desire to lay her palm over them, to feel them prick her skin.
Though she wouldn't meet his gaze, Sesshomaru was staring at her, his golden eyes ablaze from within, like the sun that had set the clouds on fire at dusk. "You would leave, you would betray me." After the faintest of pauses, he added one last word in a shallow growl. "Again."
Rin countered him immediately. "You'll go to Ginrei again. Hanone isn't enough." She added another nail to the coffin viciously, her words turning into bitter snarls at last. "Killing her family wasn't enough."
To his credit, Sesshomaru flinched at her words. "Silence."
Rin scooted away from him slightly and stared him down, eye to eye. "Maybe you should've handed me over to Lord Shimofuri." She muttered, her hands curling into fists at her sides. "What good am I, a lowly human, to the great Lord Sesshomaru? He only thinks of power and control, but I will not be controlled…"
Muscles in Sesshomaru's face quivered, jerking reflexively as he reined in his emotions carefully, stifling them and controlling his reaction. It was true what Rin had said, Sesshomaru was indeed a creature of control and power, even over himself. "I will not allow you to leave." His eyes narrowed, pinning her gaze with his own. "Saya is mine."
For a moment Rin felt nothing but the pulsing throb of her own heart, pumping away inside her ears, in the arteries on her neck and in her arms. She fought to control her breathing, there seemed to be a mass inside her chest, constricting it, blocking out parts of her lungs, keeping her from taking a full breath. Her body craved oxygen and she felt a wave of dizziness break over her. Sesshomaru would control her using Saya. If she ever entertained thoughts of leaving, Sesshomaru would take Saya from her, and Rin could never leave her baby behind.
Hot tears swarmed into Rin's eyes and spilled out uncontrollably. "Why?" she demanded in a low voice, chokingly. "Why would you do that? Why keep me here if you don't…if I'm not…" she swallowed and started to sob. "…Saya is nothing to you, she's hanyou…"
Sesshomaru was silent and, through her thick, hot tears, Rin couldn't see his expression. She blinked, trying to clear her eyesight, but more tears flooded her eyes, blurring the image all over again. The sobbing picked up; breathing became difficult around the surge of her emotion. She clapped a hand over her mouth and bent forward, trying to contain herself, to regain control.
"Stop crying." Sesshomaru ordered her, distantly.
Rin rocked back and forth, trying to stop—though not for him but for herself. The tears spilled over her cheeks and splattered onto the floorboards and onto Rin's lap. A few even landed on Sesshomaru's knees. "Why?" she demanded again, thumping a fist on the floor weakly. "Why would you keep me here?"
"You are my mate." Sesshomaru snarled back at her abruptly, as if those four words explained everything.
"I'm a worthless human." Rin held her breath, struggling to regain control. She scooted forward and reached for Sesshomaru's body armor again, as if to untie it as though nothing were wrong at all.
Sesshomaru caught her hands firmly in his own and Rin lowered her face to his robes, letting her tears soak into the place where his metal shoulder guard had perched before. "You are not worthless." He muttered above her.
"I can't…" she choked quietly into his robes, "…give you pure heirs…"
Though she would never see it, Sesshomaru closed his eyes, his face loosened, forming an expression that bordered on sadness or melancholy. "It does not matter."
Stiltedly, she sobbed out, "It mattered enough…you killed your own…lied to me…"
"Silence." Sesshomaru ground out, his voice thick. His lips moved up and down spastically, caught between anger and sadness. He released her hands and instead touched her shoulder, pulling her closer to him as if she were a child crying after a nightmare and seeking comfort. "Hush."
"You never…" she hiccupped and gasped, trying to take a deep enough breath to speak coherently, "You never told me…"
"I am sorry." He announced, coldly. "There is nothing that can be changed now." He stared at the futon that he'd called her from, at the mussed sheets and furs, at the lump where he could hear their daughter breathing peacefully in her innocent sleep. He touched Rin's hair, moving his clawed fingers gently through it. A memory stirred somewhere inside him, Ginrei's words spoken months ago when Rin had first run away. He repeated part of it to Rin, reverently. "It can only be accepted."
A time passed as Rin's sobbing calmed and Sesshomaru's hand continued to pass through Rin's long, black hair, solemnly. At last Rin withdrew from him and viciously attacked his body armor, untying it as fast as her long, narrow fingers could manage. The pieces fell away and Rin tossed them aside carelessly. Her face was creased deeply with furrows and lines of unhappiness. She didn't look into Sesshomaru's face, though he watched her unrestrainedly. Their positions had reversed. As a child and often as his mate, Rin spent her time studying him intently, always taking in his expressions, searching out his emotions and through those tiny traces, his thoughts. Now Sesshomaru was trying to do the same, striving to understand what was going on inside his mortal mate's head.
The last bit of armor came free and Rin rose to her feet and walked back to the futon unceremoniously. She cuddled close to Saya but didn't touch her. Her hands were too cold from being outside the warmth and security of the blankets and protective furs. She stared out at Sesshomaru from beneath the blankets, her expression fierce and stern.
After a moment of silence, Rin raised a quavering voice that contradicted the tough set to her face. "May Rin ask Sesshomaru-sama a question?"
"You may."
"Does Sesshomaru-sama love this worthless human? Is that why he traps her? Does he love his hanyou child?" her voice was quiet but thick with emotion. Her brown eyes gleamed with fresh unshed tears.
Sesshomaru grimaced for a microsecond and then cleared his face, searching his mind for some sort of answer…when it came he felt his body tense with irritation. "I did not know that Rin was trapped."
Rin's eyes closed tightly, the tears spilled out, but when she spoke her voice was stronger than it had been. "Answer me."
He stared at her and asked a question of his own, allowing his voice to reveal real anger. "You wish to leave me—you would run to Shimofuri?"
"Answer me!" Rin cried.
"I will never allow you to leave with Saya." Sesshomaru snarled at her, ignoring her demands as if she hadn't spoken at all.
"You don't love me." Rin covered her face with one hand, pressing her fingers to her eyes, smearing the tears. She rolled away from him to hide her face. "Shimofuri or Sesshomaru—I am a hostage to both."
That stopped him. Sesshomaru pulled back as if she'd slapped him, his mouth worked, revealing his fangs, bright and white against the rest of the dark room. His face blanked again quickly as he heard Rin's sobbing, quiet and restrained. She had smashed herself into the futon mattress to obscure the sound, but the stink of her salty tears and her misery reached Sesshomaru nonetheless.
"You are not my hostage." He told her, coldly. When he realized that she either hadn't heard him or was ignoring him, Sesshomaru called her name sternly, as if addressing a child. "Rin. You are not my hostage. You are my mate."
Still there was no response. Helpless, Sesshomaru stared at her shuddering, sobbing back through the furs, thinking furiously. Did he love her? It was a foolish question, a waste of his time. What did Sesshomaru care about love? How did he define it? Rin had run away to his political enemy, used herself against him, and while carrying his child no less. And yet the thought of allowing her to leave as a hostage sickened and angered him beyond measure. Declarations of love were pointless, trivial. What mattered were his actions. Sesshomaru would never keep Rin at his side if he didn't care for her—but would he ever tell her that aloud? Even Jaken he allowed to stay because the toad was oftentimes useful and could be, however reluctantly, tolerated.
He had never professed to miss his father, even to mourn his death. Inutaisho, in turn, had never uttered a word about love. His own father…why was Rin any different?
But Shimofuri…he pictured the younger inuyoukai's face, handsome and with blue-black hair. He had large, expressive eyes and often couldn't control the emotions that were displayed over his face—a weakness in Sesshomaru's mind. But if Rin demanded the same declaration from Shimofuri, the youth would probably be able to utter the words. He was gentler than Sesshomaru, naive. He'd been raised by a female ruler that smothered him with praise and affection. Rin would like Shimofuri's reaction to her question a lot more…
Sesshomaru got to his feet and stood, uncertainly, watching Rin crying for a time. Gradually he stepped forward until he was at her bedside. He knelt there and felt beneath the furs delicately with his hand. He touched Saya and the baby made a small gurgling noise. She smelled richly, sweet and musky, a healthy baby full of human milk.
Rin had realized, even through her grief, that Sesshomaru had knelt at her bedside. She'd quieted her crying and laid motionless, waiting for Sesshomaru's next move.
Stiffly, Sesshomaru tried to speak, but the words were almost robotic, dead and mechanical. "I care for you…"
"Is it impossible…" Rin murmured, closing her eyes, "For Sesshomaru to speak even the word love?"
"It is a human idea." He answered evasively. When he spotted the shining droplets of her tears and smelled the salt again, he hurriedly added, "I am sorry." Apologies had always felt strange on his lips and tongue, offensive things that gummed his mouth up. He blustered on, forcefully. "What must I do, Rin?"
She sniffled almost childishly and pawed at her nose as if she was angry with herself for catching a cold when it was really the tears and her grief that caused the runny nose. She recalled the dream she'd had: the snowstorm, Sesshomaru's dark blue boots moving through the snow drifts, the two white-haired girls following after him, leaping between boot prints…
She heaved a long, painful sigh. "I don't know."
Sesshomaru's hand fell onto her shoulder and squeezed it. "You would run away again?"
Rin made a small sound, almost a hiccup. She shook her head dimly. "No." There was nothing for her away from Sesshomaru. Even if she'd had Saya with her to nurture, worry over, and protect, just looking at the child every day would be a silent torture. Saya bore an unquestionable resemblance to her father. It would be impossible for Rin to see Saya without thinking of Sesshomaru. From the moment Rin the orphan had found the injured, despondent Sesshomaru in the woods, she had been bound to him unquestionably.
It was impossible to sever herself from him, not now, not when she'd run away, and not in the future…
Sesshomaru breathed audibly, Rin felt his grasp on her loosen slightly. She thought, though she couldn't be sure, that he was relieved by her simple answer. He began speaking, haltingly. "Your presence…is valued."
He didn't want her to leave, hadn't ever wanted her to leave.
"I'm tired." She murmured, the sound smashed on the pillow and devoured by the blankets.
"Sleep, Rin." His hand withdrew and Rin felt him move away, heard his robes rustle like the dry leaves that were turning their fall colors outside. She heard the rattle and grind of the doors on the balcony as they slid open, felt the draft of the cold hit the back of her head as Sesshomaru passed outside.
Saya whimpered once, stirring from her baby dreams momentarily, and then she was silent and motionless again, deep in her innocent sleep.
Moments later Rin fell into a dreamless void, fast asleep, unaware that Sesshomaru had not left her but stayed just outside on the balcony, staring into the distance, waiting for the sunrise.
A/N: Ugh, this is hard. I wanted so badly to update but I would sit down and look at the writing and get frustrated and go around and around in circles. The only way out that I see is that Rin has to come to terms with it all, but that just seems too bland! Ack! And when I get frustrated I get writer's block...writer's block!! NOOO!! (