What the hell just happened?
I'm standing in the main hallway of the Justice Building, trying to catch my breath while four Peacekeepers are staring at me in amazement.
"Katniss, what was that?" asks Darius.
"I don't…I don't know. I'm sorry," I say lamely. I can't think. My brain doesn't seem to be functioning properly.
"Well, you better go ahead and get out of here, he says, gesturing to the main door. "We're behind schedule now."
"Okay," I say, nodding. Before I go, though, I need to make one last request.
"Darius, please don't tell anyone…" By anyone, I mean Gale, and I'm sure Darius knows that.
"Don't worry," he says, shooing me away with his hands. "Just go! Now, before I have to arrest you."
Needing no further encouragement, I turn and almost run out the door. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I need to find someplace to think, to figure out what just happened. The forest is not an option—there are just too many non-District Twelve Peacekeepers in residence today due to the Reaping. The Meadow is out, too—it's too likely to be playing host to celebrating families having a picnic on a nice day like this.
I head for the only place I can think of—Victor's Village. Its sole resident, Haymitch Abernathy, is currently sitting on a train bound for the Capitol, so it's sure to be empty. I know my family and Gale will be waiting for me, waondering where I've gone, but I don't care. They know I can take care of myself, and I'll tell them I needed a walk. I'll be home for dinner, and they'll have to be satisfied with that.
My steps are quick—I want to get there before I run into somebody I know. I don't want to talk, I just want to think. Think, and maybe relive that kiss a little bit. That was my first kiss ever, and boy, was it a doozy! I mean, I don't have any basis for comparison, but…wow.
When I finally get there I sink down onto a bench in the square of Victor's Village, ignoring the enormous houses around me. I pull my knees up to my chest and remember.
I hadn't gone in there with any of that in mind—how could I have? I didn't think he even knew me except as maybe a familiar face from the hallways at school, maybe even as the girl he gave bread to once, but not as the girl he loved.
No, I had simply wanted to ease my own conscience by finally saying thank you, and to maybe make his coming death a fraction easier by letting him know that, as short as it was, his life had made a huge difference to me and mine.
When he told me he loved me, I didn't really believe him. A crush, maybe that I could buy. But love? No way. For one thing, I'm pretty unlovable to those who aren't my friends and family—anyone could tell you that. For another, Peeta and I had never even spoken. How can you love someone you've never had a conversation with? It was absurd.
But I was still looking for a way to make things even between us, and once I got over the shock of his confession, it gave me an idea. There was one thing left I could still give him—a kiss. It would be my first, which in my eyes was not something to be given away lightly. In fact, I had never really planned on giving it away to anybody at all. But in that moment I had wanted Peeta to have it, I don't really know why. Maybe because of the debt I still owed him, maybe because it seemed so stingy not to give such a simple thing to a dying man.
So I had kissed him before I could lose my nerve. It was meant to be brief, but Peeta had pulled me back and I had let him and then…wow.
Despite the warmth of the day, I feel a shiver run up my spine at the memory. The way he had kissed me…the way he had held me…maybe it wasn't just a crush, after all. I can feel my cheeks turn red with heat. I hide my face in my hands, glad there's no one there to see me.
I suddenly realize I'm acting like one of those silly girls at school—the ones who collapse into a fit of giggles every time a boy so much as looks at them. The girls who I usually have such contempt for. Maybe I have a little bit more understanding of them now. If a boy can make you feel like that…
And then it all comes crashing down on me. What am I doing? Daydreaming about a boy I hardly know—a boy who I'm never going to see again. A boy who has just been sent to the slaughter. I must be crazy.
One great kiss does not a relationship make, I remind myself. Peeta Mellark means nothing to me. Not really. And thank goodness, because if he did I'd be devastated right now. This situation, right here—this is exactly why I've always sworn I would never fall in love. You give your heart away and all that's going to happen is that it's going to get broken.
I told him to come home. Basically told him to come home to me. Why had I done that? Now he's going to think…but it doesn't matter. He's not coming home—everybody knows that.
What if he does? The question niggles in the back of my head.
He won't, I tell myself fiercely. No point in thinking of what-ifs. I just don't live in that kind of world.
Determined to put the whole business out of my mind, I stand up and head for home.
I can't sleep. It's the night after the Reaping, and I'm on a train that's hurtling me towards the Capitol. I should be sleeping—Effie Trinket has assured me and Ana that tomorrow's going to be a 'big, big, big day!' But my brain is hyped up with all the things I have to think about—sleep would be next to impossible at this point.
Sadly, even though I know it should be low on my list of priorities, below at least my family and game strategy, the main thing I keep thinking about is Katniss and that kiss we shared. And even more than that, her last words to me. She told me to come home, but what did she mean by that? In the heat of the moment it had been all too easy to believe she meant she wanted me to come home to her, that she returned my feelings. Now that there is some time and distance between us, though, I'm not nearly so sure.
Was everything that happened between us in that room just her taking pity on me? Or was it real? Or maybe a bit of both? It's so hard to know—my heart keeps getting in the way of my logic. I desperately want it to have been real, but common sense tells me that it probably wasn't.
But then I think about that kiss. I've been dreaming about kissing Katniss for years, and that kiss blew all of my imaginings out of the water. She couldn't have faked that, right? Nobody could. So what does that mean?
It dawns on me that I'm never going to get any answers to these questions. Katniss is the only one who could ever answer them, and she's back at home in District Twelve. I'm never going to speak to her again.
Unless you win the Hunger Games.
Suddenly everything has shifted. Up to this point I had pretty much given myself up for lost. Now I have a reason to make winning worthwhile. Now I have something to go home for.
I have to win, or literally die trying. Whatever it takes, I have to get home to Katniss.
AN: Holy Moley, people! Almost 30 reviews just for the first chapter? That's crazy awesome. I am really, really, flattered.
Sorry this chapter is so short, I am suffering from a common malady known as writer's block, trying to decide how detailed I want to get with the Games, etc. I know exactly where I want to end this, just not sure how many stops to make along the way!
Also, my birthday is Monday, so if any of you want to give me an early present you could always leave a review. Just sayin'. Also, no, I'm not going to tell you how old I am. ;)