Captain Spirk
Disclaimer: Gene Roddenberry's
A/N: That was an atrociously long wait for updates-sorry about that.
WARNING: I have a certain penchant for ridiculous emotional conversation. I know some readers don't enjoy this kind of thing so I have to apologise for giving in to my own weakness regarding this matter . It can't be all laugh all the time right?
Chapter 16: The Melding Secrets
It began with falling.
He was falling. It was the first thing that he realised and instinctively, he braced himself for the full impact of the inevitable. Curiously enough he was not fearful; not even a little bit. A part of him knew that there was nothing to be concerned about. It was a strange sensation regardless of the fact that he had underwent similar situation in an ice cave on a God-forsaken planet not too long ago.
It was an altogether 'fascinating' experience, if Kirk could borrow a quote.
Spock had suggested the Vulcan mind-meld as a method to try and discover the origin of the memory that had played in his mind earlier. It was with a kind of surprised that he learned that the memory was not Spock's; that apparently it was conjured up by his own mind.
Kirk did not experienced anything out of the ordinary when the vision of the elderly woman Spock claimed to be his mother had materialised and even did not find it within himself to distrust Spock's denial of connection to the memory.
There was no reason for Spock to be lying about such a thing anyway.
That was when the mind-meld was presented by way of a solution. Interestingly, Spock was particularly keen to initiate it. That in itself was a surprised to Kirk (and he wondered whether his wits could withstand anymore surprises because recently he seemed to be awfully inundated by them; pleasant or otherwise). Because although his educated knowledge about Vulcans was limited at best, he was aware of how sacred a mind-meld was to the race.
Initially he was wary of it; obviously there were certain things in his mind which was sacred or rather secretive and he would still like to keep it at that; as if Spock had not known – almost – everything already, but eventually since there would otherwise be no other explanation viable, he decided to go for it.
Mostly because he was mortally curious about things like this and his internal thrill-seeking 'radar' informed him that finding out about it would be worthwhile
There was also that little matter of McCoy's earlier warning about dragging them to Sickbay; possibly Kirk's least favourite place on board the Enterprise, unless when he was finding ways of mooching Saurian Brandy off Bones.
And then of course, there was that little fact that they might actually die (for real and not in some kind of a poetic metaphorical shit) if this whole Ponn Farr thing was not solved.
Spock had voiced his opinion that finding the origin of his Mother's memory would probably contribute to the solving of their situation. Kirk privately believed otherwise, and knew that it was just the Vulcan's excuse for an opportunity for a last possible link to his late Mother and Kirk might be an ingenious bastard at times; even he had not the heart to deny Spock of this.
There was a hidden part of his mind that knew unequivocally that whatever the memory was about and no matter where it came from; it was related either directly or indirectly to Spock Prime. After all, he was the only person to have ever had accessed to his mind before. And Kirk had a nagging feeling that the memory of Amanda Grayson was not the only one the older Vulcan had left behind.
Because sometimes, just sometimes, he fancied that he had caught of glimpses…of things and feelings between him and Spock that would no doubt be labelled illogical not only by his ever politically-correct First Officer but even by his own personal judgement.
He marked such fancy 'glimpses' when it happened as a severe case of misguided wishful thinking and left it at that.
But then again, "Well, it's not as if I actually do have even anything to hide from Spock anyway," he thought…and felt his thoughts darkened… "Except for the one thing…"which of course he would rather preferred not to mention.
Nevertheless, it was not the James T. Kirk way to back off from a challenge; no matter how embarrassing it would prove.
So he consented to Spock to initiate the meld.
The next thing he experienced was the feeling of Spock's – his – own fingers warm upon their face…
And he opened his eyes to find that he was suspended in midair in a partial darkness and the only source of light he saw was from an opening far away in the horizon. Unlike that first meld with the other Spock where he was fed information almost instantaneously from the moment that gnarled yet soft fingers touched his face, Kirk was inherently aware that this meld with this Spock would be a different experience.
For one thing, he was alone – he did not even sure where; his mind or Spock's or even if their minds were already merged; he had no clear idea of what was actually going on in Vulcan mind-melds.
Spock or rather his consciousness that Kirk was expecting to be here with him was not present.
He tried to move around and realised that here in this unknown place he was nothing but a disembodied presence. He possessed of no physical body but yet he was acutely aware of every feeling he was experiencing.
He felt utterly alone. It shocked him a bit that he could felt it so strongly. He had been able to hide from his own demons for so long and now? He was surrounded by loneliness. That was the one thing that Kirk had feared the most. Loneliness…to die alone and forsaken. It was something he was loathed to share with anyone, not even Bones.
He wanted to hold and be held to love and received love in return. Here in this quietness, he desperately needed somebody.
He realised suddenly that throughout his entire life, he had been a loner and that here, now that he could acutely felt the cold of isolation, he learned that he was lonely. The sudden realisation hit him hard that aloneness and loneliness were not one and the same.
Fear crept slowly from within him when some irrational thoughts crept into his mind. What if Spock had sent him here to his death? That it was the Vulcan's intention from the very beginning to be rid of him and to abandoned him in the confined of his own mind, surrounded by his own fear; slowly decaying away into madness. A sort of the Vulcan's twisted revenge for what Kirk had provoked Spock to do at their first meeting.
No!
Very firmly.
Kirk yelled or thought he did in denial of the morbid thoughts. Maybe he had not known Spock for very long. It was also very true that their initial meeting was less than exemplary. But didn't they save each other's lives when it really mattered?
And if this convoluted mess of sharing a body with the Vulcan had thought him anything; it was the fact that Spock was the most incredible person Kirk had ever had the chance to know. That there was this different aspect to the Vulcan's personality that had shined through to him where it had been hidden from everyone else.
The fact of the matter is that no matter what - even call him illogical; he trusted Spock with his life.
"Jim."*
And just like that, Kirk's initial fear was gone; dissipated like a wisp of cloud in the wind.
It was Spock. The Vulcan was standing beside him; a presence that he cannot see yet felt all the same.
Spock continued speaking. "You are surrounded by deep loneliness and a deep longing for…affection" – Spock sounded mystified – "I was never aware that it is even possible for someone like you."
It was amazing how he could make an easy statement sound like a scientific observation. Although Kirk could detect a hint of warmth colouring the Vulcan's tone.
Kirk felt himself smiled. "An easy mistake to make, Spock. It is understandable."
"Indeed."
"Where are we now?" Kirk asked getting back to business.
He felt Spock moved beside him. "We are at an intersection Jim; a bridge that connects your mind to mine. Our minds are merging now."
"Oh," was about the most intelligent response Kirk could provide.
And the next thing he knew was that the scene had changed and he was taken to a place he had never seen before.
In the distant horizon Kirk could see a mountain. It stood like a lone pinnacle shrouded in clouds; tall and majestic; forbidding and cold. Unreachable and perilous to attempt to conquer. It was a magnificent sight. One that he could never took his eyes off due to nothing else but for its sheer beauty.
It was a challenge and an enticement all at the same time; one that immediately won Kirk's attention.
He was after all, never one for easy.
''What would it take for me to conquer that?'' forgetting for a moment that Spock would be able to hear it.
He felt suddenly Spock's amusement and even bafflement at the statement.
"You wish to conquer me, Jim?"
"Huh?"
Kirk could feel Spock's amusement heightened. "That mountain you see is the representation of me, Jim."
Oh.
Uh…
So basically, he had just voiced in what would be equivalent to an outright confession that he would like to 'own' Spock. If Kirk still had his body, he would have definitely blushed.
He tried to salvage his dignity.
"I didn't mean it like that Spock!"
"An understandable mistake, Jim."
There was an affectionate ring to his voice that Kirk had never heard before.
Spock pointed again to another direction where a vast ocean was seen.
It was an incredible sight. From afar the ocean looked calm and bathed in glorious sunlight. The blue water was shimmering brightly in the golden sun. It looked calm, beautiful and mild at first glance. But as Kirk's eyes strained as he took on the view closely he saw signs that suggested otherwise. There were huge and turbulent waves there and they crashed mercilessly upon the sight of the cliff, where it is chipping away, bit by bit, at the cliff of that was nearest to the mountain.
"It is a beautiful sight, is it not?"
Kirk did not voice his opinion aloud although a part of him agreed with Spock. Nevertheless, there was another part of him that screamed that the scene before him was more than meets the eye.
"But the ocean would soon erode away the mountain. And then its peaks would tumble down," he whispered aloud. "That would be a sad thing to happen."
He felt a bittersweet sensation emanating from Spock.
"Your deduction is accurate, Jim. The mountain is yielding even now. But perhaps it would be for the better." Spock's voice was calm and accepting even tinged with a sense of sadness. "That mountain was a silent volcano and on the verge of collapsing upon itself. Perhaps it would need the water to calm it down."
Spock paused before he continued…
"I do not regret it."
It took Kirk a moment to connect the dots…
Didn't Spock mention earlier that the mountain was a representation of himself in this mindscape?
So what was the ocean representing?
"We have lingered here too long Jim. We have yet to find the purpose of our visit."
His tone was closed. No room for arguments.
"But Spock…"
"You will understand in time Jim. For now, we have to go."
And Kirk fell silent.
Love.
The next thing he felt was this overwhelming feeling of love.
Love?
Now here was one particular emotion that was admittedly mysterious to James Kirk. True, he loved his Mother (regardless of whatever) and definitely he loved Sam – very much – but he had never really experienced it with anybody else. Granted, there was Ruth, blond and beautiful and he even almost married her (which admittedly he was relieved that it didn't happen) whom he thought he loved.
His Father was always a taboo topic in his household when he was growing up no thanks to Frank, that arsehole of a man. Jim had never felt anything other than absolute hatred for him. When Frank died, he did not even bother to attend the funeral despite his Mother's begging him to come home…and truthfully he did not even felt guilty about it.
He had fallen out with his Mother after that. She was ever so angry with him that she vowed to never speak to him again. She had kept to her words even until now and although it did hurt him initially–very, very much – he found that after a while, it ceased to matter anymore. He had never lamented the tragedy and perhaps now he never will.
After that incident, he could never even fathom how 'true love' as many people seemed to be in a (futile) quest for can even exists. And he was Human for goodness sake…he was supposed to be born to instinctively know this kind of thing.
Naturally therefore, he was not expecting Spock to know much about it either. True, Kirk had good reasons to believe that Spock, despite his Vulcan blood and all that, was able to love, but he would never expected his First Officer to felt it so keenly.
Obviously Kirk was only painfully aware of what had transpired on the Bridge of the Enterprise that saw him narrowly missing death by a few breaths. Although what he did to provoked Spock that fateful day was extremely necessary, he still personally felt like a total jerk for doing it.
He had to accuse Spock of the most dastardly accusation of all: that the Vulcan did not love his Mother who had just died.
'Serve me right,' he'd berated himself later. But seriously, that was the only way he found to emotionally compromised the inscrutable Vulcan. And the hint to do so came from the most reliable source too: Spock Prime.
And now…now in this very moment when everything in his more-colourful- than- he ever bargained for life, he'd found out that he was carrying a memory that was not his own.
''Jim, whence do you come by this memory?'' Spock had repeated the question twice.
Kirk found himself as flummoxed as Spock.
The Vulcan's curiosity and emotion was palpable even to Kirk. If Kirk had ever doubted that Spock had emotions before; the theory had been dashed instantly.
''You are still grieving,'' he pointed out, and immediately felt that it was the stupidest thing he could say at the moment.
Spock was silent for a while. His emotions swirling all over Kirk's like oncoming rain.
''Grieving is illogical.''
Kirk received the distinct impression that the words were in extreme contradiction to Spock's current emotional state.
''Yet you still find yourself doing it,'' Kirk said foolishly perhaps, but he did meant it kindly. ''And it isn't something you should be ashamed about too,'' he added sensing correctly the Vulcan's forthcoming denial.
''Indeed.''
Kirk offered no answer. The mood surrounding him now was sombre and at the moment he is torn between worrying of his and Spock's life and worrying about their collective emotional states.
Because the truth is, at the moment, he wished so very badly that he could wrap his arms around the Vulcan and comfort him. Spock would call him illogical – Kirk knew he would – and most likely would push him away, but at the moment his instinct told him that it was the right thing to do.
It was just the unfortunate matter that his hands did not exactly completely belonged to him exclusively at the moment that stopped Kirk from acting upon the noble intentions. Hugging Spock now would be equivalent to hugging himself and Kirk could see it with his mind's eye how ridiculous it would look.
''No. Seriously that won't do,'' he told himself regretfully.
''Your concern is unnecessary, Captain,'' the Vulcan's voice was quiet and Kirk was pretty sure Spock had realised what he had wanted to do. He froze.
But Spock was not finished. ''But it is not unwelcome.''
Kirk wondered how such a simple admission could make his heart soar like it did.
It hit Kirk in that very moment on how very open Spock was in this surreal universe called the mind-meld.
No secrets between them; only respect and deep understanding.
He found himself yearning for more.
The next moment as it was, his mind was taken away again and this time he reached a familiar pathway. An exclamation of surprise – the first- he had ever heard from Spock caught his attention. He felt Spock's mind directing forward to look out and then he saw them.
Like a hologram the scenes played out in front of him. He had never seen them although a part of his mind recognised and responded to it. Somehow Kirk knew; these images were projected by him, from his own memory although it was not him who had put it there.
Spock, beside him was silent, obviously fascinated beyond measure of his usual Vulcan decorum.
Together they saw there like an ancient postcard from the past (or indeed from a future which no longer existed) images that shocked them.
They saw the Enterprise. Just very much alike the one they were on now, just with a slight…difference. The bridge seemed darker, smaller and more intimate. And then, Kirk saw himself – an older, much more matured and self-assured version of himself commandeering the great Starship as if it had always been written in his life destiny. Beside him stood as always the ever loyal companions: he saw Bones much older and much wisdom in his blue eyes, but Bones all the same and there was Uhura as lovely as always, a smiling Sulu, Chekov with a mischievious smile on his face and a proud-faced Scotty.
Kirk knew instantly: His most loyal crew. His heart was warmed by that fact. Even though, this crew was not his in this Timeline, he knew that some things, someone would belonged to him even in his own world.
Like a premonition then he saw there was Spock, standing – by his (counterpart) side - and he saw the assured look on his counterpart's face as he flashed a smile to his First Officer. Kirk saw the Vulcan graced his Captain with a small yet unmistakable smile. A smile –from a Vulcan! It was a definite sign of deep friendship; and his counterpart beaming visage stirred a sudden deep envy from within him.
If Kirk had been paying attention to his own Spock, he would have felt the ripples of shock and even amazement colouring the other's presence.
The scene faded to be replaced by another one. They were taken to a strange place: red sand, towering pinnacles upon deserts…Kirk could almost feel the emanating heat.
''Vulcan,'' Spock whispered, his voice sounded slightly shaky.
Kirk was not able to tear himself away from the sight that greeted him.
He saw Spock, Bones and himself in a sort of arena and gathered about them were many Vulcans , including a very beautiful young lady and a stern looking female matriarch.
Whether he was receiving the residue of Spock's thoughts or by some unknown reason, Kirk deduced who these women were. One of them undoubtedly was T'pring, Spock's deceased fiancée and the other one Kirk knew from his Academy days; T'pau one of the most renowned Vulcans in the Federation.
He was stunned when Spock decreed: ''My grandmother.''
Wow.
So Spock's grandmother was the T'pau?
Now this was new information for Kirk. Obviously he was well aware of Spock's father, the famous Vulcan ambassador to Earth, but he did not expect Spock to be related to the woman who was invited to be a part of the Federation heads. She turned it down of course, but still…
His respect for Spock just increased ten-fold.
But his spirit plummeted when he saw himself being pitted against Spock in a duel to the death for the possession of T'pring.
Possession?
But why would he want her?
Why would he want to kill Spock for a possession of another woman he did not even know?
''I believe Captain, that we are witnessing my counterpart's first Ponn Farr,'' Spock's voice sounded dry and strained for whatever reason.'
Huh…Ponn Farr?
Spock Prime?
But, but…
Kirk's mind was a jumbled of questions and curiosities. He did not know which one he would like to voice out first.
Eventually this came out:
''Why would I want to be involved with your Ponn Farr?''
Spock's only answer to this unfortunate question was a profound impression of: 'Not now and just observe, Captain.'
With the Vulcan in no mood to play 20 questions; Kirk was left with no choice.
He watched.
And this is what he saw:
Himself and Spock or rather their respective counterparts, fighting with strange looking devices, with Kirk obviously standing no chance of winning whatsoever.
He saw Bones' intervention, but saw nevertheless his 'death' and heard the unmistakable exclamation of surprise from his own Spock at the scene and even Kirk could not miss the look of utter devastation painting the other Spock's face.
And then suddenly they saw the scene changing back to the Enterprise – Sickbay – and greeted with a beaming Spock – beaming! – as he found out that his Captain's death was nothing more than a calculated move on the Doctor's part (he had given Prime Kirk a neural relaxant to simulate death).
Such an open and overwhelming display of emotion from a Vulcan was as rare as Vulcan rain.
'There was no denying the love there.'
Kirk couldn't stop himself from thinking the thought even if he wanted to.
Spock gave no indication to his private thoughts…there was a wall there; Kirk could feel it.
The Vulcan was shielding.
As the scene dissolved again to be replaced by another memory from another time, Kirk found himself wondering now, of what exactly was the kind of relationship that his counterpart and Spock's were having with each other.
He also wondered what good the knowledge of it would bring to his own one with this Spock.
Somehow, he felt that it was a hopeless case; as it was, it was obvious Spock was shielding from him again.
Like the Vulcan knew what Kirk was thinking and since he did not reciprocate it, decided to shield away from him as not to hurt Kirk's feelings.
Kirk's heart sank.
It was not the time for him to dwell on his lack, however, as the scene changed once again:
They were back on the Enterprise and there were many people there, delegates and diplomats and Kirk caught them talking about 'a convention in Babel' and understood that it must be that the Enterprise was tasked with the duty to escort them there.
He himself changing into formal uniform with a grumbling Bones by his side and being joined by Spock a moment after.
It was an interesting insight to Spock's family dynamics with an awkward introduction to Spock's parents and –him and Spock gasp – when they saw again the woman by Sarek's side.
It was the Lady Amanda Grayson.
''Spock,'' he whispered.
The Vulcan responded with an affirmative. ''Yes, Captain – this is indeed the vision we have seen earlier. I am intrigued.''
And so was Kirk.
He was aware of the friction between Spock and Sarek and wondered whether it applied to this Timeline – he saw nothing but Vulcan love and respect from Sarek of his own Timeline.
Most touching of all, at least where Kirk was concerned, was the kindness that Amanda seemed to be permeating. Here was a Human woman who had chosen to immerse herself in Vulcan way of life without betraying a hint of her Humanness. Kirk was impressed and where he was not personally affected so much by her death before, seeing this image of her thus, made him regret for never knowing her.
'At home nowhere, but Starfleet.'
But then, Sarek had suffered a heart attack and had to be operated and since there was not enough Vulcan blood available on board, Spock would have to be the donor for blood transfusion.
It was going well, but a surprised attack on the Prime Kirk had stirred something within the Prime Spock and he had refused to do the operation – even turned against his Mother's wishes – in favour of searching for the culprit of Kirk's attacks.
Even from a watcher's point of view, it was a painful thing to watch, seeing a Mother begging her own son to save her husband's life. And yet, Spock Prime was determined with his decisions. It earned him a slap that Kirk was sure hurt more in the soul than it did on the face.
Spock was a silent watcher beside him. Nevertheless Kirk could feel the wheels of emotions churning within the confines of the wall the Vulcan had built.
''Spock…,'' he began. He was sure this was not what Spock had expected to see.
"I am well Captain. Do not be concern.''
Kirk found it hard not to be.
He saw many moments after that vision of Spock parents. Later, when he tried to recall them back, he would be loathed to realised that he could not remember them all. What would come to him would be snatches of memories, not his own, that nevertheless possessed of deep impact on his life.
But of these memories what stood out for him the most was the deep affection held and shared between Spock Prime and his counterpart:
Shared looks and chaste touches, the brushing of fingers; secret mind-melds in the privacy of the Captain's quarters…
Sacrifices; many of these…deaths…the destruction of the Enterprise…deep profound sadness in Spock Prime because…
Kirk was intrigued and he wanted to know more, but…
Everything grew dark around him and he felt reality swirling all over him until eventually his eyes adjusted and focused.
He found that he was back in his quarters.
What?
He shook his head as his eyes adjusted slowly to the bright quarters. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts; it felt like he had been through a hurricane-filled tunnel and back.
He felt exhausted.
''Are you alright, Jim?''
Kirk blinked.
''Well, that was one hell of a ride,'' was what slipped out from his mouth.
''Indeed,'' came the dry reply. ''I take it that you are fine.''
Kirk gave a silent agreement. But he voiced another complained.
''Why did you end the meld, Spock? There was more wasn't it?''
''You have never told me that you have melded with my counterpart,'' Spock countered.
''I don't think that's public information. But it was necessary and you know that,'' after all, Spock the younger had seen that meeting with his Prime in one of the visions.
''Indeed.''
''That's the only intelligent comment you can come up with?''
That came out sounding angrier than it was.
''Jim?''
''I want to know why you ended the meld.''
''It was necessary. You are growing weary. A meld could drain an untrained person with undesirable circumstances.''
Spock paused.
Before Kirk was able to interject however, he continued, ''It was not our place to intrude in another's memory.''
Oh really?
''Then why the hell did your counterpart implanted those memories into my mind then? Obviously there are ways for him to relay information to me without opening up his own private thoughts. And aren't you the one who suggested the mind-meld in the first place?''
''Enough Jim!'' Spock's voice sounded as weary as Jim felt and was laced with frustration.
It was enough of an impact that made Kirk shut up and pay attention.
''There are things I saw in the vision that you cannot see. Not directly, but we as Vulcans are trained to be able to detect signs in melds. I can only say this to you: that my counterpart held a certain 'affection' for your counterpart. Do not ask me what it pertains, that information is not mine to tell.''
Kirk stood listening as if stupefied.
Well, he might not be Vulcan trained, but even he as a casual observer could point out what those 'affection' probably means. But he kept this thought to himself. There's no need to derail this Spock further.
Spock continued, ''As it were, I received the impression that such was his joy at meeting you on Delta Vega that he 'accidentally' imprinted his memories of your counterpart to you.''
''Accidentally?'' Kirk queried.
'I believe it is so. Otherwise I see no reason for doing so. As a Human, you are not able to retrieve such information yourself. That is, unless, you are bonded with a Vulcan.''
'If he's bonded to a Vulcan'
''Well now,' Kirk thought. 'What did the sly old Vulcan getting at?''
Kirk was left to wonder.
It was later in the day, and they were both still recovering from the revelation of the meld and the consequence it would bring to their relationship that there was a buzz at the door. Admittance to enter was given and both of them understandably expected Bones to appear was greeted by the familiar sight of Yeoman Janice Rand bearing the food tray.
The first thing that Kirk noticed was the fact that although Rand – as proficient as usual – to her duty, she was noticeably carefully avoiding him/Spock's eyes. Upon obtaining permission, Kirk watched her set the table with her usual efficiency, even more efficient than normal without a word. They watched her go about her duty in silence. The tension she was emanating was so palpable that Kirk wondered if she would snap.
She was just turning to leave, apparently glad to escape the scrutiny.
''Yeoman.''
The reaction was immediate. Her body turned rigid. As she turned to face him, Kirk could clearly see apprehension shining in her eyes. He found that he did not like it.
''Sir, Captain, Mr. Spock, I am terribly sorry if the food was not to your satisfaction. I was merely following Dr. McCoy's suggestion, Sir,'' Rand said defensively. To her credit, her voice was steady and professional.
Kirk could feel Spock also sharing his feeling in this matter.
''No Yeoman, the food is excellent thank you. But I believe that Mr. Spock and myself, we owe you an explanation.''
''Indeed,'' Spock added and Kirk was grateful.
For a moment Rand looked bewildered as though she was unwilling to believe her own hearing.
''Sir?''
Kirk sighed. ''You know, you have never been derelict in your duties before and I am fortunate to have you as my personal yeoman. I would just like you to know that whatever happened on the Bridge the other day was regrettable. I – we- are under a lot of stress and might have taken it on you. For that we apologise.''
A little smiled began to spread across Rand's face at that admission. She had always been the forgiving kind and she accepted the apology willingly. Truth be told, she was already regretting sending the transfer request the moment she handed it in.
''Thank you Captain, Mr. Spock. It is much appreciated.''
''Are you still going to proceed with the transfer application then Yeoman?''
Rand's face reddened. ''Um, well,' –she stammered – 'About that, Captain, 'I might've have overreacted a bit regarding that matter Sir,' she admitted. 'I would like to take it back.''
Everything was back as it was, at least regarding to his relationship to Rand. After all, Kirk did not make it a habit to terrorize his crew.
And for that matter, neither did Spock.
As they devoured their meal in silence, both deep in their own thoughts, Kirk wondered about things he have learned that might have tipped the balance regarding his relationship with Spock. It made certain things a little more complicated and they are still the Ponn Farr and its consequences. They still haven't a way to release it, so to speak.
Although, Kirk was personally very relieved that both Spock and himself were calmer now and not (yet) totally consumed by the 'blood fever' that Spock had spoken of.
Kirk shuddered involuntarily.
''Is something bothering you Jim?'' Kirk was well aware that Spock had been careful of impeaching into his mind since the meld.
'Yes loads,' he thought but didn't voice it. He sighed.
'''Mr. Spock, I won't lie to you. Everything I am currently experiencing are so overwhelming, plus the bonus fact that it could end up killing me that I wonder whether I am having a very, very prolonged nightmare or I'm going crazy,' he paused and experienced first hand the plummeting of Spock's heart.
''But, I am also very aware of one thing,'' he continued musingly.
When Spock failed to answer, Kirk finished. ''If this is indeed a nightmare Spock, I feel very glad that at least I have you here with me.''
He felt Spock returning a warm response through their mind link. Kirk found himself strongly reminded of the way Spock Prime had returned the smile to the Prime Jim.
The way his spirit was warmed by the memory felt good.
''Yes, regarding that Jim,'' Spock suddenly broke into his train of thoughts.
''What is it Spock?''
''I believe we should be contacting my counterpart for more information.''
To Be Continued…
*Special mention to the TOS episode 'And the Children Shall Lead' Spirkiest turbolift scene. No need to thank me. (;D)*
…that was complicated.
…please don't kill me
*runs away*