Captain Spirk

A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! (crickets chirp). Thank you so very much for all the reviews and alerts! I'm surprised (and extremely pleased) that they are still new readers discovering the fic. To all reviewers – thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I know I'm terrible at replying to each review personally but please know that all of them are deeply appreciated.

Chapter 18: The Importance of Being Honest

"It may seem difficult at first; but everything is difficult at first." - Miyamoto Musashi

In the end, their attempt to reach the older Spock was unsuccessful. The older man, quite possibly their last hope at salvation was just simply out of reach. And dear God, Kirk was tired. They had spent the whole day trying to locate the elusive Vulcan to no avail. In this closed up quarters, Kirk was feeling restless despite his exhaustion; both mentally and physically.

The night had gotten too long, too dark and too hot. Kirk felt awfully strange. Spock had been quite; too quiet as a matter of fact. Kirk didn't seemed to be able to rouse the other man from what presumably was a deep sleep. Not that he wanted to. He knew too well that both of them needed their rest for what could possibly be the last stretch of their lives. It was insane and impossible. It was irreversibly, his reality.

He sighed into the darkened room unheeding of the fact that his breath was hot steam even in the air conditioned room. He needed sleep badly, he knew, but it was simply eluding him. And in his nearly delirious state he had allowed his mind to wander away again.

He was in love.

He, James Tiberius Kirk, is totally, absolutely, truly, terribly in love with Spock son of Sarek of Vulcan.

He was so positively screwed.

"Too bad that you always wish for things you cannot have."

Frank – that bastard – had said it to his face in mocking when he was little, often enough that he had actually believed it.

But 'cannot have' has never stopped him from wanting anyway.

In retrospect to this illuminating knowledge was the fact that he should have known that this was coming for him from miles away. What was it that people used to say? That hate is just one step away from love. Kirk loved his literature. He really did. As a matter of fact, it often surprise (or shock) many people to know that he reads (yes, he does) great literary works of the Masters of old. Kirk found that his current engagement with his First Officer to be more than a little worthy for the finer works of the likes of Shakespeare.

But the life changing event that would take place should he acknowledge and make bold his intentions to his First Officer was what stayed Kirk's tongue from admitting there and then what he held within him for Spock. Kirk could never really point out when exactly he had realised that Spock was more special to him than just an acquaintance.

For one thing, Spock would surely soon enough deemed him unreasonable and illogical - Kirk would bet his life on it. For another there goes his number one rule of non-involvement with subordinates. That was so not Kirk's style. As Captain of the vessel, he's definitely not keen on the high possibility of being 'emotionally compromised' when every duty might put either Spock or himself in the line of fire. It happened often enough in this life of theirs that Kirk knew it was an inevitable outcome.

Also, he had never been with a man before - Human or otherwise. But still, Kirk was nothing if not adaptable - he was pretty sure that part of the love equation he'd be able to manage just fine. Kirk, after all wouldn't mind leading and being led so to speak. The eagerness and spikes of desire he had felt in those heated dreams were proof to that. Secretly, the possibility of being dominated was exciting to him anyway. So this fact was just a trivial matter.

So that matter aside; it left just one more thing for him to consider: Spock's consent and mutual, well, agreement regarding this. Kirk really wished it was that simple. If it was a girl, he'd have no qualms about voicing his proposal. Heck he could do it to another man with no problem. He'd have them known of his own intent right away, whether the answer he received be yes (often times) or no (that one time he tried to pick Uhura up).

Due to the fact that he was more or less able to detect the gist of the Vulcan's nuances, he knew now that Spock did regard him in a way different than he did others (Kirk would dearly loved to say 'special') but that would be pushing it. But nevertheless, this was Spock, for goodness sake! Spock who was not only his First Officer but a Vulcan to top it all off. Kirk could only imagine how awkward it would be. Scrape awkward - it's downright ridiculous.

How do you tell a Vulcan your feelings? Even thinking it seemed like a terrible idea. He wondered how Uhura had done it. And Spock was even willing - Kirk cringed at the sudden jealousy that thought provoked - so obviously the Vulcan was definitely not averse to a romantic relationship. Nope, not at all.

But then again Uhura was also a woman, godamnit. Of course it was a logical selection for Spock. But his masculinity would not contribute much he supposed. After all, Vulcans being as logical as they were, they'd expect natural childbearing to be a part of the process, wouldn't they? Kirk would hazard a guess that it would, considering recent events. And Kirk was definitely - despite the advent of medical advancement - and as awesome as he was, will never ever going to be able to provide in that direction. There's only so much that technology can do.

He sighed as a heavy feeling settled at the bottom of his stomach making him vaguely nauseous

Kirk really didn't know whether he should laugh or cry. Maybe he should do both and blame it on the Ponn Farr. Of all the convoluted things that had happened to him thus far; this one surely takes the cake. Of all the people on this whole big endless universe to fall in love with, it just had to be Spock.

"Had always been Spock," a voice whispers at the back of his head. Even on that very first time on that fateful day that had meshed their lives together. There was just something about the Vulcan that had always attracted Kirk. Like a deadly poison slowly but surely coursing through his veins. Perhaps this is his Achilles heel asserting itself. Kirk had always been a sucker at wanting to prove that he could achieve the impossible. It must be the ego maniac in him. He'd always been told that the other thing bigger than his head was his ego.

Not that he'd care much for talk anyway. To him talk is cheap and useless.

But there are certain words that had transcended even the test of time. And Kirk suddenly found his ego defeated by them.

I love you.

One sentence. Consisting of three words. Three simple words that for time immemorable had delighted, deluded and despaired over by Human kind. It was just three words. Just three simple damn words. And here he was held busy trying to not say it by virtue of self-preservation.

Against what? A part of his mind cried. Why are you torturing yourself so?

It was just so easy to let it out. It's true; this was torture. This self-inflicted pain he was going through. God, it would be so easy, so very easy to just let it out. They're both facing death in the face anyway now if Bones's estimation was correct. And the esteemed Doctor's medical abilities despite his erratic personality had never been in question. Not to mention that Spock had confirmed that in the affirmative too.

So what was it?

Despite whatever evidence he had seen as recent as yesterday, he would never know what exactly that Spock was thinking and...feeling. They have been in tuned with each other so much it was almost frightening, but Kirk found that he was still able to hide things, intimate thoughts - from the other brilliant mind currently sharing the space. He knew that Spock was shielding his thoughts too.

A part of him, the part that had grown closer and closer to the person he was sharing this bizarre situation with, was almost sure that the other man felt like he did. That Spock was also in love with him. That one thought alone was enough to make Kirk keel over and die from the sheer wonder of it all. But this was a deeper feeling than mere fleeting fancy, Kirk knew. Knew inherently that these feelings were not bourne of simple things like physical attraction. Granted, Spock was gorgeous. And God damn it - Kirk would never ever say it aloud - but Spock was gorgeous. In an outerwordly elegant way of his that only Spock could carry. On other people it would just seemed drab and boring, but on Spock they're everything but.

It was a feeling that had slowly grown even when the seed that had planted it had long been forgotten. Kirk was never unsure over anything. But he had wanted to make it perfect. Make it wonderful for both of now that the cat was out of the proverbial bag, that he had taken this feeling he felt into absolute serious consideration, he knew it wasn't just a newly discovered crush. But then again, the more cynical part of his concsiousness whispered, what if all this feelings of love and affection a by-product of the Ponn Farr and not of Kirk's own willing desire.

"Indeed," as Spock would say. What of that?

But then Kirk had remembered that scene in the mind meld; the one where a fiercely beautfiul sea was chipping away at a rapidly crumbling peak of a volcano. Kirk wasn't stupid in the slightest and Spock's evasiveness in explaining the metaphor made it even more obvious. Call him an egotistical bastard, he knew – inherently – that the sea was a representation of himself. And the tumbling peak was Spock personified. It seemed that Kirk's very existance in his lifehad shaken Spock to the core. Wasn't that what the scene was implying? That they needed each other, twisted though it may be.

Really, what the hell had he done that was bad enough to merit this? His hand had shot to the side of his head, absently massaging the throbbing ache that had just erupted.

It was beginning to be a little bit too much. Kirk felt like a rubber band that had been pulled and stretched to its limits. He didn't think that he would be able to keep the truth away much longer. He was exhausted beyond belief. And in his heart he knew this; that Spock had known about it too. Suddenly, as sure as the sun will rise over the horizon every single morning of his life on Earth, Kirk saw the truth very clearly.

There's no two ways around it. The truth must be known now, or Kirk knew that he'll regret it forever. If he even lived long enough to see another day.

According to Spock there was only one way out of their predicament anyway. The Ponn Farr would be abated in an act of love. In an act of madness. And if love is not akin to madness, then Kirk does not know what is. He was willing to sacrifice for the sake of it. He did not know how exactly he was supposed to make love to Spock (if the latter was even willing) when they were sharing the same body but... he'll figure it out later. In what could possibly be the worse timing ever, his hazy, red-fog clouded brain was shutting down...

Was he – are they – dying?

"Spock..." he called but there was no answer.

"Spock?" he tried again. Panic rose within him when there was no reply. The heat seemed to intensify and sweat beaded upon his brows.

Kirk struggled as a sense of weakness suddenly pervaded him. He needed to rouse Spock and tell him the truth before it was too late.

He called upon his last reserves of strength, summoned the courage and...

"Jim."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Jim..."

"Huh?"

Kirk didn't know when he had doze off when he was suddenly jerked awake by the soft call of his name.

"Open your eyes"

The pressure of a warm body pressing close to him and the hot breath on his face surprised him. Kirk's eyes squinted as they adjusted to the dim lighting snapped open. He felt a sense of deja vu.

Staring down on him was Spock. And there was a preditorial glint in the dark eyes and a smirk in the normally stoic face.

What the hell?

A smirking Spock. Kirk was hit with a sense of deja vu.

The dreams...this was just another dream.

The smirk on Spock's face turned into a full blown grin. It was a beautifull yet intimidating sight, and sent a shiver down his spine.

The look was sexy as hell.

To Be Continued

I smell lemon approaching. Do you? XD