Chapter 22: Puzzle Pieces

This chapter is shorter than the previous one but I figured that I owe all of you an update, so here it is! Thank you for the continued support and I absolutely appreciate all the reviews in particular. If you see anything resembling emo!Kirk in this chapter, please don't blame me, t'was the fault of a traumatic bonding experience et al. Enjoy!

Sometimes Kirk wondered if he was cursed.

Silly as that might sound in these days and age. Looking at his personal history though, he might have a point after all. As much as he tried not to, he often thought about the disaster that was his childhood years and how his life had changed, for good or bad that would do. He was as far away from his Riverside, Iowa hometown as he could possibly be and he was successful.

As the captain of a United Federation of Planets' best ship in the armada, he had grown to be more successful that he had ever thought he could be. He thought that his world was breaking apart, once upon a time when Carol Marcus stomped all over his heart but time and distance had patched things up again and success and trust that had been heaped upon him made him feel accomplished finally.

At 27 years of age he was on top of the world.

Amazing what a simple declaration from Spock was threatening to crush everything that Kirk had built into dust.

In the midst of the cloudy haze which was his rapidly dissolving rationality a thought penetrated to him that things might not be as it seemed.

He was crazy, he knew. Maybe even literally and that's not impossible given his propensity for attracting trouble. Heck, the whole of the last few weeks' prior would have sent even the most sensible person amok. So he should be excused for feeling more than a little out of sorts.

And – oh – did he mention about sharing a body and minds with his first officer and enjoying amazing mind-blowing sex (while possibly inhabiting one body, a fact Kirk was still unable to determine) with said officer? Granted there was also some Vulcan mind-voodoo involved, oh yeah, Blood Fever that he still had no actual clue what it was about and definitely some sort of a proclamation of love (Kirk thought) jumbled along in the afterglow of said intercourse and then this.

That should insofar sum up this fucking, what-the-hell-happened nightmare that was his life lately quite accurately.

It would be just his luck, Kirk thought wryly torn between irony and despair, that the meld had sent his emotion spiraling out of control and now he sounded like a jilted 11 year old instead of the mature adult he was supposed to be. Worse, was the realisation that there was a huge possibility, given how appallingly Spock had reacted to the whole 'declaration of love' thing, that perhaps Spock was really – without the effect of the aforementioned Blood Fever – not as in love with Kirk as Kirk was crazy about him.

Because, even disturbed as he was at the moment (and he knew inherently that he was just that –disturbed); it felt stupid, even demeaning, how wrapped up he was with his obsession over Spock. The indignity of acting like a complete idiot when he knew he was far wiser than this. A part of him, the more reasonable part, knew that this was terribly uncharacteristic behaviour for him. Thinking that there was a possibility that Spock had a valid point when he suggested that this (what? Love, infatuation, obsession?) could not go on because of harm that might come to Kirk.

Like going permanently off the handle for example, or some such rot as that.

Kirk was positively sure that going crazy was not cool in the he-will-lose-his-captainship-and-be-carted-to-an-a sylum sort of way. Longs story short, not cool at all.

And damn it, Kirk had been arguing with himself again, which of course had been established as sure as daylight a precursor to insanity. But can anyone blame him?

Between anger, frustration, intense sadness and confusion meshed together in the churning cauldron of emotions, Kirk really did not know how he managed to gather the strength to still be standing on his own two feet after those condemning words had slipped from Spock's mouth (sever it!), let alone sort through the fact that he might be in danger to himself particularly with this display of unstable behaviour. It was in precarious moments like this in his life that had thought Kirk that adrenalin was an amazing stimulant and Kirk took full advantage of this fact most often than not to McCoy's abject displeasure. But McCoy was not here at the moment, so what the hell.

Feeling like he was stuck in a permanent loop of a mental see-saw, and propelled by the horrified look now adorning Spock's face, Kirk fought hard for calm. After all, no one wanted a crazy spouse and at the moment Kirk was displaying the behavioural traits of such a person. Having a legitimate reason to go berserk such as that Vulcan courtship was driving him out of his wits was not a good enough reason to get away with horrendous manners. So he inhaled a deep calming breath and felt that across the room Spock was doing the same.

It was good to know that he wasn't the only one with the predicament.

He calmed down, forced himself to do so, there was no point in losing more than he already possibly did.

He wanted to laugh, loud and bitter. The universe really had something against him and a happy ending and he didn't hold a candle for things to suddenly start changing now. No matter, he'd have enough practice in endurance, so he steeled himself, stood upright to his fullest height as best he could and fought the overwhelming urge to crumple on the floor. He still had his dignity and pride. Thank God for that.

And so far, he noticed he had been the one to patiently allow Spock to come to terms with the situation. He was the one who had always been been trying to understand Spock's Vulcan heritage and his need for rationalization and logic while Spock seemed to not reciprocate with whatever effort to return the same for him. Did he really want to be a part of such a one-sided relationship where he was the one pining and giving while Spock played the indifferent partner?

Kirk sighed, running his cold, clammy fingers over his hair as he forced himself to think, which was easier said than done. Thinking was a challenging thing to do when you're stressed which Kirk definitely was but he managed. As a matter of fact, he arrived at two decisions he can make regarding the situation, either to stay here and fight Spock or to banish Spock away from the room, hide himself in his quarters until the universe (and most likely, Bones, interfere) and pick the pieces of his life. At the moment the latter seemed to have the most possibility in coming to fruition.

The energy in the surrounding air of the room was palpable, charged with the stench of doubt and uncertainty.

Nevertheless, there were riddles in this matter that he wished to solve before he decided to pull away and stop fighting. His feelings for Spock would not be easily quenched regardless, but perhaps with some understanding of Spock's motivation he would at least be able to achieve some peace for himself when this (hardly) rosy but brief affair was over. He figured he deserved that much at least. Looking the Vulcan square in the eyes and willed into himself a confidence he really did not feel, he went straight for the heart of the matter, no point in beating behind a non-existent bush.

"Spock, why?"

Spock for his part, was no longer looking either calm and indifferent or horrified, instead he looked pained again like he was fighting a great deal of emotions and in his Vulcan-ness had not a possible clue on how to handle the delicate matter.

'Well,' Kirk thought, 'Welcome to the club.'

There was a partial confusion clearly crossing Spock's face at Kirk's sarcastic thought, as if he could hear what Kirk was saying and was suitably flummoxed by the inanity of it. Considering the fact that he's a Vulcan and Kirk himself could sometimes able to still pick up on Spock's thoughts, it was possible. In a strange, twisted way it was amusing. Until Spock, in a similarly straight-forward style answered:

"That night, not only did I hurt you badly, I almost killed you, captain"

Kirk stared at Spock. The Vulcan's eyes were closed and his face was pinched, fists clenched at his sides. Spock's voice was a mockery of his usual calm because underneath the surface Kirk could feel the depths of grief and pain so acute and tangible Kirk was nearly overwhelmed by them. Kirk frowned. Did Spock solely blame himself for what had happened?

"Everything that had happened between us was not your fault alone, if there was even anyone's to begin with. I consented on our actions as well, you know this," Kirk replied staunchly because he felt that it's wrong for Spock to go on blaming himself this way when it was a decision made by the both of them together. Quietly he added, as he felt that it was important, "You have to trust me when I say that I don't blame you."

Spock shook his head and Kirk saw his body go extremely rigid with unnamed tension that coursed through it.

"I do trust you captain, and I know that you do not blame me. But you do not understand how close I was to murder," Spock said in a quiet voice laced with misery.

"What are you talking about? It's not as though you choose to hurt me," Kirk argued.

"But that is just it!" Spock said voice rising and echoing across the room and Kirk stared at him alarmed. Spock was not done. "It was the very fact that I am out of control, that I have no choice which made it even more dangerous!"

Kirk took a step forward and cringed when Spock moved away further, clearly distancing himself away.

"Did McCoy say something to you?"

Confusion was plain on Spock's face at the query until Kirk felt him cottoning on. "He had only spoken to me of things that I already knew," Spock said which addressed nothing to Kirk.

"Which was what, exactly?"

The shadow deepened on Spock's face and mind, piercing straight into Kirk's heart. He hated to ask, had wanted to avoid McCoy from being involved more than he already was, would have wanted to avoid it at all costs if necessary but there's no dodging the bullet now.

"That what happened puts a great stress and damage on your body and that your mind could be damaged as well and for the sake of your safety and mine that we should not continue what we were doing, and he was wise to say so," Spock said.

'No, Bones is so dead for saying so,' Kirk thought irritated. Once he was done with Spock, he and McCoy were going to have Words.

"Please do not blame the doctor regarding this," Spock intoned, "He was doing it out of concern for your well-being." As if Kirk did not know that.

God, he so wanted to rage very much and smash something brittle like the little glass paperweight on the desk but he gritted his teeth, stayed his tingling hands and reigned in his temper. He could do this, he told himself. He has to do this and both Spock and him ought to come out of it, unscathed, more or less.

"I shall decide that for myself," Kirk replied. "I know how Bones is like and I do respect him, he's my friend apart from the ship's medical officer. But he does possess the tendency to fret excessively in regards to me." He puts a hand out to stop Spock from arguing back. The Vulcan relented although he was clearly unhappy about it. Good. An argumentative Spock was much more preferable than the quiet miserable one.

"Did you and McCoy quarrel about this?"

Spock shook his head. He was being honest about it, Kirk could feel it. Well, Spock did say that he agreed with McCoy. Funny that these two could argue and disagree about anything and everything else in this whole wide universe and conveniently put aside all of that to come to an agreement about Kirk without his consent. Yes, Kirk had never found cosmic jokes to be very funny.

Kirk slumped onto the bed once more, feeling tiredness returning again, the flow of adrenalin growing stale in his system. Spock turned to him in wariness, concern in his eyes but Kirk shook his head. "Tired," he mouthed to Spock and he had to admit that something warm settled in his stomach at Spock's attention. Kirk scolded himself for the premature feeling. He gestured for Spock to be seated on his work-chair; he supposed inviting Spock to flop down the bed beside him would give the Vulcan aneurysm.

This was going nowhere fast. Spock was not offering anything willingly and Kirk was sick of interrogation that led to absolutely nowhere. They were wasting time and oxygen. There was only one way to settle this matter.

Spock's expression turned sharply even as Kirk thought it: the mind-meld.

"I refuse," Spock said, standing up abruptly. "No."

To be continued

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x Albukirky