Chapter 23: Red

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"I refuse," Spock not-quite yelled. "No!"

Spock was already standing, body poised and highly strung like a gazelle about to leap away from a predator.

Kirk hasn't even opened his mouth yet.

Awash with a sudden sadness, Kirk crumpled on the bed, head in his hands. So this was where it ends, he thought. Not with a bang but with a whimper.

The touch of insecurity increased and Kirk responded instinctively, forgetting for a moment of proprietary and the pertinent matter that he did not own – can never owned - Spock or own his immediate compliance, whether through rank nor personal attachment. The wiring between his mind and his emotion were apparently on a permanent disconnect and he found himself blurting out:

"You could have at least consulted me before trying to sever the bond," Kirk said, trying and failing miserably to keep the edge of disappointment from his tone.

Spock stared. "It would have been worse to not do so. As you can see, your current emotional state is the direct result of an incomplete bond."

"I don't need to be saved from anything Spock. Like I've told you multiple times already, whatever the risk was involved by us coming together I was a consenting party. Furthermore, I doubt that you were aware that the outcome would be what happened." Kirk argued. "Us sharing the same body was not your doing Spock, and neither is this."

Spock said nothing but there was a crack in the chain of armour. Kirk could feel it. He pressed forward not wanting to allow Spock to fall away again.

"It is not wise, captain."

"I'm an expert in no-win scenarios. I beg you remember that I don't give up too easily."

"Indeed."

A moment of silence in and then, the last chip was cast.

"Please, stay," Kirk said very gently. "Don't leave."

It was a command or a plea or a combination of both; a last ditch attempt. Conqueror of the no-win scenario or no Kirk could only hope this gamble will pay off.

Spock's face softened a fraction.

It took tremendous effort for Kirk to refrain from leaping up and wrapping himself around Spock but it was a very near thing.

And then, Spock's body seemed to shrink, not physically of course but in spirit. Dark eyes bore into Kirk's and there were a question in the gaze and something that alighted like quicksilver in the depths that was lost too soon before Kirk could figure it out.

"Is there a reason you are reluctant to go ahead with the mind-meld?" Kirk asked off-hand not expecting for Spock to provide an answer.

"There are two possible outcomes from it," Spock said without elaboration. He was looking uncomfortable with his hands rigid and fisted at his sides. "And I am uncertain which one is the preferable outcome."

"May I ask what they are?" Kirk said.

Spock's face held a trace of resignation. "I believe you can tell." And that answered absolutely nothing. Or maybe it did. Kirk was getting some impressions and he wanted to know more. He really did not want to do it without Spock's consent nevertheless as that won't bode well for the both of them he was fairly aware. So Kirk probed, searching through a weakened but essentially still existing link between Spock's mind and his and focus.

All in all, the impression he perceived from Spock was this: there was no actual reluctance and not even a speck of anger remained in the Vulcan, only a lingering sense of apprehension.

"I just wanted to protect you," Spock replied finally although there was no heat to it and Kirk knew that Spock was aware of it too.

"Please," he whispered gently, for the final time and Spock made no verbal reply but he came forward to where Kirk was sitting on the bed with a determined expression on his face.

Spock's long fingers were warm but trembling against his psi-points. Nothing happened for a moment as Spock seemed to fight for control over his shaking hands. Spock's eyes were snapped shut and a frown marred his usually smooth brow and this close their breathing mingled and synchronized. It didn't take long for Spock to still and Kirk felt the fingers tightened on his face.

Kirk gasped.

Without warning, the world tilted and colours seeped out from everywhere onto the floor like rainbow rivulets as the walls crumbled from all around him. Kirk watched as if from a distance, stupefied and fascinated. There was a burst of white light that blinded him and everything faded away.

He did not fall this time. But he was still alone a formless energy in this strange landscape in between minds as they converged. Or Kirk hoped so because one experience did not an expert make; as a matter of fact he had doubts on whether or not he would ever be able to fully understand Vulcan psyche. Heck, he didn't even truly understand Human psyche!

There was however a significant difference this time around, because without preamble (and there was still no sign of Spock) he was suddenly pulled or whatever sort of form his consciousness had taken form in this surreal landscape was pulled through a swirling and pulsating mass of green and purple – falling and continue to fall until suddenly the tunnel ended and he was delivered onto a familiar scene. He thought he would have been breathless with exhilaration if he was still in his physical body.

Needless to say, watching himself in the act of love with another person was a surreal experience.

He allowed himself a little smile. The happiness emanating from the vision was palpable and the room was warmth with the joining of two person in love. Kirk knew for sure now; Spock loved him. There was no denying it.

He saw what he otherwise would not have noticed because he recalled the immediate fatigue that overwhelmed him after they were done.

If there ever was a part of his life he would always remember with fondness, this was it. But the good feelings were not everlasting.

From out of nowhere there was a crash like a clap of thunder in the distance and the air seemed to be sucked out of the room and the atmosphere darkened and Kirk felt a constriction enveloping his entire being as he watched the scene turned from one of union to the feeling of sudden ominous foreboding.

He saw his body relaxed – felt it relaxed and then -

"Jim?"

In growing understanding, he watched Spock, in an uncharacteristic fearful voice shaking him when he failed to rouse before gathering his limp form in his arms and reaching with familiar trembling fingers to Kirk's temple.

"No!" he heard Spock croaked. "Jim, please. Spock's voice was choked. And Kirk watched in rising distress when he caught the glistening shine in Spock's eyes gathered and falls leaving glistening tracks on the pale face.

Oh Spock, he thought with compassion.

He saw Spock fumbled for the intercom by the bedside even as he clutched Kirk to him, refusing to let go and heard: "Sickbay!"

In a halting tone, he heard Spock relayed information to sickbay and seeking for assistance and his voice clearly broke at the end of the call and Kirk's heart was torn to pieces.

Spock was crying, rocking Kirk's body back and forth, clearly, falling apart. Oh God, Kirk thought and all because of him. Worse of all, perhaps, was hearing Spock's mental thoughts as he cradled Kirk in his arms: I hurt him. He's dying – I have to stop this – this connection with me is probably killing him what's with the shock of our body separation! Jim, do not surrender to the darkness T'hy'la. Please. Getting worse, I'm losing him. Jim, please. No, it's my fault, mine, I shouldn't…

And like an accursed prayer, the chant went on and on until suddenly Spock lets out a small cry of escalating distress…

NO! Jim please! Spock was mouthing frantically and with a shudder that Kirk felt even in this state, he realised with growing horror that his body was shutting down. His breathing had ceased and he was dying. Like a watching a space accident, his eyes were glued to the wreck. It felt strange to watch himself as he lay dying…

Spock tried to revive him as obviously emotionally incapacitated as he was. CPR. Tilt the head back, clear the airways and breath air into the victim's lungs…all the procedure, all performed correctly by Spock again and again. It was torture watching as Spock's shoulders and whole demeanour slumped even more as he was overwhelmed with stress and exhaustion and him being incapable to do anything about it. That this was a past event mattered not to Kirk. Spock needed to be comforted.

Spock, I didn't know it was so terrible. I'm sorry.

Just when Kirk could not stand it any longer the cabin door swung opened and the medic team hurried in, led by a grim-faced McCoy. McCoy's face was pinched with disgust for a second before he shove Spock aside to get to Kirk. Immediately, McCoy began shouting orders. All the while Spock stood frozen. eyes wide and pale-faced, watching with desperation in his eyes as the medic prepped.

Kirk knew that in his physical body he was weeping. The scene began to fade as little by little the vision was engulfed in swirling black smoke. Kirk gasped and reached out once for Spock and he thought he heard an answering echo.

Then came the darkness.

He wrenched away from Spock, eyes wide with shock and bright with tears already making trails down his face.

Spock looked at him, his own eyes painted with sad and pain. He looked so devastated and finally, finally, Kirk understood. With the understanding came overwhelming shame for his anger and for his less than grateful way he had treated Spock so far. Yes, he agreed to silent a part of his mind that adamantly insisted that he was free of blame from this. But, he conceded, safe and sure now after he received his revelation, that Spock was as blameless as much as he was in this.

"Do you understand how it feels like captain? For a moment I felt you die, in my mind. I felt you fade and I almost went mad with despair. I thought I killed you." Spock's voice wavered even more with the force of his internal torment.

"I felt you die and I was the cause of it."

Oh, yes. Kirk understood very well indeed, the painful pulse of losing someone you love and he wanted to take Spock into his arms and hold him tightly to be able to whisper reassurances in his ears that he was not at fault for what had happened again and again until Spock understood the same thing as Kirk did.

An epiphany struck Kirk then and it felt like the sun had finally risen to ward away the dark night. It was never going to be easy. For Spock and him and the type of lives they lived, easy was never an option. But he knew now that Spock did love him and Kirk loved him in return and he knew that they would be alright. Kirk was not as silly as to expect things to be smooth sailing, far from it actually, but they would make it work. He no longer harboured the idealism of perfection when it came to love. There was after all, no such thing.

And if - should Spock reject him, what had he got to lose?

Slowly and like a-man-on-a-mission, he made his way to Spock's side until he was standing face to face with the taller Vulcan. Close enough that one more step would bring him into kissing proximity. He saw Spock stiffened, that strong Vulcan body going rigid with tension and strain. Could feel the tangible churn in Spock's mind; understood that it was the after-effects from the mind-meld and everything that he have experienced thus far that he could understand Spock a bit more now.

"Tell me," he whispered to Spock, "tell me if you don't feel anything when I do this," he continued stepping up to Spock until their bodies were touching, chest to chest and breaths mingled together making the air between them warm and moist with aspiration. Kirk felt the burning heat of Spock's body, so and full of live and realised that his body responded to it in earnest. He tamped his own desire; this was not the time for anything more than gentle demonstration of love. Spock in this current state would push him away he knew, should he try anything bolder than what he already had rolling.

"Please Spock," he whispered directly into Spock's ear, making the tip turned a deeper shade of green. "If you truly do not want this then push me away and I will never bother you again."

"Jim," Spock's voice trembled and Kirk allowed his hands to cup Spock's face in a gentle cradle. He chanced a glance at Spock and saw the strange light in his eyes but no form of open rejection from him. Taking that as a permission Kirk breathed deeply and leaned forward.

Kirk kissed him.

He kissed Spock gently. Not rushed but soft and sweet like the caressed of his fingers upon Spock's face, pouring love and affection and opening himself; all his thoughts, his feelings and all essence of what he was (or thought he was) into it so that Spock could see him and feel him and understand him in return, if he had not already.

For a very long moment, Spock was still, so still both in body and mind that Kirk felt cracks opened in his heart which had begun to mend at the possibility of a possible reconciliation between them. But a promise was a promise and Kirk was many things but a liar was not one of them. Fighting the sadness that was rising from within him, he pulled away from the kiss and was about to step away from Spock when Spock came to life in front of him.

And it felt as if everything about him was glowing. Spock's arms came to encircle Kirk's waist preventing his movement.

In the next moment Spock returned the favour. His warm lips covered Kirk's

"Spock," he breathed, nearly moaned when that hot mouth started sucking on the soft flesh of his neck. He was falling again. And Kirk knew that he would always going to be in regards to Spock. Warmth pricked at the corner of his eyes.

"Catch me," he whispered voice still soft and gentle. Spock's breath hitched slightly, his eyes dark and arcane as they locked on Kirk's moist ones. Kirk buried his face on Spock's shoulder, allowing contentment and the feel of him wash over him. A sigh left him, as the maelstrom of emotions that had been raging within him for all these turbulent days quieted down at last until all he could feel was the shining presence of Spock. The warmth and strength of his arms around him, the beat of his heartbeat and the silent contentment and acceptance that shrouded them and linked them together.

A glowing thread formed and bound them as they embraced emanating from their fingertips and encompassing every part of them. Kirk watched in wonderment and a little confusion.

'Bond-thread,' he heard Spock's silky voice in his mind as if it was an obvious explanation and indeed it was, and Kirk's smile widened at the realisation of the significance of its existence. In body, soul and mind:

They were truly bonded now.

'Yes,' Spock's voice continued and Kirk could feel the amusement and joy in it even though Spock's face was calm. As a matter of fact, Spock looked content – happy – and Kirk knew that he was as joyful as Kirk felt inside. They needed no words and neither outward nor verbal need for a declaration of love. All was there in singing in the richness of the pulse of the bond-thread.

The bond-thread, the one that linked them to each other, was red in colour. Kirk almost laughed at the cliché, because it was always red, these things. Red like Human blood, like the colour of the setting suns of Earth and Vulcan, like the corny hearts on Valentine's Day cards he had once given and received when he was younger.

But he did not mind it, not at all.

To be continued

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x Albukirky