"Is everything ready Tetsuya?"
"Yes Seijuurou-kun."
"Shall we go then?"
"Yes, I guess…"
I'm not surprised that Tetsuya's still hesitating to come, but I can't risk staying here for too long especially with the way things are right now. I fear that the longer we stay here the more prone Tetsuya is in remembering his past. I just need to face father and then Tetsuya and I will go to America. I have the feeling he'll be there to introduced that girl to me personally, such a sly father indeed.
"Haruhiko, is the car ready?"
"Yes Akashi-sama."
"Akashi-sama, Kuroko-kun please be careful on your way. Here, I made a bentou eat this on your way, okay?"
"Yes Sana-san, thank you."
I guess Haruhiko didn't tell Sana about us going abroad after this. I know that I have to tell Tetsuya about the truth sooner or later, just not now…that's why Haruhiko please stop making that face.
"Let's go Tetsuya, we can't waste our time here."
"Thank you for the bentou Sana-san and to Takeda-san too, thank you. Please take care of yourselves."
"You too Kuroko-kun and please take care of Akashi-sama as well."
I was silent that whole time. I wanted to say 'I can take care of myself Sana, you don't need to worry about me' but with the way I'm acting right now, that's hardly believable. Even I'm worried for myself, making rash decisions without thinking ahead is not like me at all. Being concerned with what other people thinks about me isn't me…no…no…I was numb then, but with Tetsuya beside me now, I started becoming aware of my surrounding. Just like a bewildered child, I was drawn to the light…it illuminated throughout this darkness and gave me warmth; I don't want to go back to that dark and cold room anymore.
I never told this to anyone, but the truth is I'm afraid of the darkness. It reminded me of those days when I was waiting for mother to comeback, but she never came…I was stuck there, unable to move, but Tetsuya changed that…that's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid.
"Are you okay, Seijuurou-kun?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"You were quiet again, are you thinking about something?"
"I guess you could say that. Don't worry about it, why don't you lie down and sleep, it's a long drive."
"What about you? I can't leave you alone when you're making that face again."
"Me? What do you mean by making face?"
"Because you always tell me not to worry or it's fine but then make a worried face. I'm not dumb you know. If you have anything to say to me, you should just say it Seijuurou-kun."
I found you while I was driving home covered in blood, I saved you, found out that you're a teacher married to a man named Ryouta Kise, but I didn't tell you that and instead kept you and hid your ring, lied to you, cried in front you, drawn to your marble like eyes, smiled and laughed with you, mesmerized by you… fell in love you.
"You're quiet again Seijuurou-kun."
"I'm sorry Tetsuya."
"You should be, you make me nervous when you're quiet."
"No I…never mind."
"There you are again, saying something and not finishing it."
"Was I really that obvious?"
"Kind of. You can share your worries with me Seijuurou-kun, I'll listen to your problems, I'm here, so please don't keep thing to yourself. Am I really that unreliable?"
"No, of course not."
"What is it then?"
"I... just can't say it right now Tetsuya, please understand. I'll tell you when I'm ready, I promise."
"That's fine Seijuurou-kun, I'll be waiting then."
"You should lie down now, you need to get some sleep."
"If you don't mind, then I will. To be honest I didn't get enough sleep last night, I was a little nervous."
"I know, sleep tight this time Tetsuya, we still have a long way."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I pretended to sleep for a moment, but somehow the movement of the car got me and I started dozing off. I was half asleep and I think Seijuurou-kun noticed that so he turned on the radio which started playing this soft melody. I heard the words 'I love you' uttered very softly, almost like a whisper, and I don't know how to say this but somehow the voice sounded like Seijuurou-kun's, but I was dozing off, half asleep, trying to pay attention to that soft melody, and I was taken somewhere to an unfamiliar place.
I'm standing on a train, in a clear morning, wondering about this guy smiling in the opposite direction where I'm in. Someone's talking about a something that needs to be done today, and I casually replied 'that was due yesterday' and laughed. I looked around again, but this time I'm inside a plane crying while people were clapping and cheering. That guy's here again with the same idiotic grin, but this time he sounds like he's crying. All the faces are blurry, but I could tell that he was crying or more or less knew that he was crying.
'Would you be willing to spend more days with me and create more memories with me?' was something he asked with a blissful tone, as if he already knew what my response was going to be.
"Hey get up! It's your first day at work. I'm so excited."
"Five more minutes please…"
"No, get up now. Come on."
This dream again…I dreamed of this dream so many times but the way he smiled after making me up and the kiss in the forehead was something I never got used to. It scared me a little whenever I would dream of this dream, but at the same time I longed for it to come.
"Tetsuya"
I could hear someone calling my name over and over again, but someone's telling me not to go 'comeback' was what he said. Comeback.
"TETSUYA!"
I was panting heavily and realized that there were tears in my eyes.
"Are you okay Tetsuya? You were crying…I had to wake you up."
"How long was I asleep Seijuurou-kun?"
"You were sleeping for hours…now why were you crying?"
"I just had dream, it all happen so quickly I thought I was only asleep for a few minutes."
"A dream?"
"Yes. I dreamed that I was on train and then I was on plane and then I was at a house, and…"
"And?"
"It's nothing important Seijuurou-kun."
"No, I want to know."
"There's always this guy smiling at me, on the train, on the plane, even in the house. He's always there smiling at me."
"Is that why you were crying?"
"No…I don't know."
"There's a stop about 4 miles from here, why don't we stop there for a while and eat. You're probably just hungry so you're having these weird dreams."
"Your right, plus I am little hungry…sorry for making you worry Seijuurou-kun."
Normally Seijuurou-kun would say 'Don't worry' or 'It's fine' but this time he was silent. He just simply grabbed one of my hands, held it tight, and then kissed it.
"Dreams are just dreams Tetsuya, don't think about it too much."
"I know Seijuurou-kun, I'm sorry."
"No, don't apologize… I'm just afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Of you leaving me when you get your memory back. I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want go back to that dark and cold room again."
"Dark and cold room?"
"You're my light Tetsuya."
I wanted to ask more but Seijuurou-kun was making a pained face, so I stayed silent. But it made me think about his question, what if remembered my past. Of course I'd want to go back to my family, tell them I'm okay, and that I miss them, and apologized for making them worry. And then just leave Seijuurou-kun? No…no…I can't do that. Seijuurou-kun is also important to me, I can't just leave him…I don't want to leave him. So I gripped his hand back.
"I won't leave you Seijuurou-kun. I'll always be here for you, I promise."
He was silent but I could feel his hand gripped my mine very tightly…and it made feel guilty because I promised something while feeling confused. I don't know the extent to which I want to stay nor know the extent to my desire to comeback…I don't know what I want, but I feel guilty…I feel guilty whenever I would dream of that smile and I feel guilty whenever I tell Seijuurou-kun that 'it's fine I'll always be here for you'. It's eating me up.
"I know that I've told you this, probably for a thousandth time, but thank you Tetsuya."
It's eating me up, but the way his eyes glimmered along with his bright smile made me forget everything…just for now, I want to engrave that image in my mind. I'm sorry.