"Where are you taking me Ryouta-kun? I know you're not taking me to Oka-sama."
"Sharp as always Tetsucchi. I'll tell you once you get inside the car."
"I'm not an idiot Ryouta-kun."
So stubborn Tetsucchi. You're always like this but then again, that might have been one of the reason I fell in love with you.
"I'll explain everything once you get inside. I promise."
See you're looking so transparent again. Always so forgiving and understanding. Just hate me already so I could finally let go of this delusion. That it's still fine between us, that everything is going back to the way it was before, that the two of us still have a chance. Despise me to the bottom of your heart my love; I don't want to end up hurting you again.
"I'm not joking around Ryouta-kun."
"I'm not either."
You know I'm lying right? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT!? Just hate me already I'm begging you.
"Fine b-"
"Ha…haha…hahaha. Seriously Tetsucchi? How much of a fool can you make yourself into? Just shut up already!"
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why are you always willingly giving me chances, it's frustrating. This endless cycle we're in, when will it stop?
"Why are you so kind Tetsucchi? Your kindness only hurts me. Why can't you just say you hate me?"
"Ryouta-kun…"
"Even now I know you're still trying to understand me. Living separately from me, telling me it's over between us yet at the spur of the moment you come to me, and your reason 'I was just worried about you Ryouta-kun'?"
"Of course I was! It's not easy to forget the years that we've spent together. Even if we always argued or if I was hurt…"
"No! you…you don't understand. I know that I've hurt you and I understood why you wanted to be away from me. I agreed to it because I was afraid of what I'll do to you next. I didn't want to hurt you so I stayed here quietly. I love you."
"I… did too."
"And telling me you were worried about me just gives me hope. How can you be so cruel Tetsucchi? Handing me those papers and still looks at me with care. You don't understand-"
"Then why did you that? Why did you held me forcefully? Why won't you listen to me?"
"You're always so kind to everyone Tetsucchi. I was afraid you'd realize that compared to them, I am nothing. You were mine Tetsucchi, mine and mine alone. I was afraid that other people might take you away from me. You're always so unguarded, you're not even aware of how other people look at you, that co-worker of yours, Ogiwara, even that guy who saved you."
"You mean Seijuurou-kun?"
"Yes, it's obvious that he's in love with you. When I realized that you had an amnesia I took advantage of it and took you away from him, but it was unbearable. You're always 'where is Seijuurou-kun' or 'what happen to Seijuurou-kun'. How can you speak so fondly of him in front of me? Did you even love me at all?
You were the one who filled the nothingness inside me. You've become a huge part of my life. But you were so kind to everyone, what if they fall for you and take you away from me? I can't have that. I can't live without you. I love you but I don't want to hurt you as well. Seeing your frightened face and the bruised I've inflected on you made feel guilty. I asked myself over and over and again 'did I really do this to him?'
"Of course I did. I wanted us to work too. I loved you too, I wouldn't have married you if I didn't. I just couldn't let go of our past, the memories, the feelings, I couldn't let go of the first person I ever loved."
"See there you are again Tetsucchi…look… I'm moving to San Francisco, in America. If you come with me I promise we'll start a new life there. We'll make lots and lots of memories together and I promise I won't hurt you again. I'll learn how to control my emotions, I'll do anything you want, please come with me?"
"I can't, but-"
"But what? You'll call me? Mail me? Ask me how I'm doing? I don't want your half assed feelings Tetsucchi. It's just a yes or no question.
With this I can finally let you go.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"Hah…hah…flight to…hah..San Francisco…hah…when is it leaving?"
"There's one about to leave in an hour, Sir."
It's feels like time is mocking me.
"What gate is it in?"
And right there I heard the voice I didn't want to hear. It was a voice that was unfamiliar yet I know. It was the voice that fumes my sinister desire. I had lost to this man once, I said to myself, and now he's here again to mock me. I'm afraid to see them because them being here means it's my lost, it means that he has chose him. But when I had opened my eyes to see, he wasn't there.
"Tetsucchi isn't here, if that's why you're here."
"You bas-"
"I let him go already," he said before I could finish. I don't understand.
"Remember this Seijuurou Akashi; you can never replace me in Tetsucchi's heart. That's all."
Admitting defeat right before declaring another war, I see.
"I know I can't replace you, so I'll just have to push you out, simple as that."
"That's pretty confident for a shameless guy like you."
"You're one to talk Ryouta Kise."
Strangely this man, who loves Tetsuya more than his life, is giving up. I didn't understand at first but I get it now, I understand his intentions pretty clearly. I too wanted to give up, that was the initial plan. To make sure Tetsuya is happy and let him go, as long as he's smiling then everything is fine. We both want his happiness. We both cherish those smiles and laughter. I understand now.
"You didn't make him cry, did you?
"I sure hope he's crying for me, I'd be the happiest person in the world if that were to happen…and one more thing before I leave."
"What is it?"
"I'll come back for him, so don't rejoice. You have not won the game yet."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"I can't go with you Ryouta-kun. I'm sorry."
"The drawer, right next to our bed, open it and inside you'll see an envelope. That's my parting gift for you. Don't worry, you don't need to say anything at all. I already knew your answer when I asked that question."
"Will you b-'
"No Tetsucchi, you can't ask any question. I don't want to hear them at all."
"Then thank you should be fine right? …Thank you!"
"Argh Tetsucchi, do you really want me to take you by force again."
He left after that saying 'I'd better go before I do something hateful again'. He smiled to me then but I could see the water staring to pile up on his eyes. Hateful he said? I wouldn't necessarily say that. He said it as if I detested him, which is not the case at all. It was more like I started disliking the way he was turning out to be or I guess it's more accurate to say I couldn't accept it. But even then I still loved him, I couldn't leave him, I worried for him, and I hated that…I hated the fact that my idiotic self still cared for a man like him. It became a war between moral and emotion. He must've felt the same too, except he's more emotionally driven than me. Nevertheless, the inevitable will still happen. But I forgive him, I forgive you Ryouta-kun, please forgive me as well.
The envelope he left contained our divorce papers he signed the day I left for the seminar. He signed it that day so long ago, so he was planning this all along. What were you thinking Ryouta-kun? Taking me back by force, letting me see your bad side again, what were you trying to accomplish? You're telling me to hate you and yet at the same time you're doing something like this.
I called Oka-sama after that. She cried, of course, and most of the words she spouted were unrecognizable but she sounded so happy, so I just laughed it all off.
"I'll come there right now."
"No Oka-sama its fine. I'll come there tomorrow."
"Oh, what do you want then? I'll cook all your favorite food for you. What time are you coming?"
"Around lunch and Oka-sama, please tell Oba-sama I'm fine, she was must've been worried too."
"Okay, I'll tell her tomorrow since she's sleeping now. What about Ryouta-kun, what should I cook for him?"
"About that Oka-sama, he's not coming with me…I'll explain everything when I get there tomorrow, if that's okay."
"Of course, don't force yourself to talk right now Tetsuya. I'll wait until you're ready. Go to sleep now and have some rest, Oka-sama and I will wait for you here."
"Thank you Oka-sama, you too and please don't overwork yourself tomorrow."
I'll apologize first for making them worry, then tell them about the accident, about Sana-san, Takeda-san and Seijuurou-kun, then about the divorce and Ryouta-kun, or should it be the other way around? I wonder, what is the best way to tell her everything without making her cry? That's almost impossible though, she cries for pretty much everything that involves me. She cried when I first went to school, she cried that time I first brought a friend home, she cried when I told her I got married, I'm guessing she cried too when I went missing, and she's probably crying right now too. Nevertheless, like any mother would do, she hugs me afterwards and smile which feels very reassuring.
*ring ring ring* *ring ring ring*
"hmmmm, Yes, yes, I'm coming."
What time is it? Four o'clock. Who's calling at this hour? Oka-sama?
"Oka-sama? It's four in the morning; you should take a rest now. I promise I'm coming today."
Did she stayed up all night worrying again. I should've came in there last night. I just couldn't bring myself to come when my mind is wandering here and there. I'll just end up confusing them with my story if I'm like this.
"No, it's not about that…how do I say this?"
"I'll eat anything you cook Oka-sama, don't stress out yourself figuring out meals to cook."
"No, well…there's a man here who wants to see you. He came in knocking so loud even your Oba-sama woke up from it."
"Tetsuya!"
"Seijuurou-kun?"
"Ah, so you know him?"
"Yes, Oka-sama. Can you please let me talk to him?"
"Tetsuya, where are you?"
"Shouldn't I be asking that, why are you there? How did you even know my mother's address?"
"This was the address on your high school records. I figured you'd come here to your mother by now."
"Wait for me there; I'll come there right now. Tell Oka-sama I'm coming."
I have no idea what's going on. First Ryouta-kun then Seijuurou-kun too, I have no idea what those two are thinking. Good thing Oka-sama's house is only two hours away from here.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"Uhm…would you like some coffee or tea?"
"It's fine, I'll wait for Tetsuya. Thank you again for letting me in. I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Seijuurou Akashi. I'm a friend of Tetsuya. I was the one who found him when he got into that accident."
"Oh my…Thank you so much! Really, thank you so much! Oh this is great, are you sure you don't want anything just tell me."
"It's really fine."
Oh no she's crying…I made her cry…I made Tetsuya's mother cry. He's going to hate me for this and he already hates me as it is.
"I…er…uhm…Tetsuya when I found him, he was really weak but he had a strong will to recover and got better. I believe that's because she wanted to see you guys as soon as possible because he loves you guys."
What the hell am I saying? I sound like an idiot. Should I tell he got amnesia too or that I'm the reason why he didn't come back as soon as he can?
"Uhm…"
How do I start?
"Er…"
Breathe in and breathe out. Breathe in and breathe out.
"I'm sorry! I apologize for what I did. I was selfish, please forgive me!"
"Oh no It's fine, plus it's nice to wake up early for once. And again, really, thank you for saving my son."
"No, thank you. Thank you for giving birth to him."
Uh huh, I, Seijuurou Akashi, sounded like a complete idiot. I'm making a fool out of myself. Thank you for giving birth to him? Seriously? Well…I guess she'll understand what I mean soon enough.
"Why don't you wait here for Tetsuya while I cook breakfast."
"Yes, thank you for your kindness."
*knock knock knock*
He's here!
His mother ran as fast she could at the front door. She seemed a lot more excited than I am. And I feel like a weird smile is about to break out off my face.
"Oka-sama I'm home."
"Tetsuya! You're here, you've made me so worried. You're back, safe and sound, oh thank god."
"I'm glad to be back here too Oka-sama. There was no traffic so I got here quickly. Where's Oba-sama?"
"She went back to sleep. Let me just finish cooking. Why don't you go talk to your friend for now, then we'll talk…and welcome home Tetsuya."
Mother's are amazing just one smile and they relieved you of all the problems you carry. Tetsuya's lucky to have her as a mother.
"Seijuurou-kun, what are you doing here?"
"I came here to see you of course. I heard about his transfer overseas, I definitely thought that he'd take you with him."
"Did you tell that to Oka-sama?"
"No, I only told her about how I found you but I didn't tell her about the amnesia."
"Thank you, I'll tell her that. She must have cried in front of you, I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine really. I was actually a bit jealous, your mother really cares about you."
"Yes, I'm a very lucky person to have her as a mother."
"I'll go now. I know you don't want to see at all. I just came here to see if you were okay, and you are!"
"No Seijuurou-kun, please stay. About what happen at the hotel, I forgive you. At that time you look really pained and you stop before you could actually hurt me. It looked more as if you were more in pain than I am."
"You're too kind you know that Tetsuya. I might unconsciously take advantage of that if you're always so forgiving."
"I know, you don't have to say the same thing Ryouta-kun says."
"Then does that mean I can take advantage of it."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"You two come and eat now!"
"We'll be there Oka-sama."
"Tetsuya, you should be aware of how I really feel about you right?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so, but I can't respond to that right now. I hope you understand."
"I know, but I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready to respond to my feelings. I don't care how long, I'll wait. That's how much I love you Tetsuya."
"You didn't have to say it like that Seijuurou-kun."
"Like what?"
"You sounded sort of gentle, I guess."
"Well I do want you to fall in love me, so of course."
*chu*
"Seijuurou-kun!"
"You two the food is getting cold, come on now."
"Can I call her Oka-sama too?"
"You're pretty shameless Seijuurou-kun."
Even if I have to wait long, if what I'll get is this happiness then I'll wait. For a guy who has spent most of his time ignoring people and his surroundings, a slight chance like this is something I won't let go.
"If being shameless is the only way for you to notice me, I'm fine being one."
Thank you
"You're hopeless Seijuurou-kun."
"Yes, very much so I believe."
Really, for allowing me to see that sweet smile of yours once again.