Chapter 9: Don't forget, because I can't remember

The days that followed blurred together, the unchanging atmosphere making it hard to assign events to specific days. Time borders merged together like the colors of a painting left in the rain. That was the effect of chaos on the timeline.

Even Noel felt it. Though it seemed he'd only just started leaving the house, he couldn't keep track of how many days had passed. Was it a week since Serah had appeared to him? Two weeks? Two years? It bothered him that he didn't know. He had grown accustomed to the routine: waking up, eating breakfast with Hope, and leaving the house. Sometimes he'd visit Mog at the hospital with Serah and other times he'd join Snow on his "scouting missions" to search for the ever elusive Fal'Cie. But, more often than not, he'd pick a random neighborhood in Academia and start cleaning.

At first, he'd been ridiculed. People scoffed at him as he swept the streets, washed windows, and painted fences. Some people would even leave the comfort of their homes to admonish him, telling him that he was risking contracting Chaos Disorder for such meaningless tasks. With a smile, he'd politely inform them to mind their own business or grab a paintbrush or a broom – after all, the world wasn't going to fix itself.

He'd made up his mind after the meeting at Academy HQ. Snow had hit the nail on the head when he'd pointed out that "order" can only be harnessed by organization and hard work. As much as Noel wanted to hate that man for his hot-headed attitude, he'd had a point. Besides, at the end of the day, it felt good to be working towards something.

Slowly, the citizens of Academia became inspired by his efforts. Taking his lead, each day there were more people lending a hand in repairing the city. With more people, their progress accelerated, enough that Noel had found himself amazed at how far they'd come. And it wasn't just the city that was being rebuilt, but the trust and the camaraderie of the people who lived there. Neighbors started greeting each other and asking about their families. Noisy children gathered in the parks to play. When Noel left the house, he'd find a group of volunteers waiting outside his door, asking if they could help him with anything that day. All they had needed was one crazy man to set an example.

But really, how crazy could he be?

Noel often wondered why he hadn't been affected by the infamous "Chaos Disorder". Hadn't it been an epidemic? Was his previous paranoia unfounded? Though his memories were vague, he'd been sure that going outside was synonymous with going insane. That, after even the shortest bursts, the chaos energy that swirled above the city would infect his psyche and gradually pull him away from reality.

Sure, Hope had been telling him that lately the chaos energy levels had stopped rising. And sure, Dr. Desouki had mentioned that even those affected by the Disorder were spontaneously regaining consciousness. Even that prickling he used to feel at the back of his neck had subsided. All signs pointed to the end of… well "the end". It was as if optimism was a spell that was cast over the entire population. But Noel wasn't so easily placated.

If things were getting better, then why was the sky still overcast with shadows? If the world were so easily fixed by doing a few chores, then why didn't Etro's Shrine disappear? Or Serendipity Casino? Moreover, if it were any indication, wouldn't the timeline feel less muddled if it were on the mend?

And then there was Serah.

"Noel, stop staring into space!" the woman in question warned. "If you don't finish your lunch, it may get eaten by the 'chaos fairy'!"

Yeah, she'd called herself that.

Noel hastily finished his meal, knowing she didn't make idle threats. He didn't know if ghosts were supposed to eat human food, but if they weren't Serah had missed that lesson in Spirit Academy.

In fact, Serah didn't act like any ghost that Noel had ever heard of. So maybe "chaos fairy" wasn't completely inaccurate.

"It really looks different, now," Serah said, indicating the paint job they'd just finished on the hospital. It was amazing what a few coats of sky blue paint could do to liven up the neighborhood.

"Yeah, at least the city doesn't look as gloomy as it did."

Noel chanced a sidelong glance at Serah. Despite the satisfaction that their progress had given him, his heart remained troubled with the worry that she'd disappear as soon as they were finished.

"But we still have a long way to go," he added hastily. "I mean, we haven't even figured out how to bring Lighting out of crystal stasis."

"About that…" Serah began, scuffing her feet. "I don't think we should bother her."

"What do you mean? Don't you want Lightning to come back? Wasn't that part of your wish?"

Serah shook her head. "Lightning… made me a promise. When I died, she promised to never forget me. It was what I wanted at the time but now…" her gaze shifted away, in the direction of Etro's Shrine, though only its spiral antenna was visible from where they sat.

"Although she's not dead, she isn't alive either. She chose to enter crystal stasis for me. Before that, she became l'Cie and faced the Fal'Cie to save me. Earlier still, she gave up going to college and entered the Guardian Corps to provide for me when our parents died. Everything she does is for me!

"What good would it be for me to wish that she return? It would just be another selfish request from her annoying sister! It wouldn't be fair!"

"What are you saying, Serah?" Noel admonished. "Lightning loved you. Scratch that, she still loves you. Of course she does!"

We all do, he thought desperately. I do.

"I just want her to be at peace. I want her to forget about me! I've been nothing but trouble for her my whole life!"

"What about you? What about what you want?"

Why did you come back? Isn't it usually unfinished business? If not Lightning, or the timeline, then what is it? Noel speculated bitterly. Could it be that stupid wedding?

"Can you stop thinking about everyone else's feelings for one second?" he shouted.

It hurts, knowing that she would always choose him.

"Huh?"

"No wonder you can't remember your wish! I doubt you'd be aware of your own feelings long enough to make one!"

Of course she never saw me that way. We were only battle partners.

"Noel what are you saying?"

"I'm asking you to think about what you want, for a change!"

"I don't know…"

"That's what I thought," he said, turning to walk away.

"Noel!" Serah grabbed at his sleeve, but he shrugged her hand off.

"Come find me when you've made up your mind."

What was that? Noel agonized, as he climbed the last step to Etro's Shrine. What am I doing?

Do I even want to grant her wish, if that means she'll have to leave?

"Ah, Noel!" called a voice from within the temple.

Noel turned the corner to find Hope standing next to Lightning's statue, with a curious wand-like device in his hands.

"Perfect, just the man I wanted to see!" Hope waved him over enthusiastically.

Hope's happy attitude helped Noel put aside his worries for a moment. He jogged over to his friend.

"What's up?"

Hope handed him the device. "Here, check it out," he said proudly. However, his good mood deflated slightly when he saw Noel's dull expression. "It's a chaos detector. C'mon, I've shown it to you before!"

"Sorry," Noel whispered, feeling a bit sheepish that he hadn't been paying attention to his best friend's work.

"Well, in any case, this little gadget can detect chaos energy. But here's the interesting bit," he added, pulling Noel's hand along to wave the thing just above Lightning's crystal statue. The device emitted a few short beeps and then flashed a green light.

"Um… what does that mean?" Noel asked when Hope gave him an excited smile.

"It means: Light's chaos energy is decreasing!"

"…"

"Yay?"

Hope took the wand away and shook his head, exasperated.

"Yes, 'yay'. I think it means that Lightning is coming back, somehow. Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about: regarding Serah's wish, I think if we…"

"Wait, Hope," Noel interrupted. "Serah doesn't want to wake Lightning anymore."

"What?!" Hope rounded on Noel. "What do you mean she doesn't want her to wake up?"

Noel edged away from his angry green eyes. "Well, today we were talking about her wish, and she said that she doesn't want to bother Lightning any more than she already has."

Hope stared at him a moment before tossing the chaos detector to the ground. The sound of breaking plastic made Noel flinch.

"Great. So after all this work, you want us just to give up on her?" Hope asked through gritted teeth.

He didn't give Noel the time to answer.

"Well, forget it! I won't!" he shouted, moving closer to the crystal in question. "I can't!"

It wasn't like Hope to lose his temper so quickly. Noel didn't know what to say. All of a sudden, Hope's devotion to the throne of Etro made sense.

How long has he been in love with Lightning? he wondered, amazed.

Then it dawned on him how little he knew about his best friend and roommate. After Serah died, he'd moved in to Hope's house, but they never really talked about anything important. He'd been too preoccupied with his own grief to even get to know the first thing about Hope. Shame and guilt over his selfish attitude settled in the pit of his stomach. Thinking back to everything Hope had done for him, without asking anything in return, made him feel like the worst human being in the world.

"You can't just decide this on your own, you know!" Hope was saying.

"Hope, I'm sorry if I…"

"No," the other man interrupted. "Enough. If you don't want to help, then just go away."

Why does this feel so familiar?

Noel bent down and picked up the chaos detector.

Those words were too close to what he'd said to Serah. They were all pushing each other away. He knew that if he left now, things would go back to the way they were before, with him and Hope living like strangers in a hotel rather than friends. But he didn't want to go backwards. Not after he'd glimpsed what it's like to work together and open up to one another. He didn't want to lose Hope as a friend, so he decided it was time to start acting like one himself.

"Hope," he said carefully, "I'm not saying we shouldn't try to bring Lightning back. It's just that Serah was feeling guilty about being the reason her sister never had much of a life of her own." Noel looked over to see if he was getting through to Hope. Though his arms were crossed over his chest, it was obvious that he was listening.

"I don't agree with her, though. Lightning always had a choice. And, after all that she did trying to save this world, I think it's only right that we try to save her in return."

Looking behind him to the crystal form of the woman he loved, Hope sighed.

"Thanks, Noel."

"Now, what was it that you wanted me to help you with?"

Hours later, Noel trudged home on weary legs, eagerly anticipating the comfort of his soft bed. He'd spent the rest of the day cleaning the crystal throne room of Etro's Shrine with Hope. Being a perfectionist, the Director hadn't allowed him to take a single break since lunchtime. Even now, Hope remained behind, though Noel was sure it was nearly morning. Without the sun, it was hard to make his case, especially against a workaholic like his friend.

No spirit greeted him upon entering the house, but he was too exhausted to care.

His heavy feet had only one destination: bed. The sooner, the better.

Serah found herself in New Bodhum. Though she felt like she was walking normally, there was no way a human being could travel that much distance so quickly on foot. Still, she didn't feel like she had the ability to fly or teleport; it was more like she was drawn to places that meant something to her. The town had been her home for three years. It was the first home she and Snow had lived in together. She'd started her first job here. There was a lot of emotion attached to New Bodhum and as a result, so too was her soul.

She wandered over to the old school house that was nestled in the cliff just behind NORA house. It worried her that time and chaos would have ravaged the one-room school and that it wouldn't look the same as she remembered. Back in her teaching days, there had been bookshelves filled with children's stories and the drawings of her students had been proudly displayed on the walls. Her hesitant footsteps continued forward in trepidation, as though she hadn't fully decided if she wanted to see inside or not.

As she drew closer, she heard voices coming from the schoolhouse. Her heart fluttered with the excitement of finding children studying happily within. Her pace quickened unconsciously. It was hard to remind herself that anyone could have taken advantage of the small building for their own purposes. A mix of hope and fear twisted in her heart as she turned the doorknob.

A happy giggle greeted her, echoing in the small room. To her surprise, she recognized the child instantly.

It was Dajh.

"Daddy, you're doing it all wrong!" the young boy was scolding. "You have to bend the corners IN first, before you flip it over!"

Sazh was obviously getting flustered with the craft they were making.

"Dajh, I'm going to leave you in charge of the origami, okay?" he said, dropping the paper on the table a little forcefully. "I'll just make the posters." To himself, he added, "I don't even know why we're making birds in the first place."

Serah was overwhelmed with pride as she witnessed Dajh confidently fold another paper crane. She'd been the one to teach him how, all those years ago. It touched her to see that what she'd taught him hadn't been forgotten.

"Dajh, this one is so pretty!" Serah cooed, walking over and picking up one of the cranes.

Dajh stopped what he was doing to stare at the paper bird. By Serah's hand, the bird was floating above the table. Dajh tugged on his dad's sleeve.

"Right, Dajh, I know," Sazh chuckled, "I'll admit it: you're better at origami, okay? Now please just let me get some work d…." he trailed off as his eyes picked up what held Dajh's attention.

Realizing what she'd done, Serah gasped with pleasure. Because no one but Noel could see her, she hadn't expected to be able to communicate with anyone else. Her fingers trembled with excitement. Finally she had a way to interact with her friends!

Serah quickly put her origami skills to the test. To their amazement, she folded a paper lily and then a hummingbird. The speed and precision were impressive, but the effect was more than doubled when it was done without having any hands to speak of.

"Miss Farron?" Dajh questioned, upon recognizing his teacher's favorite patterns.

The hummingbird dipped his head in acknowledgement.

Sazh's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Serah!" he cried, reaching forward with large outstretched hands.

It was heartbreakingly comical that, with all his grasping at the air, his fingertips missed her by inches. His eyes flicked wildly around the room. Dajh's eyes were focused squarely on the bird, as if it was an embodiment of the spirit of his former teacher.

"Dad, she's right here," he said, pointing to the bird.

"Serah, can you hear me right now?" he asked slowly. "If you can, nod once."

The hummingbird nodded. Dajh petted the bird lightly on the beak.

"Miss Farron, do you like my origami?" he asked eagerly, searching the table top for his paper cranes. He 'flew' one of them over to hover next to the hummingbird.

Meanwhile, Sazh was beside himself with awe.

"I knew Noel was telling the truth!" he cheered. "Oh Serah, we've all missed you so much. I really wish I could see you!"

"Sazh!" she replied happily. "I've missed you too! And Dajh!"

However, her words didn't reach him.

With sudden inspiration, she reached for one of the pens on the table. Why hadn't she thought of this before? Impatiently, she scribbled on the poster paper to encourage the ink to flow, but for some reason it wasn't working. Sazh watched with interest.

"Here," he said, handing over the pen he'd been using. "Use this one."

Again, she tried to write a message, but the pen made no mark.

As he watched, Sazh was saying, "I've been thinking a lot about your wish lately, Serah. I really want to help your soul move on to the next life."

No matter what she tried, the pen would not write. She let it fall to the table in frustration.

Surprised, Sazh picked it up and scribbled on the page. As if taunting her, the black ink smudged the page darkly.

Though she could still move things, such as the paper bird in her hand, it wasn't long before she recognized the limitations of being able to only convey "yes" and "no" answers. There were so many things she wanted to ask Sazh about the world they lived in. She wanted to thank him for being such a good friend to Noel. There was also Dajh, with whom she sorely wanted to have a proper conversation. Though his body still looked the same as he had when she was his teacher, his mind was older, and she was fascinated by how different and mature he sounded. However, no matter what she said or how loud she said it, they didn't seem to hear her.

"If you could just give me a sign about your wish - any sign at all - I'll do everything I can to make it come true."

I don't know, she thought dismally.

Again, Serah was struck with how little she knew about her own existence. Why was she back? Why could only Noel see and hear her? It was infuriating that she couldn't recall anything between her death and visiting Noel five years later. As much as she tried to rack her brain, she couldn't remember her wish.

"Please, Miss Farron," Dajh pleaded with puppy-dog eyes. "I wanna help you get to heaven, too."

The sincerity of his plea was too much. Tears welled in her eyes. All her friends were trying to help her find peace. Why did that make her heart even more troubled? The more kindness they showed her, the less she wanted to leave them.

It wasn't fair. She didn't want to go anywhere. What if she never got to see Dajh again? To not be able to see him grow up… To never see Sazh again, or Snow, or Hope… or Noel… The tears began to stream down her face.

"Just tell us what you need. Please, Serah."

"I don't know!" she cried, letting the hummingbird fall with her arms to her side. I wish I did, but I just... don't.

Sazh's eyes followed the bird as it dipped below the table. He took a deep breath, as if to calm his enthusiasm. Having a chance to talk to her was incredible, a miracle that he'd never even dreamed of happening. There was so much he wanted to say to her, and he knew this could be his only chance. However, there were also some difficult words that he knew he had to say to Serah without Noel in the room.

"Maybe you haven't noticed this, Serah," Sazh added quietly, "but it's been really hard for Noel to let you go. I understand why you'd want to help, but I don't think your being here is good for him."

His words were like a fist that closed over her heart and squeezed.

As much as she wanted to deny it, her reappearance was probably only making it harder for Noel to deal with her death. She hadn't wanted to cause him any more pain. It was her own selfishness that drove her to see her former battle partner. She'd just wanted to be with him again, but now it was obvious that the only way she could help him move on was by staying away. Everyone would be better off if she'd just stay dead, rather than coming back and evoking such complicated feelings.

Why does it have to end this way? she lamented, wiping her eyes.

Lifting one wing of the hummingbird, she waved at Dajh and Sazh.

"Goodbye," she whispered in a tear-choked voice. "I'll always remember you!"

The hummingbird flapped its wings and flew towards the open door.

"Wait!" Sazh shouted extending a hand toward fleeing spirit creature.

"I don't know if this is your wish or not, but we've been working hard to bring back the Bodhum Fireworks Festival for you!" he said, lifting up the poster he'd been making. "It's tomorrow night, here on the beach. Please promise you'll be there!"

Her sunken heart lifted from the depths of despair enough to raise one wing again in a salute.

Tomorrow, then.

After tomorrow, whether she disappeared or not, she'd leave them all alone.