Chapter 10: Fireworks

Noel awoke from a rather deep and confusing dream. He'd been back on the airship in 500 AF watching Bhunivelze being launched into the air. Like before, Serah had been standing right beside him. He thought of something to say to her, but when he turned his head, she was gone.

"Serah?" he'd called, his eyes scanning the ship worriedly. "Where'd you go?"

"I didn't want to bother you anymore," whispered her voice in his ear.

When he turned in that direction, there was nothing but air.

"Serah?!" he shouted, starting to panic.

Suddenly, an eerie noise brought his attention back to Bhunivelze. A sharp crunching sound like breaking glass filled his ears as he watched the new world crystallize – and fall.

"It's better this way…"

"Better for whom?" he argued.

It's too soon! I'm not ready yet!

"I'm not ready to say goodbye!"

Then the airship disappeared from beneath him and the horizon darkened with purple clouds. The last thing he remembered was falling through the sky while paper cranes pecked at his face and hands.

Sazh stopped by that morning. He and Hope had a casual discussion about Serah at the kitchen table. Since Noel had gone to bed only a few hours ago, Hope chose not to wake him.

"So there we were, making posters for the Fireworks Festival, when one of Dajh's paper cranes started floating above the table."

"And you think Serah was responsible?" Hope asked, reminded of when he found Serah's necklace in his briefcase.

"I'm telling you it was her. There's no doubt in my mind. That girl is still here."

"But why can only Noel see or hear her?" wondered the scientist in Hope. The evidence suggested that she was trying to communicate with all of them but, for some inexplicable reason, the Pulsian was the only one she got through to.

"…" Sazh looked around the kitchen, making sure the coast was clear.

"Don't worry," Hope assured, "He won't be up for another hour or so. I worked him hard last night."

Noel stopped abruptly on the landing of the staircase. He' d been on his way down to the kitchen to get some water, but now curiosity held him in place. What didn't Sazh want him to hear?

"What were you two doing?"

"Cleaning," Hope responded swiftly. "Stop avoiding the question. Why do you think Noel is the only one who can see her?"

"Well…" Sazh hesitated, placing his hand behind his head awkwardly. "I think Serah came back for him."

Hidden around the corner, Noel leaned heavily against the wall, tilting back his head so that his unfocussed blue eyes stared at the ceiling. Why me, Sazh? What makes you think she…

"What do you mean?" asked Hope.

"Aw, you must've noticed by now, right? Noel was having a rough go of it, living without her. But ever since Serah appeared, he's been getting better. He's leaving the house, socializing – hell, he's even talking to Snow again!"

The Director mulled over the theory.

"So you think that Serah came back because she wanted to help Noel?"

The man in question held his breath in apprehension.

"Just Noel?" Hope repeated, trying to clarify Sazh's meaning.

"I think…" Sazh trailed off. He shook his afro lightly, as if trying to shake off the uncomfortable feeling this conversation was giving him. "I think that – something – was going on between those two."

The back of Noel's neck grew hot. He shouldn't be listening to this. Fear and nerves told him that he was misunderstanding Sazh's words. Unreasonable expectations were inflating his heart, and he fought to keep his cool. He couldn't mean…

"That… maybe Serah had feelings for Noel."

Noel swallowed, trying to slow the beating of his runaway heart. He trudged back up the stairs so that he could make a louder, more obvious entrance.

Even if Sazh's theory was right, did that change anything? Noel wasn't so sure. She was dead, after all.

Noel's foot nearly missed the next step.

Serah is dead.

With uneasiness, Noel realized that, since she'd appeared to him, he hadn't been able to think of her that way. He kept thinking there was some way to bring her back. To keep her. It didn't matter to him if anyone else could see her. As long as she stayed with him, he could be happy.

"It's really happening," stated Hope in awe, as he took in the bustling city. "Are you excited to see him?"

Noel nodded, though his face hardly showed it.

The hospital had called after Sazh left, with the news that Mog had fully recovered and was going to be discharged that afternoon.

Everything seemed to be happening at once. With the reconstruction of the city nearing completion and Mog's recovery, Noel felt like it was only a matter of time before Lightning would awaken from crystal stasis. He wanted to share in the celebrations with his friends, but their progress only reminded him that Serah's wishes were being fulfilled one by one. Soon she'd disappear, and he still hadn't decided what he wanted to tell her.

"So, about those fireworks Sazh was talking about," Hope said lightly, "Do you think Serah will like them?"

"Probably," Noel muttered, clearly not wanting to talk about her.

The last time he'd seen the pink-haired apparition he'd yelled at her about her indecision.

Hypocrite, he chastised himself.

"I have to ask," Hope started.

"Don't."

"Any reason I shouldn't?" Hope countered, a little frustrated by his friend's attitude today. He stopped in front of Noel, letting the moving walkway carry them the rest of the way to New Town.

"Hope, please," Noel begged, unable to meet the concerned eyes that were pleading him for answers.

But Hope wouldn't let it go.

"What do you want to happen?"

Noel tried to pass him, but the older man stretched out his arms, blocking the way.

"If she disappears, what will you do?" Hope demanded in a voice heavy with worry. "Will you shut yourself in your room again?"

This was the kind of question that scared him.

"…I don't know."

Hope placed a firm hand on his shoulder, as if the physical contact would force him to listen properly. "Noel, I'm your friend, remember? You don't have to face this alone. If you let us in, we – Sazh, myself, and Snow – can help you get through this!"

The combination of Hope's easy words and his own frustration was too much for Noel to take.

"What do you want me to say?" he shouted angrily. "Will talking about it change anything?"

No matter what I say, she'll still be dead, Noel thought bitterly.

The hand on his shoulder dropped away, deflected by his resistance. The sidewalk carried them the rest of the way in silence. Both men were seething from their exchange, neither willing to admit how wrong he was about the other.

As unreasonable as he sounded, Noel had a point. The pain wouldn't go away just by talking things out. But if he didn't start somewhere, Hope worried that nothing would change. They'd be right back where they started. Even if things went badly, he wanted Noel to know that showing weakness to the people that care about him would only strengthen their bond. They would all grow a little, together. In order to help his friend, Hope wondered how much he'd have to hurt him.

Stepping off the walkway, the silver-haired man muttered something over his shoulder and continued on his way. After a moment, Noel followed reluctantly behind.

The strained atmosphere followed them all the way to the hospital.

That night, it seemed like the entire human population on Gran Pulse was gathered on the beaches of New Bodhum. Excitement had reached a fever pitch by the time Noel set foot on the sand. He had gotten a ride with Sazh and Dajh with plans to meet up with Hope and Mog when they arrived. Now, with this crowd, it seemed like that might not happen. It wasn't surprising that so many people were here, considering that this would mark the first major festival since chaos had infected the world. Sazh had been right, having something to look forward to really lifted the spirits of the population.

Noel's skin prickled as people invaded his personal space from every angle. Even though they were outside, it was suffocating. Half-heartedly searching the crowd for silver hair, he allowed himself to be carried along by the push of people like a fallen leaf floating down the river.

According to Sazh, Snow was going to be late because he was busy planning a "big surprise" for Serah. That, more than anything, should have convinced Noel not to come at all.

But he couldn't risk it – missing what could be his last chance to see her. Serah hadn't returned to the house since their argument. Sazh assured him that she'd be there; still he couldn't help but worry. If this was the wish she'd been talking about…

"Noel, kupo!" called a voice above the crowd.

Looking up, he found Hope standing on the roof of NORA house, waving them over. Mog flew into Noel's face impatiently.

"Hurry up, Hunter-san!" ordered the white flying pig-bat, pointing with his clock-staff to where Sazh was helping Dajh climb the ladder up to the roof. "Don't get lost now!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he sighed, pushing the moogle aside.

Following their lead, Noel climbed the ladder on the side of the building and joined the others on the roof. From there, they had the best view of the dark sky above the water. Not to mention they wouldn't need to crane their necks to see the fireworks.

Taking a seat on the edge of the roof so that his legs dangled in the air, Noel took a moment to wonder where Serah could be.

"Do you have any idea what Snow's 'big surprise' is going to be?" Hope asked Sazh a few paces away.

"Nah," the old pilot replied. "That guy wouldn't say. I guess he was worried I'd tell Serah or somethin'"

"Speaking of," Sazh continued, glancing over to the roof's edge, "Noel, have you seen her yet? Is she here?"

Noel shook his head.

Mercifully, Sazh didn't pry. He and Hope began discussing the current chaos levels. Dajh, meanwhile, had somehow stolen Mog's wand and was poking the moogle with it, giggling happily.

A few minutes later, Snow arrived, hefting a rather large rectangular object.

"Maqui, is it hooked up?" he shouted down to the ground.

The young blonde nodded, the goggles on his head momentarily reflecting the light from the house.

"We're all set down here!"

"Right on." Snow smirked confidently.

The others approached him with curiosity, but Noel remained where he was. His inner turmoil kept him too distracted to wonder what Snow had cooked up this time.

"Well, we rigged up speakers all along the beach," Snow explained to the others, his loud voice carrying over to reach Noel's ears anyway, "When the fireworks start, we're gonna blast Serah's favorite song along with them!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Dajh.

"Not bad," agreed Sazh.

Hope glanced at his watch.

"The show should be starting any minute now. Shall we?" he asked, indicating where Noel was sitting.

As the others settled in around him, Snow boasting about his ingenuity with the sound system to Hope, Mog bashing Dajh over the head with his newly retrieved staff, he recalled Hope's words from this morning:

["Right now, it might not seem to make a difference, but one day you'll be grateful to have friends like us who are willing to listen."]

Sazh sat down next to him, using one hand on the teen's shoulder to steady himself.

"Agh, these knees just ain't what they used to be," he complained, cringing as he straightened out his legs.

Noting Noel's faraway gaze, he asked in a lower voice, "So, how're you holding up?"

Usually he'd just ignore the question, his silence enough of a response for Sazh to get the hint and drop the conversation. However, in this quiet moment before the night exploded with colored lights and sound, he felt compelled to say something. It felt like a turning point – a time to "do or die". Tension sang down his arms as he clutched his hands tightly. His world was about to fall apart all over again, and if he didn't rouse the courage to deal with it…

"Not well, actually."

The old man nodded, breathing out through his nose. "I'd guessed as much."

They both observed the crowd below, if only to have something to occupy their eyes.

"I just… don't know how to live without her."

He let out a staggering sigh, his nerves running high from the fear of losing Serah and this conversation. It wasn't easy, talking about his feelings to someone else. They were confusing enough as they bounced around his head, and putting them into words felt impossible. He hated that, no matter how he phrased it, his problems made him sound pathetic, weak.

It wasn't that he didn't know how to live without her, he corrected. It's that he didn't want to.

Placing his hands behind him, Sazh leaned back and stared at the toes of his work boots.

"Did I ever tell you about Dajh's mom?" he asked.

"…No."

"Her name was Selphie, and she loved trains," Sazh started, his voice calm but dreamy as the memory of her happy face surfaced in his mind.

"Ah, you probably didn't know this, but back on Cocoon I used to be a train conductor. The job suited me fine, I loved being able to see the country and never being tied down to one particular place. You could say I was a wanderer at heart. But, as we got to know one another I realized that being tied down wasn't so bad after all.

"I made a lot of changes to my life for her. I gave up my dream job and became a pilot so that I could come home to her every night. It wasn't long before we got married and had Dajh. We were happy." A nostalgic smile painted the man's features, making him seem older – and tired.

"When she died, it felt so sudden. My whole life was built on the assumption that we'd be together – until we grew old and even after that. Without her, I wondered if I should just go back to who I was before: reprise my job as a train conductor and continue my lonely transient existence.

"In the end, I didn't go back. I couldn't. I wasn't the same man I was before. Plus, I had Dajh to think of. His future was in my hands."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Noel mumbled, ashamed that he'd never even thought to ask about Dajh's mother.

"Thanks," Sazh replied. "But I didn't tell you that story for your sympathy. I just wanted you to know that, even though right now you think you can't go on without her, you can. You will. All it takes is motivation."

"Motivation, huh?"

"For me, it was simple. My son needed me to be strong to support him."

What have I got to keep me going?

It wasn't hard to see that Noel's life was a real mess. He'd trained his whole life to be a Guardian, yet the person he was supposed to protect, Yeul, had died before he'd even taken over the job from Caius. In fact, he'd lost everything, everyone he knew, and when he'd been at his wits' end, Lightning found him and brought him to Serah.

My saving grace.

She'd changed him, little by little. She filled up his life with adventure, purpose, camaraderie… and love. But then she… and the world…

Sazh noted Noel's downturned gaze. "It might be the hardest thing you do, Noel. But it'll be damn worth it."

A loud 'bang' brought Noel out of his introspection.

"That's the cue," Snow explained happily. "Maqui! Hit it!"

"Sure thing, boss!" came a shout from the ground, as the kid pressed 'play' on the stereo.

"This one's for you, Serah."

The music started soft, a lone piano painting a dreamy picture of nostalgia and longing. Fountains of pink and gold sputtered from the ground, quietly preparing the crowd for the brightness to come. As the strings joined the piano, the atmosphere started to build, with a few balls of light arcing lazily over the fountains. As the melody danced its way into their ears, the first fireworks exploded over their heads. Green and gold lights expanded across the sky, shimmering as they faded like a promise to return.

Eyes filled with brightness, every upturned face smiled with delight. The group on the roof huddled together, anticipating the next blast with an "ooo" or an "aaah". Dajh climbed into his father's lap, pointing happily at the blooming flowers of light. The chocobo chick flitted around them, landing softly on Noel's shoulder.

Turning to look at the bird, he caught sight of Hope's bowed head next to him. The silverette's hands were folded so that the tips of his index fingers were touching. As if he felt Noel's gaze, he opened his eyes and shook out his hands hastily.

"Just something I picked up from Vanille," he said, slightly embarrassed.

Having also grown up on Pulse, Noel recognized the gesture.

"What were you praying for?"

"…"

The music was reaching its crescendo, accompanied by bigger and more spectacular fireworks, loudly drowning out anything that Hope might have said.

A humming voice that Noel had thought was part of the song caught his attention. Noel turned around to find Serah suddenly behind him. In his surprise, he gaped at her, his emotions flickering between joy and apprehension like a candle flame in the breeze. As they locked eyes, the fireworks splashed across the sky even brighter. Maybe it was a trick of that added light, or maybe his own twisted imagination, but right then Noel watched with horror as the dreaded symbol of Etro filled her eyes.

No! Not again!

Noel jumped to his feet and ran to Serah, pulling her into his arms tightly, tears streaming down his face as he screamed.

"No! Serah, don't go! I don't want you to leave!"

Sazh, Dajh, Hope and Snow were completely blindsided by Noel's sudden outburst, tearing their gazes and happy faces from the fireworks to see what was happening. Noel's heart wrenching sobs solidified their fears, that Serah had appeared, but worse, she was about to disappear.

"I want you to stay with me forever!" Noel shouted, his voice cracking above the volume of the speakers.

Snow rose to his feet shaking with anger. Though he still couldn't see her, he knew that Noel was trying to hold on to Serah - that he was trying to keep her from moving on to the next life.

"What do you think you're doing?!" he bellowed, shoving Noel aside. "Get your hands off her!"

"Hey now, careful big guy," Sazh placated, all too aware that they were standing on the edge of the roof.

"Stay out of this!" Snow warned pointing a finger at the man.

"Really, there's no reason to…" Hope interjected.

But Noel was already on his feet, charging full-speed at Snow.

"Mind – your own – agh – business!" Noel grunted as clamped his hands around Snow's fists and tried to wrestle him to the ground.

"You selfish – bastard!" Snow shouted, fighting just as hard against Noel.

Serah watched horror-struck as the two men she loved attacked each other.

"Stop it!" she screamed, crying as Snow landed a few solid punches to Noel's face.

Just as Snow was winding up for another swing, Sazh grabbed his arms and held them behind him. At the same time, Hope grabbed Noel, though the brunette seemed to have given up on the fight already.

A few curious people on the beach looked up searching for the source of the commotion, but for the most part it went by unnoticed. The finale fought against their scuffle, crackling and exploding louder and brighter than their fury and anguish. By the time the two were separated, the last lonely firework shimmered in the air, all too much like the forgotten goal of fulfilling Serah's wish.

Looking between the two men, seeing Snow's savage anger and Noel's withdrawn bloody expression, Serah wrung her hands. It was her fault. She kept bringing about these wretched scenes. She kept hurting those she cared about the most.

Sinking to her knees, the misery too much to bear, Serah wished that she could just disappear. Hot tears blurred her vision and she clutched her face so hard it hurt. Her nails dug in to her forehead as if she were trying to rip her ghost shell apart with her own hands.

But something tugged on her elbow, nearly dragging her to her feet. Moving her hands and opening her eyes, she found Noel pulling her along, walking away from the others.

"Noel, what are you doing?" she asked, her voice hoarse and quiet.

He didn't respond. No one stopped him as he slid down the ladder and continued to walk away.

For the millionth time, Serah wondered if she should stay a little longer or leave them all alone. As if she could. As if she had a choice. As if she had the strength.

Not yet, she resolved, I'm not ready to say goodbye.

She ran after Noel into the dark night.