#C6
Hopelessness. That's all I feel. So much of negative emotion. It makes me feel sick.
The worst part about me being sad is that I start to think about all the things that are wrong with my life, even if they have nothing to do with the reason for my sadness.
I don't fit in anywhere. Not with my family, not with my friends- wait. What friends am I talking about? Better way to put it: I don't fit in at school. I don't fit in anywhere.
No one understands me. No one. And I really need someone to understand me. I need someone to be there for me. I feel so lonely. And I'm tired of feeling lonely. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why me, God?
It's now that I recall so much negativity that I start crying in earnest.
I'm so sick and tired of everything. Of school, of people, of studies. Everything. I want to go away from here and never come back. It's not like anyone's going to miss me.
I'm so tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. But I've been putting this façade on for so long that it's almost second nature now and I can't get rid of it. I feel so dirty. So fake. I am fake, I guess. But I hate this feeling.
I want him back. I want Riven back. Give him back. Please.
Hot tears pour out of my eyes into my pillow. I can't remember the last time I cried like this. I cry and cry till I've completely exhausted my energy. I want the pain to go away. I want to be happy. I'm sixteen for crying out loud! My life hasn't even begun yet. I can't be sad like this.
And suddenly, I sit up in a moment of self-realization, wiping my face on my sleeves. I'm so stupid. I'm giving one person so much attention. I'm letting myself feel bad because of that one person.
No one gets to make me feel like this. Wake up, Molly. You can be happy if you choose to. It all depends on what you choose.
And I choose to be happy. I choose to depend on no one but myself. It's okay to have a weak moment as long as I get back up.
"You're fine now." I tell myself. And I believe it. So what if I told him to stay away from me? So what if prefect duties are going to be awkward now? I'm strong enough to handle anything that comes my way if I stop victimizing myself.
I quickly take a small piece of parchment from my supplies and my quill that's already loaded with ink.
You're fine. I write as the black ink spreads slightly.
Believe in yourself.
Don't ever give up. My pressure on the quill increases.
Don't ever have any regrets.
Your happiness is in your hands and yours only. Remember that.
Remember that no matter how lonely you are, you'll always have yourself, and believe it or not, that's more than enough.
Lastly, when things seem rough, remember: Heaven's got a plan for you.
I stare at the sentences I've written and find myself feeling lighter. A smile almost escapes my lips, because I know that I'll be alright now.
I know that this doesn't mean that I won't have my moments of sadness, but I know I'll be able to pick myself up. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this. I've probably known it all along.
With this newfound confidence and sense of relief, I get off my bed and pick up the books Riven left for me. I quickly copy his notes into my books, appreciating how detailed they are.
Once I'm done, I gather his books and head to the boys' dorms, passing an empty common room on the way. Now that I'm finally outside the sixth year boys' dormitory, I begin to get slightly nervous. I knock on the door with a shaky hand while my other hand supports the weight of the books. No answer. No one opens the door. Thinking it's best to admit myself inside, I push open the door only to find the room empty. A part of me that hoped to not have an encounter with him calms down. I realize now that I've never been inside the boys' dorms. This one is slightly smaller than the girls' dorm, but that's probably okay seeing as there are only four Gryffindor boys in our year and five girls. The beds are exactly like ours, flagged with windows on each side with heavy maroon curtains.
I remind myself it would be pathetically awkward if one of the boys were to walk in right now and see me here so I try to look for Riven's bed, an attempt which is futile, since all of them look the same. In our dorm, we kind of personalize our own beds or bedside table with some of our things or posters. The boys, clearly, don't.
Just when I'm thinking that I should go back and return them at another time, the door opens.
"What are you doing here?" says Riven. If he is even the least bit surprised, his tone doesn't reveal it.
"Here," I say, covering the distance between us in two steps and handing him the books. "Thanks."
He takes them from me without any change of expression. I don't plan on waiting a second longer, so I move past him, opening the door again, when he speaks.
"Had fun with Callum, eh?" he says with slight sarcasm. I turn back to look at him, before I realize that any kind of response is useless. I walk out, quietly shutting the door behind me.
"Molly, your hair's beautiful." says Dominique as her delicate hands tie my hair into an intricate braid.
"Yeah, she gets it from our side of the family." says Avril, teasingly. Avril Boot is my fifth-year cousin from my mother's side. The three of us are currently in the middle of 'girl time' as they call it. Dominique sits on one of the cozy chintz chairs with me sitting on the carpet right in front of her, my hair in her hands. Avril pokes at burning embers in the fireplace, while being seated on a pouffe. Gryffindor common room is very crowded today given the blizzard outside. Our classes have been cancelled for the day and we can't go outside either so the general mood isn't very good. James and Fred are occupied with a game of exploding snap and little eleven-year-old Roxanne has just been put to bed by me since she has a terrible cold. I can't see Rose anywhere but I'm assuming she's in her dorm.
It's too dark for it to be just half past three, but it's been dark since morning. The portrait swings backward, letting a few seventh-year boys inside and Callum's among them. He looks at me and waves and I smile back in reply. Callum and I have been getting on alright. We greet each other if we pass each other in the hallway or something like that. On two occasions, we've met in the library and I've helped him with his homework.
It's not that he's stupid. More like, not interested in studies. An attitude I don't like much, but to each their own, I guess. You can see how smart he really is by the way he talks. It's never really small talk. I can converse with him and to meet someone with good conversation skills is something of a rarity.
"That's lovely." I say, inspecting the lower half of my braid and running my fingers over it.
"It looks so good on you." says Dominique, admiring her handiwork and Avril nods in agreement.
"Do you have prefect duty today?" she asks and I nod.
"But why?" whines Dominique. "Most of the school's confined to their common rooms. Surely you don't need to patrol the corridors today." she says.
Valid point. But still, that doesn't mean that we can miss prefect duty. Though I wouldn't mind missing a day. The past nine days haven't been cheerful, patrolling with Riven. Of course, we don't talk, so no problem there.
"Now that's fancy." says Callum, smiling at Dominique, who beams at him. She loves being complimented. And they get on well ever since I introduced them a week ago.
"And I don't believe I know you." Callum says, turning to look at Avril who goes slightly pink. I may be completely wrong, but I think she has a thing for him. He is pretty popular in his own right, now that I think about it. Gryffindor quidditch captain and all.
"I'm Avril Boot. Fifth year." she says, softly. Avril is probably the sweetest and most fragile thing on this planet. When we were kids, she'd get bullied really easily, so it was kind of my duty to protect her, even though we're only a year apart.
"I'm Callum Lewis, Avril. Seventh year." he smiles that pearly white smile of his.
"Been enjoying the weather, I see." I comment, looking at his wet clothes and hair.
"The weather's been enjoying me." he replies, though I can't make head or tail of this statement. "I need to talk to you." he says.
"Sure, go on." I say, my eyebrows raised but he gives me a look that clearly says 'I kind of need to talk to you alone'
"Um, I'll be back in a minute." I say to the two girls and they look at me and nod. I get up and walk toward the portrait hole when Callum holds me back, saying, "Here is good." We've stopped just before the portrait hole, near a little niche that holds the notice board.
"Well?" I question, looking up at him.
"Okay, I don't know how to be diplomatic about this, but Riven's playing pathetically."
I still look at him, waiting for more.
"So?" I ask, as though this has nothing to do with me. It doesn't.
"So I'm not the idiot you think I am. I know that his playing is bad because of something that happened between the two of you. I don't care what it is, but I'm asking this of you: If you can, please sort it out." he says, simply. I frown at him. I open my moth to speak, but he cuts me across.
"I know you'll say 'it's none of your business, Callum' but I'm not going to jeopardize our chance at winning the cup just because of a fight he's had and which is completely irrelevant to the rest of the team."
"Why is Quidditch all you guys think about?" I reply, annoyed. Really.
Callum smiles at me.
"You don't know what Quidditch means to us, and I'm not going to bother explaining it to you either. Look, I've told him this too. Of course, without brining your name up. But he denies it. Thing is, I know him well enough to tell when he's lying."
"I'm sorry, Callum. I'm not talking to him. Now, if that's it, I'm going back to my cousins." I say, my tone slightly cold. He's right. It isn't any of his business.
"You know you're miserable without him." he says, fixing me with that hard look of his so that I find it impossible to look away.
Okay, what? Miserable? Maybe a little down, sure, but not miserable. Besides, I'm like I used to be before that whole… thing. I was fine when I wasn't friends with him.
No you weren't, says a little voice inside my head.
Whatever! I'm back to being the way I was. So it's okay. Other than the fact that I do miss him. Other than that, everything's okay.
"I'm not." I glare back, trying to make the words sound convincing. Callum's getting on my nerves. I almost leave, when his next sentence paralyzes me.
"I know that you like him, y'know." he says, but he's not teasing me or anything. It's just a statement. I look around to see if anyone has heard him. They haven't.
"I don't know how you know that because it isn't true." I reply calmly, thinking of the amortentia. I don't like Riven. The truth is, I don't know what I feel for him. Love, hate or just plain indifference. I don't know.
Callum disregards this with a smirk. "See what you can do." he says, patting my head and then walking away. It's not fair. Why should I have to patch things up with him just because he's playing badly? It's none of my concern, really.
Hold your ground, I say to myself. And I intend to. I promise myself to not talk to him during prefect duty today. It isn't going to be much different from the past week anyway.
At around ten to eight, I leave the common room for the third floor corridor. When I reach, it's empty, as expected. Everyone's taking shelter in their common rooms after dinner. However, even after ten minutes of pacing the corridor, Riven doesn't show up.
He's never been late before. What gives? Another ten minutes pass. Maybe he thought that since the whole school is locked away in their common rooms and dorms, prefect duty isn't necessary today. Yes, that must be it. Still, it's kind of lonely. I've never patrolled the corridors by myself. Even if we don't talk, its better having silent company than none at all.
Right on cue, Riven turns into the corridor.
"Missed me?" he says, but it isn't in his usually teasing tone. It's just a statement that comes out of his mouth from force of habit.
"Maybe." I say, shocking him and myself. What? Why did I just say that!
He looks at me for a split second before looking away. It's at this moment that I know that both of us want to go back to how we were but neither of our egos will let us. I mean, what's worse than saying, 'I'm sorry, it was my fault and please be friends with me 'cause I'm pathetic without you.' ? I'll answer that: Nothing.
But we don't patrol, we just stand side by side with a little distance between us, backs against the wall. That atmosphere's slightly suffocating and cold, but maybe that's the weather. I realize now, how wrong I was, back in the library that day. I don't even know what makes me realize it. It just suddenly comes to me. But must I apologize? He was at fault too, even if slightly so.
"You know we can't keep this up forever, right?" he says, breaking the silence. I don't look up.
"I know." I reply. I know. I know. I know. I can't do it. I can't not talk to him, because the more I don't, the more I find myself missing him.
"So… I'm sorry." he says. It's now that I look up at him. He looks at me, probably expecting an apology too. It's due anyway.
"I am too." I say. Immediately, I feel lighter. But now that we've both apologized, we don't know what to say to each other.
"Wait." I say. "Are you doing this because Callum asked you to?"
He pauses before replying, "No. I'm doing it for myself. You?"
"Yeah, me too." I say, retreating into the wall again.
"You guys get along well." he says. It isn't a question. But there's a different kind of tone in his voice that I can't exactly place.
"Yeah, he's nice." I reply, honestly. He is. That's what I thought of him when I first met him and I stand by it even now. He's given me no reason to think otherwise.
"I guess he is." Riven smiles. The next half hour passes rather quickly, though we still don't talk much. It's only when we're walking back up to the common room that something hits me.
"Riven?"
"Hm?"
"You knew that the potion in the bottle was Amortentia , right?" I ask. "That's why you sniffed it."
Riven stops in his tracks. I've reached the top of the staircase while he's two stairs below me. The Fat Lady looks at me, waiting for the password, but I'm looking at Riven. We hold each other's gaze for a couple of moments and I know he knows what I'm going to ask next. Still, he doesn't stop me.
"What did you smell?" I ask quietly. Riven walks up the last two stairs so that we're face to face now.
"That" he whispers, coming within inches of my face so that I can smell the mint as he speaks, "is a secret."
Then, straightening up, he gives the Fat Lady the password and she lets us in. The common room still has a few occupants, none of which notice us come in.
Riven extends a hand backwards to mess up my hair. My eyes close at his touch. I've missed this so much and I didn't even realize it.
"Goodnight, Mol." he says, before going up to his dormitory.
A/N: So that's 6. I liked writing this one :) Hope you guys like reading it too. Please review! :)
Love. xx