Commence the New Chapter Happy Dance!
A) I'm lazy. B) I crochet. (visit my deviantart and you'll see what I mean) C) I've been working on future chapters to help prevent such a long hiatus again. But mostly A) I'm lazy. I'm very sorry.
The problem with this story is that there is no action. It's all talk-talk-talk, which is hard to break up when all you need is for people to talk. Hopefully future events will rectify this.
Thank you all for your continued patience and your reviews!
When you beg Capcom to make a Dash 3, you should also thank them for the EXE series.
"I thought you said Roll wanted a baby."
"She does."
"Then why'd she run away?"
"I'm not sure…"
"You're lying."
Rockman made eye contact with Netto for the first time since they'd left SciLabs. "Netto-kun." he scowled.
Netto returned the look. "I'm not angry at her for leaving, I'm just confused." He set his PET down on the living room coffee table with a sigh. "She almost sounded offended. I thought she'd be happy… jump on this chance…"
"I thought the same thing," Rockman admitted.
"Then why's she still hiding in her PET?"
Rockman exhaled softly, the way he always did when he had trouble thinking of how to word something. "She's… not jealous of the baby, but jealous of Meiru-chan. Of the experience."
Netto blinked at this revelation. "Oh." He looked to Meiru, sitting on their tan recliner. Did she know this?
Meiru shrugged, and continued to plow her way through a piece of pie; on the whole, she didn't seem too concerned about the situation.
"Mm," his Navi nodded. "That's why I'm confused; if she became a surrogate, it'd be almost the same as Meiru-chan, right?"
"I guess not entirely," Netto frowned, "'Cause she would have said yes if it were the same."
"Netto-kun…" Netto couldn't see Rockman from how he'd set down his PET, but could tell from the Navi's voice that he was fidgeting, "I'm worried."
Normally, Netto would laugh that Rockman worried far too much for his own good. This was a prime opportunity to tease him about Roll, too… But Rockman had a note of sincerity in his voice that Netto couldn't ignore.
"Let's think, then. How is surrogating different from actually being pregnant?"
"It produces a Navi instead of a baby," Rockman deadpanned.
Netto shook his head, not amused. "I'm not looking for physical differences; Roll is a woman, and with women it's always something emotional."
"You're going to blame this on her being too emotional? That's stereotypical and rude, Netto-kun."
"Sheesh, I'm just trying to help…"
"Well you're not doing a very good job."
Netto sent a glare towards his PET. "What put you in such a bad mood?"
Rockman said nothing; Netto had been expecting an apology, so the silence unnerved him.
"If you're so worried, go find a way to break through her firewall! She's not a pro at security, you could get past if you really tried."
"That," Meiru said around the pie in her mouth, "would also be rude." She swallowed. "You can't just force your way into her PET."
"Fine! If we can't ask her what's wrong, then we have to figure it out ourselves," he grumbled back. Rockman made a noise of dissent, so he added, "What? You'd prefer to sit here and worry?"
"No…"
"Then think! You must know something; you told me you two had an "understanding", right?"
Again, Rockman said nothing. Again, it troubled Netto. Rockman rarely came out and said exactly what he meant… but one way or another, he always told Netto everything. They shared everything with one another. What was Rockman trying to accomplish with his crabby attitude?
"Why," Netto asked slowly, "do I get the feeling that you're mad at me too?"
"What?" Rockman answered too quickly. "I'm not angry!"
"Mmhmm," he snorted.
"Really!"
"Rockman…"
Another "how-do-I-say-this" sigh came from the PET's speakers. "I wouldn't… call it mad…"
"Then what would you call it?" Netto asked, fighting to keep his growing annoyance out of his voice.
"Netto-kun…" Rockman stumbled, "did… you always plan to combine our core programs? Roll-chan's and mine?"
"Of course!" he frowned back. "Why? What's wrong with that? That way, both you and I will—" With a shock that he could almost physically feel, Netto suddenly understood. "Oh. I never asked you, did I?"
"No."
He'd been so concerned about making Roll happy that he'd forgotten about Rockman's involvement in his plan. "Okay then: you wanna have a baby with Roll?" It was blunt and a bit late, but better late than never, right?
Rockman was full of surprises tonight; instead of the flustered splutter Netto expected (which secretly meant yes), he muttered, "My opinion doesn't matter anymore. Roll doesn't want to."
Netto ran a hand through his hair in frustration, pulling out a few hairs in the process. "Now we're back where we started, Rockman! Yes it matters; if you don't want to be a Papa, then Roll won't want a baby."
"But I told her I would!" Rockman said, his voice growing in volume until it was almost a shout. "I offered! If she had said yes to Newell-hakase, I would have shared my core program!"
Netto reached a hand out and picked up his PET. He regarded the ruffled Navi inside and slowly tried to put the pieces together. The heart of this problem was that Roll was upset she couldn't have what Meiru had. But not just the baby; Roll was jealous of the experience. What was it that Meiru had besides the baby…?
"Rockman," Meiru spoke up, "Roll doesn't want your core program."
"Yes she does! She needs it so we can have a baby together!" Rockman snapped back, something he rarely did to Meiru.
"No," she shook her head, "she doesn't want that either."
"Then what does she want?!" Rockman cried, spreading his arms wide in either a plea for help or frustration. "What do you have that she doesn't?"
Meiru seemed to think it over for a bit, picking at piecrust crumbs with her fork as she did so. "You're thinking about this the wrong way, Rockman. Most of time… Well…" Netto could tell that she knew the answer, but was reluctant to share it. "Women don't have children just because they can, they do it because they want to."
"Well… yeah," Netto sighed at his wife. That was an obvious statement. "But Roll wants to, or as least we think she does, so what's stopping her?"
"Women…" It was obvious she was picking her words carefully, but Rockman (now pacing back and forth) seemed oblivious to her delicacy. "Any man can give a woman children, but most women will choose a man to have children with. They do it together."
"What?! Are you saying that Roll doesn't want Rockman to be the father?" Netto burst out, stunned by this possibility. "But Roll's always had a thing f— er…"
Meiru was making frantic hand gestures and mouthing "no".
What was wrong with saying that in front of Rockman? Roll liked Rockman; she had for years, and it had always been obvious. Netto teased Rockman about it all the time. Granted, Roll didn't jump all over him like she used to, but Netto still had enough fodder to make Rockman go red in the face whenever he so chose. There was no point in denying it.
"I'm not saying that… I didn't say that, but…" Meiru fumbled. "What I'm really trying to say is that she can't make this decision alone. It's just as important that you decide what you want, Rockman."
Netto fought back an "oh". The last horse (aptly named "Netto's Brain") crossed the finish line; he knew what Meiru had.
Me.
That was it: what Meiru had was a husband! She wasn't just having a baby, she was starting a family. Rockman was offering to help Roll get a baby, but he was not offering to be its Papa. Not in the way Roll wanted, at least. He would take responsibility for it and help raise it (and probably enjoy it), but the three of them would not be a family; they would be together for the baby's sake, not because they had chosen to be together.
"But… why should what I want matter now?" Rockman looked lost; maybe Netto wasn't the last horse after all. "I'm not the one who's locked up in a PET. I'm not the one who needs help."
Meiru chuckled at this. "Roll doesn't need help; she just needs a little time alone. She'll come out when she's ready."
"How will being alone help her? Roll-chan…" Rockman stopped his pacing. "She's upset, and I know it's my fault. I can't just leave her alone like that…"
It was now Netto's turn to be cautious about his words; he could not tell Rockman what he knew. Roll was hiding because she couldn't tell Rockman why she'd said no to surrogating without having to admit her feelings... and knowing Rockman as well as he did, if Roll said "I love you" there was a very good chance Rockman would feel obligated to return that emotion, regardless of his actual feelings. Roll didn't want him to live a lie, and neither did Netto.
"Why do you want to help her?" he asked.
"Because I'm worr—"
"Why are you worried about her?" Netto demanded. It was obvious he and Roll had some sort of… "understanding", even if it was just a friendly partnership. Rockman tried to play it off like it was nothing, but after stumbling through his own relationship, Netto could see the signs. Whatever Rockman chose (friendship or more), he had to actually chose it; Roll knew he might say no, but the longer he said nothing, the more she would get her hopes up… and the more hurt she would get when the time came. It wasn't fair to her to drag it out like this. "If you can't decide why you feel the need to get into her PET, then you shouldn't try."
The whole purpose of his scheming with Newell-hakase was to force Rockman and Roll closer together. It was similar to what Rockman had done to him and Meiru, so Netto had kind of assumed that things would turn out the same happy way for Rockman. But they weren't turning out the same way. Despite his good intentions, his plan was driving Rockman and Roll apart; he wasn't helping Roll any, he was hurting her. This needed to end soon, one way or the other.
"I've already told you! Roll-chan is unhappy because of me!" Rockman said. "Meiru-chan is right: Roll-chan thinks that if she says yes to becoming a surrogate, she'll be forcing me to do something I don't want to."
"Partially, yes," Meiru frowned, "but that's not quite…"
"But if I can get into her PET, if I can talk to her," Rockman interrupted, "I can tell her that I'm willing to have a baby with her. I know it is a big commitment, but if it makes her happy, I am willing to do it."
Commitment; now there was an odd choice of words. That was what Roll wanted, but not in the sense Rockman had just described. Netto couldn't think how to tell his Navi this, but was saved the trouble by Meiru.
"'Willing to do it'?" Meiru quoted. She narrowed her eyes as though insulted, and clinked her plate down on the coffee table. "Rockman, you make it sound like this is a sacrifice on your part. Is that how you view it? I just told you, making that kind of sacrifice for Roll won't make her happy! People have children because they want to have children, not because they're able to undertake the responsibility."
"You and Netto-kun didn't want children," Rockman shot back. "You didn't think you could handle it yet, but here you are now, almost three months away from having something you thought you didn't want, and you're happy."
Netto gaped at this Navi. "What the hell, Rockman!" He gave his PET a good shake. Rockman was never anything but polite to Meiru, so his current attitude was both a shock and way out of line. "I know you're upset, but that's no reason to take it out on my wife!"
"I'm not trying to be rude!" Rockman said, his voice rising. "I'm just trying to say that it doesn't matter what I want; a baby will make Roll-chan happy."
"But will it make you happy?"
Meiru had asked that question a few times now, and Rockman had yet to answer. Netto had no idea why Rockman was avoiding it; it had a simple answer: yes. Given the same opportunity as his brother, Rockman would surely want children, and the sooner he admitted to it, the sooner this argument—
"I'm touched, Netto-kun! I was not aware that you cared about my opinion."
It was hard to believe that the Navi with a hard voice and insincere smile in his hands was Rockman. "Of… of course I care!" Netto said heatedly. "What's wrong with you? I've always cared about your opinion!"
Rockman nodded. "Yes, yes… which is why this is the first time you have asked for it."
"I have too asked you what… you…"
He'd been so concerned about making Roll happy that he'd forgotten about Rockman's involvement in his plan. "Okay then: you wanna have a baby with Roll?" It was blunt and a bit late, but better late than never, right?
Netto let his lie of a sentence trail off lamely. He'd been planning to get Roll (and Rockman) a baby for almost two months… but the first time he'd asked Rockman about it was not quite five minutes ago.
"I really do care, Rockman," he started up again, much more subdued this time. "I just… I just never asked." Truth be told, Netto had never asked because he'd already known the answer… at least, he thought he'd known.
"You never ask!" Rockman spat. "And when you do, you ignore my answer! You make all of my decisions for me, because you assume you know what I want. You think that you know me so well that you don't need to ask."
Rockman was right. Absolutely right, but to hear him shout it with such anger stung Netto deeply.
"But… Rockman… I do know you that well, don't I?" Netto whispered. He remembered his fifth birthday, and remembered unwrapping the present that was Rockman. He didn't have a single memory earlier than that, so it was almost as if he'd had no life before Rockman. They'd grown up together right since that very beginning, often with only each other for company. "We… we grew up together. I'm not trying to make your decisions for you, but…"
"But you are," Rockman finished, turning his back and taking a few steps away from the view screen.
"Yeah, because I know you!" Netto repeated. "When I first suggested that you buy a baby Navi like Jasmine did, you seemed enthusiastic about it!" It was true; though initially Rockman had doubts about it, he'd warmed up to the idea after a few days.
"I thought it would make Roll-chan happy."
"But you… we…" Netto was floundering now. He'd assumed that Rockman would come to his senses about his feelings towards Roll. He'd assumed that the two of them would be happy. He'd assumed that Rockman would love to have a child, so that he and Netto could both be fathers… and more importantly, so that they could pair their child and Navi just like they had been at the age of five. Apparently, he was wrong on all counts. "Rockman… I thought…"
He and Rockman kept a change jar. In reality it was neither change nor in a jar, but was an online bank account in which they kept any spare or frugally saved money. When the sum got large enough, they would buy a good battle chip with it. They could never agree on what chip to get, though, and each time spent days arguing over it. Netto felt that he should choose, seeing as he was the one who chose what chips got used in battle, while Rockman felt that he should be the once to decide because he was the one who saved the money in the first place and was the one who would (with the exception of Cross Fusion) actually use the chip in battle.
"Rockman," Netto said slowly. "I wanted to make a bet with you: whoever had his kid first would win our change jar money." Though Rockman had his back turned, Netto could see him stiffen; control of the change jar had never been relinquished to a single person before. It was a colossal prize. "You could win it so easy! You can just go out and buy a baby Navi at any time, while I have to wait until October."
Rockman's shoulders twitched and Netto could tell his Navi had crossed his arms.
"But I did that intentionally." Netto put a single finger on his PET screen next to Rockman. "I wanted you to win. I know we've all been doing this for Roll-chan… but really, I thought it would make you happy. I thought you would like to be a Papa… And our children could be best friends, like you an' me, right?"
Rockman was silent. Netto cast a desperate glance up at his wife, who gave him a sad shrug. If Rockman said no after that heartfelt confession, it was unlikely that anything else could change his mind.
"If you don't want to, you don't have to, Rockman," Netto said, trying to be considerate but unable to stop disappointment from welling up inside of him. "But at least… I can count on you to be a good uncle, right?"
At this, Rockman turned halfway around. "Uncle?"
"Yeah! For my kid. When he's born." Meiru opened her mouth, and Netto hastily added, "Or she."
"Netto-kun…" Rockman whipped his torso away again. "Why do you always… You…" His fists clenched at his sides. "When will you realize that… that I'm…"
When Rockman's clenched hands started to shake, Netto felt the need to interject. "Rockman? You okay?"
"No!" was the angry reply. "Netto-kun, I'm sorry but I'm not who you think I am!"
Netto blinked. "What?"
"And regardless of whatever you two say," Rockman continued, ignoring his Operator, "Roll-chan does not need to be left alone. I know… I'm responsible for her running away, and…" he gave an angry huff, "and I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me alone, Netto-kun!"
Before Netto could stutter out another "what", Rockman was gone. Confused (and more than a little hurt), he stared at his empty PET.
"Netto?" Meiru ventured.
With a loud sigh, Netto tossed his PET onto the coffee table and flopped back into the couch. If Rockman didn't want to talk, then they wouldn't talk.
"Hey," he inclined his head towards his wife, "how's the pie?"
"Pretty good," she answered. "Would you like a piece?"
"No," he sighed again, "for once, I don't feel like any."
Roll was pacing when he found her unexpectedly inside the bedroom computer. He knew what she was doing; whenever she was nervous about something, she liked to pace and repeat "I can do it!" over and over. It didn't look too effective today, though. She kept walking towards the glowing portal to the internet, like she wanted to run away, and then turning suddenly and muttering what were probably encouragements under her breath.
Rockman watched her repeat this cycle twice before she noticed him.
"O-oh! Rockman! I didn't… I…"
Somehow, Rockman was a little disappointed; he'd been hoping to work off some of his frustration at Netto by tearing though a firewall.
"I'm sorry Roll-chan, I didn't mean to sneak up on you," he apologized.
"No… It's alright." Roll fidgeted for a moment, then blurted, "Rockman! I… I didn't mean to run away today. I just… didn't want to be rude and say no in front of everybody. But running away was ruder… and so…" She bowed deeply. "I'm sorry!"
So that was what she was working up the courage to say.
"Don't apologize!" Rockman said, flapping his hands at her to get back up. "It's Netto-kun's fault. I knew he was planning something, but…" He rubbed the back of his helmet with a small chuckle. "Let's just say that today was a big surprise for me, too."
Roll was standing straight again, but was having trouble keeping eye contact. "So… you weren't involved?"
"No. I may have helped put the idea into his head, but I had nothing to do with today. Netto-kun never asked me if I wanted…" he faltered, "any of that." Really, the main reason he came here was to find Roll, and he was happy she was put of her PET… but now… He couldn't lie to himself; half the reason he left his PET was to get away from Netto. "He wasn't considering my feelings at all." It was spiteful, but much easier to say when Netto couldn't hear it.
"O-oh." Roll looked shocked at his sudden mood swing. It was also likely that she'd never seen him insult Netto. "No, he was thinking of me. I'm grateful for—"
"No," Rockman interrupted. "No, it's not you. He thinks it was you, but…." It was so hard to put a word to this emotion; mad wasn't it, upset wasn't quite right… Overwhelmed was a good approximation for now. Regardless, he needed to share a bit of it with Roll; she at least deserved to know Netto's true intentions.
"Rockman?"
Rockman took a deep, fortifying breath. "I want to talk with you."
"Aren't we sort of… doing that already?" Roll smiled nervously. "Here; let's sit down." She moved quickly to push one of their red ottomans around the chess table to join it with the second one as a makeshift couch. She sat down on one, and patted the seat next to her.
Reluctantly, he sat down. He now had a good view of the glowing exit into the internet, and much like Roll a minute earlier, felt a fleeting desire to just run away.
Like he stopped her then, she stopped him now: she sighed "One-hundred-fifty-two" and slid over so that their hips almost touched. Confused, he said nothing.
"Rockman… you're sitting so stiffly. Is something wrong?"
He forced himself to relax. "No."
"I'm not Netto-san," she murmured softly, "but I listen just as well as anyone. If you want t—"
"Netto-kun's not doing this for you," Rockman interrupted again. "He's doing it for me." Rockman wanted—no, needed to tell someone this, someone that wasn't Netto or Papa. Someone who was impartial about his origins and knew what it was like to be a Navi. Roll was all of these things. "A while ago, Netto-kun asked me how I felt about him having a baby. I said I was happy for him, but… that's not what he was asking. He wanted to know if I was jealous." He paused, unable to hold back a fond smile. "He always asks me things like that. It makes me happy, knowing that he wants to include me in everything, but at the same time it's… frustrating, because I know he can't."
"It's not a matter if you can or can't," Roll spoke up. "You can want something even if you can't have it." She nodded, and Rockman knew she was speaking from recent experience. "Netto-san is convinced that you should be able to have all the things he does… but do you want them?"
Rockman shifted in his seat; Meiru had asked that exact same question, and he could answer Roll about as well as he had Meiru. Regardless, he decided to make another attempt at it. "That day, Netto-kun asked me if I would want to be a Papa someday... and I laughed at him."
"Because you didn't think it was possible, right?" Roll guessed shrewdly. "So today proved you wrong."
"Yes. Whenever I tell Netto-kun that I can't do something he can, he takes it as a challenge to find a way to make it work."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Roll commented. "It's just a way for him to get closer to you."
Rockman shook his head. "It doesn't matter how hard he tries; I'm not a real person. I'm a program. I don't and oftentimes can't do the same things that he does! Everything that I am, everything that I feel… it's not real."
Roll made no motion or sound at this proclamation, but he felt her shift closwer.
"I'm not real," he continued. "I'm not who he thinks I am. I'm not his brother, but he always insists upon asking if I would want to be. And today… for the first time I thought… that maybe…" Rockman couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence; instead, he shifted away from Roll. It didn't matter what he wanted. It had never mattered. Ever. For anything. Even if Netto wanted Rockman to have all the things he had, and even if Rockman himself wanted those things…
"It doesn't matter what I want; I can't have it. I'm not… and I can't be Saito."
A pink hand lifted towards his face.
"E-eh?!" Rockman flinched away from the intrusion into his personal space. By reflex he brushed her hand away, though maybe with a little more force than necessary.
Roll gave him an offended frown.
"No, it's okay," he said, suddenly embarrassed. As peeved as he was at Netto, this was not the topic he'd come here to discuss. It was almost amazing how Roll knew just what to ask to get him to divulge a little more and more. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to share all of my problems with you; I just wanted you to know Netto-kun's intentions. He's subconsciously doing this for m—"
Roll punched him in the arm.
"Aie! W-what was that for?!"
"Did that hurt?" she asked.
"Yes," he complained, rubbing the spot. It wasn't painful enough to warrant rubbing, but Roll still had her fists up and that seemed like the best answer to avoid another hit.
Contrary to her sudden violent behavior, Roll put a hand gently his cheek. "And this," she murmured, "can you feel this?"
"Yes?" he said, confusion turning his answer into a question.
"Does it feel real?"
He stared at her. She stared right back, unwavering. After a moment of silence, he exhaled, "Yes."
"Then why does it matter if it's not? I feel it; you feel it. Doesn't that make it real, at least between us?"
Roll didn't care who was supposed to be; she only knew him as Rockman. And, like him, knew what it was like to live only in a virtual world. She understood his fears better than anybody else.
Trying his best to keep his voice steady, he answered, "I'd like to think so."
"Then think so!" she admonished, breaking out into a smile. "If I am happy and you are happy, that's all that matters!"
It was such a simple answer. To some it might seem like an easy way out, but with Roll it was just an honest, heartfelt view on life.
"There's nothing wrong with being jealous," Roll stated. "It's true, we can't have the same life as our Operators, but… we have our own lives. We share our own reality, and who's to say that it's not just as good? I enjoy who I am and where I am, and I'm glad that you are who you are and that you are here with me. I wouldn't change anything for the world."
He felt a surge of gratitude towards Roll. She only knew him as Rockman… and wanted him to be only Rockman. Unlike Mama, Papa, and Netto, she had no expectations. Somehow, that felt surprisingly liberating.
Rockman shook his head and returned a faint smile. "Roll-chan… I came here expecting to force my way through a firewall. Why is it that every time I try to cheer you up, you're the one who ends up making me feel better?"
"I'm guess I'm just a naturally optimistic person!" Roll giggled. "O-oh, but…" She lowered her gaze to the floor. "I recall telling you once that I couldn't be optimistic… I'm sorry; I suppose that was a lie."
Rockman couldn't help but chuckle at her. "Of course it was! You're such a bright, cheerful person, how could you be anything but optimistic? That's what I like about you."
Roll gave the floor a timid smile. "Ah, really? I don't know…"
It was strange to see her bashful; she had her legs crossed at the ankle, her posture was straight but still somehow curving away from him, and her cheeks were a pale pink. The old Roll jumped at compliments… so why was this one acting so demure? Rockman couldn't help but notice that her hands, primly folded in her lap, were shaking like a leaf in the wind. Was something wrong?
"Roll-chan, it's true. Why…" he exhaled, fighting to put his concerns into words. "You told me that you don't do anything important. How can you think that? You do a lot of important things, but when I try to thank you, you ignore me."
Roll gave him a confused look. "I don't ignore you. I just… don't think the things I do are as great as you say they are."
"Little things can be just as great as big ones."
"Rockman," Roll scowled, "you and Netto-san have the saved the world… more than once. How can anything I do compare to that?"
Rockman recoiled a bit. "I don't… consider myself a hero. I don't like that title… it gives people false assumptions."
"What do you mean?"
"Netto-kun and I..." he tilted back to gaze at the endless, soft-blue background that made up their sky, "it's true we've done some amazing things, but that makes people think we can do anything."
Roll made a small noise of dissent. "Nobody is invincible."
"See?" Rockman leaned over to nudge Roll, pleased at her objection. "You understand that! It's simple, and you might not think that it's anything important, but to me that's something great. Did you know that you're the only one who tells me to be careful anymore? Even Netto-kun forgets to do that sometimes; he's become somewhat overconfident over the years."
"Eh?" Roll frowned. "Of course I tell you to be careful; you and Netto-san always manage to get yourselves into inordinate amounts of trouble!"
"N-no… Well yes, we do, but that's not what…" Rockman felt himself start to turn pink; this wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. "What I mean to say is… you're the only one who sincerely worries about me, Roll-chan. You care."
Roll's eyes shot open so wide that her eyebrows were lost under the brim of her helmet. "O-o-of course I do! It's because… you know… it's just…"
"Because," Rockman chuckled, finishing her sentence, "you, unlike the rest of the world, know that I am not perfect. You are fully aware what a small mistake could do in a dangerous situation. You know I make these mistakes, and because of this… each day, no matter what it is I'm doing, you sincerely hope that I come home safely. Nobody else does that."
He glanced down. Roll's hands, once merely folded, were now clenched in a vice grip. He placed one of his softly on top of hers. "Thank you, Roll-chan."
Roll swallowed hard. She one deep breath in, one out, and in a voice amazingly devoid of any inflection asked, "Netto-san doesn't care about you?"
Rockman shook his head. "I didn't say that; he does, but in a different way. I guess… what I'm trying to say is that you understand me in ways that he can't."
"I suppose that's true," she relented. "We have a different reality than our Operators, so it only makes sense that they don't understand it the same way we do."
"They don't, no," Rockman smiled kindly, "which is why I'm glad I have you to share it with me. You might not think it's much… but for me it makes a big difference."
Roll had said the pretty much exact same thing ("I like who I am, who you are, and our life together") not five minutes earlier, so her reaction (turning an ashen white color) was a shock.
"Roll-chan?!"
"Rockman…" Her whole body went stiff; he could tell she was fighting the desire to chew her fingers, tap her feet, or fidget in any of her usual nervous ways. "Rockman, why are you doing this now?"
"D-doing what now?"
"Being so nice!"
Since when was being nice considered a bad thing? Rockman took his hand back and frowned. "I just thought… you've been kind of sad lately. You cheer me up so often… so I thought…"
"What makes you think that I'm sad?" she snapped.
I don't know… your behavior for the last five months?
"Today at SciLabs… you ran away with hardly a word." Despite his misgivings on confronting her, there was no better way to get to the bottom of this than to confront her. He struggled to keep eye contact with her angry face. "I know you had your reasons for saying no, and I respect you decision. But even so… Surrogating is a lot like being pregnant. I know… that you're jealous of Meiru-chan, so saying no to that must have been hard."
"Even if I am… it doesn't mean…" Roll swiveled away so her back was facing him. "You don't understand."
That was the understatement of the year.
"You're right. I don't."
"Then why do you keep trying to?!" Roll sounded frustrated to the point of tears.
He'd come here to drag her out of her PET and make her feel better… and now she was about to cry.
"Because no matter what I do these days, you always run away from me!" He gave an irritated huff. "I thought you might like some support through a difficult time, but you tell me that I'm doing too much and making you feel useless. I thought you wanted a baby, but you tell me no because it wouldn't be special… it wouldn't be "ours". When we were given that chance, I thought you might say yes to being a surrogate, but no! You didn't even say no to Netto-kun before you ran off! Roll-chan… I'm not…"
Roll was crying. He'd seen her cry only once or twice, but never like this. She was crying. Not just teary-eyed; full-blown crying. She had her face buried in her pink gloves, and her shoulders were shaking with each sharp intake of breath.
…and it was his fault. These weren't the tears he saw when he returned safely from a mission. They weren't the tears he saw when he was loosing a battle and in real danger. She was crying because he, Rockman, had hurt her. That simple fact tore a hole in his chest.
"Roll-chan… please don't cry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I didn't, I'm really sorry." Fighting fire with fire had been the wrong choice, but Rockman couldn't let the issue drop. Apologizing and letting her walk away without explaining anything would not solve any of their problems. "I respect your decision to not be a surrogate, but… I'm confused, and your behavior these last few months has me concerned."
"You don't… not really…" Roll's words were jagged with crying. "Just because I want a baby… doesn't mean… you have to pretend…"
"Pretend what? That I care?" He frowned. "I just told you that I appreciate you caring about me; why shouldn't I care about you back?"
"You're just… j-just saying that… b-bec…"
What was it going to take to get through to her? In her defense, though, she was making an effort to listen; she hadn't run away yet.
"I'm saying it because it's true! How can you not see that?" Rockman sighed. Why did Roll, so good at spotting the good qualities in others, have so much trouble seeing her own? True, if an outsider were to compare their accomplishments in life it would be like holding a candle next to the sun, but… an outsider didn't know Roll like he did. An outsider wouldn't know all of the nuances that made her shine brighter than the sun. "You're nice, kind, polite, always cheerful," (their current situation being one of few exceptions), "very smart, clever, and thrifty, the best scanner I've ever seen, deadly with your arrows, better at Dimensional Bubbles than I am or could ever hope to be, better at…"
Somehow, it was hard to be embarrassed about admitting all of these things when Roll was crying so hard. These little compliments had been building up in the back of his mind since forever, really; he'd just never gotten around to telling her… or rather, the opportune moment had never presented itself.
Now seemed like an opportune time.
"You're better than me at normal, everyday life. You care about me in a way that nobody else does, and because of that you understand me in a way that nobody else does. Do you think I can ignore you after all of that?"
When had things changed so much? Roll was always so happy; now she wasn't. He, normally exhausted by her exuberance, missed it. He missed playing (and losing) Chess with her. He missed their conversations about anything and everything. He missed their little squabbles, and missed secretly watching and laughing at Netto and Meiru's squabbles. He missed her cheery waves goodbye and welcome homes. He even missed the mundane things, like organizing the household finances with her.
Somewhere along the line, she'd become a constant in his life. A constant which was suddenly gone, with maybe a brief reprieve during their Bubble adventures today, and it was driving him crazy.
"You…" he paused to swallow once, "are an important person to me."
Slowly, very slowly, he raised his arms. Just as slowly, he put them around either side of Roll. She was still crying hard as ever; this felt like the right thing to do. He didn't want to spook her though; this was a bit more… forward than usual.
Rockman suddenly found that he didn't care about that. Roll was crying; getting her to stop was all that mattered. He stood up, took two steps around the ottoman, leaned down and pulled Roll into a tight hug. "You've been unhappy, and I can't help but think that it's my fault. I just… I just want you to be happy, Roll-chan."
Roll went stiff in his arms. There was a brief pause in her weeping. He thought maybe he had shocked her into silence, but a sniffle proved him wrong.
"I-I am… h-haa…ppy…"
"No you're not," he said bluntly. There was no way she could convince him that these were tears of happiness.
"I'm n-not," there was a sharp intake of breath, a quiet sob, "I know I'm not! But I've been trying so hard t-to let go… W-why are you d-doing th… this now, Rockmaaan?"
Though he didn't quite understand her, Rockman knew what he was doing. "I already told you; I want you to be happy."
Roll was either reluctant to speak or no longer had the ability to. She did, however, seem to accept the fact that he wasn't going to be letting go of her anytime soon, and leaned into his embrace. This surprised Rockman; though the old Roll would've jumped at this chance for closeness, he felt that new Roll should have viewed it as a sign of weakness and rejected it.
Maybe she wanted a hug. Maybe she didn't want him to see her tear-streaked face. Maybe he had read her completely wrong, and she was going to turn back into her normal, huffy self and give him a good smack across the face. Maybe…
Most likely, he was overanalyzing the situation. She was crying; wasn't it instinct to try and comfort others in need? Or to want comfort? Rockman was more than happy to provide it as long as Roll was willing, and kept his arms locked firmly around her. He entertained the thought of rubbing her back, but rejected it quickly; this hug alone was awkward enough. There was no need to spook her away.
It took Roll a few good minutes to quiet down, and one or two more before she pulled away. She took a deep breath and re-settled herself on her seat as though nothing had happened.
For some reason, that bothered Rockman. "Roll-chan?"
"I know that everyone is just trying to help me, and I'm thankful, really I am. But…" Roll shook her head, "I never asked for help. So what if I'm jealous of Meiru-chan? It would be nice to have a baby like Meiru-chan, but I don't need one to be happy."
It made sense; Roll had just told him that they didn't share the same reality as their Operators… and that she didn't want the same reality. Emulating Meiru's experience was probably the last thing she wanted.
"Oh. Okay, so what would make you happy?"
Roll gave him a serious look. "You asking that question makes me happy."
Rockman found he could do nothing more than blink at her. "That can't be all you want."
"Rockman. Netto-san… you said he never asked you what you wanted, he just went ahead and did it. But… if he had asked, what would you have said?" The color had returned to Roll's face a bit; she was obviously avoiding his question by asking another.
All the same, her question made him pause
"If I want a baby?"
"Yeah. Do you?" She sounded curious.
"Well… I pretty much raised Netto-kun when he was a child," (Roll muttered, "He still is!"), "so I don't think it would be difficult…"
"I know you could, but do you want to?"
Her tears were gone, and that same smile he'd been missing for so long was back. It was faint, but unmistakable.
"Ah…"
It wasn't as though Netto would make him have a child; even though Netto hadn't asked until the last minute, all along the idea had been a suggestion. He or Roll could have said no at any point. They could've said yes, too; that was the problem. Netto was curious if Rockman wanted a child… but he didn't care about the reasoning behind the answer. He just wanted a yes or no. Roll, on the other hand, wanted the exact opposite. Behind her smile was a barrage of questions: "do you think you'd make a good father?", "do you want a boy or a girl?", "would teach him or her how to Net Battle, or would you be too afraid?"…
He had told her that she was important to him. Was… was this her way of returning the sentiment?
"I think… it would be nice," he stumbled. For some reason, he felt compelled to tell her the truth. "If nothing else, it means I could come home to two smiling faces." Being compelled, however, did not make the truth any easier to admit to. His voice got steadily more quiet and slow as the color on his face rose. By the end of his sentence, he was as pink as Roll and nearly inaudible.
"Aah, I suppose," Roll said in a forced casual. "But," her face brightened with a curious look, "what would you do in the morning?"
"The morning?" he questioned. It was obvious what he would do: "Say goodbye to two people."
"No, I mean… don't you think your child would be sad to see you go?"
"Oh." He blinked. "I suppose so. But that's not much of a problem, I could just leave before—" Rockman paused; he remembered the days that Papa left before Netto woke up…
…and vividly remembered Netto crying because he didn't even get a chance to say good-bye.
"I'll just be late to work," he decided, giving a firm nod as though that settled the matter.
Roll hummed a neutral note, but looked pleased.
"What about you, Roll-chan? Would you like a baby?" It struck Rockman that nobody had asked her that either. Everybody, himself included, had been asking "do you want us to get you one?", not "would you enjoy having one?".
"Mm… for the right reasons, yes. I would love to be a mother, so someday I hope I can," she nodded.
"The right reasons?" Rockman asked. "Just wanting one is not enough?"
"Of course not! Wanting one is entirely different from deciding to have one," she answered.
"…it is?"
"It is!" Roll nodded, smiling at his confusion. "Anybody can want a baby, but it takes two people to have one. Well… for humans at least, but…"
This was what Meiru had been saying. More accurately, it was what she thought he was doing wrong in this situation.
"Yes," Rockman nodded. He did not think he was wrong, and decided to test his understanding of it against Roll. "A baby is a sign of devotion, right? It's a commitment to another person."
"Commitment?" Roll gave him a bemused giggle. "Did Netto-san tell you that? I suppose… in a sense, yes. But it's not so stuffy and formal as that!"
Rockman gaped at her. "So… so you don't want commitment?" From the way her mood was progressing, it seemed as though all she needed was somebody to talk to.
"O-oh… me?" Roll bit her lip. She dropped her gaze to the floor and began to trace circles on the ottoman with one finger. "I… I don't know. Meiru-chan and Netto-san… they've chosen to spend the rest of their lives together, haven't they? That's why they have the confidence to have their baby. The bond they share… it's amazing." Roll fidgeted and brought her hands close to her mouth, torn between twiddling them or chewing them. "Even though… even though I'm not human, someday… maybe someone…"As she trailed off, her face went three shades darker. She hastily turned away and buried her face in her gloves. "Kyaa! This is embarrassing… I'm talking nonsense, please don't listen!"
Roll wanted a reason to commit to another person, and it wasn't children. It was love.
Love! It was such an obvious answer, and somehow not at the same time. Meiru-chan, despite everything she'd been going through, had one constant in her life: Netto's love. But for Netto it was such an automatic thing that he probably didn't even realize it. It was for that same reason that Rockman had missed it; they were married, so love was a given.
Rockman told Meiru that he could emulate Netto for Roll's sake; he could become a father and start a family. But Netto had a third title which he did not: husband. Rockman remembered that day well; Netto woke up and out of the blue said, "I should marry Meiru-chan." After a moment of thought, he added, "You know what? I think I will. Rockman, will you help me pick out a ring?" It was an instantaneous decision and, though it took two more weeks for Netto to work up the courage to ask, didn't require much thought. Netto just came to the conclusion that it needed to be done… and did it.
In general, Rockman tried to put more weight behind his decisions, but he was not immune to his Operator's impulsive lifestyle. They'd grown up together, and predictably rubbed off on other another over the years. This was why when Netto suggested buying a baby Navi, Rockman was all for it. He and Roll could buy a child and raise it together alongside their Operators. He hadn't given much though to the "together" part, though. It had seemed like a good idea for Roll, so he glossed over the details and said "yes".
"It's just as important that you decide what you want, Rockman."
Maybe he was underestimating Netto. Netto made snap decisions, but that hardly meant he put no thought into them. He and Meiru dated for close to four years, were obviously in love with one another, and obviously had a future together… So maybe instead of coming to the conclusion that it should be done, Netto decided that he wanted to marry Meiru that morning. And Meiru, already knowing the answer to his proposal, was waiting for him to want to ask it.
Netto and Meiru had made a mutual choice to be together.
"We…" Rockman swallowed hard, "aren't like them, are we?" It was more of a statement than a question.
Roll flinched. After a moment, she dropped her hands and shook her head. "No."
Roll had grown up. She had changed. These last few months, she'd been intentionally distancing herself from him. In other words… she had given up on him. She was trying to let go and was upset that he was finally starting to cling on. That was why she cried. Even if she at one point loved him and was waiting for his decision, it was too late for him to give it now. She wanted to leave.
"Roll-chan, what… what would you do if you found that person?"
"Huh?"
He understood. She was looking for someone special, and for the first time ever, "someone" wasn't an implied "Rockman". From the casual way she'd said it, "someone" could be… could be anybody! Could be Blues, could be Gutsman, Tomahawkman, or even a complete stranger. As laughable as those candidates were, it made them no less plausible. Blues was emotionless; surely he wouldn't tolerate Roll's bubbly personality. That put Searchman out of the running too. Gutsman was just… Gutsman, and…
"What if he lived far away, somewhere like Jawaii? Or Sharro? How could you be with him?"
First and foremost, Roll was Meiru's Navi. She was tied to Meiru's PET, and should Meiru need her for something, it was her job to respond at the drop of a hat. Even with the speed of the internet in this day and age, she would not have an easy time jumping back and forth between far apart places on a regular basis.
Roll was taken aback. "O-oh. I… I'm not sure. But… we would work something out, I guess."
"Even if he were somewhere closer, he couldn't… you wouldn't really be able to live together like a family, so how could you start one?"
"I don't—"
"Would you leave?" The question came out much more rushed than he would have liked, but for some reason Rockman had no desire to try and hide his sudden panic. "Would you leave so you could be with him?"
"Rockman," Roll said, puzzled, I—"
"I don't want you to leave."
Roll stared at him, her mouth still open from being interrupted.
He stared back The threat that Roll could leave him someday was suddenly more than a threat; she was stronger now, and might very well have the power the walk away this instant. This was unacceptable.
"I'd miss you," he blurted out, "I already miss you."
"W-what? I'm right here…"
"No you're not," Rockman shook his head. "You say goodbye when I leave and hello when I come home, but other than that you don't talk to me anymore. We don't do anything together anymore. We hardly even see one another anymore! You've been trying to distance yourself from me… and…"
Roll averted her face.
"Before all of…" he struggled to think of a word that summarized everything, and settled for, "this, we were close, weren't we? We were good partners, but over time we… we became close to one another. I guess I… took it for advantage, because I never really noticed until you left. Now that you're almost gone… I miss you."
Roll understood him. Roll was important to him. Roll had become a constant in his life… and he wanted her to stay that way. Now that he knew this, was it too late?
"Roll-chan…" he began slowly, "you have every right to walk away. If you want to leave, I… I won't stop you." Roll had no reason to stay… no reason to return his feelings. After how ignorant and probably cruel he'd been to her, leading her on for so many years, she deserved to leave. To run away and never look back. "But…"
"You don't want me to leave?" Roll asked softly.
He couldn't force Roll to stay; he should cut their ties with a smile. His brain told him this firmly, and all the same his body shot out a blue glove, palm up, fingers splayed. "I don't want you to leave."
Roll raised her right hand. Delicately, daintily, she let her fingers brush over his palm. When they got to the further end of his hand, her fingers curled. Her palm came down to rest perpendicular on top of his and her thumb wrapped around his own. Hands now one, Roll squeezed. Hard.
She was staying.
Rockman squeezed her hand back, suddenly aware of nothing except the fact that he never wanted to let go.