Meanwhile in "real" life or My excuse for not posting sooner.
I should make one thing perfectly clear though. This has nothing to do with the story. Okay it sorta does but except for it's purpose of being an explaination for where I've been for the past few weeks. It's more of a story within a has plot. It has a climax but it starts off a little slow. You can read this if you really are bored-truly that bored. Or…you could not read it and wait for the next chapter. It doesn't matter what you choose as there is no way of me knowing if you read it or not. If you choose not to, then you can disregard everything you've just read and leave this fifteen year old girls life alone like you should. This chapter is about Homicidal Honey who I think has always been there deep down inside of me.
WARNING: contains references to and or about drug use, violence, cat ninjas, inappropriate gestures, I DO NOT OWN JHONEN VASQEUZ. I do take credit for Homicidal Honey and for trying to make awesome sauce a commonly used turn of phrase.
I pushed my hipster glasses up to the bridge of my button nose and stared down at the computer screen, admiring my work. I had worked SO hard on chapter eleven, it felt like my fingers might fall off. I leaned back onto my elbows and gave a sigh of contentment…that is until.
"Honey?"
"Yes Mom?", I turned around. My mom walked into the room. She had on a pink t-shirt with a v neck with her dark grey sweatpants carrying two cans. She looked from either side and asked, "So chicken and sweet potatoes ooooorrrr chicken and spina-"
She gapped at me open mouth before closing it, raising an eyebrow. I stared back confused then I realized what it was.
I hadn't told her about my hair plans.
"Hope you like that in two weeks." she stared condescendingly at my turquoise head. I looked away and focused on my laptop. She asked again, "When were you planning on telling me about this?"
"I…dunno?" I managed to get out. In my brilliant mind I had somehow managed to convince myself that my mom, who notices EVERYTHING, would not notice I had dyed my hair blue. I wanted to smack myself but I love myself too much for that. I looked at the monitor, and saw my moms reflection leaning on my doorframe. Blushing I said "I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice."
"Permanent or temporary?" she asked quickly.
"Temporary, I'm not that much of an idiot." I snapped.
I should probably explain something about my mother. Lynn Internecine was called Queenie and for good reason. She had a way to make you feel inferior without trying and whenever life threw her for a loop she'd ride that loop like it was a rollercoaster. She's who I based Professor Membrane off of in my series because of her confidence and brilliance. She was, even from looking of her scrap books I found in the attic of her as a baby, and remains to be to this day one word: Star. Which can be hard to live up to.
"I never said you were." Mom said. "Now, chicken with a) sweet potatoes or b)spinach?"
I felt amazed relief flow through me. How could she just move on this easily?-No, Milk IT! MILK IT! "Yeah sure option 'b' sounds great."
"Great! I'm fry up so chicken and then we'll be on our way." She walked out and left me laying confused and alone in my room. My mom…is weirdly….cool. Still weird though. Not as weird as me though but that goes without saying.
I shook it off and went back to typing my story, well if you can consider 'typing my story' staring at the screen trying to find inspiration for chapter twelve. I moaned quietly to myself. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't want to be predictable. "Screw it." I said. I slammed my laptop lid down, got off the bed, changed into denim shorts and slid on a pair of white tennis shoes. Halfway through the door I paused, my fingers gently resting on the knob. I looked back at my computer, an white island resting on the sea of pink blanket-y goodness. Before I could change my mind I grabbed the apple computer and shoved it into my tan news carrier backpack. I clumped down the rickety stairs and calling out quickly, "Going out for a walk don't know when I'll be back probably soon-BYE!"
"Wait! Where are you-" my mom asked stepping out from our closet sized kitchen. Before she could finish I kissed her on the check, reached around grabbed a granny smith and bunch of grapes and ran to the door.
"PARK LATER LOVE YOU BYYE!" I ran outside down the suburban street. Small duplexes lined either side of me as I hurtled down the street. Once I thought I was out of sight, I slowed down and munched on my apple taking in the sights of the neighbor hood (emphasis on hood) and sounds of the birds that managed to sneak into this pit of depressed hope. It was a nice spring day which meant writing the story would be hard to do since it was November in the story. This was getting hard. Who knows who's out there reading my story right now. I don't think important people really read fanfiction looking for the next big author but I'm addicted so whatever. I turned right and kept walking past the high school, past the McD's and made a sharp left at the dog park.
It wasn't a dog park so to speak. It was a glade, a practical meadow from a fairy tale or from one of those Monet/Van Goph paintings. Green grass, freshly clipped, covered the entire area and for every three inches there was a huge patch of buttercups, violets, or miniature daises. Flowering trees like dogwoods, pears, apples, cherry, and even a single magnolia tree (though technically at this stage a bush) were sprinkled here and there far away from each other adding their own sweet smell to the symphony of scents. Rushing water from a large stream that curved and cut straight through the park like a counter clockwise "L" babbled and echoed around the glade, mixing into calls of songbirds, and the laughter of children…and whispered secrets. People were clustered in their own little herds throughout the park. A little blonde girl and her flute teacher sat on a picnic blanket nearby the streams bank closest to me, practicing "Morning Song". In the middle of the glade, a mother was holding her arms open as a toddler waddled over to her, laughing while a father recorded the episode with a camera. Farther off over the black metal bridge, across the stream, a couple sat on a park bench facing the stream, holding hands and leaning against each other warmly. Farther off behind them, a man in a pair of slacks with a plaid t-shirt was taking pictures. Yep, a scene from a fairy tale.
I knew better.
This place was the unofficial border of Potterdale and Shiningtown; anguished/lower/middle class and middle/money-toilet-paper society. This is where CEOs jog there dogs, stoners come to smoke, people are married, cocaine is cracked, children learn to ice skate in the winter when the stream freezes solid, and where the homeless and starving live in the spring through fall under the wide bridge where the rain can't chill them and the fish swim. This is heaven and hell's child come to earth…chaos.
Amazing how deceitful appearances could be, I thought smirking to myself. I walked purposefully into the park following the familiar path and letting my body do it's own thing and my thoughts wander. I said softly to myself, "God, I love it here!"
I sprung across the grass, enjoying the feel of some of the longer grass brush against my bare ankles as I made my way to the bridge. I stooped underneath and looked around. Nope, nada hobos or stoners. I frowned in disappointment. I had been hoping to see Care bear but maybe he'd given up dope or had gone somewhere else for smoking. I didn't like marijuana or that he used it but I did like Care bear. Hopping from stone to stone I crossed to the other side and curled up on my favorite rock; a smooth grey stone high enough from mud and sand, yet right on the rivers edge. I was starting to work on editing chapter 11 and working on chapter 12 when I heard the sound of footsteps in front of me. I looked up…and saw someone I never thought I'd see again. I stood up and waved my arm wildly. "Cammy!"
"Hey!Git your butt ova here so I can kick it!" Cammy spat in mock anger. I smiled as she ran over the bridge, her chin length honey blonde hair swishing into her face with every step. She had on a pair of jean shorts and electric yellow tee paired with her pink and black tennis shoes. She made it across the bridge, stomped up to me with a hurumph. She crossed her arms like she was ticked off at something, "Don't you know-"
"That I'm the luckiest girl ever?" I finished. She smiled and sat down. Cammy's the sweetest blonde you'll ever meet but she lives on the other side of Potterdale. Like the 'as you drive by you look out the window and as soon as you do you lock the doors and roll up the window' kind of weird. She's sweet and funny and probably the strongest person you'll ever meet.
"I was going to say my last day, but sure.", I sat down next to her and we started talking, trying to make it meaningful since it would be our last conversation but eventually we ended up talking about of all things cats.
"I'm just saying cats would make great ninjas." Cammy stressed, exasperated at my refusal to admit defeat.
"And I'm telling YOU that you're crazy." I replied rolling my eyes. "Cats would be to easy to defeat. All you'd need to do is buy a laser pointer pen and boom-too distracted to fight any more."
"Yeah but these are NINJA cats. They'd be trained…" she trailed off and looked around. I looked away and tucked a piece of my blue hair behind my ear. I felt my throat start to feel tight against my will. I swallowed and focused on the sound of the stream and the light ripples made by the sunlight on the water. I asked quietly, not looking at her, "Tell me again…why are you moving?"
I heard her pick up a rock and throw it into the stream. "I told you. Why are you guilt tripping me about this?"
I shrugged, feeling guilty I had even asked. "I don't know. Maybe because you're the best friend I've ever had? Maybe because…I don't want you to go that badly?" I looked up at her. She gave me a puppy dog look and we hugged each other. I pushed away and reached into my backpack excitedly. "Oh shoot, I almost forgot."
I pulled out a necklace with a brown and gold heart attached to it. Her face lit up in a smile as I dangled it in front of her. "Its made of tiger stone or at least I think that's what the lady said it was. I thought 'hey, this goes well with her eyes and hair' and thought about how nice it would go on you, so I got for you. I also saw that there was another one too made of rose quartz so now we both have one." I reached to the pink stone heart around my neck and showed her. Cammy smiled and took it.
"Wow, this is cool. It's all shimmery in the light and stuff." She unlocked the chain and hooked it around her neck, pulling whatever stray hairs out of the way. Adjusting it she looked at me, "How does it look?"
"Awesome" I said smiling. Cam leaned over the stream, checking out how it looked on her for herself. Then something…distracted me. I looked up and saw a guy in a deep dirty green overcoat watching us. I glared at him but he didn't look away. I couldn't put my finger on it but this guy…he looked…familiar.
He looked around thirty something, with oval glasses and dirty white skin that reminded me of pale cocoa powder. His hair was colored red and only the hair on top was spared from a brutal buzz cut around his head. Under the coat he was wearing a black t-shirt and black jeans. I couldn't make out any specific features-he was too far away for that but…good god why did I feel like I knew him? I looked towards Cammy but kept looking at the guy from the corner of my eye. The guy narrowed his eyes as I started talking, "SO, CAM, HOW IS YOUR PONY?-we're being watched."
"She looked up at me with a classic WTF look. "Um. Why?"
"Oh no reason-causewe'rebeingwatched-I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW SUGAR IS DOING." I darted my eyes back and forth between her and the guy. Thankfully Cammy could never be an idiot…point her in a direction and she'll go sprinting. Without moving her head she looked where I was darting at. I took a chance and looked at the guy with her. Carrot top guy was heading our way and he did not look happy. I guessed maybe 30-25 feet before he reached us? I wasn't good at giving numbers on distances. However what happened next made it irrelevant. She fully turned her head towards him with a big smile. She gasped, stood up and started jumping up and down with excitement like a Chihuahua on steroids while I just stared at her in shock.
"OH MY GOD OF FREAKIN AWESOMENESS! HEY, HEY, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY! DON'T MOVE I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE! OH MY GOSH, OMIGOSH!" I shielded my eyes as everyone in the park looked at us. Even the birds had stopped singing. The carrot top guy looked around uncomfortable-almost panicky with the attention. He wheeled around looking over the park before his eyes resting on us. Jeez he seemed as embarrassed as I was. I grabbed Cammys hand and pulled her so hard she bent down to my eye level. I leaned over towards her, my teeth locked into a fake smile, "Cammy, what are you doing?!"
She looked at me in disbelief. "You mean to tell me, that you-Honey Janine Internecine-have no idea…who that man is?!"
"No, I don't-I mean he's sorta familiar but how do you know him?" I asked.
She scoffed, "And you write Invader Zim fanfiction."
Then it clicked. The hair, the coat, the skin, the way he looked at me like he knew more than I do and could already tell I was trouble. I stood up.
"Holy crap! IT'S JHONEN VASQUEZ, LOOK!" I screamed incredulously. As soon as I said that Jhonen froze and pulled a classic 'oh shit' face. It was comical. He turned on heel and started running away towards the base of the stream, near the tunnel. Cammy immediately took off running after him shouting out "Hey wait up!" or "Sign my face!". I however had to wait behind while she ran off ahead. I quickly bent down, stuffed my white laptop into my tan letter carrier back pack and proceeded to run after my best friend. I ran across the bridge, through the meadow, and made it into the mouth of the tunnel. Cammy was inside with Jhonen Vasquez lying on the ground holding onto his ankle for dear life as he tried to shake her off him.
"Please, please, please, please, please sign my face?! Oh pretty, pretty, please sign my face?!" Cammy begged, her grip on his ankle relentless, even as he started dragging his legs in an attempt to get away. He scowled down at her like she was a piece of gum on the bottom of his shoe. "Aww, come on please? What's the big rush?"
"Let go of me demon sewer monkey!" Jhonen Vasquez screamed, his ticked off voice echoing around the concrete walls of the tunnel. I cautiously ran in. The left side was littered with gravel, sand and round skipping stones. The right side was dominated by the stream. "I don't have time for this."
This was perfect. Too perfect. I picked up my pace until I was the safe distance of three feet away. I smiled sheepishly and tucked a piece of blue hair behind my ear. He had given up yelling at my best friend and was instead focusing on getting as far away as possible. I walked right along side him. "Uh ahem, Mr. Vasquez?" I cleared my throat with a cough.
He looked at me in surprise, "What the?"
I steeled my nerves and gushed on quickly, "Um, my name is Honey…I write fanfiction about your characters online. I was wondering-well not really wondering just really curious-about how the Squee movie was going along. Hmm? Maybe you could-I don't know maybe tell you're planning to release it-I swear I won't tell anyone." I crossed my heart to let him know I was serious. He gave out sound of annoyed horror, "What the hell is going on-OH, BLOODY REAM WHERE THE HECK DO YOU GUYS KEEP COMING FROM?! HOLES IN THE GROUND?!"
Like an idiot all I said was, "Excuse me?"
"Ugh, kid, don't get me wrong…I don't want you to think I'm a jerk or anything but…well actually I don't give a shit but-I. Need. To. Go. So," Jhonen stopped and gestured down at Cammy who oblivious to our conversation was still pleading with him, "if you could kindly get your attack monkey off my leg I'd appreciate it."
She looked up at me for the first time. "Oh thank god. Quick get his other leg."
"After you read my fanfiction. Cam don't let go!" I grabbed his arm and started pulling him back. Was this a little desperate and sad to watch… yes. But I was hoping that he'd read my fanfiction and sign my face too. (Ah, obsession.) He scowled at me and was about to speak out when a bright flash of light illuminated the cave. We all turned and looked back the way came and saw the silhouette of a man in the mouth of the tunnel. He was a forty something white guy with a red plaid t-shirt with a pair of tacky slacks. In his hands was a huge camera. I let go of his arm and took a step back.
"Ah, if it isn't my old nemesis" Jhonen asked. He tried to turn but Cammy was still attached to his ankle so he couldn't do much except hobble sideways. He crossed his arms and looked down at Cammy. "Oh, COME ON!"
"It's no use running Vasquez." Camera guy took a few steps forward into the cave. His skin was starting to peel off in flakes as he got closer to us with every step. Cammy let go of Jhonen Vasquez's leg, hauling herself up to her feet. She straightened out her shirt and whispered in my ear, "You see the suburban lumberjack too, right?"
"Only if you can see his skin peeling off too." I said back. I looked over at Jhonen hoping he knew what the fuck was going on here. He just kept on looking at the skin peeling man with this annoyed fascination…like he was watching a breaking news bulletin that had just interrupted his favorite program. I looked back at the skin peeling guy. His skin had flaked off completely but instead of muscle there was another layer of skin. I watched in fascinated horror as his body started contorting and elongating. Layers of fat seemed to disappear, four horns sprouted from his head, and his eyes disappeared from their sockets completely leaving them empty. I nearly screamed as his skin began burning till it was a raw sorely colored red. It wasn't until the eye appeared in the middle of it's forehead that I realized this monster and when I did all fear left me.
"Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, Cammy, do you know what that is?!" I laughed pointing excitedly at the monster before us. The beast stopped, confused by our reaction. It cocked it's head to the side. "Do you know who you are?!" I asked the monster. It slowly shook it's head no. "You're the freaking devil from the MEANWHILE autobiography comic! Your famous!"
"Famous? Ah shit-DAMNIT JHONEN!" the devil cussed at Vasquez, who for the first time looked offended. "YESS! IAM THE DEVIL! AND EVER SINCE THAT ASS JHONEN EVER ILLUSTRATED ME, EVERY JTHM FAN POINTS ME OUTAND TRIES TOTAKE MY PICTURE WITH THEM! IT'S RIDCULOUS, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! JUST FUCKIN' RIDICULOUS! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TRYING TO STEAL SOULS WHEN EVERY OTHER GOTH KID WANTS YOUR AUTOGRAPH! DAMN YOUAND YOUR MIGHTYEYEBALLSEEING ABILITY!"
I looked at him confused, "Uh…what the flup nub are you talking about?"
"You say fuck a lot." Cammy pointed out.
"Look, I don't know why the FCC wants to see me but can't it wait till later?" Vasquez asked politely. Cammy and I looked at each other. We all kinda know deep down in our hearts that the devil works with the government but why would the freakin' FCC want with Jhonen Vasquez. The devil looked at Jhonen Vasquez with utter disgust. I looked past him to where my bag was sitting. If I could just reach my bag I could get out my pocket knife…
"NO IT CAN'T WAIT TILL LATER YOU JACKNUT!" the devil screeched. He reared on his hind legs, bringing him to a full twelve feet, which believe it or not is actually pretty damn tall. "WE CAN DO THIS TWO WAYS JHONEN. ONE WERE WE FIGHT FULTILY AND YOU EVENTUALLY THROW IN THE TOWEL AND COME WITH ME OR ONE WERE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL NOW AND AVOID GETTING YOUR PERDY SHIRT DIRTY!"
"Bring it on! Show me what you got, um…you…stork!" Jhonen reached into his long overcoat and pulled out what looked like the huge heavy end of a dog walking leash out of his pocket. I smiled. Cammy pointed to the dog walking leash thing. "And just what the heck are you going to do? Walk the dog?"
"Shush. Jhonen knows what he's doing!" I chastised. If he did what I thought he was going to do, then we'd be fine. Oh how fine we'd be. More fine than a fat lady in a twinky factory. "GO J.V KICK HIS ASS!"
"I got idea-GO AWAY!"
"Ha. He's such a joker." I elbowed Cammy in the ribs. She squeaked and rubbed them, giving me a death glare. We turned back to the fight. The devil started circling J.V, and finally when I wondered how they hadn't fallen over from dizziness, they charged.
To be continued after chapter 20(if it gets that far.)
-In memory of the best friend I've ever had.
I wish you hadn't moved away,
but I know you had no choice in the matter.
And I am so sorry I
broke my promise and didn't see you off!
Where ever you are…
I hope your life is better there
than when it was here.
If you're reading this…
we miss you and hope your safe.
Every time I listen to
Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons
I think of how it was your favorite song
and I feel a bit better.
I miss you, Cammy!
3
H. H