notes: Set after the Water 7/Enies Lobby Arc. No spoilers, unless you haven't gotten up to...the entire series?

"To Walk the Plank"

It was all over. Robin was back among them, and the Straw Hat Pirates were once again sailing on their merry way.

Well.

Almost merry.

The night was still quite young, yet each member of the ship sat alone. Zoro leaned against the starboard rail, stretched out as if for sleep but not sleeping. Luffy sat cross-legged on the figure-head. Sanji was in the kitchen, putting the dishes away. Usopp tinkered with something in the storeroom. In the men's bedroom, Chopper lay in his hammock, watching the lamp overhead sway back and forth with the motion of the ship. Next door, Nami sat hunched on her bed, a blanket wrapped comfortingly around her. Only Robin slept.

Bellemere, thought Nami, and smiled.

Kuina, Zoro thought grimly. He clutched Wadou a little closer to him.

Mom...Dad...Kaya, thought Usopp. He caressed his trusty slingshot lovingly.

Shitty old man, thought Sanji. A drop of water, suspiciously tear-shaped, fell on the plate. Sanji wiped it away hurriedly.

Doctor...Doctorine..., Chopper thought, and snuffled just a tiny bit.

thought Luffy.

The night passed.

After breakfast the next morning, the still subdued crew gathered around the kitchen table. Luffy spoke first.

"All right," said the black-haired boy, unusually serious. "What has everyone got?"

Sanji cleared his throat. "One time, a customer came to the Baratie," he began. "I remember it so well. He ordered the orange duck and pumpkin soup. I was in charge of soups that day. The pumpkin was amazingly fresh. It had been picked only that morning and specially sent to the ship. The soup was the best I'd ever made. We were short on waiters at the time, so I had to bring the man's orders myself. But I didn't mind. I was so proud of that soup, and wanted to let him know I'd made it myself. I was still young, you see. So I laid the soup down in front of him, walked away, and got started on the other orders. But then, later, after they carried him off to the hospital for emergency treatment, I realized that I had mixed up the customers. I had given the soup to a man who was deathly allergic to pumpkin. I - I never really got over that." He fell silent.

After a minute, Nami touched Sanji's arm. "That's awful, Sanji," she said sympathetically. Sanji swooned.

"Yeah, that was pretty tragic," Luffy conceded. "Okay, who's next?"

Thank God, thought Sanji through his nosebleed.

Nami raised her hand, the one that wasn't being covered in kisses by a still-bleeding Sanji. "My turn. In addition to murdering my foster mother, seriously injuring Mr. Gen, terrorizing the entire island, destroying homes and lives, and holding me in indentured servitude for the best part of my childhood, Arlong also made me scrub the floors every day. Like, every day! The whole building. I mean, there were some rooms we didn't even use! I think that's what really turned me to a life of thieving and blackmail. I just had to channel my resentment, you know?"

"Ooh, me next." Usopp waved an arm in the air. "My dad actually did come home once, a couple of years after Mom died. I ran down to the harbor to meet him. He stepped off the ship, took one look at me, and turned around again. I've never seen an anchor pulled up so quickly!"

"Usopp!" exclaimed Chopper. "That's terrible!"

"Yeah..." Usopp tried his best to look sorrowful but noble. Good thing it's not true, he thought.

"But," the reindeer continued, "it's not as terrible as my story. Every winter in December, Doctor Kureha rented me out to all the towns for their Christmas pageants. And afterwards, when they chased me out of the school auditoriums for being a monster, she wouldn't let me run away until I'd gotten all the money. Now I hate Christmas and my birthday!"

"Oh yeah?" Zoro cut in. "I thought it was bad enough losing Kuina. But the more I traveled in the world, the more I realized that two people died that day: Kuina...and myself." The swordsman crossed his arms and sat back, clearly satisfied.

(Somewhere, in another universe, legions of fangirls paused in their activities to say "Awwwwwwww...!")

They had all spoken. Everyone turned to Luffy to see what he had to say.

Luffy pulled his hat down low over his eyes. A frown creased his face. "Well," he said slowly, "after thinking about it a lot, my decision is...that all of your pasts just aren't tragic enough!" He slammed his hands down on the table. "Robin's tragic past kicks all of your pasts' butts! So, that's why she's the only one who gets to stay. All the rest of you have to shove off."

"WHAT!" Four fists and one foot connected with Luffy's face.

"Look here, Luffy!" Nami stood over him with arms akimbo. "If anyone's leaving this ship, it should be you! We haven't heard a word about your tragic past yet!"

"Yeah." Sanji scowled at his captain. "What's so tragic about being brought up by kind villagers, having a loving older brother, and being given a gift by your childhood idol?"

"Nothing. I'm the captain, so I don't need to have a tragic past," Luffy said. "My memories of childhood are filled with sunshine and good cheer." He looked smug.

A mutinous mutter rose up around the table. Luffy ignored it and said, "Since this is a pirate ship, you have to leave the pirate way. After lunch, you'll all walk the plank while sharks circle the seas beneath and wait to feast on your struggling bodies."

"Luffy," Nami said, exasperated. "We don't have a plank."

"What?" Luffy opened his eyes wide, genuinely startled. "Why not?"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Because we're not that kind of pirates. Until now, anyway," he added under his breath.

Luffy frowned again. "Okay, fine," he said. "Our next crew member is going to be a plank-builder with a really tragic past, one that uses up at least half a day's worth of flashbacks. He's gonna build us a plank, and then you're all going to walk it. Also, we'll have to find some sharks. That okay with you, Robin?" He glanced at the archaelogist.

Robin looked up briefly. "Whatever you like, Mr. Captain." She took a sip of her coffee and returned to her book.