notes: Thanks for all the reviews! They really keep me going, and people's opinions on Vivi were especially interesting. I hope you will continue to indulge my efforts!

"Quick Fix"

The day was sunny and bright, but Luffy could tell that something was wrong. He was the Captain. He knew these things, just like he always knew when it was time for dinner. It wasn't just the smell of meat emanating from the kitchen, or the sound of Sanji getting out the silverware. No. It was something more. It was like...a fifth sense. Yeah. Luffy had a fifth sense about these things. After all, he reasoned, that was why he was the Captain.

And now that extra-special fifth sense was being kicked into high gear. Something - more than the bits of scrap metal hammered onto the mast, more than the patchwork look of the ship's sides, heck, even more than the slightly soggy feel of the men's room deck if he stepped on it wrong - told Luffy what he had long suspected. Maybe it was the leak. It had sprung up from one of the planks as he'd walked past, and the water had hit him in the eye. That was hard evidence, all right, confirming what Luffy had already detected with his fifth sense. A small, rare frown creased Luffy's usual cheerful features.

They were really going to have to do something about Merry. Usopp's quick fixes just weren't cutting it anymore.

Luffy nodded decisively. Then he wandered away to find some food.

In the galley, Sanji swore, treating the sink to the full range of his repetoire. How had the pots gotten crusted over with black gunk? Why was there a horrible smell of tangerines and liver? When had the cheese grater been employed to peel potatoes? And perhaps most importantly, why, two hours after lunch, was he now feeling slightly nauseated? That proved it. That was the last time Sanji let Long-Nose cover meals for him while he took watch duty.

"I have got to find a sous-chef," Sanji muttered to himself around a cigarette. "Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

As Sanji scrubbed away at the ruined pans, Nami and Chopper emerged onto the lower deck from the store room. Their eyes were bloodshot and slightly out of focus. They walked somewhat unsteadily. Spotting Zoro sitting against the prow steps, poring over a newspaper, the navigator and the doctor made exaggerated attempts to appear sober.

"Listen, Chopper," Nami said. She leaned down to whisper in the reindeer's ear, overbalanced, and hit her nose against the brim of his hat instead. "We have got to find a bigger source of mind-altering chemical substances. Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

"Eh? What? What are we talking about?" Chopper gawped up at Nami's face, mere inches from his own. He smiled and pranced ahead a couple of steps. "Ooooh, Nami! I think I see giraffes!"

Nami tiptoed after her partner in crime. Shhh! She didn't want Zoro to know she was there. "You know, Chopperoo, I'm not sure." Nami giggled. She was in her own special happy place. It had treasure, and beer, and a really...hot...stockbroker.

Zoro looked up briefly, snorted derisively at the sight of Nami and Chopper falling about the deck, and went back to his newspaper. "I have got to find a real boyfriend," the swordsman muttered as he leafed through the Personals. He didn't notice the sniper's footsteps on the stairs behind him. "Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

"ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT!"

Zoro whirled around, lost his balance, and tumbled ungracefully but manfully onto the deck. Elsewhere, the others poked their heads out of doors or raised them from drugged stupors to see what the shouting was about.

Usopp was standing on the prow deck, eyes ablaze, hair frizzier than usual, his whole body trembling with righteous indignance. He was as angry as they'd ever seen him. Usopp paused a bit, daunted even in his fury to have the full attention turned upon him, but rallied again to shout, "How many times have I told you! Don't complain to me if things on board aren't as perfect or professional as you'd like! I'm doing the best I can, you know!" He glared at Luffy. "I am not a shipwright!"

He glared at Sanji. "I am not a chef!"

He glared at Chopper and Nami. "I am not a seasoned dealer of mind-altering chemical substances!"

He glared at Zoro. "As for you, I am insulted that you think I'm some kind of cheap one-night stand! I'll have you know, when I was traveling around the world in a hot-air balloon, I met the King of the Purple-Bearded Giants, and he was so impressed with my wit and prowess in both battle and bedroom that he begged me to stay with him as his lover slash mentor! I am not floozy you can pick up and drop at will, Roronoa Zoro! I am the Great Captain Usopp, and I am the best damn boyfriend you're ever likely to get!"

Completely run out of breath, Usopp continued to hold his ground at the top of the stairs, chest heaving, staring balefully at his companions. For their part, they remained silent as their imaginations tried and failed to picture Usopp as a lover slash mentor to a King of any color-bearded giants. On the other hand, the effort sobered Nami and Chopper up immediately.

The silence stretched and grew, until finally a piece of the mast fell off and knocked Zoro out cold.

Sanji took a drag on his cigarette. "Man, we have really got to do something about this ship," he said. "No offense, Usopp, but your quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

It all ended, predictably enough, in tears.

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notes: Uh, yeah, I like how it started out as a joke about all the "Usopp's quick fixes..." lines in fanfics, and became an account of Zoro and Usopp's tabloid love affair. Still, I enjoy the idea of Zoro perusing the Man Seeking Man ads in search of that Special Someone. "Multiple weapons preferred; must like scars."