notes: For maximum effect, read these to yourself in a very sarcastic voice. You could read them out loud in a very sarcastic voice too, but people tend to worry when they catch other people talking aloud to themselves sarcastically. But maybe that sort of thing doesn't bother you.

"Sunny Days Aboard the Going Merry"

It was a sunny day on the Grand Line. It was also a sunny day aboard the Going Merry.

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It was a sunny day aboard the Going Merry. Suddenly, Luffy fell overboard, setting off a series of hilarious screwball hijinks.

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It was a peaceful, breezy day aboard the Going Merry. Nami was in her orange grove, thinking about what a nice, peaceful, breezy day it was. Aboard the Going Merry, that is. Suddenly, she heard her crewmates below her in the galley, engaging in what sounded to the innocent ear like sexual inneundo. A hilarious comedy of errors ensued.

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It was a peaceful, sunny, normal day aboard the Going Merry. Everybody was doing their own thing. Luffy was eating. Zoro was sleeping. Nami was mapping. Sanji was cooking. Robin was reading. Chopper was doctoring. Usopp was inventing. In Arabasta, Vivi was princessing. Cobra was kinging. Pelu was flying. Chaka was guardianing. Coza was rebelling. Igaram was sagely protecting. Elsewhere on the Grand Line, Shanks was bad-assing. Ben was long-sufferinging. Ace was aceing. Smoker was smoking. Tashigi was tripping (over things). Hina was authoritating. In East Blue, Nojiko was fussing. Genzo was grizzling. Kaya was recuperating. Zeff was stumping. Makino was...need I go on?

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It was just a normal day aboard the Going Merry. Suddenly, a beautiful girl fell from the sky onto the deck. Everyone crowded around her and exclaimed over her beauty. The concept of television was introduced into the OnePieceverse, a particular plot device which has never made much sense to this narrator.

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It was just a normal day at Going Merry High School. Zoro couldn't wait to learn about the Pythagorean Theorum! Oh my god who was he going to ask to the prom?

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It was another beautiful, summer-like day aboard the Going Merry. Suddenly, a beautiful, green-haired, golden-eyed, dimple-cheeked, snub-nosed, rosy-lipped girl with an anatomically implausible figure fell from the sky. Unfortunately, the spot of sky from which she fell was a good mile away from the ship. The girl landed in the ocean and drowned. Everyone watched for a while before losing interest and going back to doing their own thing. Luffy ate. Zoro slept. Nami mapped. Sanji...

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It was another beautiful, summer-like day aboard the Going Merry. Suddenly, Luffy and his crew saw three figures swimming desperately along the side of the ship! They looked like they needed rescue! Oh my goodness! It was Lucy Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, and their cousin Eustace! The three children were extremely disppointed to find that the ship full of pirates was not the Dawn Treader. A hilarious comedy of errors ensued as Christian allegory met slapstick.

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It was yet another sunny day aboard the Going Merry. Suddenly, a storm blew up and threw Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji overboard. They drowned. Back on deck, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, and Robin shed a few tears. Then they groused about how they never got to die tragic deaths and be mourned via angsty introspective vignettes. Seriously. What was up with that?

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Short three crew members and a sunny sky, the remaining Straw Hat Pirates set course for the nearest port. They settled down and penned a collective memoir: "Why Don't I Ever Get To Die?"

It was a best-seller and topped the literary charts. Then one day Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji showed up again, not dead after all and very put out that they were not being appropriately mourned via angsty introspective vignettes. Nami, Usopp, Chopper, and Robin, who were in the middle of negotiating a movie deal, found that instead of a magical night at the Oscars, they had some major 'splaining to do.

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notes: According to Wikipedia (which I sometimes trust and sometimes do not), The Chronicles of Narnia are not allegorical tales as commonly assumed, since they contain literal representations of Christian mythology and not figurative ones. While I basically agree with this statement, I chose to go with "Christian allegory." "Aslan as the literal, not figurative, representation of Christ met slapstick" didn't pack quite the same punch.

Chopper never gets to die a tragic death. He's always the one going crazy or having nightmares or tugging at the readers' heartstrings like a poor abandoned puppy after someone else's death. Whatever. He doesn't need your pity! He can get himself killed as well as any man!