notes: This isn't really a parody. It's just silly. Also, I forgot to say this before, but I quite agree with Charlett: if the One Piece turns out to be something lame like 'friendship' (or worse, a mirror), strongly worded letters will be written. I am far too old and jaded for morals.

"Shaving Incident"

Nami banged on the bathroom door.

"Come out this instant!" she called in her most threatening voice. "I need to shave my legs!"

The person in the bathroom ignored her and carried on singing. Nami grit her teeth in frustration. It wasn't even as though it was a good song, she thought resentfully. Jailhouses. Rocks. Getting kicked. What the hell kind of song was that? Nami flounced her back against the wall and sighed. Loudly. Pointedly. The singing continued.

Zoro ambled in from the deck and scratched his head at the sight of Nami on the outside of the bathroom door. "There's a line?" he asked irritatedly. "But I need to shave my legs."

Nami jerked a crabby thumb over her shoulder. "Not before me, you don't," she growled.

Zoro glared, but took a seat beside her without a word. It was too early in the morning to argue. He frowned. "Why would anyone wear blue shoes?" he demanded. "And why would anyone drink liquor from an old fruitjar? That's disgusting."

"Right, because you're really discriminating about your liquor," Nami shot back. She bent down to scratch at the stubble on her calf, just as Zoro was reaching down to do the same. They glared daggers at each other.

"Shit, is there a line?"

Temporarily distracted, the navigator and the swordsman looked up to see Sanji, smoking his first cigarette of the day and looking none too pleased. "I need to shave." He pulled importantly on the tiny patch of golden fuzz on his chin.

Zoro said, "Take a number, lousy-ass cook. I need to shave my legs first."

"Not before I shave mine," Nami said flatly.

Sanji forgot about his fuzz and immediately turned weak-kneed and servile. "But Nami, my dewdrop of perfection," he cooed, "surely you know that you're beautiful even when your legs are as bristly as a pig's back-"

"Excuse me?"

As Zoro guffawed in the background, Nami raised her razor as if to personally deliver Sanji into a world of pain. Luckily for the cook, at that moment the bathroom loiterer squawked out a high note, causing all three of them to wince.

Sanji went up to the door and kicked at it a few times. "Hurry it up, jerk!" he yelled. "There are ladies waiting out here with legs to shave!"

"Ladies?" said Zoro pointedly.

"Ladies," Sanji repeated firmly. "One of whom bears a strong resemblance to a constipated rhinocerous -"

"WHAT."

The argument between cook and first mate was drowned out by a wobbly but enthusiastic voice begging them not to be cruel to a heart that was true.

"Aw man, is there a line?"

The three would-be shavers turned around, only to be greeted with a rather alarming sight. Usopp had joined them. The long-nosed boy was scratching absently at his jaw. Which was covered with thick bristle. They looked down. Short curls were sprouting from Usopp's chest. Even further down, his legs were covered with black stubble.

"I need to shave," Usopp explained.

Nami looked at Usopp's skinny but decidedly hairy chest. Her gaze traveled to Zoro, then to Sanji. Both of their muscled, toned pectorals were naked as a baby's bottom. The ginger-haired navigator smirked.

"What?" asked Zoro suspiciously.

"Nothing," Nami said innocently. Whistling, she went back to pounding on the bathroom door.

Reflexively, and trying to look as though they weren't, Zoro and Sanji crossed their arms over their chests. They looked accusingly at Usopp.

The sniper wasn't paying attention. He was more focused on the sight of Chopper dashing in from the deck. "Sorry," said Usopp, holding up a hand. "There's a line. I need to shave."

"I've got things to shave, too!" Sanji snapped. "Er, I mean, so do I. Need to shave."

"I need to shave more than you need to shave!" interjected Zoro. He rubbed a hand over his own jaw, but stopped when it failed to produce the proper rasping sound. "Anybody can shave his face," he muttered. "It takes a real man to shave his legs."

Nami glared at all of them over her shoulder. "No one's shaving before me," she stated. "I've been listening to this idiot sing for two hours now!"

"Well, I don't need to shave!" Chopper broke in. He pulled down on his hat and did an anxious little dance. "I just really, really need to pee. Luffy, pleeeaaaase hurry up!" he called desperately. "I can't hold it much longer!"

"I told you you should have gone before we left," Usopp said automatically.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Zoro frowned. His brows were furrowed in the Life Lesson-Dispensing Authority Figure expression that Chopper had come to respect and somewhat dread. He remembered what'd happened the last time Zoro had decided to teach him how to eat like a man.

"Just go in the ocean," the swordsman said now.

Chopper blanched. "In the ocean?" he squeaked. The little reindeer really, really admired Zoro for being so cool and tough, but he wondered if this wasn't a little too tough. Even machismo had its limits.

From his disgusted expression, it appeared that Sanji agreed with him. "Can't you even pretend to be civilized, Marimo?" the cook muttered around his cigarette.

Zoro ignored him. "It all ends up there anyway," he said. He jerked his head towards the bathroom door. "Besides," he continued, "Luffy's not coming out anytime soon. Not if he's singing about shaking up volcanos."

"But what if somebody sees me?" Chopper wailed.

"We haven't passed a ship for days," Zoro argued. "Who's going to see you?"

"Actually," Nami and Usopp started at the same time. They glanced at each other, then Nami gracefully acquiesced. Usopp continued, "Wouldn't that mean it's more likely that someone will see him? When have we ever gone more than a few days without passing a ship?"

"No." Zoro's eyebrows beetled together even further. "No, it would not."

"Oh," said Usopp weakly. "Okay."

Nami rolled her eyes.

Chopper wavered. Peeing in the ocean was really, really gross. But he really, really needed to go. And Zoro was counting on him to do the manly thing. He really, really didn't want to let Zoro down. Chopper turned and ran out of the hold as fast as his short reindeer feet would carry him.

"I don't wanna be a tiger," came Luffy's nasal voice from the bathroom. "'Cause tigers play too rough."

"I swear to God." Sanji stubbed his cigarette out on the cannon. "If I didn't like this song so much, I would so kick that idiot's ass."

Out on deck, Chopper was standing on the rail, relieving himself with considerable relief. Too late, he raised his head to see the Marine ship pulling up alongside.

Smoker was standing at the side of his ship, frozen in the act of raising an arm to call for his men. The Marine Colonel stood, transfixed, at the sight of the reindeer - at least, he thought it was a reindeer, but what was it doing wearing pants? - standing upright, in a hat, and emitting a graceful arc of yellow liquid into the briny depths below.

"Tashigi," Smoker finally managed.

The bespectacled young woman was at his side instantly. "Yes, sir?" She saluted.

Smoker did not take his eyes off the reindeer who, in turn, was staring back at him in helpless terror. "Get me a bottle of whiskey."

"Sir?" There was the faintest hint of disapproval in Tashigi's voice. "Shouldn't we be arresting the Straw Hats?"

"Dammit, Tashigi, we've got our whole lives to arrest the Straw Hats!" Smoker roared. "I need that whiskey now!"

"Sir!" Tashigi ripped off another salute and ran below deck to fetch the Colonel his drink. The Straw Hats' ship pulled past Smoker's own and sailed off into the distance. If Smoker twitched his gaze to follow it, he could just make out the reindeer-thing finishing his business and toppling backwards onto the deck in a dead faint.

(In later years, Smoker became known as 'Drinker' and would relate to anyone within earshot intoxicated stories of hatted, panted reindeers piddling into the sea. His audience always shook their heads and whispered sympathetically about the horrors of the Grand Line.)

Back in the Going Merry's storage deck, the navigator, the first mate, the sniper, and the cook had given up all hope of shaving ever again. Nami, Usopp, and Zoro were sitting against the wall, comparing leg hair. Sanji was sitting on the cannon, fingering his chin fuzz to reassure himself it was still there.

In the bathroom, Luffy slapped some more of Sanji's hair gel onto his hair and molded the black locks into a slick pompadour. He stepped back and nodded in satisfaction at his reflection in the mirror. Waggling his eyebrows, he curved his upper lip in a sneer that, in another time and place, would have had women swooning at his feet and men writhing in jealousy.

"Thank you," Luffy murmured, and sneered again. "Thank you ver' much." He winked and swiveled his hips a bit.

Oh yeah. It was good to be King.

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notes: Zoro has smooth legs, while Oda makes it a point to draw Sanji with stubbly ones. Just thought that was interesting. Also, there is no way Usopp can have that much hair on his head without being quite hairy elsewhere as well. My guess is, he spends hours in the bathroom with his good friend Mr. Razor.

Bonus points if you can guess the songs :)