"To Walk the Plank: part 2"

The silence in the galley was broken only by the sound of Luffy's occasional sobbing.

The girl known as Red(alinethana del Fynallalinga) sat at the kitchen table sipping tea, her posture somewhat undecided between hardened mercenary and blushing virgin maiden. Clustered around her, the members of the Straw Hat Pirates fiddled with their own mugs. Except for Zoro, who remained standing with his back against the wall, casting anxious looks at his distraught captain every once in a while.

"So...Red." Nami leaned forward. "You say you were sold into a mercenary gang at the age of six."

"Yes, because my parents were viciously murdered by the Satanic Cult Pirates." Red dabbed at her eyes with fingers that were both delicate and strong, capable of twisting a man's neck with the lightest touch. Her eyes were amazing; no one had ever seen their like before, not even Robin, who found herself inexplicably drawn to this strange girl. One of Red's eyes was gold, the other, silver. When questioned, she explained simply that one eye saw old friends of the past, while the other looked forward to new ones of the future. But which eye was which, she refused to say.

Red had not gotten her name from the color of her eyes, or even from the androgynous shortening of her much longer, emphatically feminine given name. No; the nickname came from the scarlet hue of her fingernails. It was a good color for her, and complemented the delicacy of her ivory skin. Some rumors had it that Red dipped her fingers in the blood of her enemies to achieve that color. Others maintained that she was forced to apply a fresh coat of varnish every five days, to prevent chipping.

"And is it really true," Chopper chimed in, "that the mercenaries taught you how to use every weapon in the world?"

Red nodded gravely. "Yes, it is. The mercenaries hired themselves out to bounty hunters, so we had to be prepared for every possibility when facing pirates. Some pirate crews use only axes, or shuriken, and so forth. There was one crew who fought exclusively with hatpins." She shuddered involuntarily at the memory. The Straw Hats could tell that it was one which still haunted her dreams.

"So you became a master at weapons..." Usopp prompted, not unjealously.

"Yes. I became especially adept at the ten-sword style, which is practiced by no one else in the world."

"Why not?" Nami asked.

Red was silent for a long time before answering. "When I was thirteen, the Satanic Cult Pirates appeared again, slaughtering my master and the rest of the mercenary crew," she said reluctantly.

"But I thought by the time you were eleven you had surpassed your master in skill and strength," said Nami, ever the cruel interrogator.

"I had!" Red said a little huffily. "But I was so distraught at the sight of my parents' murderers again that I was unable to save anyone. I only barely escaped with my own life," she added pointedly. Sanji got the hint and immediately started working on a comforting, sympathetic after-tea snack.

Chopper said, trying to smooth the situation over, "So then you began traveling the world..."

"Yes. During my travels, two years ago, I met a man." Red paused. "Roronoa Zoro." She paused again. "The man who even now stands with his back against the wall, casting anxious looks at his distraught captain."

Despite themselves, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, Sanji, and yes, even Robin turned their heads to look. Just as Red had said, Zoro was there, with his back against the wall. He was anxious. Luffy was distraught. It was all true.

"What happened when you met Zoro?" Chopper asked breathlessly, even though Red had told them not half an hour before.

"Traitor," Zoro muttered.

Red graciously ignored this remark and continued with her story. "We fought," she said simply. "I won. I have come here today to honor the rematch which Roronoa Zoro requested upon his defeat."

In the corner, Luffy's sobs grew louder. Five pairs of eyes, meanwhile, turned to Zoro accusingly. He did his best to avoid them.

"Didn't you lose three years ago to that green-haired girl who was here yesterday, too?" Nami asked the swordsman.

"I-"

"How 'bout that girl with the braces who was here last week? Didn't you tell us not to fight her because she was famous among bounty hunters for being the fiercest warrior in all four Blues, and you should know because you lost to her once?" added Usopp.

"But -"

"And the lovely angel who graced us with her divine presence the week before that. Didn't you say that her bounty wouldn't fit on a single Wanted poster and was rendered only as 'n squared where n equals infinity' and that not even Dracul Mihawk had been able to defeat her?" Sanji looked up briefly from setting a delicacy in front of Red.

"So?" Zoro sputtered. "That doesn't prove anything!"

"Zooooo-oooroooooooo...!" When Luffy finally spoke, his voice bordered on downright anguish. "You said you never lost!"

"No, I didn't," Zoro corrected. "I said I wouldn't lose again after the fight with Mihawk. Anything that happened before that doesn't count!"

"That's not much better!" Luffy wailed, and started flailing about on the kitchen floor.

"For once, I agree with Luffy." Nami crossed her arms over her chest. "The fact remains that you, Roronoa Zoro, are not the terrible, superhuman Demon Pirate Hunter you were advertised to be. We've met dozens of girls on the Grand Line now, and you've been beaten by every single one! What gives?"

Zoro tried, and failed, to stare down his hostile crewmates. "All right!" he burst out finally. "I spread those rumors! I paid Yosaku and Johnny to do the grunt work while I came in at the last minute and claimed the glory! Every townsman and pirate in East Blue got 100 Beri each time they said the words 'Demon Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro' aloud! 200 if they said it when I wasn't around! I am a big, fat, fradulent first mate!"

"I don't want a fradulent first mate!" Luffy sobbed. "Especially not one who has trouble maintaining a healthy lifestyle!"

"Exactly." As Nami spoke, everyone followed her example and folded his or her arms or hooves. "You must admit, Zoro, that we can't really afford to keep someone like you around. Being a lousy swordsman posing as the next Dracul Mihawk is one thing; being visited by a constant stream of past victors is quite another. Sorry, Zoro, but you leave us no choice." The navigator glanced around the room. "All in favor of making fradulent First Mate Roronoa Zoro walk the plank, say 'aye.'"

A chorus of "Aye!"s, one hiccuped and coming from the direction of the floor, echoed around the small galley.

"You can't make me walk the plank," Zoro said exasperatedly. "We still don't have a plank."

A second chorus, this time of disappointed "Oohh...he's right"s sounded.

"I want a plank builder!" Luffy whimpered. "I want a plank!"

A moment of uncertainty lingered in the air. Red, who had not spoken during the entire exchange, now spoke. "Perhaps," she suggested tactfully, fully aware of the delicate situation in which she found herself embroiled, "Zoro could wait in the bathroom until a plank builder is found?"

There was yet a third chorus of "Good idea!"s. Fraudulent First Mate Roronoa Zoro was hauled off, protesting, to the bathroom by Sanji and Usopp.

Red coughed. Everyone who was left in the room turned to look at her. Even Luffy raised his tear-streaked face up off the floorboards to peer blearily at the strange-eyed beauty.

"I heard," she said tentatively, "that you were looking for a musician a while back. Before they were cruelly slaughtered by the Satanic Cult Pirates, the mercenaries taught me to play the ukelele. If you're still looking, and if it'd be all right..." She trailed off hopefully.

Nami gave the girl her warmest smile. "Oh, sweetheart," the orange-haired navigator began, "Of course it's not all right!"

Red blinked at her. "Er...what?" She smiled uncertainly. "I think I misheard you. It's...not all right?"

"Nope!" Nami replied cheerfully. "Just because we're bitterly disappointed in Zoro doesn't mean we want you, you know. There is simply no way you're joining this crew." The others nodded their agreement, each privately glad Sanji wasn't here to protest.

"Well, how do you plan to stop me?" Red asked challengingly. "I am the greatest weaponsmaster of our age! I use ten swords! My bounty is n cubed where n is equivalent to infinity. You couldn't possibly hope to win in a fight against me." She glared at the crew.

"I know that," Nami said, unperturbed. "That's why I put arsenic in your tea." She flashed another radiant smile at Red. "5,000 beri for the antido...oh, too late."

As Red(alinethana del Fynallalinga)'s lifeless body crashed down onto the table, Robin said approvingly, "You're a bad girl, Miss Navigator." It was her only line.

-----
notes: So...I would dearly love to see the Satanic Cult Pirates appear in the canon. They would have the best Jolly Roger ever! It is really amazing the number of OCs whom Zoro has fought in the past. It seems he has gone against half the female population of East Blue...and lost. While I don't want to poo-pooh the writing of strong, physically capable female characters, having any OC be better than a Straw Hat in their respective skills rather undermines one of the basic premises of the series.

Besides, as Nami, Usopp, and Chopper demonstrate, a person doesn't have to be physically strong to be a vital part of the OP-verse. Why has, for example, no one created a female OC who exels in math and science? Or who is an aspiring geologist? Environmental conservationalist? Future diplomat? Plank builder extraordinaire?

Anyway, next time: most likely the conclusion of emo!Nami and the whirlpool of despair. Yaaa...aay.