notes: I think most of these stories have been less 'parody' and more 'mockery.' This chapter is actually kind of a parody because I used a scene from C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair to set up a scene here. Except the parodying scene is the least funny bit of this chapter. Oh, the irony! I cry.

"A Whirlpool, a Mauloseum, and a Natural Limestone Cavern: part 3"

The next few moments were tense, as Sanji, Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp huddled around the galley door and hissed out an argument amongst themselves.

"How do you know it's not Nami?" Sanji was whispering heatedly.

"Because -"

"Yeah, she sure looked real when I was kissing her!" Luffy said.

Sanji grit his teeth. "Will you shut up about kissing Nami?" he snapped at his Captain. He grabbed Usopp by the nose and pulled him close. "Come on, crap liar," he said. "You'd better have very, very good evidence to back up your dastardly accusations."

Usopp squawked and tried to pull himself free, in vain. "I don't know what she really is," he said somewhat indistinctly. "All I know is that she's taken on Nami's form and hidden the real Nami somwhere, and she's planning on sucking out all of our souls by making us act contrary to our natures, so much so that we forget who we really are, and she'd going to feed our souls to her own power, and then use that power to take over the world!"

"How do you know?" Zoro asked suspiciously. Sanji kicked him for copying his line, but the swordsman ignored him. "I didn't see you having a heartfelt conversation about Nami's cavern of despair."

"The Great Captain Usopp never reveals his sources," The Great Captain Usopp said with as much dignity as he could muster in his current position.

"In other words," Sanji said, letting go of Usopp's nose at last, "you made it up."

"I did not!" Usopp shot back indignantly. "After I saw Luffy kissing her, I thought something really weird was going on. I mean, since when does Luffy kiss things? And since when does Nami let herself be kissed? And since when does Zoro like to talk about feelings? And since when does he talk to Nami about feelings? It just didn't make sense. So I went up to that...that...Not-Nami, but before I could say anything, she turned around and said, 'Usopp, I like you, but I don't like like you. Let's just stay friends.'" The sharpshooter paused dramatically, aware that he held his audience's full attention. "And that's when I knew."

Luffy nodded sagely. "That's a pretty clear rejection, all right," he said. "I'dve spotted it, too."

"No!" Usopp glared at Luffy. "I mean, yes, but...no. The point is, the real Nami would have known better than to spurn the company of the Great Captain Usopp!"

This point was heard, considered, and then politely ignored.

"So..." Zoro scratched his head. "That's not Nami."

"No."

"And Nami's not actually stuck in a cavern of despair, because that's not Nami, and I'm missing a part of my soul."

"Right."

Zoro brooded about this for a while. The others watched him. Finally, the swordsman stood up. He took the green bandana off his arm and tied it around his head. His hand strayed to the hilts of the swords at his hip. "The only way to stop her," he declared, "is to cut off her head."

"WHAT!" The heel of Sanji's shoe caught Zoro straight in the face.

Zoro brushed it off, revealing a fevered, slightly crazed gleam in his eye. "Look at it this way," he countered. "If it's not Nami, I'll rid the world of a great evil. If it is Nami, I'll rid myself of that stupid debt. It's a win-win situation, really."

Sanji go to his feet threateningly. "I won't let you hurt a hair on her head!" he declared.

"Hey, crap cook. Weren't you listening? That's not Nami. According to Longnose here, it might not even be human."

"I don't care! She looks like Nami and she hasn't kicked me in the crotch yet! That's good enough for me!" He prepared to dash outside, determined to either protect the Nami look-alike from his deranged crewmate, or throw himself in her arms, whichever opportunity presented itself first.

"Hey!" The back of Luffy's arm connecting solidly with his spine stopped Sanji abruptly and painfully in his tracks. The hatted boy ignored him as he doubled over, groaning and cursing in alternate breaths. "Not-Nami's saying something to Chopper!" Luffy's arm continued its sweep to point out at the deck.

No-Nami had descended from the ship's prow and walked over to the diminuitive rendeer while they had all been arguing. Now she was sqatting down by his side, her face earnest. Sanji could just make out the shimmer of tears in Not-Nami's beautiful eyes as the rays of the afternoon sun caught their liquid brilliance.

"Stop her!" Usopp shrieked, forgetting to keep his voice down. "If Chopper talks to her, he's done for!"

"Right!"

Before Sanji could stop him, Luffy was stretching out his arms and extending them to the two figures on the deck. He grabbed Chopper and snapped his arms back. Chopper sailed through the air and into the galley with a startled scream.

"Shhh!" Usopp hissed - rather hypocritically, Sanji thought - as Luffy dumped the ship's doctor on the floor, still shrieking. "We had to get you away or else Not-Nami would have sucked out your soul!"

"What are you talking about!" Chopper gasped. "Nami was just talking about how sad she was and how her soul was like a tundra of despair. I was going to --"

"Dammit!" Zoro's outburst cut off the rest of Chopper's words. "She's changed her battle tactics," the swordsman said grimly. "Now she's trying to trap us using horrifically infinite spaces of despair. That...that..." He fell into a seething silence as he failed to conjure up the appropriate words to describe Not-Nami's evilness.

Usopp pointed a trembling arm out the door. "And she's coming right this way!" he quavered.

Involuntarily, all of them, even Sanji, even Zoro, began backing further into the room. It was no use. Not-Nami continued her steady advance, crossing the deck, climbing the stairs, stepping softly across the threshold. Like molasses, Sanji thought. Fashionable, shapely molasses.

Zoro growled as Not-Nami came into the room. "One more step, witch," he warned, "and I'll have your damn head off. I'm nobody's emotional support."

"Oh, Zoro." Not-Nami smiled. She looked tragic and brave. "I'm not going to hurt you. All ever I wanted from you - from all of you - was love and understanding. Why don't we all sit down and talk about this?" As if obeying her command, the rest of the crew found themselves moving towards the table.

"No," Usopp said weakly, even as he slid into a seat opposite Zoro. "Don't talk to her..."

But he wasn't fast enough to stop Luffy from asking from the seat beside him, "Who are you?"

Not-Nami drew herself up to her full height. Even if she was an imposter, Sanji thought she was the loveliest person trying to suck out his soul and reason for being that he'd ever met. "I am the Light and the Darkness," Not-Nami said distantly. Her voice sounded like starlight. "The Beginning and the End. The Alpha and the Omega. The --"

"Hamburger and the french fries?" Luffy chimed in helpfully.

Not-Nami looked at him coldly. "No."

"The sword and the scabbard?" Zoro said.

"No."

"The starting line and the finish line?" said Chopper.

"No," said Not-Nami testily. "I am --"

"The appetizer and after-dinner coffee!"

"The hammer and the nail!"

"The udder and the milk!"

"Hahaha, gross."

"No! I'm not any of those things!" Not-Nami screamed at them. She suddenly looked a lot less tragic and a lot more menacing. Kind of like the real Nami at her worst. Best, Sanji corrected himself. Angriest, anyway. "Only the things that I, specifically, have stated!" Not-Nami continued. "And it doesn't matter anyway." She glared at them as they huddled around the galley table. "You've already stumbled into my trap and there is no way to escape!"

"What! No, we haven't!" said Zoro indignantly.

"Yeah!" Luffy added. "I didn't even see a trap!"

"Stop!" Usopp gestured frantically at his shipmates. "Don't talk to her!"

Ignoring him, Not-Nami began advancing on the crew, a sweet smile on her dainty lips. She asked Luffy, "And just where is this trap that you didn't see?"

Luffy pointed vaguely. "I think it was over there."

Everybody, some of them in spite of themselves, turned their heads to look. "Yeah Luffy I think you're right," said Zoro. "Wait. I didn't mean to say that."

"What did you mean to say, Zoro?" Not-Nami asked silkily.

"Uhh I dunno." Looking a mixture of astonishment and outriage, Zoro clamed a hand over his mouth, but they all heard him mumble through his fingers, "You sure are smart Nami."

"Yeah Nami you're the best," stated Luffy.

Chopper's furry features were worried, but his voice was a flat monotone as he said, "Wait Luffy and Zoro what are you saying you never talk to Nami like that."

"But they will from now on." Not-Nami looked around the table. "As will all of you. You will talk to me however I want you to talk, and it won't matter who says what, because it will all be about me. And once you've given your souls to me, you will help me gather more souls, until I have the whole world talking about and to me! Only me!" She threw back her head and laughed.

"No..." Chopper was visibly struggling against Not-Nami's words. "I...I don't want to have my soul sucked out! I have to find the medicine that will cure every sickness in the world!'

Not-Nami stopped laughing. She turned to him and opened her eyes wide. "A medicine that will cure every sickness?" she repeated in astonishment. "But what one medicine could do that? What would it look like?"

"I...I don't know..."

"Then how do you know it exists?"

"Maybe...maybe..." Chopper struggled to get the words out, "you'd have to make it..."

"Silly Chopper," Not-Nami said. "There's no such thing as a medicine that can cure everything. Only a mystical healing power can do that. And I have that power."

"You do?"

"Yes." Not-Nami smiled. "So you see, you don't have to bother with your quest anymore. You don't even have to be a doctor. If someone needs to be cured, I'll do the curing. Okay?"

Chopper nodded obediently, his eyes glazed. "Okay."

Nami walked over to him and stroked his fur. "Good."

"You - you can't..." Zoro said, though he sounded uncharacteristically uncertain. "I've gotta find Mihawk...be the strongest swordsman..."

"But, Zoro, I'm the strongest swordswoman in the world," Nami said gently. "And I've already beaten Mihawk. You couldn't possibly hope to win against me."

"But Kuina..."

"Kuina," Not-Nami said firmly, "is a type of fruit."

Zoro repeated, "Kuina is a type of fruit." He looked faintly puzzled by his own words, but after a minute he settled in his seat and went to sleep.

Something was bothering Sanji, but he couldn't get his mind properly focused enough to figure out what it was. Everything Not-Nami said made sense. Sanji was perfectly happy, even under normal circumstances, to make his every word about and to Nami. But something was still wrong. What was it? Sanji couldn't concentrate. His last, dazed thought as Not-Nami advanced on him was, I knew it. Kuina is a type of fruit.

- - - - -
notes: Oh my goodness! Things have taken a turn for the sinister. Even so, I think more people should phrase their omnipotence as "the hamburger and the french fries." Such a good way to breathe new life into fantasy and video game villains. Anyway, it appears that most people would go for the natural limestone cavern of despair. I'd have to say I agree. What a good way to use our natural resources without disrespecting them. Please give feedback, throw cyber-peanuts, whatever you like :D