Bah. My broswer is being wonky and won't let me finish making a new story. So I'm adding this in here, even though it doesn't really fit in. Please read and enjoy regardless --;

"The Five Little Pirates"

Once upon a time there were five little pirates: four little boy pirates and a pretty little piratess. The five little pirates all lived on a ship called the Going Merry, and most of the time they were very happy together.

It was the little piratess's job to make maps, to show where the little pirates were going and where they had come from. The little piratess was very good at making maps and she took her job very seriously. She got terribly upset if the other little pirates were being too rowdy while she was working. The four little boy pirates were often rowdy, so the little piratess was quite often in a bad temper.

One day, the little piratess was working hard on her latest map. It was almost finished. Suddenly, something crashed into the wall outside her room, making everything shake. The little piratess sighed. The four little boy pirates were being rowdy again. She looked down at her map and gasped. The inkwell on the table had shook because of the crash, and it had shaken so hard that it'd turned right over! Now there was black ink spreading all over the little piratess's new map.

The little piratess became terribly, terribly angry.

The next morning, the little piratess made the other little pirates pack up all their belongings and get into a rowboat. "I can't work with you idiots around," she said. "Go away and build your own ship, and don't come back until you've learned to behave yourselves." Then she cut the rope that connected the rowboat to the Going Merry, and went inside to have lunch.

The four little pirates were annoyed at being turned out of their own ship, but they decided to follow the little piratess's instructions, and build their own ship to pass the time until the little piratess stopped being angry. But they could not agree on what to build a ship out of. Finally, the Fourth Little Pirate, who was very clever, suggested that they each go their separate ways and build their own separate ships. They would see whose ship was the best, and then all of them would live on it. The other little pirates agreed that this was a very good idea, and when they reached an island, that was just what they did.

The First Little Pirate built his ship out of straw. He liked straw a lot, because he had a straw hat that a friend had given to him a long time ago. Nobody believed the First Little Pirate's straw ship would float. But somehow it did, and he was very happy with it.

The Second Little Pirate decided to build his ship out of swords. It wasn't a very sturdy ship, and the swords kept rusting over, but the Second Little Pirate, who never, ever listened to what anybody said, sailed off in his sword ship just the same.

The Third Little Pirate, who thought he was being very clever, built his ship out of bricks. It sank the minute he got it into open water. He barely managed to swim back to shore. Having learned his lesson, the Third Little Pirate built his next ship out of doughnuts.

The Fourth Little Pirate, who was the cleverest and most sensible one of the lot, built his ship out of wood and nails. He lived very comfortably on it, and wondered how the other little pirates were getting on. It was almost time to meet with them again, and see whose ship was the best.

Before too long, however, a Big Bad Chain-Smoker began prowling the seas, looking for the four little pirates. It was the Big Bad Chain-Smoker's job to catch all pirates, and to put an end to their pirating. He soon came upon the First Little Pirate's straw ship.

"Little Pirate, Little Pirate, let me in!" called the Big Bad Chain-Smoker from the deck of his own ship. "I've come to put you in jail!" He thought he was being quite reasonable.

"No way!" said the First Little Pirate. "You're crazy, mister."

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker didn't like being called crazy. He said again, "Let me in!"

The First Little Pirate replied, "No! Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!"

The Chain-Smoker said, "You don't have any hairs on your chin."

"Not...by the teeth in my grinny-grin-grin?" the First Little Pirate said.

"In that case," said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker grimly, "I shall have to take extreme measures."

So he huffed and he puffed on his two cigars, and he knocked the straw ship down in a cloud of smoke.

The First Little Pirate was very alarmed when his ship was knocked down, because he couldn't swim. Luckily, the Second Little Pirate happened to be passing by in his ship made of swords. He fished the First Little Pirate out of the ocean and they sailed away quick.

But because the ship made of swords was not a very sturdy ship, the Big Bad Chain-Smoker soon caught up with them.

"Little Pirates, Little Pirates, let me in!" he called out as before. "I've come to put you in jail!"

"No!" the Second Little Pirate shouted back. "Not by the scars on my shinny-shin-shin!"

"In that case," said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker grimly, "I shall have to take extreme measures."

And just like he did before, he huffed and he puffed on his two cigars, and he knocked the sword ship down in a cloud of smoke.

The Second Little Pirate was very annoyed at having all of his swords knocked into the sea. But he managed to save his three best ones and, hanging on to the First Little Pirate, swam away from the Big Bad Chain-Smoker until he reached the Third Little Pirate and the ship made of doughnuts.

The Third Little Pirate pulled the other little pirates out of the water and began to make some tea. He was sure that, with the three of them together, they could defend the ship made of doughnuts against the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. But it turned out they didn't have to. Before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could get close enough, the First Little Pirate ate the entire ship made of doughnuts.

The Third Little Pirate was very annoyed at having his ship eaten, and almost left the First Little Pirate to drown. But in the end he took hold of one of the First Little Pirate's arms, and the Second Little Pirate took hold of the other, and together they swam away from the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. After a long, long time, they finally reached the Fourth Little Pirate and his ship made out of wood.

The Fourth Little Pirate was very glad to see the other little pirates again, and also secretly glad that his ship had turned out to be the best after all. He pulled the three little pirates out of the water and got them into some dry clothes. Before long, however, the Big Bad Chain-Smoker was sailing up alongside.

"Little Pirates, Little Pirates, let me in!" he called out. "I've come to put you in jail!"

"No!" the Third Little Pirate shouted back. "Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!" It was what he'd meant to say to the Big Bad Pirate before the First Little Pirate ate his ship. The Third Little Pirate was very proud of the hairs on his chin and wanted to let the Big Bad Pirate know that he, unlike the First Little Pirate, had hit puberty.

"Are you the Captain of this ship?" said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker severely. "If you're not, don't presume to answer for him."

"That's right!" said the Fourth Little Pirate. "I'm the Captain of this ship made out of wood! I will face the Big Bad Chain-Smoker, man to man!"

"Then let me in, Little Pirate!" said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. "I've come to put you all in jail!"

The other three little pirates waited anxiously to see what the Fourth Little Pirate would do. If the Big Bad Chain-Smoker knocked down the ship made out of wood in a cloud of smoke, they didn't think they could swim away from him again.

The Fourth Little Pirate took a deep breath and shouted, "I'll do whatever you say! Just don't hurt me!"

The other little pirates all kicked or hit the Fourth Little Pirate in the head.

"Ouch!" the Fourth Little Pirate cried. "I mean...no! Never! Not by the head of my pinny-pin-pin!"

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker threw back his head and laughed. "A pin?" he said. "Have you been sewing, Little Pirate? Let me see this terrible pin of yours!"

The Fourth Little Pirate threw something at the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. It was a pin with a flat tip. The head was a large ring. It did not look very useful for sewing. A moment later, something else came flying through the air towards the Big Bad Chain-Smoker, and he realized that the Fourth Little Pirate had been talking about a hand grenade.

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker turned his body into a cloud of smoke, but that didn't stop his ship from being blown into a thousand pieces by the hand grenade. His body turned back into itself, and he fell into the ocean with a great cry of alarm, because he couldn't swim either.

The First Little Pirate, who was very kind-hearted, immediately dove into the ocean after the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. He had forgotten that he couldn't swim. A second later, the Second Little Pirate and the Third Little Pirate also jumped into the sea, because they were really very fond of the First Little Pirate. The Fourth Little Pirate stayed on the ship made out of wood. Someone needed to guard it, just in case they were attacked again. Also, his knees were shaking so hard that he could barely stand up, but the Fourth Little Pirate was pretty sure that was just from the effort of throwing the hand grenade.

After a little while, the Second Little Pirate and the Third Little Pirate popped back to the ocean surface. The Second Little Pirate was carrying the First Little Pirate, and the Third Little Pirate was holding onto the back of the Big Bad Chain-Smoker's jacket. Together, they swam back to the ship made of wood.

The Fourth Little Pirate found some more dry clothes for everyone. The Third Little Pirate made some tea. When the Big Bad Chain-Smoker woke up, all the little pirates gathered around him. But before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could thank the little pirates for saving his life, the Fourth Little Pirate hit him in the back of the head with a five-ton mallet. The Big Bad Chain-Smoker was knocked out cold.

The four little pirates sailed quickly to an island and kicked the Big Bad Chain-Smoker onto the docks. Then they turned around and sailed away as fast as the wind could carry them. They all agreed that they weren't trying to run away before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could wake up and chase after them. They just really wanted to make sure the Little Piratess was safe, all alone on the Going Merry.

When the four little pirates caught up with the Going Merry again, they found that the Little Piratess was very happy to see them. She had been feeling lonely, with no one to talk to or yell at except the seagulls. She welcomed the four little pirates back onto the ship, and showed them the map she had drawn while they'd been away. Then the five little pirates had a party, and ate and drank and danced until dawn.

The End...until the Big Bad Chain-Smoker wakes up

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notes: (In case you led a very isolated childhood: Written as the "Three Little Pigs" story, abridged version.) Very silly, very sugar-coated. But I would write it all again, just to have Zoro say "shinny-shin-shin!" Originally it was going to the Big Bad Crocodile, who wanted to turn the Little Pirates into mummy specimens for his new mummy museum. But he doesn't consistently smoke cigars, and I'd really wanted to work in the "huffed and puffed" line. Whatever. Crocodile and his mummy fetish will show up sooner or later. This I swear! Please review :D