public service announcement: On the offchance that you haven't already seen it, check out the One Piece 7th opening before reading this chapter! It won't make it any less crack-y, but it will make more sense :)
"How did the mission go, Johnson?"
Petty Officer Johnson stood at attention in Marine Captain Smoker's cramped ship cabin, fresh from his latest reconnaissance job. "I infiltrated Red-Haired Shanks's ship as instructed, sir," he said, staring at a point somewhere just above Smoker's cigars.
"Good, Johnson." Smoker eased back in his chair. "And then what happened?"
"Uh, yes. As I said, I managed to board the ship and retrieve the information without incident." Some memory seemed to find a crack in Johnson's training and he began to fidget in a most un-Marine-like manner. "It was when -" he faltered, then continued reluctantly as Smoker's eyebrows knitted together in annoyance, "It was when I was attempting to leave the ship that I ran into a slight problem. Sir."
"What kind of slight problem?" Smoker growled.
"Er, well..." Now Johnson was sweating. "Red-Haired Shanks, sir. I ran into him."
Smoker sighed. "And then what happened, Johnson?" he asked wearily, almost resigned by now to his well-meaning subordinate's blunderings.
"You see..."
He didn't know where they'd all come from. One minute the deck was empty, perfect for a quick getaway. The next - crawling with pirates. There were skinny ones, fat ones, scraggly ones sporting dreadlocks, and Johnson was sure none of them had had a bath in months. Hygiene was the last of his worries, however. His immediate problem was right in front of him and altogether too close for comfort. Red-Hared Shanks, though smiling genially, had him gripped by the throat with his one hand. The infamous pirate captain leaned in close.
"You from the Marines, man?" he asked conversationally.
Johnson could just barely nod.
"And your captain's ordered you to spy on our merry band of ruffians?"
Johnson made a sound that might have been a 'yes.'
Shanks drew in even closer. Now Johnson was sure there was not a bar of soap to be found on board.
"Remind your captain," said Shanks softly, the triple scars across his cheek seeming to glow with sudden menace, "That I'm a Crazy Rainbow Star, and I am not in the mood to play games."
He dropped the trembling man to the deck. Johnson scrabbled backwards, upwards, then back some more.
Johnson didn't wait to see him go. Quicker than quick he had shimmied down the rope still hanging from the side of the ship and thrown himself into the Marine reconnaissance boat.
"A Crazy Rainbow Star," Smoker said flatly.
"Yessir," Johnson said respectfully, though still shivering slightly.
"And that was it. He let you go after that."
"He is a Crazy Rainbow Star, sir. He probably thought he could afford to be magnanimous." He added hurriedly as Smoker's eyebrows threatened to become truly angry, "Which was a mistake! He didn't bother to search me for the papers." Johnson drew a crumpled sheaf from the inside of his shirt and handed it to Smoker. "I came straight back to the ship and reported to you, and you asked me how the mission went, and I said 'I infiltrated Red-Haired Shanks's ship as instructed sir' and you said 'Good, Johnson and then what happened' and I said - "
"That's enough, Johnson. I get the idea." Smoker rubbed a hand across his forehead. "Shanks didn't say anything else?"
"Uh, no." Johnson gulped and took a step backwards, just in case this was the wrong answer. But Smoker was already rifling through the papers that Johnson had managed to smuggle out. One sheet in particular caught his eye and he pulled it out of the pile. A tanned visage graced with sleepy eyes and unruly freckles grinned back at him.
"Portgas D. Ace," Smoker growled, gripping the photograph imprinted with the familiar, hated face with trembling fingers. At the bottom of the picture someone had scribbled 'Crazy Crazy Rainbow Star.' The second 'crazy' was underlined. Twice.
"He's in on this too?" By now, Smoker was literally shaking with rage as he imagined the two men, one a Yonkou and the other a Yonkou's second-in-command, joining forces for whatever purpose. Who knew what heinous crimes they were committing in the name of 'Rainbow Star'?
So intent was his concentration on Shanks and Firefist that he barely heard Johnson say, "Couldn't say, sir. Maybe, sir. Shanks does seem to have an interest in the family, sir. Maybe it's a term of endearment?"
"Like hell it is," Smoker said darkly. "A pirate initiation blood oath, more like. And Mihawk? I suppose he's mixed up in this rainbow star business too?"
"Nossir. He gave all that up when he became shichibukai."
"Huh." It was difficult to tell whether the Marine captain was pleased or disappointed by the news. On the one hand, he wouldn't have to break up depraved pirate cults all around the Grand Line. On the other hand, he did so enjoy that sort of thing. An instant later, however, another, more troubling thought seemed to strike him.
"What about Mugiwara?" he demanded. "What does Shanks have to say about him?"
Johnson consulted his notes. "Uh - it doesn't look like he refers to Mugiwara specifically, but..."
"But?"
"Collectively, the Mugiwara crew is being referred to as 'Twinkle Twinkle Rainbow Star.'"
"Dammit!" Smoker banged a fist down on the table and nearly swallowed his cigars in disgust. "As if that Strawhatted menace weren't enough of a thorn in my side! The last thing I need is for him to be involved in some secret rainbow society!"
"Um, we don't have proof yet that it's a secret soci -"
"We've got to stop Mugiwara before he attains the title of Crazy Rainbow Star," Smoker declared. He spat out a cigar and lit a fresh one.
Johnson muttered, "Mugiwara's plenty crazy already, if you ask me..."
"What was that , Johnson?"
"Nothing, Sir."
"It has to be some kind of ranking system," Smoker swept on. "It has to mean something. Designed to confuse us. Why does Portgas D. Ace get two 'Crazy's? Why does a Yonkou only get one? Is Whitebeard a Crazy Rainbow Star? What about Dragon? 'Twinkle Twinkle Rainbow Star' - is that a description or a command? Is Shanks using Mugiwara as some sort of covert recruiting party? What does it all mean?"
Johnson whipped his head from side to side, looking for an escape from the bombardment of questions he could not answer. "I - I - I..." Transfixed by confusion, paralyzed by bewilderment, he could only quaver stupidly, feet rooted to the carpet. "What do we do, Sir?" he burst out finally. "Who knows how many Rainbow Stars are out there!"
Smoker closed his eyes. The world used to be a simpler place, he thought. There used to be a time when you chopped heads first and asked questions later. None of this alliance and double dealing stuff. It was just you, the pirate, and ax. More and more he found himself wishing for the days long past, before Shichibukai, before Yonkou, before Goddamn Crazy Rainbow Stars.
Smoker smiled in grim self-mockery. How did that saying go? If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast our nets in the sea. No use in pointless longing. Except we do, he thought. Cast our nets in the sea. Every damn day, in fact. That's why we're stuck having tuna for breakfast. "I've got to talk to Cook about that," he mused.
Petty Officer Johnson looked nervous. The conversation seemed to have run away from itself during the last few minutes. "Er...what was that, Sir?"
"Nothing," Smoker snapped. He harumphed and sat up straighter. "Justice is not a rainbow, Johnson," he continued sternly. "It is black and white, often gray, and sometimes - just sometimes - sepia-toned. You asked what we are to do? I'll tell you what we're going to do. We are going to sail on. We will pursue the pirates on the seas and long land, in fair weather and foul, through rain and snow and raging fire. It is our duty. It is our calling. It is the task we were put on this beautiful, broken world to do. We will not rest until every Rainbow Star, no matter how crazy, has been hunted down and dragged before the monochromatic gates of justice. Is that clear, Petty Officer Johnson?"
Johnson snapped a hand to his forehead in fervent attention. "Yes, sir!" he shouted. "I will do my best, sir!"
Filled with new courage, he turned smartly on his heel and left to relay Smoker's orders to the crew.
And the ship sailed on.
- - - - - -
notes: Petty Officer Johnson first showed up in "Snow Queen" and I am kind of intrigued by his role as an inept Marine reconnaissance officer. As well as his inability to be promoted! Anyway, please leave feedback. Anything - praise, groans, rotten tomatoes - is very much appreciated!