AN: I've got warnings for this chapter: mild dub-con, though not really, and thoughts about suicide. If these are triggers for anyone then I'd skip this chapter.
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine even though I want it badly!
Bruce awoke slowly and peacefully, surrounded by a contented haze. He felt warm, safe, well rested- not a single nightmare that he could recall- and he was finally starting to feel like himself again- himself from before all the blood and death.
Deciding to stay abed a while longer- to soak up these amazing feelings of wellness before he had to face reality- he pulled his warm, comfy pillow closer to him causing it to give a yelp and a giggle.
"Stop it Brucey, I like to cuddle but that tickled my bruises!"
Laying stunned for a moment- Why was he using the Joker for a pillow?- he slowly lifted his head to see a set of twinkling green eyes shinning out of a heavily bruised face.
"Morning lover!" As more shock poured over the billionaire the events of the previous day came flooding back to him:
Bruce had lain in bed, feeling sorry for himself, until the Joker had come back to check on him like he had said he would.
The madman had then practically dragged Bruce to the shower and- through some miracle- had left him to wash in peace, only to return and force him downstairs to breakfast- even though it was the middle of the afternoon- a short time later.
Bruce hadn't had any appetite and had merely moved the omelet about his plate until it was finally taken away.
"Starving yourself won't bring them back, you know." The sudden anger he felt was overwhelming and he might have put the fork he was still holding through the Joker's eye- it was eerie just how vividly he could imagine doing so- if the clown had been within arms reach.
But as the green haired man was on the other side of the kitchen Bruce was able to calm himself enough so he didn't do anything he would regret.
Needing to let the man know just how close he had come to being killed, Bruce did what he really didn't want to do: talk about it.
"I was thinking about stabbing you in the eye with my fork a moment ago. So-"
"So you want me to be careful about what I say and do around you so that you don't actually do something similar to that in the future." Stunned by the clown's insight all he could do was nod.
"How..."
"I'm a mad genius Brucey! And besides, you've been acting a bit like me since this whole mess started; that gives me a distinct advantage here!" Spreading his arms wide with a large smile the clown looked like he was proud of this revelation.
Upon seeing Bruce's confused stare his smile instantly dropped.
"Ahhh, don't ya get it Batsy? I've been me for years now, and you've only just started! So all I have to do is think about what I would do in any given situation, and I'll instantly know what you're going to do and I'll be able to stop you before you do it!" Shaking his head, Bruce tried to deny that even though he knew it was true.
"I'm not like you Joker, I don't want to be this way!" With a small nod and a sad smile the clown sat across from the recovering man.
"And you think I did? Hell, I don't even know if I did, so don't bother answering. That there is the only difference between us at the moment: you have a life that you can remember and can draw moral support from. When I crawled out of that vat I had nothing in my head but rage and blood-lust."
Looking into madness filled eyes Bruce thought he might also see a hint of a desprite sadness from a man who didn't know what his place in the world was.
"I can see the rage in you Batsy, and the blood-lust, but I can also see you fighting it because you know it's wrong. All I'm offering now is an understanding shoulder and a hardened jaw." Standing from the table the Joker made to leave the kitchen.
"When you're ready to talk about it, to get it off you chest and make it easier to handle; or when you snap and need a punching bag, just remember that I'm here to help. Okay?" Walking out the door he left a brooding Bat in his wake.
And brooding Bruce was. He could feel the uncontrollable rage- the overwhelming desire to make others hurt as he had been hurt- but he also felt the weight of his life holding it back.
Every good decision he had made, every dark fantasy he had refused to give-in to, every person he had ever met and helped- they were all there in his mind, in his memory, helping him, showing him how to not give-in to that rage.
How had the Joker survived this without a memory?
Oh, that's right, he didn't. He went insane.
Getting to his feet, Bruce went in search of his clown. He had some questions he wanted to ask.
Finding the man watching tv in one of the endless sitting rooms he plopped down next to him and zoned out watching the glowing screen- if asked he wouldn't be able to tell you what had been playing.
An indetermanent time later he finally found the words to broach the subject.
"How do you stop yourself? When you don't even realize what your doing until it's done- or almost done- how do you stop it?" Never taking his eyes off the screen he waited for an answer.
"Personally? I don't usually. I just do what feels right for the moment and then deal with the consequences afterwards." Giving a huffy sigh the madman continued.
"But I do sometimes need to keep people alive long enough to be useful to me, like Quinn for example, so I've worked out a technique to stop myself when I need to." As he paused Bruce finally turned to face him. This is what he needed to know!
"And what is your technique?" He finally gritted out a few moments later when the starkly white man didn't seem about to continue.
"I'm sure you'll be able to learn it in the fullness of time. After all, it's only complete and total self-awareness. The monitoring and adjusting of every behavior for every moment. It took me years to learn all my triggers- and I still surprise myself sometimes!"
"Sounds exhausting." Was all the stunned brunette could muster in reply. He had never thought of the Joker as a self-aware type of person.
"It is, that's why I prefer to work alone. Less stress at needing to keep someone else alive, and I can react in any manner my messed up brain chemistry sees fit to make me. Like that time I played around with that bird of yours- do you remember that?" Nodding Bruce remembered, he remembered all to well.
The blood, the grief, the pain when he realized that Jason was alive again but not the same boy he had raised. As the pain washed over him anew he began to sob bitterly.
Wrapping an arm around his upset Bat, the Joker tried to be comforting- it was hard to do since he had never done it before.
"Oh Brucey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dredge up -!" As a fist connected with his face the Joker felt something akin to relief- it had just been too long without a good battle with his Batsy-kins, and they both needed the stress relief.
The fight was fierce, though short-lived.
The Joker won of course- the vigilante hadn't yet put back any of the muscle he had recently lost- and Bruce lay pinned to the floor in the middle of the wrecked room while the mad clown sat on his chest.
"That was fun, Batsy! Can we do it again!" Bruce couldn't stop the laughter that came over him at that, and when the clown joined in it was even better.
With a sudden impulse- the kind he was startled to realize he was already getting used to having- he grabbed the clown by his long white neck, sat up and slammed their mouths together into a harsh kiss.
Flipping then so that he was the one on top Bruce forced his tongue into the other man's mouth and started to rip the clothes off him- he needed to see and feel more of this infuriatingly beautiful man!
Running his hands over the newly exposed skin he moved his mouth to that graceful neck and bit down- hard!
His only thought at that moment was: Mine!
The sudden cry from the pliant man under him made Bruce pull away and look the clown over, with a start he realized what he had just tried to do.
He had just tried to rape the Joker!
Horrified at what he had just done, the self-disgust filled brunette stood and ran out of the room.
As Bruce ran, the Joker tried to catch his breath.
That! had been unexpected, he thought with a happy chuckle.
Looking down at himself he realized why his Batsy had run off: torn, blood stained clothes, bruises forming everywhere- they were always really bright against his pasty white skin- and a debauched overall appearance.
Yep, he thought, Brucey thinks he tried to rape me.
With a long suffering sigh he pulled himself off the floor and headed after the distraught man.
Bruce had made it to his room before he stopped running.
What was wrong with him?! He kept asking himself.
Being homicidal was bad enough, but a rapist now too? He couldn't do this- he wouldn't!
If he couldn't control his mind and urges then he would put a stop to them permanently!
Heading to the bathroom- there would be several options in there for completing the deed- he was stopped as the Joker tackled him to the bed.
"Oh no you don't! I haven't worked this hard to see you get better just for you to take the easy way out!" Not even bothering to struggle or deny it, Bruce just lay there.
"How did you know?" He managed to ask.
"What? Do you think I never thought about it once I learned how abnormal I am? No, being suicidal is pointless, and I'm just going to have to make you learn to live with yourself."
"But I hurt you, if you hadn't cried out... Joker, I nearly raped you!" Saying the words was worse than simply thinking them!
As his Bat struggled with himself and his emotions the Joker leaned in against his ear.
"Batsy my love, you can't rape the willing." Feeling the large man under him go completely still he pulled back slightly.
Pressing his lips gently against the still stunned billionaires', the Joker smiled as his kiss was returned with a passion.