Hello :)
Thank you to everyone that reviewed, followed or favourited this story! It really means the world to me! I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well.
Also, just a warning - this is going to be a semi-drabbley type fic. There isn't a strong sense of plot, they're just a collection of conversations that I wished had happened between Edward and Bella. They've been left half-written, with chunks missing where I got bored, on my computer for months and months so I'm now going back and adding a vague sense of continuity.
Oh also, I am bad at editing, and more to the point, I don't care that much so apologies for any spelling/grammar errors. I'm sure there are many.
And, of course, I own nothing. I am but a lowly fan toiling away under the whip of my thieving imagination.
Enjoy!
Alice had caught onto the fact that Edward and I were blurring our physical boundaries and had felt the need to assist us, much to my chagrin. She'd taken it upon herself to buy me nicer pyjamas. Admittedly, she definitely took into consideration what I would be comfortable with, but she did still try to nudge me out of my comfort zone with some of the items she'd placed in my draws.
My reaction fluctuated from a fingers-in-the-ears approach to confident and willing to explore a more appealing night-time wardrobe. Of course this confidence usually fled me the moment I went to select my pyjamas before my shower. However, today I was determined.
Edward and I...things were good.
Our conversation had led to a variety of improvements. For one, I got to spend more of my time kissing him than previously and he was getting better at expressing his human desires – whilst still maintaining his gentlemanly manners of course. Another big plus was the fact that we spoke more freely about everything. Not so much it but pretty much everything else. It was much easier understanding where he was coming from and he said he enjoyed the insights into my mind as well.
And as a result of all this openness and flirtation I am smothering the cowardly voice in my head and putting on the nice night wear Alice had bought me.
Edward would be climbing through my window in about thirty minutes, when Charlie had fallen asleep, till then I was busying myself with a fantastically warm shower and the mind numbing task of drying my hair. Then, hopefully by the time he was already here (so I couldn't chicken out and dive into my room for a daggy pair of track pants) I would put my silky, skin-revealing pyjamas on and stroll into my room like there was nothing different.
It was the last bit I was struggling with most.
But my plan had worked; there was no backing out of it without risking Edward seeing me in a towel. So the silk went on, the bathroom door opened, my bedroom door closed and suddenly I found myself standing in front of Edward in a loose singlet and tight shorts with my heart pounding like a train.
He was sitting up in my bed and turned to look at me as I entered the room an indulgent smile pulling at his lips.
"Why are you so nervous?" He asked in a surprisingly breathy voice after a moment of tense waiting.
I inhaled shakily, shrugging, "You make me nervous at the best of times."
"And this is the best of times?" He questioned, no doubt trying to break the ice a little.
I let out an embarrassed chuckle.
"Hopefully, but that depends on how much you like the pyjamas."
His smile returned to a straight line as he slid his legs off the bed, facing me fully. I took his extended hand and he brought me closer to him as his eyes turned appraising.
"Hmmm."
He turned me around and I felt like you could melt butter on my cheeks as I realised his eyes were quite well aligned to my silk covered behind.
My neck had a flash of cool air as he moved my hair to drape over my shoulder. Then his lips found my neck, his arm coming to wrap around my waist. A small gasp escaped me. His lips sent dancing electricity shooting through my body at a phenomenal speed. Suddenly my pink cheeks weren't the results of embarrassment but rather the consequence of Edward's cell-awakening touch.
He was too good at this.
"I think we can safely say that these," He tugged gently on the bottom of my blue top, "have my stamp of approval."
I breathily giggled, turning in his arms so I could feel his lips against mine. There was something about the texture of our lips sliding and rubbing against each other that did amazing things to my heart rate.
I pulled away, moving my hands to tease along the edge of his shirt, "Will you—" His lips moved down to my jaw line, sending goose bumps down my body. I smiled, pushing against him slightly.
"Stop distracting me."
He grinned, "I don't think I can agree to that."
"No, no. Will you take off your shirt?" I asked, the small bubble of nervous energy rising again as I ran my fingers along the small slip of skin I dared to touch, just above his pants.
This time it was him that drew in a sharp breath. His hands snatched out to encircle mine.
"Yes," He slid my hands further up his abdomen, "But…higher up, alright?"
"Lower down good or bad?" I asked, uncertain whether his reaction was a good sign or not.
Edward scoffed.
"Good."
He quickly took his shirt off, leaving my hands in place on his chest. I still wasn't used to seeing so much exposed skin. It was tantalising. There was no other way to put it. My mind didn't dwell on wording for long though, as Edward moved back onto the bed, pulling my down so I was on top of him.
I couldn't help the smile that came when I realised just how far we had already come…and how much further we had to go.
I curled up into Edward's side, pleased with how the evening went but unhappy that it had to end so soon. He wrapped me in his arms, not bothering with the thick blanket just yet, and began stroking soothing patterns across my skin.
The bliss of the moment was quickly overwhelming me. My eyes grew heavier and my muscles more relaxed, I knew I would probably be asleep soon and so I was surprised to hear Edward speak.
"Why were you so nervous at first? I'm not that daunting am I?" His voice was light and casual but there was a genuine anxiety running beneath it. I snuggled further into his chest.
"You are in a way – a good way. Being nervous makes it...exciting." I explained sleepily. His hand brushed the hair off the side of my face so he could look at me.
"You haven't answered by question." He pushed quietly, "Why were you nervous?"
"Isn't it normal to be a little nervous about this sort of thing when you're new at it?" I questioned.
He sighed, "Yes, but because of how undeniably enthusiastic you are it seems...odd for you to have that reaction." His words were slightly nonsensical in my sleepy haze but I managed to dredge out their meaning, causing a frown to appear instantly.
"Well, tonight it was the clothes not what we were doing – I really look forward to doing that stuff," I explained a smile creeping onto my face, "But the whole...will you like it thing...that makes me nervous."
"So you're scared of what I might think?" I nodded lazily.
"Only sometimes," I qualified as a new thought occurred to me, "Do you ever get nervous?"
He let out a chuckle, "Yes, definitely." That sparked my interest, even in my drowsy state. I pulled myself into a sitting position and looked down at him curiously.
"What makes you nervous?"
I could see his eyebrow rise in the darkness as he moved to sit up beside me.
"You act as though you thought me immune to nervousness."
I slumped to lean on his shoulder and his hand found mine, rubbing my skin delicately.
"I kinda do. I mean, I know you must get nervous, but I can't imagine why you ever would be." I explained, the haziness retreating from my mind as I put it to the task of forming coherent sentences.
He chuckled shyly, "I'm afraid I'm far more insecure than you imagine."
"Will you tell me?" I asked lazily. Whilst this was a topic of great interest for me – simply because it was about Edward – the calm, loving cocoon that was created every time I went to sleep with Edward at my side, still remained, making the conversation easy.
"Too many things to list," He said quietly, "I suppose you already know some of my fears – of hurting you, of being a monster – I think those things that make me nervous can be harder to pin point than fears." I listened silently, enjoying the sound of his voice and the comfort of snuggling up to his side in bed.
"Your opinion makes me nervous – particularly if I'm trying to give you a gift," I could hear the smile in his voice, "I'm always a little nervous when I see you for the first time in the day, or after being apart from you for a while. Emmett and his big mouth make me nervous." I giggled at that one.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He shrugged, making my head bop with his shoulder, "Emmett has an encyclopaedic knowledge of things I've done since about 1936 – and I fear every day that he will start regaling you with stories of the stupid, embarrassing and awkward things I've done throughout my life." I grinned. I was definitely going to ask Emmett to tell me stories.
"What else?" I encouraged, starting to run my fingers up and down his forearm as he spoke.
"Hm...I'm nervous of your parents' disapproval. Feeling old – or of you seeing me as old makes me nervous. Being feared by people makes me nervous, but so does them not fearing me – not that I want to scare anyone but...it's generally better if people don't get too close. I'm nervous of drawing the Volturi's attention to us. I'm nervous of you choosing to be with me, choosing to be turned and regretting it. I'm nervous of being bad in bed – I think that would bruise my ego quite badly for a while," He continued playfully, "Going to all this effort to be able to try and then my control being perfectly fine but I'm just plain terrible at it."
I snorted, "You can't seriously think that. I melt into a pile of goo as soon as I think you're going to kiss me!"
He chuckled, "It's not a big worry, but it's still there at the back of my mind. I'm sure it'll become more prominent the closer it gets to being an issue. But I appreciate the vote of confidence." He turned and kissed the top of my head, "And I'm nervous of what you think of how I look." My mouth opened, so I could explain how fantastically gorgeous I thought he was, but his hand slipped over it, "Shh, let me share." Surprised, I nodded.
"I worry that you would prefer it if I were the same temperature as you – I definitely would. I know you don't like the cold, I feel like touching you is an imposition. I wonder if you would like it better if I had human reactions – if my heart rate could increase, if I could go red if you said something that embarrassed me – I wonder if you would like it better if I could kiss you properly, without having to worry about where my teeth are, or if you would prefer if I wasn't so...angular. I wonder if you would prefer if I were human so we would look more alike – so you didn't always feel like the ugly duckling." His voice stayed calm and even but the atmosphere grew more melancholy with every thing he listed. I wanted to stop him, to reassure him that I didn't want him any different.
"Edward I—"
"Let me finish. Please." Frowning, I nodded again and squeezed his hand.
"I wonder if you wish you could hit me and make it hurt when I say stupid things or make you angry. I wonder if you wish you could give me a love bite. I wonder if you wish you could take me to meet your mother and not have to worry about the sun. I wonder if you wish I could grow a beard or a moustache," He chuckled to himself, "Or maybe just stubble and watch me attempt the rugged look." I laughed quietly too. I couldn't imagine Edward with stubble.
"I wonder if you wish I had freckles or scars or tattoos or a strange thing on my arm that I'd had all my life but didn't know what it was. I wonder if you wish I looked older – I was only seventeen when I was changed, I realise that doesn't provide me with the most masculine physique..." He paused for a moment after that one and I wondered if that was the one that bothered him most.
I mean girls are pretty much physically developed by the time they reach seventeen – in terms of appearances – but boys...they were in their early twenties when that happened. I can understand why that would be...an issue for him. Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper where all in their twenties when they were changed...you can tell that Edward was younger, although his demeanour tends to confuse people about his age. He acts older and it's not like he was fourteen when he was changed. He could get away with anything up to maybe twenty six – twenty seven pushing it.
"I wonder if you wish I could get a haircut – I certainly have at times." I smiled at the lightness in his voice. It was obvious that his self consciousness at his body wasn't as bad as mine, or at least, he'd learnt to manage it and accept how he looked, whereas I was still undecided about that.
"I love your hair." I mumbled quietly, aware that he'd asked me to let him finish. Again he laid a kiss on top of my head and continued.
"I wonder if you resent my heightened senses, if you feel they're intrusive. I wonder if you wish I could get sick or have morning breath or sleep beside you or eat your cooking or cry. I wonder if you wish I could get a huge outbreak of zits because I ate too much pizza. I wonder if you wish we could have children together," His head fell back and he sighed, "I wonder if you wish I was human but I also wonder if you prefer that I'm not."
That conversation got so much heavier than I was expecting it too.
"That's a big question..." I stated stupidly, "And a lot of things to be nervous over."
He nodded, "I did tell you I was far more insecure that you thought." I nodded silently and sat contemplating for a minute. I needed to gather my thoughts before I responded to something as big as that.
"Okay, well, I do sometimes wish you were human. I have spitefully wished a plague of zits upon you...but that's mostly so I'd feel better about how I looked...I feel I need to work on how I see myself – but that's a different matter." I said resolutely, this was about Edward, not me. We can deal with my body image issues later, "I definitely resent your senses sometimes, particularly smell...I've become far more meticulous with hygiene since I found out you were a vampire. I try to take comfort in the fact that you're probably more focused on the smell of my blood than the smell of anything else. Sight too, I guess; I worry if you can see my blocked pours and stray eyebrow hairs in fantastically magnified detail.
"I've gotten used to your temperature though. What irritates me about it is that you seem to feel it necessary to wrap me in the thickest blanket or article of clothing you can get your hands on if you plan on touching me for more than a few minutes," I gave a pointed look to the ridiculous comforter that was cocooning me and separating me from him. He smiled sheepishly, "You should let temperature regulation be my problem. I'm a big girl, and not so masochistic, if I get cold I'll put another jacket on.
"Uh, what else did you say? Hm...I don't wish you could get sick, 'cause then I'd get sick and I hate being sick. It'd be nice if you could eat with me but I don't really care whether you can or not – it also means that you can't hog the popcorn when we're watching a movie;" I pointed out, "Which is a very good thing.
"As for what you look like...you're extremely handsome Edward, the only reason I'd ever change that would be like the zits – to make myself feel better," A thought struck me, "But I'd love to see what your eyes were like before you were changed. Carlisle said they were green... Uh, I've never gotten the whole tattoo thing; whenever I see one all I can think about is how much that person will regret it when they get wrinkly and faded."
"What about having children?" He questioned. I squeezed his hand again.
"If I was going to have children with anyone it would be you, Edward, but I was still undecided about whether I wanted kids or not. If I can't have your children...then I don't want any. Don't feel guilty about it, Edward. I wasn't sold on the idea anyway, it's not like I'd dreamed of being a mother all my life.
"Not being able to go in the sun in public – that's probably one of the bigger things for me. With you its fine, it's just like if you were allergic to nuts and I couldn't eat them before kissing you...but I could still eat them. When I change though – we're going to need to go on vacation to sunny deserted islands. I'll really miss the sun," I shrugged, it was true. I preferred Phoenix over Forks in terms of weather but the people I loved were here and so it made the bad weather bearable, "And you're not allowed to use this to try and get me to stay human. I've already made up my mind."
He shook his head, "Bella, I'm going to use anything and everything I can to make you change your mind about being turned. And if that means bribing you with sunny urban holiday destinations then so be it," I laughed, knowing it wouldn't work, "But please continue."
My brain drew a blank on what I should be talking about. I thought I'd covered most things on his list.
"What else did you say?"
"Do you wish you could hit me and actually hurt?" His voice was teasing and just a little bit arrogant; making it one of those times I wish I could slap him.
"Oh yeah." I said nodding my head enthusiastically.
He laughed and I turned my head to see him grinning down at me.
"I'll take that to mean you would do so frequently?" He asked still chuckling.
"Usually when you start talking about how kill-able I am and you start getting broody." I admitted and his smile only spread further.
"Constructive abuse then?" He questioned cheekily.
"Definitely," I agreed, "Purely for your benefit."
"What about love bites?"
I grinned then, "Yeah, I'd love to give you a hickey and then watch you try to hide it from Charlie."
"Emmett would give me a lot of grief if I ever came home with a love bite – and he'd be merciless towards you. Innuendo abound." He was grinning at the thought of it.
"Do you think about being human a lot?" I asked, curious if this was something he'd only started doing since he'd known me.
"Yes. Being with you would be so much easier if I were human...I could offer you so much more." I decided to ignore that, since he already offered me so much.
"Do you think you could ever go back to it? You know, suddenly not being as smart or as strong or as fast; suddenly not being able to read anyone's mind." It was something I'd wondered. Would they give it up if they had the chance or had they gotten used to what they were.
He shook his head, "It would be a dramatic and, I'm sure, aggravating change but yes, if I could I would be a human."
I leaned up and kissed his cheek.
"Can I explain to you why I want you to change me, without you interrupting?" I asked him softly. It was such a touchy subject for him; he never wanted to speak about it unless he was trying to change my mind but knowing that he wanted to be human...I felt the need to explain.
He frowned down at me, "I already know why you want to be changed."
"Just let me say it." I said taking umbrage, "For all you know you've been very presumptuous, it wouldn't be the first time we misunderstood one another." I reminded him.
His face softened, "No, that's true. Fine. Explain."
"It's all about being your equal," I started, "Because intellectually and physically you and I are miles and miles apart. The only thing we match up in is emotionally," I gave him a pointed look as the desire to speak sprung up in his eyes, "Intellectually, I can't expect myself to be in line with you – you've had a lot more time, a lot more practice and you have an infallible memory – the only way I'll be able to catch up is through time and I'm okay with that, you never make me feel dumb or anything it's just one of those things that makes us different.
"Physically...there's pretty much nothing but differences between us. And this does bother me because it's not a matter of time – we'll always be this different. Whether I'm eighteen or eighty, it won't change and that's a problem because it's limiting. We can't be together the way we want to be because of it. I feel extremely unaware when I'm around you and your family, which...it just adds to the inferiority complex," Again his eyes lit up with protests, "No, you agreed to no interrupting. You never let me explain this, so just listen!
"I can't join in when you guys play baseball. I have to make sure I don't bleed, which is harder for me than it seems to be for other people. I can't horse around with Emmett because I'm too breakable. I can't stop Alice from dragging me into clothing stores and I lose a lot of my time with you to sleeping and eating. It sucks being different to you! I wouldn't care if we were both human or both vampires – I just want us to be the same and since you can't be a human then I'll be a vampire."
Edward's face was contorted in anguish. I can imagine that he would only see my reasons for wanting to be like him as his fault – and his responsibility to change.
"Bella, you can't understand the consequences of this decision. To become like me you have to sacrifice so much of your life, the people in it, the experiences you can have. It's too much to give up!" His voice was rich with suppressed self-loathing. So I cut him off. He wasn't getting it and I needed him to know where I was coming from.
"I understand that it requires a lot of sacrifice but if I was going to stay with you, even remaining as a human, I'd have to give a lot of things up anyway.
"Eventually I would have to start visiting my parents without you – they'd wonder why they never saw you anymore and I wouldn't want to have to lie all the time, so I'd just stop visiting them.
"I still wouldn't be able to go to sunny public places the way I want to because I couldn't take you or any of our family with me.
"I would still have to give up my friends because we'd keep moving.
"And whilst you might not care about me looking old enough to be your mother or your grandmother I do – I don't want that kind of judgement and I definitely don't want to start getting wrinkly and liver spotted and have a dodgy hip and a sore back when you and your family are sitting next to me looking young and beautiful and with perfectly functioning bodies when mine's just slowly deteriorating in front of you!
"I've chosen to be with you, Edward. That means I have to give things up and it means I get other things in return. But those things don't change too much whether I stay human or I'm changed – my outlook on life and how I see and feel about myself does change though. For the worse if I stay human and for the better if I'm changed.
"So I'm choosing to be with you in the way that will make me happiest and you're just never going to convince me to stay human."
It was silent in the room for a while. Edward was clearly thinking through what I'd said, a pained expression on his face.
"I understand you're point, I really do," He ran his fingers through the ends of my hair, "I know that staying human with me has just as many downfalls as being a vampire with me." I shook my head, an idea slipping into place in my mind.
"You think if I stay human I'll eventually leave you." I accused.
"It's more a hope than a thought." He replied without any remorse, "I don't want this life for you. I think you deserve a thousand times better than what I can offer you and I pray every single day that you realise that. But then I also pray that you don't."
I slapped at his skin uselessly, "This is one of those times that I wish I could hurt you! Jeez, Edward, I don't understand how you can think so poorly of yourself. You are the best thing in my life and you're going to have to learn how to accept that…"
He watched me for a moment, thoughts whirling behind his eyes as I simmered in my annoyance.
"I love you, Bella," He final muttered, "So very much."
I sighed, "I know."
Nodding, he leant down to kiss my forehead, "That may simply be something that takes time."
I squeezed his hand, "And I'm okay with that so long as you're not fighting it every step of the way."
He never said anything after that and eventually my eyes drifted to a close as I was swept away by dreams.
So hopefully that wasn't too bad. Let me know what you think :)
Victoria