A/N – this chapter is based on Shiva. It was not easy to write due to the emotional nature of it, but I tried to capture the inner Ziva and the outer Ziva here. I also changed a few scenes from the show to fit my story the way I wished season 10 had gone, of course. Let me know what you think once you've read it all.

Chapter 15 – Shiva

The night

Ziva cried. She cried until she had no more tears to produce. Even then she continued to sob in Tony's arms. She sobbed until the body was gone and the a while afterwards as well. When Tony and Ziva left the house, Ziva still in Tony's arms, Gibbs was standing there with a curious look on his face. He was staring at Tony and Tony only shook his head, knowing that there needed to be some explanation for all of this, but sincerely hoping that for once his boss would forget what he had seen in the house; sincerely hoping that his boss would forget the way Ziva had broken down and the way that Ziva had turned to Tony for support.

Ziva was done crying and Tony knew this, but she was far from healed. Tony held her hand in the car as they made their quiet way back to his apartment. Once they were safely inside, Tony wrapped his arms around her once more, barely inside the doorway, and he held her tightly. Ziva was still sobbing slightly as she tried to fight off the overwhelming emotions that were coursing through her.

It was all emotions that she was familiar with. Loss. Hurt. Betrayal. But there was something more. There was gratitude and that was the one that caused her to continue to cry. She was not grateful that her father was gone or that the killer was dead and cowardly. She was grateful that Tony was there for her this time. She was grateful that there was one thing that was ever-lasting and constant in her life. She was grateful that Tony had stood by her side for a long time and was not going anywhere, especially in her weakest moments. She clung to him tighter, wishing to know how to relay the gratitude she felt toward him.

They spent a long time in the doorway to Tony's apartment before Tony finally pushed her toward the bedroom and they curled up, still wearing their work clothes, in his bed and he held her tightly through the night. The nightmares began then and he was still there to comfort her and keep her from her pain as much as he could. She was forever grateful and still did not know how to show that gratitude toward him.

She was just there. She just held on tighter and felt safer as he stayed by her side. She was not afraid of him walking away at this point, because the first thing he had done when he saw her breaking down was go to her. She knew that he wouldn't just walk away from this. She was grateful in so many ways for this man who comforted her now.

Morning was more complicated. Though no words were exchanged, they both knew that Gibbs didn't know many things right then. Gibbs didn't know that they were sharing an apartment. Gibbs didn't know that they had ridden home together. Gibbs didn't know that Tony had held Ziva through the entire night and didn't want to let go long enough to go to work. And yet, work had to go on. There was an investigation to be done and Tony was needed and their secrets were not to be explained in the middle of this case of all cases that they had to solve.

Tony had to go to work and they silently agreed that now was not the time to tell Gibbs what was going on with them. Now was not the time to complicate things further. It was time to get down to business and act as they had always acted, or act as they could act, in this case. Tony left for work, much to both of their fears and they were separated at long last after a long sleepless night.

The synagogue

Ziva sat in the synagogue muttering a blessing from her childhood with her eyes covered, wondering why she couldn't have Tony right now, wondering why her father had to die this way.

"Why?" she asked angrily. "Why should I not be angry? With all that has been taken? Why should I have faith in you? Show me a sign! Show me a sign that I should not lose hope."

That is when the door opened to the synagogue. Ziva stood, pulling her weapon and turning around to see Tony standing there. Her expression softened and she knew. Tony was her sign. Tony was the reason she should not lose hope. She knew this to be true. She wanted to run back into his arms.

"Tony," she said firmly.

"You haven't been answering your cell," he said. "Gibbs tried to call you. He had McGee do that ping thing. I should have known and I'm glad you came here."

"What do you want?" Ziva said, looking around, wanting to be alone now that she was alone, but also fighting the want she had for his arms to be around her again.

"I want whatever you want," he said quietly. "Whatever you need. A friend to talk to. A shoulder to cry on."

"I'm don't crying," Ziva said quietly and taking one step forward and stopping.

"Ziva," Tony said quietly, unable to find more words, since they had not talked all through that night. "I am sorry."

"I appreciate that," Ziva said quietly. "But, sympathy is the last thing I want right now."

Tony started walking forward and met her where she stood. He talked as he walked. "Okay then, tell me… what can I do? What do you need?"

Ziva looked at him seriously. "Revenge," she said finally, but then moved into his arms, where they stayed for a moment silently. She didn't know if he had heard what she had asked god for or not, but she knew that he was there no matter what. That was what she really needed and wasn't going to ask for.

After Abby's lab

Ziva stopped in the break room. She was frustrated. Tony snuck in then and looked around for a moment, before pulling her into a hug.

"Nobody will tell me anything," she said.

"I know," he said quietly. "I should be on that list too."

"Too close to the crimes? Why?"

"Because of what we're hiding," Tony said. "I checked the rules. I'm trying to stay out of the case as much as possible, but the boss doesn't know. I'm just kind of letting McGee take the reigns here. I'm sorry. I don't want to get involved because I know you're going to affect my judgment."

Ziva nodded. "And McGee is the only one who understands," Ziva said quietly. "He knows but nobody else does."

Tony nodded quietly to her. "I can tell you that I know nothing much more than you do," Tony said. "Gibbs is checking into Kazmi and he's gone right now looking for him. But, other than that, our only lead is the anonymous dead guy downstairs with no identity."

Ziva nodded. "Thank you, Tony," Ziva said quietly. "For telling me."

He nodded and held her again. This was difficult for him, but it was difficult for her as well. "I'm sorry you have to pretend you're okay," he said quietly. "I know you would act that way around them anyway. But I'm sorry you have to act okay for the world too."

"It sucks," Ziva said quietly. "I will manage it, Tony. Gibbs thinks I might be a target as well. That is all he has told me."

Tony nodded and held her tighter.

"And that is why you are still holding me," Ziva said a half a smile appearing on her face as she pulled back from Tony. "Thank you."

He nodded to her and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before returning to the squad room and she smiled again, thinking that perhaps he was her sign to keep her hope.

Autopsy room

"Ziva," Gibbs said, coming into autopsy and speaking sternly, knowing she had been in the building most of the day. "Go."

"Go where Gibbs?" she asked curiously and somewhat angrily, wondering where she could go and still help.

"My place," Tony said quietly, helping to hide the situation which he had yet to be questioned about. Ziva caught on and decided to go with it with an angry tone that would throw Gibbs off from what he had seen last night, knowing that she had willingly turned to Tony for comfort in front of him and McGee.

"I have my own place, thank you," Ziva argued convincingly.

"And you can't be in it, or here," Gibbs said, now seeing that there was nothing to worry about. "Not until we find out who did this."

"You know I can help," Ziva said, walking up to Gibbs and still sounding very angry.

"And you know my answer," Gibbs said quietly.

"He's right, Ziva, this is no place for you," Ducky said, throwing in what he thought he could. "It's a time for mourning. People who love and admire you have matters well in hand."

"I have matters in hand, Ducky," Ziva said, glancing back at him. "Look at me, I am fine."

"Then go be fine, just not here," Gibbs said stubbornly.

"Fine," Ziva said and walked out, with Tony trailing behind her.

Once they got in the car she sighed with relief. "They are right, Tony," Ziva said quietly. "I should not be in my own place. I guess I am glad we did not put my name on the lease to your place. But, what if someone finds out I am living here and have been for some time? What if someone is after me and finds me here?"

"I will be here, too, Ziva," Tony said quietly. "I will be here and I have your back, always."

"I will not be here for too long, Tony," Ziva said quietly. "I will have to go to Israel. I will bury my father in Israel. What's with the couch?"

There were blankets laying on the couch and Ziva had a confused expression on her face. She knew that when she had left that morning after Tony had gone back to work there weren't blankets on the couch.

"Ah, someone is sleeping there tonight," Tony said.

Ziva turned with a shocked look on her face. Tony was smiling and Shmeil was standing beside Tony.

"Shmeil," Ziva said, going over and hugging him. When she let go of him, she went and hugged Tony. "Thank you, Tony."

He held her tighter. "Anytime," he whispered into her ear and kissed her hair.

A nightmare

Tony was awake, as he couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure how he felt about Ziva going to Israel and it was keeping him up. She started to stir against his chest. He shook her arm a little.

"Ziva," he said quietly.

"Stop!" she shouted and sat up.

Tony caught her arm, sitting up with her. "It's just a bad dream," he said.

"No, no it's not," she whispered, laying back down and taking his hand and resting her head on his chest again and closing her eyes. But, he knew she wasn't going to talk about it. He had to take what he could get. She wasn't talking about it, but she wasn't pushing him away either. He sighed and pulled her as close to him as he could get her, hoping it was enough.

Her fingers laced through his and held on tight and he knew that he was doing as much as he could and she appreciated all the meddling that he was dishing out. He held on tight too and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

DiNozzo and McGee have a talk

"We had a fight this morning," Tony said wiping his face as they sat quietly in the squad room.

"This shouldn't be anything new, Tony," McGee said seriously. "You two used to fight all the time."

"Not like this, McGee," Tony said quietly. "She wants in the loop and you all want to keep her out of the loop. I feel like the bad guy because I'm stuck in the middle. This is why I shouldn't be investigating this. I should be off somewhere without knowing what's going on. This is why we should've told someone sooner."

"Yea, but you didn't and now you're stuck with it. You're just trying to do what's right. Why do you look like you said something wrong?" McGee asked.

"I told her to start acting like the daughter of a dead man," Tony said putting his head down. "I feel terrible. I was so mean."

"This is why you should've told them," McGee said quietly.

"Told us what McGee?"

"That her staying at my apartment was a bad idea. My back is killing me, boss," Tony said quietly. "You know I can't sleep on a couch."

Tony twisted a little, to show that his back was bothering him and McGee shook his head. His instinct reactions to hide things from Gibbs and always have an answer ready were killing McGee. He didn't know how Tony and Ziva had gotten away with it this long, if they were really getting away with it. Perhaps it was that Gibbs was waiting for them to speak to him when they were ready and Tony and Ziva were just digging themselves into a hole at this point.

"You should've had her take the couch then. Your apartment," Gibbs said with a shrug. "Perhaps you'll remember that."

"She's a guest," Tony argued quietly. "No time for argument, your phone's ringing."

Tony's apartment

Tony and Gibbs walk in and find Ziva pointing a gun at them. "You should have knocked."

"I live here," Tony said.

"Yea, and you almost died here too," she replied angrily, obviously still a little upset, but she looked more worried than she should have.

"Tony, check with McGee," Gibbs said, glancing around. "Hey, you alright?"

"I don't know what I am right now," Ziva said honestly, glancing at Tony. "My father trusted Ilan."

Gibbs was still glancing around ad his eyes were narrowing the more he looked. "Rule number 8, never take anything for granted," he said quietly.

"Hold on a second," Tony said on the phone. "Bodnar's in the wind. McGee said his hotel room's scrubbed clean."

"Yea, well, he could be anywhere," Gibbs said.

"He could be watching us right now," Ziva said quietly glancing at Tony and Gibbs spotted a few things that were definitely not Tony's and glancing at Tony.

"I think we'll need to talk later, DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly, glancing around again. "Not here and not now. Back to the office."

The airport

"Don't do this," Tony whispered at the end of a long line of words that were unimportant to either of them. He shook his head slightly, feeling afraid for her.

"I'm going to a funeral, Tony," Ziva said quietly. "I am delivering my father's eulogy."

"How's this for an opening line," Tony said with a half smile as he still feared for Ziva. "He did it his way."

"My father was a… not an easy man to understand and yet…."

"Complicated runs in the family?" Tony asked with a significant look at Ziva who smiled.

"Tony, I...," Ziva began, unsure of what to say.

"What?" he asked.

With tears in her eyes she hugged him tightly. It was what she needed. "Come with me," she whispered in his ear. "Please."

"At lo levad," Tony whispered back and she pulled away and Tony took her hand.

"I know," she whispered and began walking with Tony on her arm and holding her tightly. She was smiling. "This is going to be difficult for you to explain, unless you already had your talk with Gibbs?"

"No," Tony said quietly. "I'll call him now, before we get on the plane."

Tony pulled out his phone and Ziva stopped next to him, smiling up at him, glad that he was risking his job to come with her to Israel. The other line rang twice and Gibbs answered.

"Yea, this is Gibbs," he said sounding tired.

"It's DiNozzo," Tony said quietly.

"I know. What is it DiNozzo? You got something for me?" he asked sounding irritated.

"Yea… um… I need some personal time, boss," Tony said quietly and hesitantly, hoping he wouldn't be asked for an explanation. "I'm… well, I'm not going to be around for a few days. I'll call you when I'm back in town… I'm sorry, boss."

"Never apologize," Gibbs said quietly and there was a moment of silence. "Take care of her DiNozzo, and bring her back in one piece, okay?"

"Sure thing, boss," Tony said quietly. "What're you going to tell Vance and the assistant director?"

"I'll think of something, always do. You just worry about you and Ziva," Gibbs said flinching at the way that sounded to him, realizing that he was in deeper than he thought he should be and knowing exactly what was happening without them saying a word. "I'll see you when you both get back."

The phone hung up and Tony had a look of surprise. "He took that surprisingly well," Tony said quietly. "No million questions."

"Some part of him knows, Tony," Ziva said. "I do not know how big that part is, but some part of him knew before he came to our place today."

Tony nodded and put an arm around Ziva's middle before guiding her onto the plane where her father was waiting to be flown home to Israel.