Chapter 5: Crawling in Mud

My dear dear readers, I apologise profusely. I have been very busy over this festive period ! As you are all aware, I am a highly important person. I've had so many work meetings.

Are you fooled yet?

I've been sat on my bum the past few weeks, finishing off my remaining Christmas chocolate. It's always sad when you finish them all. If you go to the shop and buy it yourself, you feel fat and guilty. However, at Christmas people give you chocolate and it's rude if you don't eat it all ! Well that is my excuse anyways.

Where did we leave off? Ah yes ! The Date.

It did not go well my little peas, not well at all. The hunk turned out to be 76, and named Frank. If I'm honest, we actually had a lovely date. We discussed our mutual interest in Antique Roadshow and our dislike of technology. It was all very lovely. However, when you see Gary and his new beau and you're sat there with a 76 year old man – not quite the 'sex goddess' image that I intended to portray. WHAT KIND OF NAME IS MISSY ! Ahem.

Happy New Year dear reader. Despite my chocolate fest ! It makes it sound so much more fun... 'fest'. You could add it onto any word and it just sounds so much more fun. Cake 'fest' or Bed 'fest' (ooo naughty).

Stevie and I decided to join a new fitness class. It is called Military Fitness and our first session is tonight. In preparation I have bought a new outfit – why do they insist on people wearing lycra when exercising ! I mean when you start exercising, you don't want to be wearing lycra ! You want to be wearing the biggest top you can find ! Oh well. I've even bought a sweat band, and matching water bottle. I will be the goddess of all the sex – I will have all that sex. See look reader, i'm catching it – I'm catching all the sex. Come back sex ! I need to catc-

'Miranda, what on earth are you doing?' said Stevie.

'Erm... A pre-workout? You know just thought I'd get ahead of it all. Little bit of this and that' I said, dancing around on the spot.

'Well we better get going or we'll be late, and you know what the military are like with being late'

'Maybe we'll get told off by our hunky instructor'

'Phoarrr' we said together.

As we arrived to the park, I realised I had no idea what I was letting myself into. Oh dear. As I looked around, the other women were about half my size and jogging around on the spot.

'Right, lets get running', called our instructor. He was about 6'3 and built like a tank. I am pretty sure I would have found him attractive, if he wasn't shouting so much !

Okay. Come on Miranda. Just pretend you're Lara Croft, you can do this. Just a light jog.

We're off ! Breathing, breathing. Going well, we're all in a pack together.

Breath heee haaaa heee haaa !

Oh dear, a couple of people have just over taken me. I can't even see where Stevie is – this is not going well but at least i'm not at the back just yet.

I'm at the back. After about another 4 people over taking me.

'Heel flicks', the instructor calls.

Heel what?! I begin to try and imitate the people in front of me. By in front, they are about 2 meters ahead of me !

Right just flick my heel here and there – i'm doing okay. I can't breathe and I think I'm about to collapse but it's all going well.

'Knees up!' another command.

Ooo I feel like I'm in Monty Python, doing a silly run. I'm trying to pull my knees up but I can't quite workout how to do that and also run. Oh dear I'm getting further behind, and I'm about to start crawling on the floor.

I wish I'd worn a sports bra. It's not only my knees that are going up and down !

They've stopped. Phew ! Okay can't breath dying, crawling on the floor and slowly come to stop.

'Time for a warm up !' he shouts.

That wasn't the warm up?! I thought that was the full exercise. I'm literally sweating buckets.

'Stee-Stee-vieee' I huff.

Annoyingly she seems a lot better than me, we both stand trying to get our breath back.

'Miranda?' calls a familiar male voice.

Oh dear. Yes my dear reader, you guessed it. It's Gary. This could get any worse.

'Hi' I say. I'm trying to sound like a dying animal

'This is Missy' he says.

It got worse. Of course, she looks great in lycra.

'Oh hi, yeah I'm just here for a work out. Bit of a lunge here and there, oh this? This is nothing compared to my usual work out. I'm just like, this is like a little stroll' I said. I wish I could shut up.

'Well you'll be in the advanced section then – with me and Gary' says the skinny minnie Missy.

'Well... yes' I say.

I think I'm going to die.

During the work-out I try to not draw attention to myself, but it doesn't help when you are very tall and sound like a dying animal.

My dear reader. I'm literally crawling along the floor. I can't feel any part of my body – I'm covered in mud and I can go on no more.

'Miranda do you want any -' asks Gary. Looking down at me lying on my back in the mud.

'Just go, leave me here'

They leave. Rude. It takes me half an hour of lying in the mud to attempt to move. I can't feel any part of my body and I only did 10 minutes of the workout. It isn't going well reader.

I push the door to the shop open, to see Stevie standing with a cup of coffee. What a sight I look – covered in mud, on my hands and knees crawling inside.

'Same time next week?', she asks.

Oh dear.

Note:

Sorry I've been away – I've been busy celebrating Christmas and actually doing little else ! This is kinda based on my first experience at military training. It didn't go well for me, and today I feel like I can't actually move ! Best Wishes :) HappyLola x