Plan 340: A Musical Interlude
Unless you've lived under a rock your entire life with no sense of hearing, I'm sure you've noticed that movies tend to have a soundtrack. You know happy-go-lucky chipper music for when the hero is skipping through a meadow, depressing slow stuff for the sad bits, the Hamster Dance when someone is being annoyed…
Come to think about it, life would be so much more interesting if there was theme music. Granted, every time I try to be sneaky and run down the hallway, I think of the Raiders March. It makes living here so much more entertaining, when you confuse others, pretending to be as epic as Indiana Jones, humming music as you go…
...Well ANYWAY it seems to me that all the villains have some sort of background music to…enhance their evilness…yeah that must be it. Something foreboding and sinister, that makes your skin crawl, your heart race, and causes you to break out in a cold sweat, the swooping crescendos and the music rises, rises, rise until…ba da da BA! There's the villain standing there, gloating over his victory…until the hero kicks some ass. But that comes later.
Voldemort doesn't have that, however. I mean, every time he stomps down the hall, there is no evil theme song, no tense wailings of violins, no forbidding darkness. For godssake, the birds don't even stop chirping.
Well, he doesn't seem like the brightest villain to me, so maybe that's the reason he doesn't get his own theme song.
This is why I decided to give Voldy his own theme music! Armed with my handy-dandy boombox, and stereo system still wired throughout the headquarters (seriously, WHY is that thing still hooked up?) I searched through my music collection, looking for some prime specimens. At last I found three likely canadates. Throwing the first CD into the player, I hurried off to Voldemort's chamber.
I decided it would be best to start off in the meeting. Right as he walked in. That way, he'd have his grand entrance (for once). At last, the door creaked open. Using the small remote hidden in my pocket, I pressed play as the Dark Lord took his first step into the room...
"TELL ME WHY, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE…"
Voldemort looked bewildered upon his entrance. But the chorus wasn't done yet…
"TELL ME WHY, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A MISTAKE. TELL ME WHY…"
By now some of the Death Eaters were looking confused as well. Voldy's face was getting redder and redder by the moment. And it looked to me like a couple of Death Eaters, Draco included, were looking bemused at the whole situation.
"I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU SAY: I WANT IT THAT WAY!"
And with the ending of the refrain, Voldemort blasted the boombox into a million tiny pieces. And after ranting for an hour, he finally cooled off and began his meeting…by ranting some more.
You may be wondering why he didn't blame any Death Eater for the "travesty that I suspect is corrupting our youth. Making them GOOD and not evil!" (Moldy's words, not mine. Thank God he's off the teen kick.) Apparently labeling an object with 'Property of the Order' is enough of a throw off.
Idiot.
Unfortunately, the Backstreet Boys proved unworthy as a theme song for the Dark Lord. Picky bastard. I grabbed another pre-labeled boombox and hooked it up to the stereo system. Voldemort likes to take a tour of headquarters every day to make sure everything is in order and to gloat about his relative awesomeness. Relative being that I think he's a moron, but that's beside the point.
So as soon as he began his march, I began mine.
The speakers boomed out one of the greatest villain songs of all time, the Imperial March. I think it made Voldy ten times more awesome…I mean, Darth Vader can be pretty evil, right? Well, at least his song is evil sounding.
I don't think Voldy appreciated it, though. He just got red-faced again, and yelled something about how the Order would pay a "thousand horrible deaths, via the Force" Then got even madder when he realized that he just used a Star Wars reference.
Needless to say, that song didn't last long either.
Which means it's down to the last song. And it's a doozy. Who knows? It may be perfect for him.
It was later that evening, when Voldemort had retired to his room. I crept down the hallway (humming the Raiders March as I did. God, that makes everything seem epic) and set out the last boombox. Then pressed the play button.
And ran like hell.
"COME ON EVERYBODY, IT'S THE HAMSTER DANCE!"
Ok, I admit it, I couldn't think of another evil song for Lord Voldemort. He was too picky…I mean, I had the one about him wanting things his way (Come to think of it, I should have thrown in a Burger King meal. Maybe that would have calmed him down…) and an evil march. He's too picky about these things, dammit!
But at least it was entertaining seeing him freak out about it. He seriously ran up and down the halls, tearing out his "hair." He tripped over Goyle in his mad rampage (Goyle, being one of the "guards" that night for outside of Voldy's doors. Don't know when he showed up, as he sure wasn't there when I was planting the music…
All in all, it was quite an entertaining scene to watch
Sucked when he blew up the last boombox, though. I paid good money for that! And I don't get paid! Asshole!
And this, my friends, is what happens when you try to do something NICE for the Dark Lord. Try to be helpful and he doesn't appreciate it. The moral of the story? Voldemort is a jerk. And he isn't cool enough to deserve his own theme music. Now if you excuse me, I need to go work on my sneakiness…Raiders March, here I come!