Plan 21: Why Voldy Hates Cake

It was that time of year again.

The time of year where you question your sanity of working for a delusional madman. The time where you wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the cackling. Where every day you woke up with a grimace because it was another day to suffer inane rantings that just seem to get worse and worse. Until finally it's over in one hellish bang, but leaves us with the uneasy feeling that it will be back again before we know it.

I am talking, of course, of Voldemort's birthday.

Yes, apparently evil wizards do celebrate birthdays. Hardcore. Seriously, for the past four weeks we had heard nothing other than Harry Potter must die and it's my birthday plan accordingly minions!

Basically, he wants us to do something special for his birthday. Despite the fact that he's getting on in years, he still anticipates his birthday like a little kid and acts about as whiny and spoiled as one to boot.

I guess when you're immortal things like age just don't matter. Even if you're ugly as sin with a personality to match.

Not only did we have to deal with planning the birthday bash, but the weeks been full of "briefings" about the approaching celebration. Most of them were pointless and just made us want to run away to the desert, hide in a cactus, and never come out again. Oh, and while it was summer and high noon too. That's how bad it gets.

Now you can see why this time of the year grates on my nerves. However, I think this year I'll make his birthday a little bit more "special." And I think I know just how to accomplish this…

Happy Birthday Voldemort

Every year for his birthday, Voldemort throws a huge party. While this could be good for getting completely plastered to the point where we don't remember that we're Death Eaters with no earning potential and likely to get thrown into Azkaban when this war is all over, Voldemort has to ruin it by making it a formal event. Complete with his top lackeys giving speeches and toasts to him all night. It's long, boring, and makes me want to throw up. Bunch of buttkissers.

It started off just like his other birthday. Voldemort gave us his life story about his rise from orphan-hood to greatness, then went on to the "accomplishments" of the year (What did we do all year again?) Lucius gave a speech about how the Dark Lord had been generous to his family and how he's the most evil wizard there ever was. Bellatrix agreed because she never has an original thought in her head. And Pettigrew groveled at Voldie's feet for a half-hour.

Dear God, help me. I'm surrounded by idiots!

But then they brought in the cake and my God was it a sight to behold. Layers upon layers of cake and frosting. Several candles at the top. Icing reading Happy Birthday Voldemort! The cake was huge, standing maybe 4 feet high and several feet across.

Feeding that many Death Eaters is hard work, yo!

With a triumphant (why triumphant, hell if I know) look on his face, Voldemort cut into his magnificent cake.

And it exploded into a cascade of sweet muck and Stunning spells. Many were stunned and fell over. Others were just terrified and fell over. I quickly ducked under a table and peaked out at what was yet to come.

Out of the mess climbed three people. I suppose you can already guess who they were.

"Happy birthday dung-sniffer!" yelled Ron, flinging cake into the stunned Voldemort's face

"Hope it has been unpleasant so far" Hermione added

"And hope you enjoy your gift. Be seeing you. Hope you never have another!" Harry finished. And as Voldemort glared, still unable to move, they Apparated, laughing hysterically.

Why Harry just didn't kill Voldemort then still weighs on my mind. Maybe he didn't feel like it or felt it just wasn't the right time. There seems to be some strong connection between Voldie and Harry so maybe he just has to figure that out first. Who knows?

But their gift to Voldemort wiped the Harry/Voldy questions from my mind. For in the rubble of the once beautiful cake was a case of Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs, all lit and ready to go.

Voldie's candles had nothing on that show. A happy birthday indeed.