Plans 34.1-34.5: Inappropriate Tributes to the Dark Lord
As you may or may not know, it isn't easy pleasing an evil overlord. They are mean-spirited whimsy killers of all things good and fun.
Also, they are bat-shit crazy paranoid of pretty much everyone around them.
Lord Voldemort is not different (unfortunately) and every so often he demands some present or tribute to prove our loyalty to his cause.
Socks do not cut it (unfortunately again). Many a Death Eater expendable has been fried due to a poorly thought out gift. After realizing he was killing off most of his supporters (and realizing that finding good help for an evil cause manned by a crackpot idiot) he decided that tribute would be anonymous. This has led to some very entertaining tributes left in the Dark Lord's name…as well as a few tributes left by yours truly, that just been weird as hell or annoying as all get out.
Let's get this list started, shall we?
1. Pets
To many people, pets would be a lovely addition for a lonely bastard that is bent on taking over the world.
Apparently not the case.
*Frogged*
"This present is wonderfully heavy and wrapped nicely," The Dark Lord snimpered as he picked up the giant box wrapped in silver and gold paper, "I wonder what it could be. Could some Death Eater be on their way to a promotion?"
Wait, we get promotions?
Voldemort opened the box, almost beaming in his snake-like flat-faced way. And then the attack began. Frogs began leaping out of the box by the bucketful in all their slimy green ribbity glory.
Despite its effects on the headquarters, I freakin' LOVE living next to a giant smelly pond.
Voldy screamed like a little girl and called for Nagini to eat the pests. However, she was a bit tied up at the moment: Apparently it is difficult for a snake to free itself from being clothes-pinned outside.
Frogs were everywhere in the meeting room, Death Eaters ducking left and right as amphibians rained down upon us all. It was glorious. But Voldemort must hate amphibians. He banned any mention of the incident, blaming the Order for "the plague" (Dramatic much?) And we spent the next week cleaning slime off of all the surfaces in that room.
Worth it? I think so.
2. Body Modification
You would THINK this would be self-explanatory. Who wants to decorate themselves in honor of an evil cause? That's just begging for Aurors to come and swoop down on you. Hell, the Dark Marks are already a pretty big give away.
But as common sense isn't so common, some Death Eaters take great joy in body modification to appease their master.
They are idiots.
And Voldemort thinks so too (OMG logic!)
*Inked*
"My lord and master" Bellatrix murmured, as she approached the Dark Lord during the hourly meeting (help, help, HELP)
"Yes?" Voldemort was perfecting his evil grin and persona: grinned evilly and leaned forward with his head resting on his spindly fists (seriously, this guy has the strength of a toothpick. If he didn't have a wand, I'd laugh his ass out of the country.)
"I knowed we agreed that tribute should be secret-like" she said, sidling up closer to his side and butchering English in the process, "But I must protest in this case."
Voldemort sighed as if displeased, but since the guy is like a kid and his pleasure and eagerness for a gift cannot be masked, he replied "Go ahead."
To which Bellatrix lifted up her shirt to about her bra area. On her torso was a giant tattoo of Voldemort's face, complete with snakes and a banner reading 'I pledgd my sole 2 Lord Voldemurt.'
…Yeah…what can you really say to that? I muffled my snorts of laughter, the other Death Eaters smirked, some were confused as hell, and Voldemort had a look of pity, disgust, and 'what the flying fuck?' written on his face.
"You like?" Bellatrix grinned, "It was expensive and done out of pure adoration and love for you and the Death Eaters." She grinned at us all, as if we were supposed to appreciate the fact that she had a wobbly face permanently inked onto a flabby stomach to prove her loyalty to him AND us. Oh God, where to begin on this train wreck…
"Uh…Bellatrix…don't you think it's a bit extreme? Also, the grammar and spelling is atrocious and it's not exactly a good likeness of the Dark Lord" I piped up from the back of the room. Like Hell I was going to let this mocking opportunity pass.
"SHUT UP!" She roared, making the front people jump back, and even startling Voldy a bit, "YOU HAVE NO APPRECIATION FER THE MASTER! AND NONE FER ART!"
Voldemort stared at the tattoo a bit more. "It looks more like a potato with eyes" He finally muttered, sending Bella into stunned silence, "But uh…I appreciate your loyalty to our cause."
I could have sworn that at the end of his statement he murmured "I think…"
*Pins and Ribbons*
"My Leige!" One of the new recruits ran up to Voldemort one quiet day, grinning as all crazy can be, "I can finally show you my life's work towards the Dark Lord's cause!"
"Perfect!" Voldy chuckled "Let me see your gift."
To which the new guy pulled off his shirt, revealing the piercings that criss-crossed his back. Satin ribbon spelled out Voldemort.
Voldemort was stunned.
I haven't seen the guy since…
3. Money
Ok, so not really money. After all, to fund a world-conquest, you need to have some dough. So maybe I should make myself more clear as to what I mean not appreciating the sentiment of cold-hard cash…
*My kingdom for that squirrel!*
One day I was bored as hell. And for once I wasn't completely broke and had a Galleon on me. And a role of fishing line left over.
Let the fun begin.
LATER
"Why, some thoughtful minion has left me money!" Moldy grinned widely as he spotted the gold coin lying in the hallway outside his door.
As he bent to pick it up, the coin jerked from his grasp and laid still once more. Confused, Voldy tried again. The coin jerked away and began sliding down the hall.
Meanwhile (back on Endor?) a squirrel with some fishing line tied to his tail, was following a trail of acorns that I leisurely threw down the hallway. The farther I threw the acorn, the farther he ran. And the farther that Galleon traveled down the hall. And eventually down into the dungeon.
Voldemort and stairs don't mix well.
The squirrel was pretty happy (and full) though.
4. Arts and Crafts
They say that homemade gifts are the best way to show someone that you care. They take time and effort, and therefore are a direct indicator of how much you appreciate and adore the receiver.
Right?
Well…
*Glitter and Rainbows*
To say that Voldemort is a dark person is an understatement. He is a moron, sure, but he is a cold-hearted, dark-minded, and evil SOB.
So when he got on his homemade gift kick (remember that homemade gifts from the heart thing? Yeah, he apparently read the same book) it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the vats of glitter unattended.
See, I have a brother. And once upon a time, we used to do a lovely prank to one another that involved a bucket with Legos (or various other toys) set on top of a door. Open the door and it falls. Painful and simple, isn't that the hallmark of a good prank?
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" The hallways of the headquarters rang with the shrieks of an evil madman who just had about a gallon of blue glitter tumble onto his head.
I left others on the bathroom (where he'll run to get the stuff off) and on his door (where he'll run for safekeeping). Purple and pink respectively. There may be some paste involved in this…
It's gonna be a good day.
*Knitting*
Around Christmas word got out that I knew how to knit.
This is not technically a lie, but mostly is. See, I was taught the art of knitting…but I can't really do anything arts and crafts related without it all blowing up in my face.
But Legilimency is a bitch and unfortunately both Voldy and that…oh what's his name…Snap...Sape…SNAPE (That's it! ) have this ability. Despite the memories I have of my grandmother chiding me for knitting rows wrong, tangling the yarn into impossible knots, fencing my friends with the needles/throwing the yarn at them, and just making an overall mess that should just not be possible with this craft, the fuckers decided I should teach a class on the subject. Boost morale; stave off the boredom that winter can bring, etc…
How the lesson went:
"NO! You do not stab others with the needles!"
"I have no idea. Ask someone who actually has the patience to knit."
"No, I don't have any silver yarn. No one has silver yarn. We have black and…black"
"How the flying hippogriff did you manage to do THAT with the yarn?"
"Go hug a goddamn cactus you twit!"
"Hey everybody do the hamster dance!"
Needless to say, Voldy and Snape got some very ugly sweaters with large holes, bits of "shrapnel" from the needles" impossible patterns from black yarn (how the hell did they manage to do that?) and much distaste from the bored and annoyed Death Eater Knitting Brigade.
That'll teach them to get into my head.