Oh thank goodness, I'm not the only one who has written bad Sues. I am so relieved! On another note, I don't think I should watch bad X-factor auditions on Youtube while writing this. It gives me too many ideas.
Also, it is 2AM here and I'm tired so I am shortening pen-names where I can.
Meepalicious - That's me! In all my, uh, senility. 0.o The years in Gondor weren't good to me.
androidilenya - Hobbits are a nice people. Strangely, I've never written a Harry Potter fanfic, despite being a massive fan of the books. Part of the Goblet of Fire was even filmed in the gorge beyond my house (it was a two second background shot but STILL!)
Aayla - You want to cook for Hobbits and you say you don't have lofty aspirations? You must be an excellent cook! :P And about the characters... *shuffles feet* uuuuuuh, Sam is staying! For the forseeable future! I think...
Olliphaunt - I love Gollum! I think he is my favourite character in this!
asymmetrical - Thank you!
Certh - *coughs suspiciously* Yeah, about the characters, uuhhh. Sam is staying for now! And Boromir, although he is dead! And you made a twin for Galabríawenúthien! Elrond has some explaining to do, he has way too many daughters running around!
Wolf - Uh, thank you? I'm taking this as a compliment. :S
DecoraRae - I like that plan! And seriously, work on a fic and then take the plunge and post it. There are some wonderful people here who will give you lots of help if your OC does happen to be Suish.
trollalalala - Thank you!
LiteratureCat - Hello, fellow Cat! Glad you liked it! :D
Aragorn pushed Boromir's funeral boat out into the waters of the Anduin with tears in his eyes.
"He shall be missed," Leggy announced from behind him.
"Mmhm," Gimli agreed. Aragorn gritted his teeth. Despite Sam and Boromir returning to normal, his other companions were still their irritating selves.
As the boat swept away down the river, a lone figure in a golden sequined tunic rose from the bank downriver and cleared its throat.
"Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed bonny booooooooooooooooooooat like a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiird on the WING!" the orc screeched.
"Oh, kill it! In the name of all the Valar, kill it!" Aragorn roared. An arrow flew from Leggy's bow and with a strangled cry, the orc flopped forwards into the water.
He turned back to his companions.
"Frodo and Sam are gone! We don't follow them, they are on their own path now! We must find Merry and Pippin," he said firmly. "We cannot leave them in the hands of those creatures." He glared at the body floating in the river.
"Let's hunt some orc!"
"Pip, Pip! Are you OK?"
"I think so. What is wrong with the orcs?"
"I don't know. They can't sing a note to save their lives."
"Maybe we should show them how it is done, eh Merry?"
"...No, Pip. Let's just focus on staying alive. Wait, what was that?"
"Ye can tak oor lives, but you cannae tak oor freeeeeeeeedom!"
"Oh dear. Pip, I don't think our troubles are over yet."
Frodo and Sam lay very quietly and still at the foot of the cliff. They could hear a most troublesome pest approaching, a pest that had dogged them for many leagues.
"This is most tiresome, precious. There is no proper paths, no proper signs. We would get horribly lost, if not for the precious, wouldn't we my love?" Gollum crooned as he crept towards them. "We shall set everything right. Everything shall be safe," he continued, stretching a hand towards Frodo.
Within a few minutes they had him trussed up and were examining him critically.
"Where do you think he found the pin-stripe suit?" Sam asked.
"We wanted to wear proper clothes! We felt naked, precious, and it was unsafe for us to traverse the rough terrain in what we wore before!" Gollum moaned.
"And you thought a pin-stripe suit and a briefcase were better choices?" Frodo asked.
"We were hard-pushed and the gentleman's outfitters we visited did not stock mountaineering gear, did it my love? No, precious, it did not!"
Sam picked up the beautiful leather briefcase and shook it cautiously.
"What have you got in here?" he asked. Gollum immediately turned furtive.
"Do not ask us, not its business," he muttered. Sam opened the clasp and reached a hand inside.
"Some string, a knife," he said, pulling them out and handing them to Frodo. "An empty bag labelled Nothing and what's this at the bottom?"
He suddenly dropped the bag and wiped his hands quickly on his trousers. "You animal! Where did you get them and why would you have them!" he yelped. Gollum looked affronted.
"One never knows when we might need a spare pair of handses," he said loftily. Frodo decided he really didn't want to look in the briefcase now.
The Three, sorry, the Four Hunters sat on a hilltop and waited. They had been waiting for the past hour.
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Leggy asked. Galabríawenúthien reached into Gimli's beard and pulled out a battered script. She flicked through it and then pursed her lips.
"Four Hunters run into Rohan. Four Hunters hide from eorlingas. Aragorn hails the leader and the Riders encircle them. You are then supposed to have a short conversation with their leader Éomer in which he tells us that Merry and Pippin are apparently dead-"
"Spoilers! Do not want!" Leggy screamed, pressing his hands to his ears. She ignored him.
"He then gives us some horses and we continue on," she said and rolled the script up again.
"Hrrh mrrate," Gimli grumbled as she pushed it back into his beard. Aragorn stood and stretched.
"Well, we've waited long enough for them," he said. "We know what direction to take so let's get started."
They walked over the next hill to where the smoking bonfire of orc corpses lay. Even as Aragorn noticed the strange scores in the ground that told Merry and Pippin's story, Galabríawenúthien sprinted for the trees screeching that the Handkerchief of Foresight had told her that they were in danger. They followed her rippling white dress as closely as they could through the misty forest until Gimli nearly crashed right into her as she knelt behind a tree.
"The White Wizard," she breathed and pointed a beautifully manicured finger.
"Let's kill him!" Leggy hissed and Gimli nodded grimly.
"Wait a second, I don't think we should just attack a Wizard with no plan-" Aragorn began but the other three charged off without listening.
He waited. There was a small ching like a blade being drawn from a sheath and then a bright flash of white light. Gimli flew backwards and crashed into a bush.
"It's me you morons!" a voice yelled. A very familiar voice.
"Gandalf?" Aragorn asked, stepping around the tree. The Wizard was standing on a small knoll with a furious expression on his face. He was also dressed in skin-tight white jeans, an open-necked white shirt and his beard had been cropped close to his face. "You... look different," the Ranger said helplessly.
"That is because I am no longer Gandalf the Grey, I am now Gandalf the White!" he crowed.
"You look fabulous!" Galabríawenúthien gushed. Gandalf's face fell slightly.
"Fabulous? Alas no, that title still belongs to Saruman even if his heart has shrivelled and turned from good."
He looked down sadly and then raised his head and beamed brightly at them. "Never mind! I'm back now, so let's shake a leg and go right some wrongs!"
"What about Merry and Pippin?" Leggy asked as they trotted after him. He stopped, causing them to crash into one another.
"Merry and Pippin... Merry and Pippin..." he said thoughtfully. "Oh, them! Don't worry about them, they are perfectly safe! Now come along!"
Aragorn's heart sunk. What on earth was wrong with his old friend?! After Galadriel's words in the tavern, he had had an inkling that Gandalf still lived but he was appalled that his friend's character had been changed so.
Appalled that is, until Gandalf half-turned and surreptitiously winked at him, a cunning and familiar smile curving around his mouth. Hope bloomed again in his chest as he realised that it was act, although he could not divine the reasoning behind it.
Frodo read once more through the document and then slid it across the rock to the waiting Gollum. The creature dug in his briefcase and produced a pair of cracked spectacles which he balanced on the end of his nose and surveyed the parchment before him.
"We, Gollum and Sméagol, being of unsound minds and body, do solemnly swear that we are up to no good," he read. Sam immediately bent over the document.
"Read it properly," he snapped. Gollum pulled a face.
"Being of unsound minds and body, do solemnly swear to follow Messers Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee and facilitate them whenever they need. We shall guide them and find paths for them and we shall not attempt to throttle them in their sleep. We swear this on the Precious, which is more precious to us than life itself. Yes, everything seems in order. We agree to this," he said. Frodo slid him a pen and he scrawled a G and an S at the foot of the parchment.
Sam snatched it away from him and examined the signatures critically. "Well, I still don't trust you. But you've given us your word and if Mr Frodo trusts you then it is good enough for me."
"Lead on, Gollum," Frodo said. Sam sighed and began to fold the contract to stow away in his pack. He paused and unfolded it again, staring in wonder at the back of it.
"Mr Frodo," he said slowly. "The map of a castle has appeared on here!"
So, you have to reach into Gollum's briefcase and pull out one of his objects. Do you get the knife, the string, the bag of nothing or the handses? Or are you lucky enough to get his glasses? :D
Until next time, which is going to take a while because I have to think up something for the Ents.
And the Rohirrim are going to take me forever.
Why do I do this to myself?