Note: I know I have been known to erratically update but I am finally being loyal to my readers and writing a chapter weekly. So enjoy!
Chapter 13 – Karaoke Hour
Simon impatiently drummed his fingers along the judges table. "Next please."
Birdo timidly entered the room taking her sweet time on her way to the stage. "Hey, my name is Birdo and I will be singing Thriller by… no I don't think I like that one, uh, I'm going to sing Stayin' Ali- no, no that's no good either…hm…"
"Just pick something already!" Simon shouted making her jump.
She shot him a hateful look. "Well, if you're going to be bitchy about it…" She suddenly stopped, an evil grin filling her face. "I'll be singing Bitch by Meredith B. Toad."
Frank sighed placing his head in his hands. "When you're ready."
I'm a BITCH, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Simon raised his hand in the air, indicating for her to stop. "Next?"
"Wait you didn't even say anything about my performance." Birdo replied with a confused look.
Heidi giggled. "Do you really want to hear what he has to say?"
"Too late, she asked for it. Let's see… I've heard drunken sailors sing better than you, grandmas with no teeth enunciate more properly, and I would have rather spent the last fifteen seconds of my life that I just wasted on listening to you shoving barbed wire up my ass." Simon then waved the back of his hand toward her not wanting to listen to her blubber.
Birdo began wheezing and twitching before she collapsed on the stage. Kandy cocked her head and raised her eyebrows glancing over to the producers. Two toads with a stretcher entered the room and loaded Birdo on it carrying her away.
The next contestant entered the room which was Johnny Depp the Shy Guy. He seemed as if he was going to pass out from nervousness at any moment. "H-hi, hi, hehe, hi. I'm Johnny and I'm going to p-p-perform You're Beautiful by James B. Toad."
Frank felt sorry for him. "Are you going to be okay?"
He took a deep breath and nodded before he began to sing.
I s-saw an angel of that I'm s-sure
She s-smiled at me on the s-subway
S-she was with another man
But I won't loose no, s-sleep on that
Cause of got a plan
You're beautiful, You're b-beautiful
You're beautiful it's true
It was Heidi who raised her hand this time. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but that wasn't very good. You should probably leave now."
He pulled a Birdo and passed out on the stage.
"Oh good lord, we've got another one." Simon uttered in annoyance, yelling then to the toads who loaded him up. "Make sure you get him a therapist, someone who can get rid of that bloody stutter."
Geno entered the room, a gold pimp chain hanging around his neck. "What up? Word to ya, Simon. I'm G-g-g-Geno! I'll be rapping for you Candy Shop by 50 Coin."
I'm a seasoned vet when it come to this shit
After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick
I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl not in you hand, haha
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl don't you stop
Keep going till you hit the stop, WOAH
Simon proceeded to laugh. "No one wants a taste of your hairy lollipop or listen to your voice which is even more impotent. Take your two-incher and get out of here."
Geno then did some gang sign and promised Simon he would get his 'crew' up on him. After he strutted out, in walked Parakarry a grin a mile wide on his face. "I'm so excited, to tell you the truth I hoped we would get to sing. Anyway, my name is Parakarry and I will be singing Here Comes the Flood by Peter G. Toad."
"One of my favorite songs, you may begin." Simon stated.
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
And as the nails sunk in the cloud
The rain was warm and soaked the crowd
Lord, here comes the flood
We will say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again, the seas are silent and any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up dreamers your running dry
Heidi seemed to have tears in her eyes as she stopped him. "That was beautiful."
"You provoked so much emotion in your voice even with such a short time." Frank added.
Simon smiled proudly at him. "You did it justice, I was worried considering all the idiots we've had come in here. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."
Parakarry flew in the air letting out a victory shout. "Thank you so much." He happily flew off as Daisy entered. Her normally formal dress was traded in for one that showed off a hefty amount of cleavage and was cut way above the knee.
"I can see your hoochie up that skirt." Simon said to her as she climbed up the steps to the stage.
Heidi smirked. "Whatever you do don't bend over."
Daisy slowly shook her hair as wind flew through it. "I'm Daisy and I will be performing Milkshake by Kelis Toad."
"Where the hell is that wind coming from?" Kandy asked out loud as she looked around.
The princess didn't seem like one at all after she started shaking her titties to the judges.
Lalalalala, warm it up
Lalalalala, the boys are waiting
My milkshake brings all the boys the yard
And their like its better than yours
DAMN right its better than yours
I can teach you but I have to charge
She then got down on all fours slowly crawling forward while she growled like a sex fiend. I know you want it, the thing that makes me.
"No, we don't want it at all. Actually I feel as if I'm going to regurgitate my breakfast and then you can eat that milkshake. Next please before I go completely blind and deaf." Simon urgently called to her, fearing she would start disrobing the very little clothes she had on. Daisy swayed her hips as she left being a whore until the very end.
Wiggler took his place on stage, waving merrily to the judges. "Wiggler. 100 Years by Five for Fighting."
"Well, he gets to the point now doesn't he." Frank commented to Heidi.
Fifteen there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to loose
Yourself within a morning star
Fifteen I'm alright with you
Fifteen there's never a wish better than this
When you only got a hundred years to live
"You're only going to have thirty more seconds to live if I have to listen to that much longer." Simon interrupted.
"What did you say?" Wiggler shot back a hostility to his voice.
"You heard me that was so excruciatingly bad it was like sticking a dirty syringe in my ear." He retorted.
Wiggler started to turn red feeling the urge to kill him. Heidi glanced over at Simon. "You better stop."
He laughed in return. "Or what he's going to sing until my head explodes?"
"No I'm going to do this." Wiggler shouted, fully red and steaming mad, he charged off the stage and rammed into Simon sending him across the room. He immediately changed back to his normal color letting out a sigh. "I feel better." Then he walked out of the room as if nothing had happened.
Simon slowly raised his hand. "I'm okay."
No one responded with glee, they had all hoped the attack would have killed him but they weren't so lucky. The bad luck continued as Twila took the stage. "My name is Twila and I'll be singing Dancin' in the Moonlight by King Harvest."
Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight
We like our fun and we never fight
You can't dance and stay uptight
"Yes you can." Simon said and proceeded to do a short little ditty that was worse than any of the contestants. Granted he did have a neck brace on. "Apparently you can sing without any pitch too. Next?"
Amazee Dayzee happily waltzed onto the scene, taking her place on stage. "Tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki. Tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki-tuki."
Frank and Simon looked to Heidi in confusion. "She said her name and said she was going to sing I'll Be by Edwin McToad."
"This is going to be brutal." They both muttered in return.
Amazee Dayzee sang completely in Tuki and much to the judges' surprise, while they couldn't understand what she was singing, it was perfectly in tune.
Simon rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I'm actually going to say this but, congratulations you are moving onto the next round."
Bombette was next and continued the streak of people with some talent. She performed a well received rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and was moving onto the next round. The same couldn't be said about Baby Bowser who sang I Want to Fuck You Like an Animal. Simon told him just to go and he did knowing he couldn't sing to save his life.
Janice Dickinson drunkenly entered the room and stumbled onto the stage. "Me Janice, me sing Hollaback Girl by Gwen."
A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
Ooo, this my shit this my shit
Ooo, this my shit this my shit
Ooo, this my shit this my shit
I heard that you were talking shit
"Stop! If you say the word shit again in the next five seconds I am going to kill myself with a tooth pic. That has to be the most idiotic song I have heard in my life." You-know-who shouted.
She frowned. "But I haven't even gotten to the good part."
This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This SHIT is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
"That song is retarded, R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D. Now leave." Simon growled.
Next was Lakilester who floated onto the stage. "Yo, my name is Spike. And I'm going to be singing Born to Be Wild by Steppenthomp."
Frank looked down at his notes. "It says here your name is Lakilester."
"Whatever, yo. Just call me Spike." He replied crossing his arms.
Heidi nodded in compliance, knowing they could go on back and forth for forever. "Alright, Spike. Start."
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Born to be WILD
Yea, born to be wild
"Born to be tone deaf, next please." Simon simply stated.
Jinx predictably sang Kung Fu Fighting and was promptly 'kicked' off the stage. He joined the growing list of singing failures. Next was Yoshi. "I'm Yoshi and I'll be performing Hear You Me by Pokey Eat World."
You gave us someplace to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now?
So lucky so strong so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
"Well, you'll have another chance when you move on to the next round. Congratulations, that was great." Heidi interrupted.
Big Bertha, the obese Cheep-Cheep, entered and took her place on stage. "My name is Big Bertha and I'll sing for you Toads Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi L. Toad."
The phone rings in the middle of the night
My father yells whatcha gonna do with your life
Oh daddy dear you know your still number one
But toads they wanna have fun
Toads just wanna have
That's all they really want is some fun
"You know what I really want?"
Bertha shook her head dumbly.
"I want you to shut up. That was horrendous. I've heard babies crying that were more appeasing to the ears." Simon ridiculed.
The next contestant was Raphael. "I'm Raphael and I'm performing L-O-V-E by Nat King Toad."
L is for the way I look at you
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
Simon raised his hand. "Let me sing you my version. L is for the way I LAUGH at you, O is for the only one ear I can hear out of now, V is very very and utterly REPULSIVE, E is even more annoying than a dying moose. I think you can conclude where you need to go now."
Raphael exited solemnly as Lady Bow entered. "Hehe! I am the magnificent Lady Bow and I will be wowing you with Your Love is Like a Heatwave by Reeves Toad and the Toadettes."
Is this the way love's supposed to be?
It's like a heatwave
Burnin' like a heatwave
Deep in my heart
I can't keep from cryin'
It's tearin' me apart
Due to Bow's overconfidence Simon was going to enjoy tearing her down but to his surprise she was good. He unhappily sighed, he liked being mean. "Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."
Simon soon got his chance because the same couldn't be the said for Don Pianta. The mobster sang a sadistic and scary version of With This Knife by Smile Empty Piranha.
"I need a knife to cut off my ears before they have to endure anymore abuse. Seriously, I am stupefied by how mortifyingly appalling that was."
Jeffrey Star, who was next to enter, was queered out in tight leather jeans and the universal black t-shirt for gay guys. "Hey Heidi girlfriend. How are you doing Frank sweetie? And, um… hi Simon. I'm going to sing Ride Rough by Jim V. Toad." He exclaimed excitedly with hand movements and all.
Make me hot babe I can't hide
If you swerve it to the left you can work it inside
Give me the keys cause I want to drive
And I'll grab your stick shift I want to ride
We're gonna ride it rough
Jump into the fast lane
Pull over and let's just, Panting noises
We're gonna ride it rough
Speed it up don't hit the break
Pull over and let's just
You don't wanna know what I really want to say
The judges sat there wide eyed. Simon finally started laughing. "Way to fill every gay stereotype there. I don't want to know what you want to say, I don't even want to look at you right now. Next, please! Good lord."
Jeffrey grinned evilly at him. "Don't let your girlfriend find out about last night." He then rubbed his lips suggestively and walked out of the room.
Frank and Heidi looked over at him with accusing faces.
"He's lying! You think I'd actually do something with him?" Simon exclaimed.
Heidi giggled. "Well, you know what they say about gay guys. They are better with their mouths if you catch my drift."
He gave a look of disgust. "Ask Frank, I wouldn't have any idea about that."
"Am I interrupting something?" Professor E. Gadd called to them from the stage.
Frank fumed over at Simon momentarily before he turned. "Nope, go ahead."
"My name is Professor Edward Gadd and I will be performing Downtown by Petula C. Toad."
You can forget all
your troubles
Forget all your cares so go downtown
Things'll be
great when you're
Downtown, no finer
place for sure
Downtown, everything's waiting for you
Downtown
Heidi held up her hand and turned to Simon. "You certainly had a fun time downtown last night, didn't you?"
"I did no such thing!" He shouted in return.
Frank smiled. "Oh right, it was Jeffrey who went downtown."
"Or maybe you took the back road." Heidi barely got out before she burst into laughter.
The panel continued to bicker back and forth as the professor rolled his eyes and walked out. Sonic cleared his throat to get their attention. "I'm next so, uh, hi my name is Sonic and I'm going to sing Iris by the Goo Goo Goombas."
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
It was Frank who smiled warmly at him. "That was very good. Quite possibly the best we've had all day."
"Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round. You may leave. Simon's too busy packing fudge at the moment to critique." Heidi added.
Sonic looked at them as if they were all on drugs, which they probably were. He left the room as Simon muttered something under his breath about Heidi.
"Only eleven more names left on the list." Frank said with a sigh, glad it was almost over.
The most promising contestants seemed to be coming up including Mario, Peach, and Luigi. But would any of them be able to carry a tune?