Note: Although apparently the fan base for this story has weakened significantly I am going to see it to the end. At least I know one person is reading. (Thanks, Dixie, have I told you you're amazing?)

Chapter 14 – You Are the Weakest Singer

Mario was next in line and walked confidently into the room. He took his spot on stage and grinned at the judges, pulling on the straps of his overalls. "Howdy. I'm Mario and I'll be singing Hey Mickey by Toni B. Toad."

Simon burst into laughter and then stopped after he saw the confused look on Mario's face. "Oh, you weren't kidding. Begin then."

Oh Mickey you're so fine you're so fine
You blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey what a pity you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey you're so pretty can't you understand?
Its guys like you Mickey, what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey

Simon clapped slowly and deliberately. "Wow. That was mind blowing… and not in the good way. I don't know if Mickey will break your heart so why don't I step in and do it for him? I'd rather stick a bucket full of poisonous spiders in my pants, fall face first into a pile of horse shit, and jab virus-infected needles into my eyes than listen to your voice. Next please."

Mario swallowed his pride and slowly walked out, embarrassed and upset.

"A simple no would have sufficed." Heidi told Simon.

"Where's the fun in that?" He replied with a chuckle.

The next person to be defamed on national television, I mean sing for the judges, was Frogfucius. He hobbled onto the stage with use of his cane. "Afternoon, I am Frogfucius and I will be performing the classic We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina T. Toad."

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is fight the young
The Thunderdome
Looking for something we can rely on
There's got to be something better out there

"I agree with you. There's got to be someone that's better than you out there. We don't need another idiot like you to come in and waste our time so why don't you kick yourself in the ass and leave." Simon interrupted with pleasure.

Frogfucius shook his head a few times. "You, sir, are extremely rude."

He grinned. "What was that? All I heard was blah blah blah, I can't sing."

"Sorry about that. He hasn't had his daily dose of sausage yet." Frank said.

The old frog looked over at Simon and snickered as he made his way out. "Oh. I didn't realize he was a fairy lover."

"Enough of the fag jokes! I'm not gay!" Simon screamed.

Before another argument about Simon's sexuality ensued Petey Piranha stomped into the room. "Rawr! Petey! Sing I Hate Everything About You, Three Boos Grace."

Only when I stop to think about it
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
Why do I love you?
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
Why do I love you?

Simon's eyes widened. "I can relate. I hate everything about your singing. If you ever try to sing again I feel sorry for the poor souls within the vicinity because they will drop like flies. Quite a powerful weapon you have there though. You can label it the singing voice of doom or stop or I'll sing and it'll kill you. Go now."

Petey sat down on the stage and started pounding his fists, the room shaking with each hit.

"Calm down, he was only joking it was amazing." Heidi quickly told him.

He stopped and looked at her. "Rawr?"

Frank smiled and nodded. "Yes it was super."

"Rawr! Lalalala." The giant piranha plant voiced as he skipped happily out of the room.

Simon gave them a look that spoke volumes. "You really enjoyed that?"

Heidi rolled her eyes. "Of course not but we wouldn't have a stage much longer if he had continued like that."

Mallow hesitantly entered the room, nervously moving onto the stage. "Hi, my name is Mallow and I'll be singing Imagine by John Lennon."

Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing the world
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one

Heidi smiled sweetly. "That was so tender I feel like crying."

"As if the world will ever be like that." Simon stated sadistically.

Mallow shrugged. "We can all dream."

"We would be fools not to pass you onto the next round. Congratulations." Frank exclaimed.

"Thank you very much." He replied with a humble grin.

Peach strutted into the room next and took the stage. "You know who I am or at least you will after I'm done. My name is Peach and I'm very sweet if you want to take a taste."

Kandy's face scrunched up with disgust. "Does being a slut run in the blood of these princesses or what? Maybe this is their only chance to act like little floozies."

She proceeded to blow kisses to the panel. "And I will be performing Like a Virgin by Madonna Toad."

Heidi rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

Peach pulled off her dress and revealed a pointed Madonna-style bustier with lace panties.

You make me feel
Yea you make me feel shiny and new
Ow, like a virgin
Touch for the very first time
Like a VIRGIN
When your heart beats next to mine

"How much should I pay you?" Simon asked.

She looked at him confused.

"You mean you're not a whore? Because you sure fooled me. I think a thousand coins should cover it." He continued.

Peach's mouth dropped as she started to take out her earrings. "What did you call me?"

Simon laughed. "Like you weren't expecting it, you look like you just got off some street corner. I guess you made enough money for your pimp because I don't see any bruises."

"Oh hale naw." She stated as she took off her rings one by one and then her high heels. Peach made her way off the stage and to the judges table, bringing her face directly in front of Simon's. "You want to run that by me one more time?"

He grinned evilly. "Let me make it easy for you. You…look…like…a…hoe."

"I hit like one too cause you gonna bitch slapped." She shouted and then slapped him across the face. "Who's the whore now, hm?"

Peach giggled to herself and walked casually out of the room while putting her jewelry back on. Simon sat there stunned rubbing his red face while Heidi and Frank snickered. Next to enter the room was Peach's arch rival Valentina. "My name is Valentina and I will be performing My Heart Will Go On by Celine D. Toad."

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart and
My heart will go on and on

"Too bad my ears won't. That was so nauseatingly ghastly if it was a smell it would be a rotting skunk drenched in rancid milk." Simon scorned.

Valentina couldn't stop the smile that filled her face. "You free Saturday night?"

His face dropped. "Um, I, uh… if you haven't heard I'm gay."

Frank grinned at him. "No he's not. He'd love to go out with you."

"Right, wait for him after the show." Heidi added.

Valentina gave him a wink and then walked out of the room.

"You call me gay up till now?" He asked them.

"At that moment it was more beneficial that you were straight." Frank replied.

Simon shook his head slowly. "Great, now I'll have crater-face stalking me."

Luigi was patiently waiting on stage already when the judges greeted him. The song choice didn't matter because like his brother he was officially tone deaf. Simon delivered one of his trademark wicked remarks and sent him on his way. On the opposite spectrum was Brighton who waltzed into the room. "My name is Brighton and I'm going to sing I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy C. Toad."

I can see clearly now the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day
It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiny day

"That was actually decent." Simon somewhat complimented.

Heidi nodded. "Yes, much better than some. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

Bowser's sidekick Kammy Koopa was next and floated on her broom into the room. "I'm not very good at this sort of thing so, uh, my name is Kammy and I'll sing Don't Cha by the Pussycat Koopas."

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha? Don't cha?

She bent over and slowly rose up, her hands moving over her no-no area and her saggy old breasts. It was definitely a site that only the strong stomached should have to face.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha? Don't cha?

She brought up her arms and started shaking back and forth like a fat black girl would at a night club. Except she was old and not wearing a bra and oh, the mental image is frightening enough without anymore detail.

The judges were disgusted as Simon spoke. "Well I have to congratulate you on having the balls to perform that song. Other than that it was visually disturbing and vocally upsetting. If I was half blind and dying and you were the last thing alive to give me some sort of provocative dance I would simply croak over and let myself die to save myself from the sight of you."

"For once I agree." Frank said.

Kammy put a spell on Simon and left the room before she would be the subject of any more abuse. The red Axem ranger replaced her on stage. "Hey, I'm the red Axem ranger and I'll be singing Lips of an Angel by Hinder."

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Heidi raised her hand. "That was pretty good. Congratulations, you are moving onto the next round."

"Hell yea!" He shouted in return, doing a victory dance and then happily walking out of the room.

Toad was next and the room burst into applause as he entered. He looked around his cheeks blushing. "Thank you, thank you."

"Weren't not clapping for you we're clapping because you're the last person to sing." Simon told him.

He frowned. "Oh. Well, I'm Toad and I'm going to perform Toadalicious by Fergie Toad."

I blow kisses, mmmwwahh
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got
So delicious, it's hot hot
So delicious, I put them boys on rock rock
So delicious, they wanna taste of what I got
I'm Toadalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tasty tasty

Simon chuckled. "At least we end on a hilarious note. Shittylicious is how I would describe your vocals. I advise you never to attempt any song again for as long as you live."

Kandy grinned. "Thank god that's over."

The ten contestants that passed through to perform again sang a second song and left the judges with the hard decision of picking the top five. Although they have an even more difficult decision of choosing who was the five worst out of so many viable candidates.

First the results of the winners, Heidi smiled at the chosen ten. "Congratulations, you are the top ten singers. Five of you will be proclaimed the winners and be given a fabulous prize. Johnny could you tell them what it is?"

"Why certainly, Heidi, the five lucky winners will return back to the base with a top of the line music player! Not available in stores until next year, the P-Pod holds all of your multimedia necessities. With enough space for 146435437634 songs and 586937529 video clips you will never be bored again! Courtesy of Pony Entertainment. Entertainment has never been more entertaining when you ride with Pony. A 100,000 coin value."

"Enough music to listen to until you're dead." Simon added.

"It was a tough decision but without any further suspense the five winners are… Doopliss, Parakarry, Bombette, Sonic, and Mallow. Congratulations." Heidi revealed.

The five winners and five runner-ups were escorted out and Kandy led the twenty-seven not so talented contestants into the room.

Heidi gave them a look of disappointment. "You represent the worst singers. Five of you will be proclaimed the losers and immediately sent home. It was a difficult choice because all of you were equally horrible."

"For lip syncing and not trying to sing I'm sorry, Ashlee Simpson, you have been eliminated." Simon told her.

She looked around slowly. "It was my band's fault! My daddy told me to! Um, I just wanted to be more famous than my sister! Waaaaaah." She ran out of the room bawling.

Simon shook his head slowly. "You'll never be able to beat those legs and double D's."

"I'm sorry, Baby Bowser, you have been eliminated." Heidi continued.

He looked to his dad solemnly. "Sorry, pops."

Bowser looked away from him. "Hold your head high, son, I'll take care of them."

"You can finally have some fun now because you have been eliminated, Big Bertha." Simon said with a smirk. Drool dripped from her mouth as she silently walked out of the room.

Frank was next to deliver the bad news. "I'm sorry, Don Pianta, you have been eliminated."

"I'll kill you, I'll kill you all!" He exclaimed as he pulled a knife from his pocket.

Simon brought up a gun and pointed it at him. "You should've brought one of these."

Don looked at his knife in disgust. "Alright, I'll go."

"Then it came down to Kammy's revolting performance of Don't Cha and Toad's laughably bad rendition of Toadalicious." Frank voiced.

"Quite likely the most idiotic songs ever written." Simon added.

Heidi chuckled. "While Kammy's was more visually appalling, Toad's was vocally worse and this was a singing competition so… I'm sorry, Toad, you have been eliminated."

"You are the weakest singer. Goodbye." Frank called to him as he left.

Kandy smiled at the contestants. "Give it up for our judges. This was their last challenge to judge."

The responses varied; if it was up to me they would be dead by now, Heidi and Frank are alright but Simon can suck my balls, I sucked Simon's balls, if Simon wasn't a queer fucker I would beat him up but that's a lawsuit waiting to happen, etc.

"Okay, well, that's nice. Let's hear it for Heidi Doom!" Kandy continued.

The room roared and through the applause a few offers filled the air such as; meet me behind Toad-Mart in ten minutes, want to make some extra money, like lollipops then get on your knees and close your eyes, she's not even that pretty I mean look at me, and so forth.

"How about Frank!"

The clapping was less than Heidi's but average and various things were said; is he wearing a toupee, I bet him and Simon are secret lovers, if that's true they can both suck my balls, I sucked both their balls... at the same time, etc.

Kandy looked at the contestants, full of repugnance toward them. "And lastly, and I mean that in more than one way, Simon!"

The room was silent. After a few minutes an unknown voice shouted. "Ball sucker!"

"Who said that?" He asked as he scanned the room.

Frank placed his hand on Simon's shoulder. "Oh you scrotum licker."

Everyone burst into laughter as Simon slumped down in his chair. So it would seem that the contestants got the last laugh. Then again, what was next on the list of crazy things they had to do?