Hey readers! I know, it's been a VERY long time since I've last updated this one. Sorry for the long wait, I've been on a slight writer's block with this, but I'm back and hopefully here to stay! I know this is uploaded earlier than my schedule of every Friday or Saturday, but since I finally finished this one I wanted to get it out here since I'm on! I hope you guys enjoy reading this one =) Thanks for all of the support and patience!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the song lyrics, BTR characters!

"I can't imagine being without you."

It had been a long time since Kendall had thought about it; thought about his father.

The oldest child of Jennifer always looked at life through a positive lens. He was always the person people went to when they were having problems or feeling down about something, but today had been different for Kendall.

The moment he woke up he knew that the day was going to be a hard one. His body was aching from the dance practice the night before, and his throat was feeling a bit swollen. That was definitely not going to bode well with Gustavo. He groaned to himself as he sat up and rubbed his head. He looked over at the empty bed and raised a brow, confused as to where his roommate had gone. He lazily began to go about his morning, brushing his teeth and hair and throwing on red t-shirt underneath his plaid, red and black button up. He pulled on his black jeans and snuck his feet into his sneakers and made his way out to the kitchen.

"Yo," Carlos called out from his seat at the breakfast table. Kendall nodded, not bothering to say anything as he walked over to the fridge and pulled out milk, searching for the nearest bowl.

"Where're the other guys?" Kendall asked curiously as Carlos thought for a second.

"I think James said something about a new girl, and Logan is at the pool," the Latino explained as the blond nodded his head. He took a seat across from his friend as he sighed. His friend raised a brow as he frowned a little.

"What's up? You seem depressed," Carlos pointed out. Kendall looked up from his bowl as he smiled and shook his head.

"Nah, I'm just tired. Gustavo worked us pretty hard yesterday." Carlos nodded in agreement as he shook his head.

"I still can't believe he almost broke my helmet!" he exclaimed as he hugged his black head guarder tightly. Kendall laughed, happy he was still capable of feeling that good in the mood he was in.

"Alright," Carlos started as he quickly stood to his feet, putting his empty plate in the sink. "I'm heading to the arcade. They got this new game that I want to try before the line for it gets long!" he said with a smile. Kendall smiled back as he nodded.

"Let me know how it is."

"You want to come?" Carlos inquired as the leader of their band shook his head.

"I'm good, thanks though."

Carlos hesitated as he nodded his head. "…You sure everything's ok?"

Kendall was glad that he had such good friends. If he didn't have that-and his family-he wasn't sure what he'd do without them.

"I'm sure, no worries, buddy." Too bad Kendall wasn't the "talk about your feelings" sort of person. He got that trait from his father, which he hated.

The singer watched as Carlos placed his helmet rightfully on his head, marching out of 2J with a wide smile on his face. Kendall chuckled, his smile slowly dissipating. He sighed again as he stared down at his bowl of cereal, his appetite officially gone.

He stood to his feet, throwing his breakfast out and making his way toward the orange couch he loved so much. He plopped down and stared at the black screen of the TV for a few minutes before he sighed once more and shook his head. He stared up at the ceiling with a blank expression, this rage slowly simmering inside of his soul. He sat up and covered his face with his hands, taking a deep breath.

For most of his life, Kendall had been the man of the family. He wanted to protect his family and the people closest to him; he had to. He did whatever he could in order to help his mother and make life a bit easier for her, and he always looked out for his baby sister, though by the time she was six, it seemed that Katie was doing most of the looking out for her older brother.

The role as "the man of the family" was given to Kendall at a very young age. He couldn't remember much at five, but he did remember a lot of nights where he could hear voices yelling, and days where his mother would fake smiles. He also remembered the nights where his mother would hide her tears and coo him to sleep. The thing that was most vivid to Kendall was the last night he ever saw his father.

The dirty blond and his father never really were that close. People could say that Kendall was always a Mama's boy at heart. That didn't mean that he didn't love his father, or did, it was hard for the seventeen year old to decide. He had always looked up to his father when he was younger. He thought that he was such a great man, didn't every son think that about their father?

It had been a stormy night. Kendall was just five, Katie being only a year old and too young to even register the situation. The blond had been staring up at the ceiling, listening as hard as he could through the rain splattering on the rooftop and the wind crashing against the side of the house and trees. He sat up as he heard soft mumbling from the floor below. Being the curious and mischievous child that he was-and still is-the little league hockey player tiptoed his way to his room door, quietly twisting the knob and pulling the door open. He eased his way to the top of the stairs and listened silently as his mother and father murmured to each other. Had he been a bit older, maybe Kendall could have honed his eavesdropping skills a bit more, but he was doing a pretty good job listening to his parents' conversation at his age.

He leaned against the railing, holding his breath in order to hear better. He couldn't make out much, but what he could make out was one thing.

We know that neither of us can do this anymore, Jennifer.

…I know.

…I'm leaving tonight.

What am I supposed to tell the kids?

Tell them the truth.

Kendall quickly sprinted to his room, quietly shutting it behind him. He pressed his ear to the door, listening to the sound of feet coming up the staircase. His heart raced as his palms grew clammy. He bit his lip as he listened to his parents' room door creak open. Shuffling came from that direction before footsteps came out of the room and down the stairs. He creaked his door open, peeking out.

All he needed was the sound of the front door opening and closing, that's all it took.

From that day on, Kendall couldn't forgive his father. He didn't know why he had left or what had gone wrong in their relationship, but he could never forgive his father for making his mother cry so many nights alone. How could he? She had done nothing but love him, and in return he had left her.

Twelve years. Kendall's green eyes softened as he stood up and made his way to his room. He stared around his room, trying to find something to distract his busy mind, but he couldn't seem to think of anything. He walked over to his bed and fell back, letting the soft comforter break his fall.

He didn't want to brood, especially about someone like that, but he couldn't stop himself. Once someone betrayed someone close to him, he couldn't quite find the will to forgive that person, no matter what. It was a trait about himself that he didn't like much, but he didn't care at the moment.

"Honey?" Kendall sat up, smiling at the sound of his mother's voice. He stood up as he walked out to the kitchen of his apartment. He smiled as he watched Katie walk past him, giving him a wave before she sat down and continued playing her video game.

"I've been trying to get her to put that thing down, but she's just so stubborn." Mrs. Knight sighed as Kendall chuckled, helping his mother with the bags of food.

"Did you try bribing her?" Kendall asked playfully as the mother of two rolled her eyes.

"You know how she gets with her games."

Kendall laughed as he glanced over at his baby sister, the young girl entranced by her new DS game. "How was her audition?"

"It went pretty well. They want her back tomorrow for call backs, Jennifer explained as her son nodded. She glanced around the silent apartment and raised a brow.

"Where are the boys?" she asked as Kendall thought for a moment.

"James is out with some new girl apparently, Logan's at the pool, and Carlos headed to the arcade."

"You didn't want to go?" Mrs. Knight asked with a surprised look on her face. Kendall shrugged as he placed the last of the groceries in their rightful places. She watched her son with a somber expression. Having raised her children, Jennifer knew exactly what her kids were thinking most of the time. They were a close knit family, how could she not?

"Kendall-"

"It's fine, mom," Kendall interrupted, already knowing what the woman was going to say. She frowned as she shook her head.

"We should talk about it."

"We don't need to," he stated as he walked over to the sink to grab a clean cup.

"…You can't be mad at him forever."

"Why not?" Kendall had finally snapped. "Why can't I? After what he did?"

Kendall didn't have enough self-control to contain his anger. He wanted to release the beast inside of himself, maybe then he could feel a bit better. Maybe then he could let go of his lingering problems he had with the person he used to call dad.

Mrs. Knight's eyes softened as she glanced over at Katie, who had now put down her game, watching her brother with a shocked look in her eyes. The mother of the singer rarely got into serious argument with her children, but when she did they were very serious and usually got to very high levels. She didn't want to start a fight, but she knew that was what her son needed.

"How can you not be mad? You're the one that should be mad, of all people," Kendall pointed out, not bothering to keep his voice down. Mrs. Knight sighed as he gave her son a gentle look.

"Sometimes people change, there's nothing you can do about that. And when that happens you have to either take it or you let it break you," his mother explained. "I'll admit, after your father left, I was angry with him. I was angry at the situation, and I didn't think I could ever forgive him," she stated calmly.

"Why did you?" Kendall snapped as he shook his head. "He doesn't deserve it after what he did to you, mom!" he yelled as his mother frowned.

"Kendall-"

"You spent how many nights crying because of him? Katie grew up without a dad because he left us, and you expect me to just be able to forget about it? Like it's not a big deal?"

"That's now what I'm saying," Mrs. Knight argued. "You should just think about it."

"Yeah, just like he thought about staying with us, and just like he thought about giving us a call every now and then or a letter or even an email, oh wait, he didn't!" Kendall countered as he shook his head, out of breath. He sighed as he made his way back to his room without a second glance back. He slammed the door shut and immediately kicked the closest object, which happened to be Logan's desk chair. He ignored the crashing sound of the chair hitting the ground as he ran his fingers through his hair. He ignored the guilt he felt for lashing out at his mother, especially in front of Katie; that was a side he didn't like showing to anyone.

"I need to get out of here." Kendall quickly walked over to his closet, pulling out his hockey bag. He unzipped it, pulling his stick out, but his eyes widened as he found it cracked. He groaned as he remembered the time the boys had played hockey in the lobby, his stick breaking in the process.

"Damn it," he mumbled as he tossed the stick to the bag.

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, shutting it off and tossing it on to his bed. He then walked out of the room, ignoring the stares from his mother and sister. "I'm going out."

Mrs. Knight didn't bother replying as she watched her son storm out of the apartment. She stared at the shut door for a moment before she sighed, looking back at Katie, who wore a glum look on her face. The woman smiled as she walked over to her daughter, taking a seat next to her and wrapping her arms around the girl.

"He'll be ok."

The Palm Woods residents were all enjoying the beautiful day. Laughter filled the air and smiles were shared with everyone. Nobody had been expecting the tension nor did they expect the furious look Kendall sported as he made his way through the lobby. He didn't care though. All the singer wanted to do was get out and clear his head for a bit.

He ignored all the "hellos" and "what's ups" and continued through the hotel. The only voice he couldn't ignore was Logan's.

"Hey-" Immediately, the genius of Big Time Rush could tell something was wrong. "Kendall, what happened?"

"Nothing," the blond sighed. "Don't worry about it."

"What do you mean? You look pissed, did something happen?" Logan asked with a concerned look.

That was why Kendall hated being upset, because not only was he upset, but the others around him became upset too.

"Logan, thanks for asking, but I seriously need to clear my-"

"Kendall!" Timing couldn't have been any worse for the teen.

Jo smiled at her boyfriend as she walked up to him. Logan, knowing just how Kendall could get in his current mood, quickly took the wheel as he gave the actress a smile. "Jo! How was set?"

"It was good," she answered with a smile, noticing Kendall's irate expression. She frowned as she stepped around Logan.

"Kendall? Is everything ok?"

The angry teen really didn't want to deal with this. He didn't like when people asked questions about how he was feeling, and he didn't like when people started to worry about him, but could he blame Jo? After all, she was his girlfriend, how could she not be worried? If the roles had been reversed, Kendall would have been just as worried, if not, more.

"I'm fine, Jo. I just need to clear my head."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it. It's fine."

"No it's not, Kendall," Jo said, knowing well that the blond was pushing her away. He always did when he was upset about something. She could never quite reach him when he put that wall up.

"It's fine."

"Kendall, just talk to me. What has got you so upset?"

"I said it's fine," Kendall stated, feeling his control slip once again.

"Kendall-"

"Jo! Stop!" Kendall finally snapped aggressively. "Stop asking me about it, I don't want to talk!"

Jo stared at Kendall, astonished that he had raised his voice at her. He had never raised his voice at her like that before. She stared as he tore his eyes from hers and began to make his way toward the hotel exit. She watched him, half of herself wanting to slap him and the other half wanting to reach out and hug him.

"Kendall-"

"I'll be back later, Logan," he said as he the genius nodded, watching as the blond started to walk away. He stopped though, a surprised look falling upon his face.

Both, Logan and Jo, followed his gaze, their eyes falling upon an awestruck Jayne. She stared at Kendall as he stared back at her, just as surprised as her. He gathered his composure and ignored her, walking past her and out of the hotel. He refused to think about the fact that the girl had seen the ugliest side of himself and he ignored the almost frightened look on her face. He was going to ignore it all for now.

Jayne blinked as she turned, watching Kendall cross the street. She turned back to Jo and Logan, who gave her the same expression she was wearing. She walked up to Logan as he shook his head. She looked over at Jo, who merely stared at her feet, her feelings crushed. Jayne frowned at that.

"Here." Logan blinked as he felt Jayne hand him her bags. Before he could ask her anything, the brunette turned and ran out of the hotel without another word. The future doctor smiled as he shook his head. He glanced over at Jo and his eyes softened.

"I'm sure he didn't mean-"

"I know he didn't," Jo said with a smile as she gathered her composure. She nodded as she looked at Logan. "He just needs some time is all."

Kendall wasn't sure how long he had been gone for. He had been roaming around for a while before he found an abandoned building. He had found entry through the door-less doorframe and made his way to the rooftop. He sat there for awhile, staring out at the people and the buildings around him. It was nice, just to get his head on straight again. He couldn't get rid of it though, that anger inside of him.

"There you are." Kendall jumped as he looked over his shoulder and watched as his neighbor sighed. "You're lucky I have a good sense of direction." If he hadn't been in such a terrible mood, the blond would have definitely laughed.

He turned back around, not saying a word, and listened as Jayne approached his side and sat beside him. He glanced over at her as she stared out at the city.

"I don't want to talk about it," he stated simply as Jayne nodded.

"I'm not here to ask, but I'm here to listen if you choose to talk," she said simply. Kendall blinked, his eyes wide. He chuckled and smiled a bit as he turned his attention back to the town. They sat in silence for awhile, neither finding the urgency to say anything. They just sat and enjoyed the other's company; that's all Kendall needed.

"…Sorry you had to see me like that." Finally, the silence had been broken.

Jayne looked over at her friend as she shook her head. "Don't be sorry. I'd rather see all of you than have you hide parts of yourself," she stated.

"But I will say this," she started. "Friends don't shun each other out. They stick together no matter what."

Kendall's eyes widened as he turned to his friend, Jayne staring out at the buildings.

"At least, that's what someone told me once." The singer laughed as he shook his head. Jayne glanced over at him and smiled as he sighed.

"…My dad left my mom when I was five."

Jayne's eyes widened. She hadn't been expecting something like that. She wasn't sure how emotionally prepared she was for that.

"I-I'm…I'm sorry."

"It's ok…I guess I just don't know how to cope with it. Even though it's been twelve years. I still get so mad when I think about him and what he did," he explained. Jayne nodded as she listened intently. "I always wonder how he could do that to someone like my mom."

"…She is amazing," Jayne complimented as Kendall smiled and nodded.

"And how could he do that to Katie? She basically had to grow up without a dad."

"…But you know what?" Jayne asked, Kendall looking over at the girl with a raised brow. "She was lucky enough to grow up with you."

How many times was Jayne going to throw Kendall off the track like that? He couldn't keep count of the times she truly just amazed him. There was no other word to describe it. She was truly something amazing to him.

"…I'm not really good at giving advice to people…but I do know that you can change your life if you change your heart," the dancer said softly. Kendall stared at her as she continued on.

"Everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right." Jayne smiled. "You believe lies so that eventually you trust no one but yourself, and sometimes..." She looked over at Kendall as he locked eyes with her own. "Good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

The singer was lost for words.

Jayne sighed as she glanced at the time on her phone. She stood to her feet as she stretched. "Come on. I'm sure everyone-" Her eyes widened as she felt a hand hold tightly to her own. She watched as Kendall stood up, smiling at her. She blinked as arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her close. She embraced the warmth as she smiled, wrapping her own arms around her close friend. She closed her eyes, enjoying the hug to it's fullest.

"…What would I do without you?" Kendall murmured as he held her tightly, almost afraid that if he were to let go, she would disappear from right in front of him. Jayne chuckled as she shook her head.

"You'd be just fine."

"I'm honestly not sure about that."

The two walked in silence, smiles on their faces. It took them a bit of time to walk back to the Palm Woods, and by the time they had returned dinner had been placed on the table in 2J.

"You sure you don't want to come over for dinner?" Kendall asked once more as Jayne shook her head.

"I've got to meet Claire and my coach. We're going to dinner somewhere downtown," she said as the blond nodded. He watched as Jayne smiled at him, heading toward her apartment door. He walked to his own door and the two stood, staring at each other for a moment.

"…Thanks, Jayne."

The girl smiled as she nodded. "Of course."

Kendall watched as she walked into her home, the door clicking softly behind her. He smiled and shook his head as he walked into his own home.

"Hey." Everyone stopped as they looked at Kendall, who smiled sheepishly at the fellow residents of 2J. Logan smiled as he nodded, James and Carlos smiling at him as well. He smiled at his friends, looking over at his mother, who was standing in the kitchen. Her eyes softened as she smiled, opening her arms up.

"I'm sorry, mom," Kendall said quietly as he hugged her tightly. She smiled as she shook her head and sighed, embracing her son with the most love she could muster.

"I love you, honey."

"Love you too."

He pulled away, looking over at his baby sister. His eyes softened as Katie smiled at him and patted the seat beside her. "You gonna eat or what?"

He chuckled as he took the seat beside Katie. She sighed, relieved to see her brother back to his normal self.

"Sorry about earlier, guys," Kendall said as the four around him shook their heads.

"Don't worry about it."

He couldn't say that everything was perfect. He could never forget, but he had forgiven his father, and that was what mattered the most. Maybe one day, he'd be man enough to face his father, and when that day would come, he'd have his friends and family standing beside him.

"Wait." Kendall stood to his feet as he walked into his room. He quickly turned his phone on, mentally slapping himself. He opened his contact list up as he went through the list until the name he wanted appeared. He pressed the send button, placing the phone by his ear. He waited, listening to the dial tone for a second.

"Hello?"

"Jo!" Kendall called out, relieved she had answered him. He sat on his bed as he sighed. "I'm really sorry about earlier."

Jo smiled as she sat at her desk. "It's ok. Although, next time a simple 'I don't want to talk right now' will work."

"I know, I acted like a complete jerk. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry, Kendall…Is everything ok now?" Jo asked hesitantly as Kendall smiled and nodded.

"Yeah. I feel a lot better after talking to Jayne." He waited for his girlfriend's reply, but heard nothing. He raised a brow, the silence slightly making him nervous.

"Jo?"

"That's good! I'm glad you feel better," Jo said as she forced a smile. She cleared her throat as she gathered her composure. Kendall smiled as he nodded.

"Thanks, and sorry. I seriously won't let that happen again," he said evenly as Jo nodded.

"I know you won't," she said sweetly. "Alright, I've got to get ready for an interview I have to go to, but I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah. I'll text you later," Kendall said as he smiled. "Bye."

Jo listened as the line ended. She set her phone down as she stared at it for a moment. She looked up at the mirror in front of her as she closed her eyes.

"Kendall…"