The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Giles sighed as the girls continued to gossip and henpeck everything and anything they could find about the Addams Family. While he had to admit that a lot of it was riveting and downright mysterious, none of it directly fell into context with their usual motes operandi. Aside from that, Xander seemed to trust her, so, he felt that there was nothing more that needed to be said about the situation…at least until tomorrow.

A sudden knocking on his door jarred his attention away from the girls.

"Just a minute," he called out as he hurried over to escape Buffy and Willow.

As soon as he opened the door, however, he slammed it back shut.

"Oh, bloody Hell, is there no end to this," he muttered.

"Who is it, Giles," Buffy demanded.

"Harmony," he responded with a sigh.

"Lemme go get my stake," Buffy remarked, quickly coming to her feet.

"…She's a vampire," Giles questioned.

"Yes, I am, you jerk, and you nearly squished my nose," he heard Harmony's shrill voice shout out, "Look, I really need to talk to you guys."

"…Alright, but, you make any sudden moves," Giles warned as Buffy returned, stake in hand, "Buffy, let's hear her out first, then you can stake her."

"…ok," Buffy replied, disappointed.

Giles opened the door, revealing the pink-attired Harmony Kendall, who looked as though she'd run like the wind to get here.

"Thank you," she said to Giles, "Listen, guys, you don't like, and I don't like you, we're nemesises…or nemesi…or whatever."

"Get to the point, Harmony," Willow interrupted her tirade tiredly.

"Someone very dangerous just rolled into town," Harmony continued, "She's with dorkhead…Xander, I think his name was."

"Wednesday," Buffy and Willow said immediately, "What do you know?"

"The Addamses have a big reputation in the underworld," Harmony picked up, "They buy and collect magical items, they even harbor vampires during the night…I've never been there myself, but, from what I've heard, their very hospitable…they even serve human blood."

Buffy and Willow shared a look at that.

"Wednesday, though, she's probably the worst of the lot," Harmony said, "Before I moved to Sunnydale and became Harmony Kendall, I lived out of Connecticut as Amanda Buckman. I used to go to this camp, Camp Chippewa…my last year there, Wednesday and her little brother came…they torched the camp and tried to burn me at the stake!"

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"Oy," another voice joined in as Spike came trotting up the way, "Harmony, what the bloody Hell are you doing here?! They'll stake you…why isn't she staked yet?"

Harmony smacked him.

"I'm here to warn them about Wednesday, you jerk," Harmony 'snarled.'

"Oh, you saw them, too," Spike said in surprise, "I haven't seen an Addams since the freakin seventies, and I never wanna see another one again."

"What do you know about them," Buffy demanded immediately.

"Blood, smokes, and money, love," Spike responded with a grin.

"…I won't stake Harmony," Buffy offered.

"Come on, now, you know she annoys me as much as she annoys you, all she's good for is a good roll in the sack!"

"Hey," Harmony complained, "Right here, you know!"

"Alright, fine," Buffy responded, walking back inside, "Here's a hundred dollars, will that buy something?"

"Something, love, but not everything," Spike responded with a smile, "Alright, you know who the monkey boy's with, right," at their nod, he continued, "Wednesday Addams has a reputation amongst us vamps. She's got dark powers, girls, worse than anything I've ever seen. And, if she's anything like her mother, she's a masochist."

Neither Buffy nor Willow reacted to that, though Tara had a very…interested look upon her face.

"She likes to be cut and burning and whipped during sex, you buggering ninnies," Spike yelled.

"…That's just wrong," Willow muttered.

"Well, don't be too hasty, Willow," Tara said, "Y-you need to keep an…open mind."

Everyone's eyes were on Tara. Spike was smiling an odd smile, as though he were enjoying every second of this.

"…I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Tara squeaked out, running for dear life.

"…it's always the quiet ones," Spike said with a sigh, "Anyway, till you get me more, I'm off, sun's starting to rise."

"Kill her, Buffy," Harmony begged the Slayer, "She's dangerous!"

"Harm," Spike yelled, "C'mon, will ya! I wanna bugger!"

"…On that note," Giles slammed the door shut.

ÀÀÀ

Xander cracked an eye as a glaring light invaded it. He blinked a few times, then, slowly shifted his gaze to his left, where a sleeping Wednesday lay. He stared at her for a moment, examining her, then, calmly grasped the blankets and sheets and lifted them up. He stared into them for a moment before calmly lowering them back down, then, he laid his head down on his pillow and sighed.

"Crap."