The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

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"Yes, Morticia, they treated me very badly in prison," Gomez said with a smile as he talked into his cell phone, "No, they didn't do that, but the food was terrible…well, a few of our cellmates were discussing how best to kill someone, and when I heard what they were saying, I just had to stand up and say 'That's not how you do it, this is how you do it.' Yes, I gave a good lecture on effective means of killing someone…oh, Tish…that's French…"

Giles pointedly ignored this portion of the conversation as he sat down in his lounge, reading his book 1984. Tara sat beside him, a cup of tea in hand, enjoying reading a tome on ancient cults in Mesopotamia. He heard something break, though, causing him to sit up and turn around swiftly.

"Watch what you're doing, Buffy," he shouted out.

"Sorry, Giles," the blonde Slayer said as she began to scrap up the plate.

"How much longer, Tara," Willow demanded as she continued dusting the shelves.

"Be happy I'm not making you dust Wednesday's house," Tara said, sipping her tea, "You wouldn't leave there for a year."

Willow and Buffy both visibly cringed at that.

"I swear, it's like they don't even realize that we're doing it for their own good," Tara said in exasperation.

"You think this is bad," Giles said, "One time, Buffy broke every piece of furniture in my house just to slay a 'demon' that turned out to be a rat."

"Hey!"

"One time, Willow and I were doing a spell, she turned my nose inside out," Tara said.

"I didn't mean to!"

"We were all trapped in this house with a fear demon once," Giles said, "There was a symbol painted on the floor, and I got the book for it, starting reading about how breaking the symbol would summon the demon…I get to 'destroying the symbol' and Buffy breaks the floorboards all around it, summoning the demon."

"He was five inches tall!"

"And, bless your lucky bloody stars that he was," Giles responded, "If he'd been sixty feet tall, then what would you have done, huh?"

"…Gone shopping?"

"Ooh, share some of Willow's bad stories," Tara said with a smile.

"Oh, I think I know just the one," Giles said, "See, she'd done this spell to make her will be done-"

"Oh, no," Willow looked positively horrified.

"Oh, yes," Giles said with a grin, "Anyway, I come to her, try talking to her about Oz, it was just after he'd left, see," Tara nodded, "And she says, 'you can't see anything,' next thing you know, poof!" he waved his hand in front of his eyes, "I'm blind."

"Willow," Tara shouted.

"I didn't mean to!"

"That's not even the worst of it," Giles said, "She and Buffy had a bit of a tiff earlier that day, and she had to go and find Spike, so Willow gets all huffy and says, 'Why doesn't she just go marry him?'"

Tara spat up her tea as she began to laugh, and before long, Giles had joined in. Buffy was torn between glaring at them and Willow, while Willow was just standing there, beat red.

"…Tish, these are absolutely some of the strangest people I have ever met," Gomez said before smiling, "I love them!"

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(A/N: if you've never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, first off, I pity you, you virgin! Secondly, you can skip this part if you want, or choose to read it.)

Xander looked around him in a mixture of shock and awe. The theater was jam packed with people, all of them in costume and with papers tucked underneath their arm.

"Wednesday," he beseeched his girlfriend, who was dressed in a dirty maid's outfit, "What's this movie about?"

"It's a musical porn," Wednesday said off-hand, smiling at those around her.

"…Ok," Xander said, deeply disturbed.

"It's not really," Wednesday said, "It's indescribable, but, it's a great movie…you'll see."

They went into the hallway, but were stopped by an usher dressed in a dirty suit.

"Virgins?"

"What," Xander said in shock, "No, I most certainly am not."

"He is," Wednesday said, rolling her eyes before smacking him, "Shut up."

Xander wisely complied and allowed the usher to put a pink 'V' on his cheek. A few moments later, he and Wednesday were situated in the middle of the isle. He took a moment to look around, finding that nearly every seat in the theater was occupied.

"Damn," he said, "This movie is popular. But, I thought there were more people outside."

"There are," he turned to his right, seeing a guy dressed in…ladies' underwear (?), "Every room is playing the movie. Ha," he laughed as he saw the V, "You are about to receive an education, you fucking virgin!"

He stared at the guy for a moment, before turning to Wednesday, who was smiling widely now.

"…I feel like I did back in that vampire club," Xander said, causing Wednesday to laugh slightly.

The lights went out, and the movie began. He watched as the lips began to sing on the screen, laughing at the sheer absurdity of the song.

"At the late night,"

"Early morning," the crowd chanted.

"Double-feature,"

"Rocky Horror!"

"Picture Show."

He watched on as the wedding came to an end.

"Janet," one of the characters introduced themselves.

"SLUT!" "FUCKED-UP BITCH!"

Holy crap, he thought to himself.

"Brad," the other said.

"ASSHOLE!" "FUCKED-UP FAG!"

He looked over to Wednesday, who was looking at the screen, vividly attentive.

What has she gotten me into, he wondered to himself.

ÀÀÀ

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Wednesday smiled as she watched Xander dancing with a few other guys. She would join in, but she was a little bushed. She had thrown herself into the movie, but even now that it was over, Xander was still very into it. During the part where Frank-N-Furter came out and did his dance, he had exploded with laughter, and he had especially loved the bit where Rocky came out, mainly because the crowd picked up a rambunctious chant of 'STEROIDS!'

"GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX!"

"Alright, that's enough thrusting for you tonight, Alex," she grabbed him by his hand, leading him away from the rest.

"Hopefully not," he whispered to her, causing her to blush slightly, before laughing and saying, "Oh, God, that was fan-fucking-tastic! I can't believe I've missed that movie for most of my life!!"

She couldn't believe how much she'd been smiling that night, her mouth was actually sore from all the fun. But, at that moment, she allowed one especially beaming smile loose. She was so happy that he'd enjoyed the movie!

"So much fun," Xander said, starting to wind down now.

"I assume you mean that you had fun," Wednesday said with a grin.

"Yeah," Xander said, wrapping his arm around her, "Awesome…hey, Wednesday…you can publish the book."

"…You sure," she asked, "I'll understand if you don't want me to."

"No, it's ok," Xander said, "I think it's a great book, and…well, you're right about my friends. I've been a lapdog for too long, and it's time I stop going after their respect. If they don't respect me, then it's their problem, because I earned it a long time ago."

Wednesday smile once more up at him, thankful that he finally got it.