The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

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"Thank you, Mother," Wednesday said, "…Yes, Alex and I are getting along quite well…yes, several times…no, Mother, he didn't use pokers on me…we've talked about handcuffs, yes…usually four…yes, Mother…alright, Mother…I love you, too…and thank you again."

Wednesday hung up her phone, leaned back in her chair, and sighed.

"That sounded rough," Xander said from his seat across from her, munching on some toast.

Sophia snapped a few times.

"What she said," Xander picked up, "Only four?"

"I don't want to make her jealous," Wednesday responded, "She's very insulted about the fact that you don't use hot pokers on me."

"Well, I go underneath actually harming you," Xander said, "Perceived harm is better than actual harm."

"Don't do that," Wednesday responded.

Sophia snapped a few times.

"She's sending it overnight," Wednesday responded.

"What is it, again," Xander asked.

"It's an ancient tome from Babylon," Wednesday said, "White magic and healing spells older than mankind. I think Tara would appreciate it."

"Sounds like something she would, but, doesn't that seem a bit…I dunno, predictable?"

"It includes guides to using white magic in sex."

Xander stared at her for a moment, then swallowed.

"Honey-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Why-"

"I don't want to cast that much magic," Wednesday responded, "Besides, this is a gift for Tara and Willow, more for Tara, but sense they're together, it's for both of them. It combines their two favorite things."

"…That is so beyond hot," Xander said, leaning back in his chair.

"Yes, it is," Wednesday muttered, before standing up and grabbing his collar, "Come."

"Double entendre, anyone," Xander muttered as he followed her.

ÀÀÀ

"Alright, I got the hotel reserved," Willow said, coming into Giles's den.

"Don't you think this is a bit much," Tara asked, "I mean, you're sending them on a trip down into the caves and a horse ride at night through Death Valley, then, they spend three days in a dark hotel designed specifically for sex, and then, they got skydiving! Skydiving, for God's sakes! I get that you feel bad, but, do you really need to do that?"

"It's the best way to make it up to them," Buffy said, "We got creepiness times three for Wednesday, sex for both, and skydiving for Xander. It's perfect!"

"And, I got backstage tickets to Led Zeppelin," (A/N: I really wish I had those, or that I was going to the live concert!) Willow said with a smile.

"Dear God, how much money are you spending on them," Tara asked, shocked.

"Actually, I asked Gomez to help them out," Giles said, "He wasn't particularly keen to, but, after he heard that it was for them, he was most happy to help."

"Wow," Tara said, before another thought occurred to her, "How much do you have left?"

"Well, when the doubloons arrived, there was enough to cover what we bought, and…the next six years of college," Willow said, "…for all of us."

"…Holy crap."

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"Gomez," Morticia greeted her husband as she descended the stairs, "Why aren't you in bed? It's cold without you…I like it when it's cold with you."

"I'm sorry, Tish, but I need to finish this," Gomez said.

"What is it," Morticia asked as she came up behind him, placing her hand against his shoulder.

"It's the forms to buy a shop in Sunnydale," Gomez said, taking a puff from his cigar, "Ripper mentioned to me that he was interested in purchasing a store, but that he didn't have the money for it."

"Hmm, that's a very generous thing you're doing, Mon Cher," Morticia purred into his ear.

"Oh, Cara Mia," Gomez dropped his pen, enveloped his wife in his arms, and began to kiss her ferociously on her neck.

ÀÀÀ

A/N: I truly do wish I could go to the live concert, but, ce la vie. Anyway, there're two chapters left that I can think of. I've decided that this is the first of a trilogy of semi-related fics involving Xander and a girl. I know that I'm going to give the whole PPG plot another shot, but, there will be another one before that one…I already know who it involves, but, to quote Sweeny Todd, 'That's the play, and he wouldn't want us to give it away!'