The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday walked steadily onward, with Xander right beside her, following the stone path up to her family's mansion. It felt so good to be home.

"There aren't any traditions that call for a boyfriend to be…disemboweled, are there," Xander was somewhat scared; after all, he had never met her mother while the two had been in a relationship.

"No, Alex," Wednesday replied for the tenth time, "Now, quit being so frightened. You've met my mother before."

"That was different," Xander replied, "She didn't like me to begin with, remember? Imagine now that she knows I'm violating her little girl each night," Wednesday stopped and stared at him, "Ok, so maybe I am freaking out for no good reason, but, come on! If I didn't hate my parents and you met them, you know damn well that you'd be nervous," again, she just stared, "…I'm being irrational, aren't I?"

She nodded, then smacked him in the chest.

"Grow a pair," she said before turning around and going for the house.

She approached her home with no pause, forcing Xander to move quickly to keep up with her. As soon as she reached the door, however, it opened.

"Hello, Lurch," Wednesday greeted the butler, who merely nodded with a smile, which grew when he saw Xander.

"Hey, Big Guy," Xander greeted the butler familiarly, extending his right fist, which Lurch enthusiastically pounded in return, "Damn, I forgot how much that hurts."

"Where are Mother and Father," Wednesday asked.

Lurch motioned for them to follow him, which they did. He led them through the house to the library, where Morticia and Pugsley were sitting together, Morticia reading a book on Dr. Kevorkian and Pugsley reading a book on the anatomy of venomous snakes. When the two entered, they looked up from their books, and immediately rose.

"Wednesday," Morticia greeted her daughter.

"Hello, Mother," Wednesday greeted her with a deadpan face, before hugging her enthusiastically, "You remember Alex?"

"Yes, indeed," Morticia said, turning her watchful eye on Xander.

"Hello, Mrs. Addams," Xander greeted her respectfully.

"How are your organs, Alexander," Morticia asked.

"…Contained," Xander responded, his discomfort easily visible.

"Pity," Morticia replied before turning to Wednesday, "I did not know you were coming. How long are you staying?"

"For two days," Wednesday replied, "The Led Zeppelin concert isn't for a while yet."

"I see," Morticia said, before turning to Xander and saying, "Alexander, Gomez and Fester are in the vault, would you join them?"

"But, Mother," Pugsley interrupted.

"The four of you may play with dynamite later," Morticia said, with no room for argument, "For now, occupy yourself elsewhere."

"Alright," Pugsley caved, turning around as he did so, "See ya, Sociopath."

"Later, Reject," Xander said, his discomfort even more visible, "Greed?"

"Greed," Morticia acknowledged.

Xander nodded, acting like a condemned man being sent to the gallows as he pulled back the book labeled Greed and followed the shelves to the other side of the wall.

"Mother," Wednesday turned on Morticia, "What was that about?"

"Just playing with him a little bit," Morticia said with a small smile, "Now, sit. We must discuss some things."

Wednesday nodded, understanding her mother's need to mentally torture her poor boy for a while. After all, she hadn't seen him since that summer.

"So," Morticia began, "Things are going quite well for you and Alexander, are they?"

"Yes, they are," Wednesday responded, wondering where this was going.

"You and he have made passionate love several times, have you not," Wednesday nodded, totally unsurprised by the frankness of the question.

"…Is there any possibility that…he may be the one," Morticia asked, finally looking discomforted.

"…If you are asking whether or not I have a real future with him, I cannot answer that now, Mother," Wednesday replied, "I have only been with him for a few months now, it is much too early to determine whether there is a future there."

"This young man has done something that I truly worried no man would ever do," Morticia said, "He has fallen for you, and you for he. The only time that ever happened was with Joel Glicker, and we know how that ended."

Wednesday took a moment to smile in triumph.

"The truth is," Morticia began, "…I really like him."

"Mother," Wednesday questioned.

"I hate what he does, but, somehow he's wormed his way into my heart," Morticia said with a small smile, "I think he's probably the best thing for you, and I know he cares about you very much."

Wednesday stayed quiet for a moment, considering her words, before nodding.

"Why did you send him down to Father," Wednesday asked.

"At this moment, Gomez and Fester are introducing dear Alexander to one of our family's strongest traditions."

ÀÀÀ

"Mamushka!"

Xander collapsed in a huff as Fester and Gomez let him down, staring at him as he struggled to catch his breath.

"That," Xander finally wheezed out, "Was…crazy…as…Hell!"

"…That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard," the bald man known as 'Uncle' Fester said before turning to his brother, "What do you think?"

"Oh, he's definitely getting it," Gomez replied, putting his cigar into his mouth, "Come along, Alexander, we'll get us some more brandy."

Xander struggled to his feet, following Gomez obediently as Fester wrapped an arm around him.

"Pugsley and I have been working on demolishing a building out in Manhattan," Fester said, smiling a gleeful smile as he said so, "At first, the city was going to hire some company to do it for them, but then someone informed them of the fine work we do on warehouses. It's a large apartment complex, took a few days to get the charges set up, but, we got it done. How'd you like to come and help us set it off?"

"Gee, Fester, I'd really love to," Xander said, "But, I'm not sure if Wednesday will let me. I mean, we've got to go in two days for London."

"Oh," Fester seemed down now, but perked up immediately, "We'll send you a recording of it!"

"Awesome," Xander said with a grin.

"Alexander, come, sit," Gomez indicated the seat next to him.

Xander sat down beside Gomez while Fester took a seat on his other side. All of a sudden, he got the feeling of being surrounded. Gomez put his cigar down for a second and started up the projector. A black and white movie began, with a pale little girl dressed in black descending the stairs, her hands wrapped around a leash that was connected to Pugsley's neck.

"That was when she was five years old," Gomez said with a nostalgic smile, "She was so domineering at that age…made her mother quite proud."

"I can tell," Xander said as a new reel played with Morticia sitting with Wednesday at the kitchen table, both holding a butcher knife with an anatomy book laid out.

"They're so dumb at that age," Fester said, "Why, I remember once carving the spleen out of a hamster! The way she's going at it, I'm not surprised she has no ability."

Xander wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Alexander, I feel I must ask," Gomez stopped the movie for a second, "…What are your intentions with my daughter?"

"Sex," Xander said, completely honest, "Lots and lots of sex."

Gomez and Fester shared a long look before both started laughing uncontrollably.

"…You'd best make sure that's not all," Fester said, coming out of it, "Wednesday would castrate you with a rusty spoon."

"Indeed, she would," Gomez said, "…Seriously, Alexander…do you love her?"

"…I don't know yet," Xander said, being honest again, "But, I know I could."

"…Very good," Gomez said with a small smile, "I truly do believe that you and her are meant to be miserable together…perhaps forever."

"Well, you know what they say," Xander said with a smile, "Misery loves company."

"Indeed," Gomez said with a smile, before jumping up and saying, "En Guard!"

Xander felt a sword land in his hand, and he jumped backwards to avoid Gomez's thrust, then parried Fester's attack, before backing up and looking at the wall.

"Thanks, Thing," the hand saluted him from the sword rack, then scuttled away.

"Dirty trick, Gomez," Xander said with a smile, "I like it!"

He lunged.

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday walked along the corridor, examining the hallways that she had been raised in, before stopping at Pugsley's road sign decorated doorway. She knocked their special knock.

"Hey, come in," she entered the room, nodding to Pugsley as he sat down in the electric chair, "What's up?"

"Mother has been asking me about Alex for the past hour or so," Wednesday said, "She is concerned."

"Well, can you blame her," Pugsley said, chewing on a finger sandwich, "You don't have a real track record with men…or women…or anyone."

"She seems to like him," Wednesday said, scanning the room with her eyes…something was off, "Pugsley, have you become a transvestite?"

"From Transsexual, Transylvania," Pugsley asked with a smile, "No, why'd you ask?"

Wednesday held up a container of lipstick.

"…Oh," Pugsley said, for once looking uncomfortable, "Well, I guess there's no real way to tell you, so…"

He sat his plate down and motioned for to follow him back to his closet. He opened up the spacious room and stepped back, allowing her to see. There, tied up to the walls, bound and gagged in leather, was a blindfolded woman.

"You caught something," Wednesday asked.

"Not exactly," Pugsley pulled the ball-gag out of her mouth.

"That was fun," she said with a smile, "Can you use a poker this time, instead?"

"I know that voice," Wednesday said, before smiling another evil smile, "You're Anya, aren't you?"

"…No," she lied in a trembling voice.

"Yeah, you are," Pugsley said with a grin, "We met in Sunnydale. We blew up a few tombs together, then she showed up on the doorstep, begging for sex. How could I deny her?"

"She's Alex's ex," Wednesday replied.

"…Did not know that," he responded, "…He want her back," Wednesday shook her head, "You want her," Wednesday shook her head, "You and he wanna have her together?"

"No power on this earth," Wednesday replied, before smiling and saying, "Except in the case of Lady Heather."

"Please, don't tell Xander I'm here," Anya begged.

"…Enjoy yourself," Wednesday replied, "I am going to find Alex."

"You do that," Pugsley said with a grin before facing Anya, "Now, where were we?"

Wednesday swiftly walked down the halls, ignoring Anya's screams as she did so.