If there was one thing Dean has learned over this past year it is that faking your own death is hard. Really hard. Like imagine the hardest thing you've ever done and then multiply it hard, especially when the only way you can survive it is living only a few blocks away from the person you're hiding from. But all of that led up to this moment, and when he looks at Cas the past year slides away because Dean knows he's staring at his future.

At least he hopes so. He is standing outside an upscale coffee shop in Portland, the place Cas's friend Meg pointed him to when he showed up at her door like a ghost. He expected her to get angry, scream and rant about how stupid his plan was, but she didn't. Instead she smiled, whispered "If this hurts him in any way shape or form, I will end you Dean Winchester," into his ear, and sent him on his way.

Now here he is, looking at the man he left behind. Its like the past year didn't happen when he gazes at Cas's figure through the window, his head cradled in his hand as he peruses over a manuscript or something. He's dressed in a navy suit that makes him look professional and official, and his hair is greased back out of his face. He looks ten years older, little crinkles appearing at his eyes when he smiles down at the page. He looks weathered, more experienced, and nothing like the guy in the ACDC shirt Dean knew from before. How much has Cas changed over the past year?

The thought makes Dean stop in his tracks, and he starts to remember the past weeks without Cas at his side.

The room was a brilliant white when consciousness found him again. The TV was on the background, flashing images of his totaled Baby on the screen. Once he realized a reporter was talking, he tried to focus in on the words being said.

"The car was found at 4:56 this morning with three passengers inside. The three victims have not been identified, but they have all been transported to St. Peter's Advocate Hospital in Rockford in critical condition. Paramedics say that the victims will have a long recovery but should be okay at the end of the day. There is still no insight as to what caused the crash. Darrell Williams reporting from Freeport; back to you, Johanna."

The image on the screen flashed back to a blonde woman behind a news anchor desk, but turned black before Dean could hear her closing remarks on the story. It was only then that he realized he wasn't alone in the room.

"Tragic story, isn't it? Three men get crushed in a freak accident and no one knows what caused it. Everyone is probably calling around now trying to figure out who the vics are. But of course at the end of the day, they think you three will be just fine. A true story of heroism in my book."

Dean's blood boiled as that too familiar voice assaulted his ears. He turned his head to find Michael Novak sprawled out on one of the floral armchairs, his lips turned up in an arrogant smirk. His arms were folded over his chest as he took Dean in with his trademark Novak blue eyes, the stare making Dean's stomach turn.

"What are you doing here?" Dean said gruffly, his voice sounding raw to his own ears.

Michael got up from his seat and walked over to Dean's bed, playing with the tubes attached to Dean's arm. "Can't I be concerned for my brother's dirty little lover? You could have gotten everyone in that car killed, you know."

"I knew the risks. Seemed worth it to get away from your family. Doesn't explain why you're stalking my hospital room like a leech though."

Michael sighed. "I'm here to strike up a deal with you, Winchester. You are in a pretty precarious situation right now so I would suggest you listen carefully. I don't like you with Cas, plain and simple. He deserves someone better than Winchester filth, and my father thought so too. His last instruction to me was to end you and your brother and bring Cas back into the family, and I failed in that task. So instead of ripping this IV out and shooting you right here, I have a proposition for you. An understanding, if you will."

Dean immediately tensed at the words and avoided that predatory gaze that swept over him. "What kind of deal? I don't work with Novaks."

"No, you just screw them," Michael said bitingly. "And we won't be working together. In fact, in this deal I will never see you or your brother again if all goes to plan."

"Then just spit it out, Novak. What do you want from me?"

Michael grinned and leaned against Dean's bed, digging into the IV attached to his arm. Of course that Novak only smiled bigger when he saw Dean's discomfort. "I want what is best for Castiel, of course. He's my little brother and I would do anything to keep him safe. You hinder that, Winchester. With you around Castiel is going to get hurt, one way or another. Admit it, Dean. You're poison. People around you fall apart and you know it. First your mother, then your father. How many times has Sam been hurt fighting your battles, and now Cas is taking hits for you too. You're toxic, Winchester, and I don't want my brother being around that type of environment.

"And with that, I give you my proposal. Of course I think this is what is best, but at the end of the day it all comes down to Castiel and what he wants. But before we barge into his room and make him choose a side, I want to experiment a bit. I am proposing that we give him a year of separation to figure things out for himself. Let him roam his options, let him see what life is like in the real world without such a toxic person in his life. I think it would do him good, and I am sure you think so too."

Dean's mind raced. This wasn't what he was expecting when he woke up to Michael in his room. And even though he didn't want to agree, Michael wasn't wrong. Dean knew deep in his soul that he was poison. People around him got hurt, simple as that. Even though he never spoke of it, he partially blamed himself for his mother's death. Not arguing with her longer when she insisted she go on the stakeout with him and John. Not making her stay behind in the Impala to protect her. Not sensing the argument getting messy between John and Lucifer before it was too late. Not doing anything as he saw his mother's blonde head sprint out of the alley, running between her husband and the bullet that was meant for his heart. He always thought if he was stronger, if he was better, she could still be alive right now.

And then his thoughts raced ahead to a more recent memory, Sam tied up in the Milton's basement all battered and bloody. That wouldn't have happened if Dean realized that his relationship with Cas was selfish, and that somebody was bound to find out one way or another. If he just left Cas alone right when he found out his last name none of this would have happened. It made his stomach turn to think that he ultimately the cause of all of this chaos, the reason both Sam and Cas are unconscious somewhere in this building. But of course it is his fault; when isn't it?

"I can see you know I'm right, so let's move on. You leave Castiel alone for a year to figure things out for himself. If after that year my brother is foolish enough to take you back, then fine. I won't interfere even if I think it is horribly destructive. I'm not the monster you think I am, Dean. I just want what is best for my brother because no one else seems to care what happens to our Castiel."

Dean gave Michael a deadpan stare, trying not to let on how much his words were affecting him. "And if I refuse?"

Michel sighed. "Dean…why are you doing this? We both know you think this is right too. But if you must know… if you refuse and you three try to run away again I will track all of you down, and will not hesitate to take you and your brother out. I suggest you give me what I want now so you don't have to deal with me later. I think my request is quite simple, and you would be wise to heed it."

His mind raced, the gears turning in his head. He hated to admit that the Novak made a good point, but he did. The past 24 hours had been a blur of motion, and Cas never got a long time to sit down and think about what running away with Dean would mean. Maybe a little time apart would do them both good…

"Tick tock, Winchester. What do you say? Will you accept my offer?"

Dean ground his teeth together, hating the words coming out of his mouth. "Fine. We have a deal, Michael."

The Novak smiled back like a lion stalking its prey. "Excellent."

"I don't like this, you know. And its no use anyway. Cas and I will find each other; we always do. This separation is nothing, you know. It will only make us stronger, help us love grander. You could be helping us, Novak."

"Then more power to you, I suppose. But we will just see how this goes when I break the news to Cas that you're dead."

Dean's blood ran cold. "Excuse me? We had a deal, Novak! You don't kill me or my brother if-"

"Oh calm down and let me explain myself. This won't work if Cas knows you can come back at any time. We need him to believe that you're dead so he can grieve and move on, see what life is like without you. And when he realizes how toxic you are, I am sure he will join the Novak cause against the Winchesters once again."

Dean stared back at Michael with pure ice in his eyes. He hated the Novak in that moment, hated that his plan actually made sense, hated that he was going to go through with this even though it went against Cas's trust and well being. But at the end of the day, he knew what Michael said was true. Cas needed that space, and he was not going to let Dean go unless he thought he was gone for good.

"Fine," Dean said bitingly. "How are we going to do this then? Bury me in the ground and dig me out? Get a fake gravestone so Cas can weep over my body that isn't there? Your plan better be solid if I'm going through with this, Michael."

The Novak leaned in towards Dean's ear and whispered his response. "I already have all the forms in order. Better work on a new alias because Dean Winchester is officially deceased."

"And how did you manage to work that out before I agreed to any of this?"

Michael smiled harshly. "Let's just say you were ending up dead today one way or another."

Dean shivered at the words, but shook them off. The deal was done. Dean Winchester was no longer.

"I've got friends in this place who worked everything out. As far as anyone is concerned a Dean Winchester didn't check in here this morning, but a Dean Smith did. Welcome to you new life, Winchester. Or should I say Smith now?" Michael looked at Dean with those icy eyes of his. "The nurses will address you with your new last name, so don't slip up. I'm not going to cover for you if you blow this."

As if on cue, a bright eyed blonde woman knocked on his door, smiling hugely when she saw Dean sitting up and alert in his bed. Michael only gave him one last wink before he bowed out of the room, leaving a tiny piece of paper on his bedside table.

While the blonde woman was occupied, Dean leaned over and grabbed the paper on his nightstand. An address was scribbled in messy handwriting on the page, along with a message:

1940 Wayward St.
Porland, OR 97001

This is where Meg Masters lives. If I know Cas like I think I do she is who he will call after all of this is over. I don't have much hope of him coming home with me. Go there a year from now and find him. Also I will know if you try to see him before then. I've got eyes everywhere, Winchester. I wish you the best of luck.
-Michael L. Novak

Dean sighed heavily as the nurse looked over his vitals quickly and checked his charts.

"Well, it looks like we can discharge you in a few days Mr…Smith, is it?"

Dean grinned but it clearly didn't reach his eyes. "Yeah. That's me."

Dean was discharged three days later from the hospital, but he couldn't get himself to stray far from the premises. He liked to lie to himself and say that it was only because Sam was still in the rehabilitation center and wouldn't be discharged for a few more days, but he knew the real reason. Even though he agreed with the plan, knew that it was going to keep Cas safe from all the terrors that came from running with the Winchesters, he still couldn't get himself to walk away. Every day he would casually stroll by the window, discreetly looking in to see if the doctors have allowed Cas to emerge from his medicated coma yet. Every day he would check on him, just to make sure he was alright. And on the day Sam got discharged and was released from the hospital, Dean was ready to walk away and let Cas figure things out for himself. He just needed one last goodbye first.

He wasn't planning on staying long, but he needed at least one last look at Cas to make sure he was doing the right thing. Dean strolled through the recovery unit while Sam was getting his papers in order, snaking through the labyrinth of hallways until he reached the room he knew so well. He quickly peeked inside to make sure no one was around before he quietly entered.

Cas was a wreck, and the past week hadn't healed him enough for Dean's liking. The right side of his body was covered in plaster and his face had vicious red scratches running down it. His eyes fluttered in his sleep and Dean had to admit he looked absolutely angelic in the setting; the fading light from the window radiated on Cas's face like a halo.

Dean thought about this moment for a long time, but now that it was here he didn't know what to say. He just stared down at that broken face, the one with all of the cuts and bruises on it. He told himself that he had to go or else this would happen again. He couldn't bear the thought of Cas being in danger, couldn't imagine Cas getting hurt because of him. And yet that is exactly what would happen if Dean was around. Michael was right; Dean is poison and Cas in this hospital bed is proof. If Dean had the good sense to leave when he knew Cas was a Novak, left the family lines at bay, Cas would have never gotten hurt. He would still be safe, would probably be a hotshot at an editing firm right now. But instead he was here, bandaged and bleeding. He was here because Dean was selfish and greedy, and the only way Dean could make up for Cas's pain was to do the most unselfish thing he could think of.

He knew time was running out, but he couldn't help but gaze down at that face with adoration. Cas had always been like the sun to him, a bright orb of light that warmed him to the core. Now he had to walk away from the light, confine himself to the icy moon that is a life without the Novak at his side. The only way he got himself to walk away was the loud rumbling of a cart being pushed down the hall.

Time's up. Dean pulled his eyes away from Cas with a start and made his way to the door, but stopped cold when he heard a light rustling from the sheets behind him. But when he turned around it was just Cas moving in his sleep, his head now turned towards the window with his hair tousled in his face.

He sighed heavily, unexpected water springing to his eyes. Without thinking twice Dean walked over and lightly pushed the flyaway hair from Cas's face. Just his hand on the Novak's forehead made his throat clench and he felt salty tears run down his cheeks, dripping onto his lips.

"Goodbye, Cas. See you soon."

And with one last kiss to the man's forehead, Dean turned away with sobs in his throat and walked out the door.

He managed to compose himself before he walked back into the waiting room, but apparently not enough. Sam awaited him as he strolled through the double doors with a huge smile on his face, even though he was still bandaged like a mummy in several places on his body. But that big goofy grin of his faded when he took in Dean.

"Dude, what happened to you?" he asked. "You look worse than me and I'm the one who took all of the damage."

Oh little brother, if you only knew.

"Nothing's wrong with me, Sammy," Dean said lightly, but he cringed when his voice broke and gave him away.

"Dean…"

"I'll explain everything. Let's just get out of here okay?"

Sam didn't argue. "Okay."

The walk to the Impala was quiet, and the car ride out of the city was even quieter. Dean knew he had to tell Sam everything, knew that he deserved that much after all that he'd put his brother through, but he couldn't get himself to think about Cas, let alone say his name in a conversation. Somehow Sam must have understood this because he sat quietly as Dean muttered at traffic.

It wasn't until they crossed the Iowa border that Sam finally spoke up.

"So…are you going to tell me what is going on?"

Dean didn't look at his brother as he spoke. "It's a long story, brother."

Sam smiled. "I think I've got the time."

And so Dean told Sam the entire story, starting back with Michael in the hospital room. He didn't know how long he babbled on for, but Sam heard every word. By the time he explained the situation and how his relationship with Cas is on the line, Dean had to pull over because he couldn't see through the tears stinging his eyes. Damn that Novak, he thought. Damn that man whom he loves, the one who makes tough guy Dean Winchester break down into tears. Damn this whole thing.

"And I…don't know if he will want me…after…" Dean broke down, lightly tapping his forehead against the steering wheel repeatedly.

"Hey, hey hey!" Sam called out, scooting over in the car to tuck Dean's body into his own. "It's going to be okay, Dean. It's going to be fine. You two are meant to be together and this won't change a thing. Will Cas be angry? Hell yeah he will. But will you two work it out? Hell yeah you will. You two love each other, right?"

Dean nodded his head into Sam's shoulder, like he did when they were kids. He couldn't believe that his little brother was the one comforting him. Wasn't it always supposed to be the other way around?

"Then you two will make it through this. That's what love is all about. Trust me, when Jess and I fought it sometimes felt like the world was falling to pieces around us, but we always got through it. Cas and you will too. Dean, look at me."

He managed to look up into his brothers eyes, the butterflies in his stomach calming when Sam threw him a loving gaze.

"You will be fine. We will be fine. We'll get through this, okay?"

Dean smiled back at his brother through the tears. "Okay."

Sam grinned, shoving away from Dean with a pat on his shoulder. "Its only a year. A love like yours will withstand it. Now…where are we going exactly?"

He pushed the remaining wetness from his eyes and pulled back onto the interstate. "Portland, I guess."

That was 365 days ago exactly. A whole year without Cas at his side, a whole year feeling like part of himself was missing, and now everything is coming to a head. He just hopes that Sam is right, that Cas will take him back despite everything they've been through. And now it is the moment of truth.

Dean stares through the window of the coffee shop intently, not making a move. He's waiting for Cas to look up from that damn book in his nose to see him through the glass, for those sapphire eyes to light up with recognition. He's waiting…and waiting…and damn it Cas, how long does it take to read a chapter?

But when it happens and Cas stares back at Dean through the window, it is like a fire exploding in his soul. Those eyes locking with his pull him in like before, and it takes all of Dean's strength not to just run into the door and scoop the Novak up in his arms. The seconds pass slowly as Dean makes his way into the shop and nearly knocks over three tables in the process, not looking at anything or anyone besides Cas. And when he approaches and stands before the Novak, he honestly doesn't know what to say. How do you explain a year long absence to your love?

Luckily for Dean, Cas breaks the tension filled silence first. "…Dean?"

He grins back hugely, stepping into Cas's space. "Hey, Cas."

"Oh sweet god above," Cas whispers, his hands shaking. "I'm hallucinating. I've finally snapped and lost it."

"No, Cas. It's really me. I'm real. I'm here, can't you see that?"

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," he mutters under his breath, eyes wheeling around the room. He stands up abruptly and starts walking aimlessly around the empty coffee shop, getting quite the stare from the barista behind the counter. "I need to get out of here."

"Cas, listen to me!" Dean calls out, reaching over to grab his arm. The touch makes Cas stop in his tracks and turn around in a split second, throwing Dean quite the confused gaze. "You feel that touch? I'm here, Cas. It's me, the same Dean from a year ago."

Cas's lower lip starts to wobble, tears starting to sting his eyes. "Dean?"

"Hi, Cas. Surprise, right?"

Oops. Those were definitely not the right words to say. Cas's composure immediately shifts to anger; his eyes turn to pure ice and he grips the nearest table tightly, eyeing Dean with a look of distain. "Dean Winchester, are you telling me that you let me live a year of my life thinking you were dead? Thinking that you were buried in a ground somewhere, decaying into nothing?"

"Cas…"

"No, Dean! You don't get to talk right now," he says coldly, that gaze punching Dean in the gut with force. "You get to sit and listen while I tell you exactly what I went through. I thought you were dead. Michael showed me your damn death certificate for goodness sakes! Sam showed up at my doorstep and told me you were gone. I thought I would never see you again and I mourned you for a damn long time, Dean. I was really messed up for months after I learned of your fate, but Meg got me through it. I got a job, learned to live life without you even though it killed me inside, and now that I've got my life together you come back from the dead and expect me to just jump into your arms like Allie did to Noah?"

"Actually I'm pretty sure that didn't happen…"

"Dean! This isn't the time to discuss what happened in The Notebook!" Cas exclaims, and Dean would have laughed if the situation was different. "You lied to me. You let me think you were gone and you let me suffer. I'm sorry, but just showing back up in my life isn't going to cut it. I'm not the same guy you left behind all those months ago."

"Damn it, Cas! Can I at least explain myself first? Why I did it? Do you think this wasn't the hardest thing I've ever had to do? Lying to you wasn't fun, Cas. Living blocks away from you but not being able to see you killed me inside. But I did what I had to. I'm sorry, but it was the only way to protect you."

"Wait..what are you talking about? Protect me from who?"

"From Michael, that's who! He's the one who made me do this. He gave me an option to either fake my own death and then return to you in a year, or else he would have hunted us all down until we were dead. Of course I took the first option; I had to protect you and that was the only way I knew how. And I know you shouldn't take me back, that I'm poison in your life, but please know that I love you and would have run back to you in an instant if I ever found a way around Michael's little game."

Cas stays silent as he looks over at Dean, his mouth set into a hard line. "You're not poison, Dean. You're the least poisonous thing in my life, but you are too self sacrificing for your own good, you know that? You think I'm paper that can rip at a moment's notice, that I need protecting because I like books and don't endorse violence but I can really take care of myself. We could have outrun Michael, and if he caught up with us I would have ended him. This could have all been avoided if you truly saw me for who I am. Don't you see me, Dean? I killed my cousin for you, ran away from home for you. I did this, all of it, for you, and in return you abandon me for a year?"

Dean stares down at the floor because looking at Cas has become too difficult to bear. "I'm sorry again Cas, but we can fix this-,"

"Dean, it isn't broken."

His head shoots up like an arrow, taking in that sad smile on Cas's face. "Wait…what?"

Cas walks forward and lays a hand on Dean's shoulder, and the touch is like a live wire running through his system. "This, you and me, it isn't broken. Am I mad? Of course. You lied to me and put me through hell, and the logical part of me says to leave you here and never look back, but love doesn't work that way. I'm still in love with you, Dean. That didn't change over this past year, and that fact that I'm here touching you is something I never thought I would be able to do again. Like hell if I'm going to let that go."

Dean's eyes brighten up and he tentatively puts his hand on Cas's cheek. "So…you forgive me? You still love me?"

The Novak sighs, those lips Dean loves so much curling up into a playful smile. "Forgive you? That will take some time. Love you? I never stopped and never will."

With his heart beating loudly in his chest Dean watches as Cas closes the space between them and presses his warm lips to his. Fire explodes in his stomach as they fall into their familiar embrace, Dean's hand caressing Cas's face while Cas traces lines and constellations onto Dean's back. And in that moment they don't care who sees, don't even remember that they are in a public place and that they are probably being less than respectable. Everything is Cas in Dean's mind, and he knows that he is finally home.

When they break apart for air seconds later, Dean is flushed and thrumming with energy. "Do you want to get out of here?" he says huskily, his voice dripping with undisguised desire.

Cas pushes away with a laugh and grabs Dean's hand, interlacing their fingers in an unbreakable bind. "Yeah, Winchester. Let's go home."

Wow. I can't believe this story is done! Thanks to everyone who read it, commented on it, left feedback that I could work off of. You are all amazing and I hope you loved this little world I created for Dean and Cas. I hope to bring you more fics for this ship in the future, but now I'm spending some time reading some fanfic instead of writing it for a change. Thanks again for reading, and I hope I did these two justice.
Until we meet again,
Rae