The night offered Kathryn, no hopes for sleep. As she turned her head to look beside her, she soon became painfully aware of how cold and empty the other side of her bed seemed. Slipping her hand across the cool sheet she reached out to the other side where the reality of its emptiness was confirmed.
Minutes, or perhaps hours seemed to pass as Kathryn continued to lie in bed while sleep eluded her. Tossing and turning in a desperate attempt to find some comfort, she relived those earlier hours of her day. The musky scent of Chakotay's skin, the sound of his gentle voice and the look of pure adoration as he gazed at her. She could remember each sense so perfectly, as if she had always known him.
An audible sigh broke the silence of her quarters as Kathryn came to the sad conclusion that their time together had ended, almost as quickly as it had begun.
They parted ways after the holodeck, as per usual. Chakotay spent most of the day in his office working on the duty roster while Kathryn spent the rest of the day on the bridge, unbeknownst that neither had accomplished much, if anything at all. Much like her current situation, their minds were occupied elsewhere.
At first, their time together was enough - It had satisfied her, but as the weeks passed and their encounters grew in frequency, she began to realize that those precious few hours they spent together weren't enough anymore. She craved his touch and his affection. Every passing day became a raging battle as she sought to maintain a sense of professional distance from him, all the while being drawn to him as if Chakotay was the very oxygen she needed to breathe.
Eventually she managed to completely exhaust her mind, falling into sweet slumber, and as she slipped into a dreamy state, she hoped dearly that Chakotay wasn't as conflicted as she was.
…
One week later,
Kathryn sat in her ready room, her desk piled with PADDs that she had spent all morning working through, when the chime rang.
She took a sip of her coffee that was slowly cooling.
"Come in," she called, her eyes still glued to the PADD she clutched in her hand.
As the door opened she sensed Chakotay's familiar presence as he strode into the room. Fighting the urge to look up she kept her head down until he reached her desk.
"Here's that PADD you wanted," he held it out to her.
She lifted her head up to look at him, taking the PADD and adding it to her incomplete pile.
"Much to report?"
"Nothing of major concern," he began. "I've dealt with most of the issues, but that being said," Kathryn held her breath waiting for the inevitable, "my mind began to wander after the 26th page."
Leaning back in her chair she groaned at the thought of reading another one of Tuvok's lengthy security reports. Brushing a hand down her face and straightening up again to gulp the last of her coffee, she stood up, rounding her desk to the replicator.
"Coffee?" she offered over her shoulder.
"Please."
Once ordered, Kathryn carried the replicated tray of coffee to her table, sitting down on the couch as Chakotay did.
"Any progress on your reports?" Chakotay questioned as Kathryn poured two coffees, handing one to him. He tried to not to smirk as he sensed her wrinkling her nose in disgust as he added milk and sugar to what she would claim to be an already prefect cup of coffee.
"I only had three left," she replied nonchalantly, pausing as she held her coffee to her lips, giving Chakotay an irritated look, "and then you handed me a novel."
Chakotay laughed, trying to hold back his coffee as he regretted having chosen that moment to take a sip.
"I'm sorry I can't spare you from the pain," he leant over to place his cup on the table, "but it's only fair that as Captain, you should have to read it too."
Her face lit up in shock, and she slapped his knee lightly, but felt awkward having done so without thinking, and quickly withdrew her hand.
Sobering her thoughts, Kathryn took a sip of her coffee before changing the subject.
"The crew evaluations need to be done this week."
"So they do," Chakotay noted. "Do you want to do them over dinner tomorrow?"
Kathryn ran a hand through her hair. They had done crew evaluations before in a similar manner, discussing it over dinner and after, over a bottle of antarian cider, where their conversations gradually slipped away from ship business. But, that had been before. She desperately wanted to say yes, but she couldn't silence the voice in her head that warned her against it.
"I don't think that would be appropriate," she concluded gently.
Chakotay's eyebrows furrowed.
"We've done it that way in the past-"
"Yes, but that was before…" she said quietly. "Chakotay, it's different now."
He gave a slow nod.
"You know I wasn't suggesting anything…of that sort." He began, his voice softening. "I would never intentionally overstep any boundaries outside the holodeck, I promised you that."
He was careful how he reacted, but that didn't prevent him from being a little hurt that she had thought he was insinuating more than dinner.
"I know," she replied, though it was barely a whisper.
"But?"
She pursed her lips together. She felt so many conflicting emotions. She trusted Chakotay, she truly did, but the truth of the matter was that she couldn't trust herself. She shook her head looking down at her lap.
"Actually I've been thinking recently that we need a little space from each other."
"Space?" Chakotay repeated sadly.
Kathryn felt pain at the back of her throat. The disappointment evident in his tone was unbecoming of his gentle voice. He downed the last of his coffee as he stood up, placing the cup on the table before looking at her once more, still staring away, unable to look at him.
"Sorry I asked."
It almost crushed her to hear him apologize to her, but when she finally called out to him, he had already walked out the door.
…
A few days later the crew assembled in the messhall to celebrate Harry's birthday. Kathryn had a made an appearance and as always, Chakotay wasn't far behind. Though this time they did not converse together. As the night grew on and the crowd lessened, Chakotay slipped out of a group discussion about Tom's latest adventures of Captain Proton, he gazed around the room wondering whether Kathryn was still around. No where to be found amongst the crowd, and about to give up, he spotted Kathryn in the far corner of the room, her arms crossed over one another as she stood silently, looking adrift as she stared out of the viewport. Even from a distance he could tell she had something on her mind, and without any doubt he knew what it was about. He walked towards her, unsure of what to say.
"Kathryn?"
She turned her head toward the voice but kept her eyes fixed to the stars. She didn't have to look at him to know, that he was concerned about her.
They hadn't talked about what happened in her ready room those few days ago, though both had continued to go about their duties professionally.
"You've been quiet tonight," Chakotay began.
Kathryn shrugged. "Guess I'm not really in the party mood."
It wasn't an absolute lie, but Chakotay knew there was more to it.
"You've been evasive."
She turned her head away. He was right, she had been. She also knew that they couldn't go on like this, eventually they'd have to have this talk, though a party in the messhall wasn't quite where she imagined it would take place.
"I've been thinking about a lot of things lately," she spoke slowly with certainty as she continued to gaze at the stars.
"And?"
"We have to end this," she put it bluntly.
Chakotay's throat went dry.
"End what?" he rasped, knowing too well what she was getting to, but refused to be the one to say it.
She sighed deeply, hanging her head briefly before she finally turned to look at him.
"The holoprogram," she whispered, "Everything, it has to stop."
She had forced herself to hold a strong façade, though the words she spoke did nothing but add to the inner pain and turmoil of the situation.
"Why?"
She had never heard such sadness in someone's voice, yet alone in one simple word.
"It was a stupid idea to think that it could ever work."
"It does work and it's been working just fine," he stepped forward his voice becoming firmer and adamant. "I thought you were happy?"
"I was," she reassured him quickly. "Chakotay, I've enjoyed what we've shared these past few weeks. It's meant a lot to me and I'll always be grateful of what we had," she sighed feeling the weight of her decision. "Don't think that this isn't hard for me because it is."
"What have I-"
"It's not you," Kathryn quickly answered, laying a gentle hand on his arm before she pulled it back. She looked at him sadly.
"I just can't go on like this. It's too much, Chakotay. One minute we're together, and the next we're not," she looked away from him.
"I can't balance this life anymore. Did you really expect that this could go on forever? That soon enough I wouldn't care and we would end up together?"
"And that would be a horrible outcome?" Chakotay answered firmly. He understood where she was coming from. He felt it too. He wanted her, always. But he didn't want to lose her. Their journey was too long to contemplate ever being without her.
She shook her head then looked at him, her voice becoming a soft whisper.
"You know we can't be together, not like this, and not out here."
"We've been out here for years. There's no Starfleet Command to regulate this situation. Kathryn I…" he struggled to find the words to describe how she made him feel until he did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do.
"To hell with the holodeck, to hell with Starfleet, don't take what we had and rip it away..."
He looked at her seriously, stepping forward to brush his hand down her forearm.
"Be with me."
"Chakotay," she warned, stepping back. "Don't do this."
A silence fell upon them, unsure of what to say, or how to rectify the situation.
"Tell me you don't want the same thing?"
"I can't answer that," she said simply.
"Why? Because it's true?"
"I've made my decision and it stands."
"So that's it?" he shrugged.
She nodded firmly.
"I'm sorry, Chakotay."
He looked at her as though he was unable to recognize the woman before him.
"What are you so afraid of, Kathryn?"
She took a moment to collect her thoughts before she turned to leave, stopping a few feet away from him, mustering up one last ounce of strength to answer him.
"Everything."
TBC