"Everything"…

Kathrynhadn't meant to hurt Chakotay, but then again, she hadn't meant to let herself fall so deeply for a man so forbidden from her. And that was the saddest realization of all - she had fallen for a member of her crew.

She was an Admirals daughter, born and raised in Starfleet and cut from the same cloth as her father. It was the only way of life she knew until she met Chakotay. A man with a past so tragic, her heart ached for all he had lost and had fought for. But behind the anger and the rebellion that drove him to join the Maquis, she saw the soft and compassionate side behind his strong façade that he kept guarded for want of protecting all she had just put him through.

Kathryn strode down the empty corridors in silence, nodding with a forced smile to passing crew members as she tried desperately to remain in control of her emotions. It was one of the first things she was taught in command school - the importance of holding a calm outwards appearance in view of the crew. She understood that, even in such dire circumstances as being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Yet, she had failed to maintain a certain distance from her crew. She had profoundly and irrevocably crossed the line with her First Officer.

It hadn't been her idea to begin a relationship, but she couldn't blame Chakotay, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't blame herself. It was an inevitable attraction, one that led her to believe that she could be satisfied in that way of living. But she had made her choice. She knew it wouldn't be easy to let go, for either of them. She would miss those precious moments that they shared, she would miss that feeling of security as Chakotay held her close to him, the heat and passion of their lovemaking, and his warm breath on her neck.

As the corridor opened up to a viewport, Kathryn paused for a moment contemplating her next move. She wasn't walking to any particular destination, only to where her legs would take her. Kathryn took a few slow steps towards the viewport until she stood staring at the stars. She crossed her arms and leant her shoulder against the side of the bulkhead as she watched the stars go by. It had always been a calming pastime of hers, even in her present desolate state.

Kathryn sighed, letting her head lean against the bulkhead as she closed her eyes for a moment. If she was honest with herself, what she would miss most of all was feeling like a woman, those brief few moments when she got to be Kathryn and not the Captain who had the weight of Voyager on her shoulders. But she would have to accept it. That was the price she had to pay for destroying the array.

Kathryn continued to walk along the corridors, oblivious of her surroundings until she stopped outside a door she recognized.

Sickbay.

It almost caught her off guard that her mind had been so focused elsewhere that she had made it to deck 5 without even realizing it. Kathryn stared at the door before her; she had never had a particular liking for sickbay, and being notorious for her evasive maneuvers when it came to anything medically related to her, it seemed peculiar that all her walking had brought her to the one place she in any normal circumstances avoided. But then she already knew the answer to that; it wasn't so much of what sickbay represented - it was who was in it.

Kathryn took a step forward hearing the familiar sound of the doors swish open, inviting her into the bright sterile environment. It was as any Captain would hope, quiet and empty, and though that would appear to be pleasing, it did nothing to comfort the feeling of emptiness that she felt.

As the doors hissed shut, the Doctor emerged from his office with a surprised look on his face, for the Captain was the last person he would have expected to walk through those doors. He moved towards her and though she was looking away, he noticed that she appeared to be paler than usual but more surprisingly, she wasn't trying to hide the pained expression she wore.

"Captain, are you ill?" the Doctor questioned as he quickly reached for his medical tricorder.

"No," she shook her head, waving the tricorder away as the Doctor pointed it at her. She came up to the biobed and traced her fingertips along the edge before finally looking up at the Doctor.

"But I could use a friend."

He could hear the vulnerability in her voice, and see the tears in her eyes that threatened to spill. The Doctor gave her a heartfelt nod, feeling a little touched that she had regarded him as a friend.

"Computer, seal sickbay doors," he ordered as he gestured for Kathryn to sit on the biobed.

As she sat down the Doctor moved to sit beside her. He didn't talk, he knew whatever she had to say would eventually come on her own time.

She stared into her lap as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

"A few weeks ago, I began a romantic relationship with Commander Chakotay."

The Doctors eyebrows rose.

"I see."

She wiped away the tears that stained her cheeks.

"But It's not that simple."

Kathryn began to tell the Doctor about the last few weeks, the holodeck, and her ending things with Chakotay. But most importantly she had failed to tell him all but one thing.

"Do you love him, Captain?"

Kathryn titled her head to look at the Doctor, his question obviously catching her off guard.

"What?" she questioned.

The Doctor straightened up, reiterating his question.

"Commander Chakotay. Do you love him?"

He could see she was terrified by that question. She hadn't expected their time on the holodeck to affect her as much as it now did, and it was sad to see her realize too late that their arrangement wasn't a simple fix to an impossible solution.

"Yes," she finally admitted after several moments.

She straightened up and looked at the Doctor, the sadness still evident in her eyes.

"I do."

The Doctor gave her a weak smile as he slowly nodded and ran a hand down her back. Though he couldn't pretend to understand the logic behind her arrangement, he understood her position as Captain and he understood the human need for companionship, so until she was ready to leave, he'd continue to sit with her in silence for however long she needed.

…

When Kathryn left the messhall, Chakotay spotted a few stray eyes looking in his direction and as much as it pained him, he had to pretend that nothing but a collegial discussion had passed between them. So he moved to join Tom's group but his participation was forced, as was the smile on his face. He knew he shouldn't have pressed Kathryn for a real relationship, it was the one thing he had promised her; he had promised her that their time on the holodeck wouldn't come to that –but it had. Kathryn was right, in essence they had clung to a fantasy in hope that in time it would become real.

After an appropriate time after Kathryn had left, Chakotay excused himself from the party. Sleep would be a futile attempt, and he doubted the Doctor would be pleased to treat him after a grueling boxing session with the safeties turned off, so Chakotay began to walk to the one person he had left to turn to.

…

B'Elanna sat on the floor in Engineering, tools spread across the floor as she examined an open conduit. When she heard the sound of footsteps come up behind her she threw her head over her shoulder catching sight of her visitor.

"Chakotay," she said, turning her attention back to the conduit. "I thought you were at the party?"

"I was," he answered bluntly, gritting his teeth as he fought back the emotion inside of him.

"If the Captain has sent you to check on the modifications tell her that they won't be done for a few more hours," she said knowingly, while wiping invisible dust off her trousers as she stood up and grabbed her tool kit, "So she may as well wait to check on them in the morning," she continued.

But when B'Elanna stood before him she saw sadness in Chakotay's eyes and tightness to his lips that masked an inner turmoil and heartache she hadn't seen in him for many years.

"Are you okay, Chakotay?"

He clasped his hands tightly behind his back, looking down at the floor closing his eyes briefly before he lifted his head and his sad eyes met hers.

"Have you got a minute?" his gentle voice asked.

"Sure," she nodded setting her toolbox down, leading him to the railing.

"I take it this isn't about the modifications then?"

He shook his head as his hands grasped the railing. A shiver ran down his spin as he peered down into engineering, reminiscent of the time he had stood in the same spot with Kathryn as they looked down upon B'Elanna as she took charge of Engineering for the first time.

Engineering was quiet with the majority of the crew in attendance of the party. B'Elanna had attended earlier but the Captain had been insistent on getting the necessary modifications done while they were in quiet space.

Chakotay knew that Kathryn would be upset if she knew that he had told a member of the crew about their affairs, but he didn't have anyone else to turn to and B'Elanna wasn't just any member of the crew, she was his close friend. They had been friends for many years and since her relationship with Tom Paris, he hoped that she would understand.

"The Captain and I…" he paused turning around to lean against the railing. "We started seeing each other a few weeks ago."

A genuine smile spread across B'Elanna's face.

"That's great, Chakotay," she approved, placing a hand on his forearm.

He smiled briefly only for it to be replaced by disappointment.

"Well it wasn't so great the way we went about it..."

B'Elanna listened intently as Chakotay explained all that had transpired between the command team over the past few weeks and most importantly, what had happened recently. It wasn't the smartest arrangement, yet she understood why it had to be that way. Everyone aboard Voyager could tell how much Chakotay loved Kathryn. But seeing him finally admit it was entirely different.

"You know," B'Elanna began, looking nervous for what she had to say next. "I didn't tell you this because I thought it wasn't my place to say..."

Chakotay crossed his arms waiting for her to continue.

"Do you remember last month when the Captain, Vorik and I went on an away mission for five days?"

He nodded remembering all too well how horrible that week had been without her.

"When we docked in the cargo bay, I saw the way her face lit up when you were there to greet us. I didn't look into it any further because I already knew what I saw," she paused as a smile graced her face. "And I know that, because that's the same way I look and feel when I see Tom after days apart. She may not have said anything, but I know love when I see it, Chakotay, and love isn't something you can give up on easily. Just give her time."

TBC