I'm so sorry it took me more than 4 months to update this! I promise you won't have to wait as long for Chapter 6! Hopefully, some people still follow this story and leave a tiny review! I would (as always) really really appreciate that!
"You... you don't have to do this, Hotch..."
"Emily...!" Hotch sighed. Of course he didn't have to be here, but he wanted to. Somehow, though, he felt like Emily needed the reassurance, needed to be convinced she was not being a burden.
"I'm here for you, Emily, and I won't leave unless you tell me to."
She thankfully squeezed his hand and Hotch noticed a single tear running down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier - or how I said it..."
Emily sighed. "It's okay. You... I know you didn't want to scare me. It's just that... Well, you didn't make it real or something - it has been real for me long before you said that, but..." "... but being confronted with it by someone else was like a slap in the face," Hotch finished. "Mhm-hm..." Emily nodded. "May I ask you something?"
Emily shrugged. She couldn't stop him from asking. The point was: Would she be strong enough to answer his question? Well, she could decide that afterwards... Emily hesitatingly nodded.
"Does anyone else know what happened?"
She sighed. "I... couldn't tell anyone, but... I'm quite sure Dr. Porter knows. She's my..." Emily paused, biting her lip. Hotch nodded in understanding, and Emily continued. "I went there to get... checked out right after... it happened," she took a deep breath, "She saw me. Saw it. She gave me that look, you know? But I couldn't tell her. I... couldn't even look at her..."... and she couldn't look at Hotch, either. Suddenly feeling ridiculous, Emily let go of his hand.
He was her boss, damnit! This was just wrong! He shouldn't be here in the middle of the night, comforting her as if she were a little child! Hell! He shouldn't have to be here! Hotch holding her hand shouldn't help so much! She didn't deserve his help! Didn't deserve his gentleness, his care, his devotion. It was all her fault, so she had to deal with the consequences on her own. Right?
Seeing the distant look in Emily's eyes, Hotch knew that she was mentally struggling with herself. Why didn't she believe him that he wanted to help her, wanted to be there for her?
"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Emily!"
She sighed, and Hotch knew that she didn't think so. Knew that Emily was ashamed, knew that she thought what Cyrus had done to her was somehow her own fault; that she could have prevented it, could have stopped him, if she had been smarter, stronger, ... He knew that she thought the fear, the pain, the tears she felt and cried during the nights were the just punishment for her failure. And knowing that hurt. It hurt, because Hotch wasn't sure he would be able to convince her of the contrary.
"I just didn't want to be treated differently" Emily started. "That's why I didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't get through the day if I knew everybody was looking down on me the way I... look down on myself. I need a reason to stay strong, or otherwise I'll fall apart completely."
"Emily..." Hotch sighed. "I'm not looking down on you. I'm looking up to you. I'm so proud of you. I'm proud, because you brought up the courage to call me tonight. There is no shame, no weakness in asking for help, Emily. Quite the contrary. You are the strongest person I know - not despite, but because what has happened to you; not despite, but because you asked for help."
"Do you...really think that?" Emily shyly looked at him, trying to read from his eyes whether he was telling the truth. Hotch nodded. "Yes, I do." The sincerity in his voice felt like a comforting embrace.
And there it was. A smile. A tiny, doubtful smile, but a smile.
Maybe she did believe him after all...