Kanaya rode the elevator in silence. She was practically floating in ecstasy, her mind fuzzy with love. Karkat had wanted to stay on the roof for a few minutes, so she consented, still basking in the afterglow of her first kiss. The bell chimed and she walked out the door, hardly paying attention to where she was going. She didn't realize that she was walking until her nose bumped into her apartment door. Chuckling to herself, she unlocked the door and slipped inside.
Karkat paced the rooftop, the two sides of his mind at war. She's so perfect! Everything about her is incredible. But you… you don't deserve her. She's far too good for you. Was she running away from you when she left? No! We heard her, didn't we? She said that she loves us! And we love her! But was she just playing along? Is she just setting you up for the biggest fall of your miserable, pathetic life? Karkat shook both armies out of his mind, focusing only on what he knew. She loves me. I love her. But yet a small seed of doubt remained, Karkat could not dislodge it.
He continued his pacing for a few more minutes, his mind relaxing from the motion. Soon, he too took the elevator down, though the silence in his was darker, more forbidding. He was out of the elevator as soon as he could be. His mood was considerably worse than when he had gotten in, and a dark cloud seemed to hover above his head. Before knocking, he arranged his face and posture into something more… appropriate for someone who had just had their first kiss. The door opened after about ten seconds, reassuring Karkat that Kanaya had not been watching the peephole, as he half suspected.
"Hey, Kanaya!" he put on a falsely cheery voice, trying not to let his anxiety slip through.
She moved out of the way, allowing him to enter. A wide smile was etched on her face, which was slowly turning red. The door closed and Kanaya broke the momentary silence. "Well?" she trailed off into a leading question.
"Well, what?"
"Well, are you going to talk? Or are you just going to stand there awkwardly?"
"Oh, yeah I guess I'll talk…" he walked over to the couch and sat down, formulating his response. Kanaya sat down next to him and took his hand in her own. "I guess… that I just find it difficult to believe that I'm actually… here, you know? Not here as in alive, but here, with you."
Kanaya gripped his hand, feeling how it was straining against hers. "It's okay to talk about this Karkat. It's natural. Just let it happen."
He smiled at her comforting tone and words and continued, his body and tone less stressed, "I just can't really, fully accept that this is for real. There's always some tiny part of me that can't believe that you're fully sincere. That this isn't some… elaborate trick… or something." Oh good job, Karkat. Now you're going to flat out lie to her? You're disgusting! Yet he continued anyways, "I don't want to feel that way but…"
"You just are afraid that your dad will find you, is that it?" Kanaya finished gently, "And you don't want us to get hurt?"
Kanaya's insight shocked Karkat. "Y-yeah, I guess so…"
"And you aren't worried about what'll happen to you if he finds you?"
As much as Karkat wanted to disagree, he couldn't. He was completely obsessed with Kanaya. "That isn't as important. I know how to deal with him. You have no clue what it's like, and I won't let you ever know."
Karkat's seemingly brutal honesty shocked Kanaya more than anything he'd ever said. He's so protective of me… I suppose it shouldn't be an inordinately large surprise, but still. Although I am the first friend he's ever had.
Karkat watched Kanaya go silent, fearing the worst. Dammit, Karkat! You couldn't have phrased that in a less commanding way? He started sweating, realizing that history might be repeating itself again. I've always had to drive people who cared about me away. Now that I actually want this relationship, am I about to drive her away too? The silence between them grew in tension until Karkat had mentally consigned himself to leaving.
Kanaya finally broke the silence and stunned Karkat with her reply. "I think I understand now. You aren't hiding because you don't trust us; you're hiding because you don't want us to get hurt."
Karkat nodded, relieved that he could tell the truth in this matter. "I would rather go back to the way I was living before than let you get hurt. I would gladly do whatever it took to protect you."
"And you had to drive away everyone who cared or they would get hurt too. Right?"
Once again, Kanaya's insight surprised Karkat. "Exactly. I never told anyone because… well, two reasons. I wasn't willing to risk others getting hurt, and because I knew that dad would literally kill me if I did. He did a pretty good job of trying, too." Involuntarily, he tensed up, remembering the agony of his bones snapping.
Kanaya turned and embraced him, realizing that the time for words was past. Karkat held his arms at his sides for a moment, surprised by her sudden shift. He slowly brought his arms up and returned the hug, feeling both comfort from her love, and agony from his lying to her. He held her close, trying to work up the courage to say something, but he couldn't.
Eventually, they released each other. They each saw the love they had for one another written on their faces, but Karkat was presenting a façade, a lie made of truths and half-truths. He loathed himself for it, but couldn't bear to tell Kanaya the truth. She was far too precious to him. The agony of lying to her started eating at him, but he let no sign of it show on his face.
"I love you, Karkat. I really, truly do. Again, if you ever need to talk, please don't be afraid to. That's what people do."
Her trust and belief in his lies made tears come to Karkat's eyes. She mistook them for tears of joy, and embraced him once more. Karkat got himself under control and returned it, before Kanaya pulled away.
"I've got to get my homework done now. But just remember, okay?" she smiled and patted his shoulder, then stood up and walked away, leaving Karkat alone. He stood up slowly, after she had gone, and walked over to the kitchen with his head bowed. You're disgusting, Karkat. You lied to her and she believed it! How dare you? He slammed his fist into his head, punishing himself. Unsatisfied with his weak blows, he looked around carefully. Locating a certain drawer, he reached in and took out a certain object. Are you sure you want to do this? Of course, stupid! You deserve it anyways! Holding the object in his hand, he walked to the bathroom and locked himself in.
Glancing at the sharp knife he carried, he pondered where it would leave its mark. Not on the arms, someone would see it. My chest is already marked up badly, but it's also lost a lot of its sensitivity. He decided on his inner thighs. They were relatively unmarked, and no one but him would see the wounds for a while. Gritting his teeth, he pressed the sharp blasé against his skin and pulled. The pain was less intense than he had expected, and with it came release. He felt some of his inner pain flow out with the blood, running down his leg. Noticing that the blood would leave notable stains, he took a washcloth and pressed it to the wound.
He repeated the process multiple times, each cut adding to his pain, but relieving his conscience. Karkat drew the blade once more across his thigh and looked at his handiwork. There were seven cuts along each thigh, the skin spreading them, making them look like gills. He suppressed a laugh at the thought. There. You deserved those cuts, Karkat. You lied to Kanaya over and over and over again. There's your punishment. He felt much better on the inside, and while his legs hurt when he stood, it was easily bearable for him. Using a few tissues, he wiped up the small bit of blood on the floor, wiped the knife clean, and then flushed them down the toilet. Then, he took the hydrogen peroxide in the cabinet and cleaned his wounds. It was almost blissful to feel it at work. It's so much less painful than rubbing alcohol. He took a roll of medical tape from his pocket (still a habit) and using strips of toilet paper, he bound his wounds.
Walking was a little painful, but again, he felt like he deserved it as punishment. He had washed the knife well, so he returned it to its place in the cabinet. Surprisingly, he felt good. The cuts on his thigh weren't too deep, but they still went through all three layers of skin. Alright, Karkat here's the deal: if you don't lie to Kanaya, you don't need to do that again. Sound fair? He heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and he assumed his façade once more.
"Hey, Karkat! I'm going to make some lunch, you want something?"
"Hmm, maybe later, but not right now. I'm still good from breakfast." Oh, great. That's one and two more. He had absolutely no intention of eating lunch, he was hungry but he had no appetite.
"Alright, but make sure to eat. Mom's still worried about how much you weigh." Karkat gave a chagrined smile. For the first month Karkat had lived with the Maryams, Rosa had nearly needed to force-feed Karkat. He would eat, but only small portions. She had threatened to tie him to the table until he ate enough. When he asked what qualified as 'enough', she laughed and replied, "As much as I say." Now, two months later, he was still very skinny at only 105 pounds, but Rosa was satisfied "now that he has a bit of meat on his bones."
Karkat ambled around the area while Kanaya made her lunch. Eventually, he went back to his room, where he lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Before he knew it, he was asleep.
He stood in the Maryams' kitchen while Kanaya yelled at him. "Karkat, how dare you lie to me about that?! I trusted you!" She was weeping in rage, her face a dark red. Her anger hurt Karkat worse than anything he had ever felt before. It felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest, but he couldn't make a sound. She spun around from where she had been pacing and walked right up to his face. "I hate you," she whispered, "Get out. Don't come back!" She slapped him in the face. It echoed throughout the room, and the force of it threw Karkat to the floor.
With tears in his eyes, Karkat looked up at Kanaya, her face distorted by rage. "But… where will I go?" he asked, his throat choking his words.
"I don't care!" she hissed, "Go live with your dad, for all I care!" She kicked him once where he lay sprawled on the floor and walked away, her head held high.
"Kanaya, wait! Don't leave me…"
"Don't leave me." He awoke to realize that he was not alone in his room. Kanaya had pulled him into a sitting position and had him laying partially on her, her arms wrapped around him.
"Don't worry, Karkat. I'll never leave you." She gripped him tighter, and whispered in his ear, "I love you, Karkat. Nothing will ever change that."
He twisted in her arms and wrapped his arms around her, sobbing. "I-I-I'm s-s-sorry." He could say no more, his body racked by massive sobs.
"What for? You've done nothing wrong." Kanaya put one hand on the back of his head and tucked it into her shoulder. "You're alright, Karkat. It's okay."
Karkat could not respond, only clutch her like a lifeline and sob. She continued soothing him until he ceased weeping. Eventually, he looked up, "It's alright Kanaya. Just a bad dream. Nothing to worry about."
"Karkat, just stop downplaying everything! What happened?"
He looked at her and gulped, then spoke, "It was… well… you. You said that you hated me and kicked me out." He suppressed the urge to start crying again.
"I would never do that to you, you know that." Does he really think that I'd do that to him? "Just calm down, okay? It's going to be just fine."
"I KNOW it's going to be fine! It's just if your dreams felt just as real as I do now, and someone in your dreams were to hit you, stab you, or hurt you, would just wake up and think 'oh that's a bad dream. Sure am glad it wasn't real'? No! You wake up terrified that it is real." He stopped, realizing that he was nearly screaming.
Kanaya looked at him with a pale face, "I didn't mean it like that… I just… you needed to calm down. I am never going to leave you, Karkat. Look at me," she grabbed his shoulders and looked in his eyes, "I love you, Karkat. Your dreams can't change that."
Karkat's terror and illogical rage suddenly evaporated staring into those emerald pools. "I'm sorry Kanaya. Sometimes my mind can be… cruel." He leaned away, breaking the embrace. Standing up, the pain in his thighs flared, but he gave no sign of it. "Thank you so much. For everything. You mean the world to me." He smiled, a more common yet still rare occurrence.
Kanaya got off of his bed too and walked to the door. "Karkat, remember: talk to me when you need to. It'll help." She left the room, not closing the door behind her.
Karkat followed her out into the hallway after a few moments. Kanaya turned and looked at him, a questioning eyebrow raised. "I'm going to get something to eat." His appetite had returned. He enjoyed a late lunch out in the kitchen, looking out over the city from the glass wall. As he ate the last bite of his sandwich, Kanaya sat down at the table with him. They said nothing, just held hands and enjoyed the beautiful view. No words were needed.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, I want to wrap this story up by chapter 30. You might be asking me 'But Manic, how can you spread out the content to SEVEN more chapters? Oh, you'll see. There still is a bit more plot to go before the end. I have an epilogue in mind that I really want to spend a few days on. The epilogue will be Chapter 31, by the way. Thanks so much for the support. As of now, I will take suggestions from reviewers on what kind of story to write next. Desired genre: Hurt/Comfort. I want characters, issue (the Hurt), setting and setting names, etc. Please keep recommendations short (I want a list, not sentences please). Also, if I don't pick your idea, don't be offended. I'll pick the idea that has the most potential. Recommendations due in one (1) week's time + however long the epilogue takes. As always, enjoy and review!-Manic-Catastrophe