This chapter was actually so long. So I've decided to take it down a literacy level. I will write the person's name and then their lines so please enjoy this chapter which is a bit of stupidity and randomness. This is the a slightly shorter part of a much, much longer chapter and the next two will be coming in a two piece set of wonderful amazing answers to dreams. Aren't you glad I'm updating! R&R
Disclaimer: Do not own Wicked, Phantom or anything else you may rcognize in here.
Alex: Are we back? Shit. All right is anyone watching?
Stagehand: Practically all of America.
Alex: Oh god we're a bunch of idiots.
Elphaba: We're great.
Alex: No I don't think that's it.
Fiyero: We're entertaining
Alex: No!
Weirder: They are watching me!
Alex: Hell no!
Erik: They're watching for the violence, sarcasm, hilarity of it and the stupidity.
Evanesce: And the growing anger of the host.
Weirder: Hell yeah!
Elphaba: That sums it up.
Fiyero: It makes sense to me.
Elphaba: Good to know you understand something dear.
Fiyero: Hey!
(Evanesce stands up and waves the wand around above her head) Evanesce: Poodle! Punjab! Potato!
Erik: Punjab!
Elphaba: What?
Evanesce: (shows her lasso) France! Foozle! Fop!
Erik: (stands) Fop!
Weirder: Creamed corn!
Evanesce: No. That was weird.
Weirder: That was my point.
Erik: The fop!
Evanesce: Should die!
Weirder: Who's the fop?
Evanesce: You're really slow.
Erik: That's putting it nicely.
Weirder: Brad? Me? Evilina?
Hey!
Evanesce: Raoul!
Erik: Should die!
Evanesce: Yes! (Twirls wand around)
Elphaba: What are you doing?
Weirder: I'm random!
Fiyero: No way! We couldn't tell!
Glinda: Stop you'll break the wand!
Evanesce: What would happen if I start chanting?
Erik: Try it!
Evanesce: Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka nahmen. Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka nahmen. (Waves wand)
(Screams from outside)
Weirder: Guess what?
Erik: What?
Weirder: Raoul is dead!
Evanesce: Really?
Erik: Are you sure?
Weirder: Yes really and I'm sure he's dead 'cuz I don't think you can live with a boulder on your head. Hey I can rhyme!
Gregory: Wow you're a genius!
Weirder: I know.
Evanesce: Ding-dong the fop is dead. Which old fop, the stupid fop. Ding-dong the stupid fop is dead.
Alex: Oh god.
Elphaba: Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka eleka...
Evanesce: No! Stop!
Erik: What?
Evanesce: She's saving him.
Erik: What, no! I have waited too long for him to die!
(Screaming can be heard from outside the studio.)
Evanesce: Weirder, what's happening?
Weirder: Well from what I can see Raoul is alive and the weather is great out!
Erik: You witch!
Elphaba: Yes?
Erik: Why?
(The stage door opens and a scarecrow dressed stupidly like Raoul enters.)
Elphaba: Oh come on! Can I not get it right?
Fiyero: Not again.
Raoul: What? What are you looking at?
Erik: Great. Now he's even more annoying than before.
Elphaba: You're a scarecrow.
Raoul: What?!?!
(Glinda brings a mirror to him.)
Raoul: Oh crap I am a scarecrow!
Evanesce: (waves the wand) I liked him better dead.
Erik: So did I.
Elphaba: You know, it's funnier when it's someone you don't know.
Glinda: Elphie!
Elphaba: I'm only stating fact.
Fiyero: It really is funnier.
Erik: It's funny because it's Raoul.
Raoul: Hey!
Glinda: Does no one care?
Evanesce: Nope.
Glinda: Why?
Erik: Because he's a fop.
Raoul: Am not!
Evanesce: Are too!
Raoul: Where is Christine?
Erik: Back on the with Carlotta.
Raoul: She must be dying!
Erik: I can only hope.
(Raoul runs or trips out the door to find her.)
Erik: Finally.
Elphaba: Good he's gone.
Evanesce: Wonderful.
Glinda: Why are you all so mean?
Elphaba: I was born that way.
Evanesce: I want to be.
Erik: I feel the impulse to be mean everytime I see him.
Glinda: Why?
(Evanesce waves wand frantically back and forth to try and tell her not to ask that.)
Erik: Why ask?
Glinda: Fine, I won't.
Evanesce: Good.
Elphaba: What else can that stick do?
Glinda: Not much.
Elphaba: With you holding it.
Glinda: That was mean!
Elphaba: I am mean.
Fiyero: She did.
Glinda: So?
Erik: So never mind.
(A scream is heard and Christine bursts through the door, slamming it behind her.)
Erik: And now Miss Daae has decided to join us.
Evanesce: Oh joy.
Christine: Raoul is a...
Erik: Fop.
Elphaba: Scarecrow.
Evanesce: Both.
Erik: A foppish scarecrow.
Glinda: Hey where's Boq?
Christine: The short man?
Glinda: Yes.
Christine: He came onto our show and was then chased away by the men in the pink.
Erik: Like your husband.
Christine: Yes but he came back and is fine.
Elphaba: Fine? He's a scarecrow?
Erik: He looks much better than before.
Christine: Erik!
Erik: Yes?
Evanesce: If I chant again, will that help?
Elphaba: How?
Evanesce: Then they would both be scarecrows.
Christine: No! I don't want to be straw!
Erik: You want to be married to it though?
Christine: No! Change him back!
Evanesce: Can't!
Erik: Yes!
Christine: Why not?
Elphaba: A spell can not be reversed once it has been cast.
Christine: What?
Glinda: He can't be changed back.
Christine: (cries) What?!?
(Evanesce hits her over the head with the wand.)
Evanesce: Shut uo!, Stop crying and deal with the fact that you chose a foppish scarecrow over someone made of awesome.
(Silence follows and Erik is stunned. Elphaba and Fiyero exchange glances. Glinda looks confused. Christine cries into the floor and Weirder stands and claps alone.)
Weirder: Yeah! Woo Hoo!
Evanesce: Thank you!
Weirder: No problem. I like embarassing myself.
(More silence follows and then Fiyero breaks out in hysterical laughter.)
Glinda: What's so funny?
Fiyero: Christine's got ears!
Elphaba: Everyone does Yero.
Fiyero: No! Donkey ears!
Erik: What?
(They all turn and amazingly Fiyero is right. Christine has grown donkey ears and a tail has also started to grow.)
Evanesce: That...is...awesome.
Weirder: Flippin' sweet!
Gregory: I will never understand your language.
Weirder: Thanks.
(Christine screams. Fiyero falls on the floor and laughs along with Elphaba and Erik.)
Glinda: It's not funny!
Elphaba: It is!
(She screams again.)
Elphaba: Glinda, nothing can be done.
(Glinda tries to comfort Christine.)
Erik: This is a really great show.
Glinda: Erik!
Erik: What?
Christine: Help me!
Glinda: Give me that wand! (she tries to grab it from her but is too short.)
Evanesce: Why?
Glinda: So, I can help her.
Evanesce: Why?
Glinda: So, she doesn't turn into a donkey.
Erik: But she's finally becoming what her husband is!
Glinda: What?
Evanesce: Except he's a fop.
Christine: What?
Erik: You're turning into an ass Christine.
(They all laugh while Christine screams and Glinda shakes her head.)
Glinda: Will you heartless people stop?
Evanesce: Erik, heartless?
Glinda: Yes! How can you not care?
Erik: Easy.
Evanesce: I could care less about the fop-loving donkey butt.
Weirder: You mean ass.
Evanesce: Yeah, sure.
Erik: I like you.
Christine: Who are you?
Evanesce: I'm a phangirl, which means I am anti-fop.
Erik: You are the fop.
(Christine screams and her hands and feet turn into hooves.)
Alex: She's giving me a headache. SECURITY!
(Guards arrive and Alex slips one a $20.)
Get Elphaba too.
(They grab Christine and Erik and Elphaba to drag outside.)
Christine: Wait! He...he...heehaw!
Erik: Let me go or that will be the last breath you take!
Elphaba: What the hell?
Fiyero: Hey shes not...
Alex: All right! Well know that they're...
Elphaba: Let me go or you'll wish you had never ever taken that $20 from him. (The guards freeze.) Yeah I know.
(The guard who grabbed Elphaba turned to stone and Erik's turns to flowers.)
Evanesce: I am loving this wand.
Erik: Merci. (Elphaba mouths the French behind him.)
Evanesce: French again.
Christine: What about me?
Evanesce: I told you. I'm anit-fop.
Christine: So? My husband is fop, not...
Erik: Aha! You said it yourself.
Christine: No! I meant...
Evanesce: Sure you did.
Weirder: I heard you with my own human ears.
Christine: No! He is not...he is...heehaw!
Erik: Wow that is funny.
Christine: Stop it! (Grows muzzle.) Oh god!
Evanesce: So, in the end, Christine became a donkey, married to a foppish scarecrow, and the Angel of Music lived laughing at how karma kicked her donkey butt. Oh!
Weirder: Beautiful story.
Erik: Yes beautiful, mon ami.
Elphaba: We know it's french.
Weirder: Do you know what it means?
Elphaba: No.
Evanesce: You do?
Weirder: Yes. I know alot more than you think I do.
Evanesce: Obviously. What does it mean?
Weirder: My love.
Erik: You do know.
Elphaba: That's what it means?
Weirder: Evanesce, you okay?
(She's frozen in place with a smile on.)
Elphaba: Nope she's not.
Glinda: Great now she's frozen and...
Erik: Crhstine's a donkey!
Christine: No, I'm not!
Erik: Right, not yet!
Glinda: Stop you're scaring her.
Erik: I tend to do that.
Fiyero: TNT!
Evanesce: Yes you do.
Elphaba: What, Fiyero?
Fiyero: I'm dynamite!
Weirder: TNT!
Elphaba: Oh please.
Christine: Make it stop! Plea...pl...heehaw!
Erik: That will never get old.
Christine: Neither will you! (She runs at him and begins to hit him with her newly grown hooves.)
Evanesce: Hey! Backoff donkey-butt! (She hits her with wand.)
Fiyero: Hey! Hey! You! You!
Weirder: I don't like your girlfriend!
Fiyero: No way! No way!
Weirder: I think you need a new one.
Elphaba: Shut up!
Christine: Take this you...de...heehaw!
Evanesce: (hits her harder with the wand.) Donkey butt, get off!
Erik: Christine you forgot to hit MY FACE! (he takes off his mask and Christine screams while evanesce laughs.)
Fiyero: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
Weirder: Are you smarter than a piece of paper?
Elphaba: Oh please shut up.
Glinda: Stop using my wand!
Evanesce: Then I wouldn't have one!
Erik: Maybe if you hit my face I will have a normal one!
Elphaba: Doubt it!
Glinda: Now you've scared her!
Erik: That was the goal!
Evanesce: Now would be a good time to run off and find your scarecrow husband.
(So, Christine does run off to find her scarecrow husband.)
Erik: Yeah you better run!
Weirder: Yeah you...fart knocking turd monkey!
Erik: What?
Evanesce: Don't ask.
Fiyero: It's not easy being green...
Glinda: Won't you shut up!
Elphaba: Actually it's not so...maybe...kinda...sort of...no.
Weirder: It's not easy being rainbow, always having to wear stupid, retarded clothes.
Evanesce: Oh my god.
Weirder: Always having to follow...um.
Elphaba: What is she saying?
Fiyero: Singing actually. And it's a song about...
Erik: Fops.
Fiyero: Yes okay, sure.
Weirder: Mr. Burke. Always having to sing Michael Jackson and march in a parade.
Glinda: Oh.
Evanesce: Oh god.
Weirder: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Gregory: Oh please no.
Weirder: You're everything I would like to be.
Elphaba: I can't believe you don't shut up!
Erik: You're shattering the very fabric of time.
Weirder: I can fly higher than an eagle.
Glinda: It's not so bad.
Weirder and Fiyero: 'Cuz you are the wind beneath my wings.
Erik: And now?
Elphaba: Now it's worse!
Weirder: Lean on me! When you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll...
Fiyero: Help you carry on!
Evanesce: For it won't be long 'till I'm gonna need somebody to...
Alex: Shoot me.
Erik: Gladly.
Weirder: Those are not the words!
Fiyero: What are the words?
Glinda: To what?
Elphaba: The song, Glinda, the song.
Erik: Finish the song!
Evanesce: Lean on! Just call on me brother when you need a hand.
Weirder: We all need somebody to...
Fiyero: Lean on...
Elphaba: I just might have a problem...
Alex: We know that.
Glinda: That you'd understand.
Erik: We all need somebody to...
Evanesce: Lean on!
Weirder: Ready?
Alex: For what?
Weirder: Somewhere over the...
All: No!
Weirder: All right jeez. Let there be peace on earth...
Elphaba: Why?
Weirder: And let it begin with me.
Elphaba:Why you?
Weirder: Let there be peace on earth...
Elphaba: Yes, but why?
Weirder: The peace that was meant to be.
Elphaba: Since when?
Weirder: Wiht god as our father.
Elphaba: I would love for him to be my father. Can we swap?
Weirder: Brothers all are we.
Glinda: Ewww, Boq is my brother?
Weirder: Let me walk with my brother.
Elphaba: Go ahead.
Weirder: In perfect harmony.
Elphaba: Good luck with that.
Weirder: Let peace begin with me.
Elphaba: Why?
Weirder: Let this be the moment now.
Fiyero: The moment was 5 minutes ago.
Weirder: With every step I take let this be my solemn vow.
Fiyero: I have vows!
Glinda: To who?
Elphaba: Me!
Weirder: To take each moment and live each moment in peace eternally.
Elphaba: In your dreams.
Weirder: Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.
Elphaba: Who are you?
Erik: That. Was. Stupid.
Evanesce: Extremely.
Weirder: Fine then you sing a song.
Evanesce: Fine then strike up the organ.
Erik: What?
Evanesce: Do it!
Erik: Yeah if I had an organ.
(Evanesce waves the wand and an organ appears.)
Evanesce: No problem now.
Erik: True.
Evanesce: I was joking though.
Alex: Let's go to a commercial.
Evanesce: No!
Erik: Why?
Alex: I said so!
Alex: Commercial now!
Weirder: Thank you for watching this new musical called...
Alex: Stupid beyond belief.
Fiyero That's too long. Tales About Nothing!