She was always so courageous and unbending. To see her walls broken down was..unimaginable.
Mikasa strutted through the cadets' division without a care for others. Her eyebrows were furrowed, jaw set, fists at sides. Her embarrassment and irritation hybridized to create an indistinguishable flurry of emotions.
Behind her, tumbling through a mess of limbs and bodies of fellow scouts, Armin repeatedly cried her name. He was desperate to make her halt.
"M-Mikasa! Hold on!" Armin scurried after Mikasa. He dodged to avoid contact with other squad members, keeping a sharp eye on her, straining himself to meet her speeded walk. "Y-you're going too fast!"
Mikasa hastened her already brisk pace. Blurred faces of her peers buzzed past her and Armin's shouts furthered. All but barreling down the crowded hall to her room, she did not once slow herself.
She couldn't bring herself to face Armin; he would just be a reminder of the linked friendship the three shared. Eventually she would speak freely to him, maybe he could even assist her through her troubled feelings, but for now his innocently wide cerulean eyes would bare too much of a heartache. They held too many memories which contained him.
Why was it so hard to move on..He would have scolded her for lingering on the past. She couldn't alter the outcome and what had occurred, yet the blame fell so heavily upon her shoulders. The sky's burden couldn't have been worse a torment than remembering his radiant face.
Their voices, the questioning voices of her comrades, were buzzes in the background. Annoying, little undetectable buzzes, like that of a static screen. They muddled together. Their cheerful faces were smearing, becoming one, as they took no notice of her. They couldn't be aware of the hardship she felt, concerned only with their own safety and ailing matters. Words overlapped words, conversations were drowned out by others, and laughs were blanched into empty reverberations. So loud, couldn't they just let her have a moment of peace?
Mikasa turned into her room. She locked the door behind her and balanced her head on the grainy wood. Just a moment's rest, it was all she asked for. If no one was to interrupt her until the dawn, she would be perfectly fine. Peace and tranquil silence, was it too much to ask.
She was too far gone already. Was this how it felt like? Were fatigue and desire to be detached symptoms of—of what? What ailments had symptoms?
Not even her thoughts were focused directly on one topic. Her brain was fried, frizzled and chaotic, but at the same time immobilized. They moved painstakingly slow, the time for her to understand things lengthened. She couldn't grasp what anyone had said to her. Not Erwin when he gave condolences for her loss, not Connie and Sasha as they gave their sincere apologies, not Armin and his calls, and not him. The lance corporal.
Levi.
She, a soldier of the highest caliber, had shown weakness to him. He'd seen her shedding tears like a pathetic girl who'd just found her puppy-love crush was with another. Or some person she idolized had become sick. Or her dog had been put down. They were all relevant to Eren if she thought hard enough. He was her puppy-love, infatuation of a crush; he was the boy she idolized since their first encounter; and he was her scruffy pet dog. The animal she reprimanded often, if only to benefit him.
Mikasa turned her back to the door. The wood was cold and dead under her fingers, like him. Her raven hair swayed to screen a glazed, emotionless expression.
She pushed off the door and ambled to her bed. Outside, the storm raged on. The vociferous flapping and crashing of wood sounded as unlatched windows were left unattended. Rain beat on the roof in a incessant batting rhythm.
"Close your eyes and travel to a distant place." The words Armin said often as a child rose to her lips. Naturally airy, poetic, they met her wars as a delicate command. "Lose yourself in your imagination.."
"..And just picture what it'd be like out there!"
Armin waved his arms out before him, indicating a land far from their caged life.
The trio was seated comfortably on the warmed bricks of a paved street. They basked in the summer's golden rays, the opened windows of shops and homes hoping to entice any wind. Contentment coated their rounded faces, a youthful glow dusting their pink tinged skin. Their hair was unkempt and rustling with the dry air's general direction. So far the summer was uneventful, even by Shinganshina District's standards. Everything fell rather bland and boring.
Armin seemed to have known the remedy for their lethargic selves. He had unsheathed his trusty book of the outer world, reciting the words Mikasa and Eren knew well. He only said them whenever the outside was mentioned. Call him rambunctious, but the two others would hate to dampen his lively spirits.
"That's great, Armin," Eren commented, seemingly uncaring. He wasn't apathetic to the outside, but the want to become a soldier overshadowed it. Joining the Recon Corps was his top priority. "But keep your voice down! We're still outside and someone could hear you."
"I know! I just can't contain myself." Armin sheepishly smiled, a blush creeping up his neck. "Don't you find it exciting? You do, right Mikasa?"
Mikasa nodded. "Yes, but the outside world is perilous. We could easily die."
"Not unless we take care of all the Titans! Then, when we do, we can walk around without being afraid!" Eren curled his fingers into what he believed to be a menacing fist.
Armin flipped through crinkled yellow pages of the tome. He came upon a page with a beast of some sort, stopped, and pressed a fear to its wide maul. "Actually, Eren, there are more animals out there. Though none are more threatening than Titans, some are carnivorous and could easily devour a human being!"
"Armin. Don't you think if humanity's strong enough to bring a league of Titans to their knees, we can handle a few cats?"
Eren set his fists on the pavement. He examined the page with intense green eyes and burrowed his brows in concentration. "It hardly looks bigger than a house cat! I could totally take it with one arm!"
Mikasa had shuffled closer to get a better look. Her unemotional stare was unwavering. "Eren, it's bigger than you, Armin, and I combined. You would be its dinner before you knew it."
"Wha—!? Mikasa! As if! I would wear its teeth around my neck as a necklace! You don't think I'd be eaten, right?"
"Mm." With her around, Eren would definitely not be eaten. But with her gone, she could assure him he would be a pile of scraped clean bones in no time.
The outside world. Armin had made it sound beautiful when they were confined to the walls. The hills of rolling grass and promise of a salty sea made it appear as the promise land. Outside the walls, they could roam wherever and be free, under the command of no one but themselves. They could have a glorious life, the three of them, along with Grisha and Carla. They could all be happy.
What a deceitfully cunning lie that was.
Mikasa knew from her earliest years that humanity would never be relieved of their omission. It was wishful thinking. Humanity was forever doomed to be trapped within a cage of their own making. As long as the Titans walked the earth, they would never find freedom. Eren had been a fool for thinking such an outrageous achievement was plausible.
A courageous, stupid fool, who had successfully left his imprint behind.
If he had a head on his shoulders, or if I had been quicker, this wouldn't have—
Mikasa jolted from her stupor. An abrupt knock with obvious force rattled the door. The ravenette disregarded it, tentatively reclining back on the pancake thin mattress.
"Ackerman," someone's muffled voice said, "what bad manners you have. Have we taught you to be as rude as letting a soldier or commander's knock go unanswered?"
Mikasa complacently laid her palms on her abdomen, exhaling through her nostrils.
"Ackerman," it warned her. "If you don't answer right this moment, you better fucking believe that you're on kitchen duty for the next two months."
Kitchen duty was a pain. Half of the cadets seemed to have been raised on farms, and adopted the habit of eating like animals. It'd be a nightmare to be drowned in a porcelain sea, so with an aggravated huff, Mikasa lifted her torso from the bed. Her legs following, she sluggishly went to the door.
"Who is this?"
"Who else would it be? Shitty glasses? Erwin? Arlet?"
She brandished a sour scowl. "Lance Corporal Levi?" she questioned, genuine wariness lacing his name.
"No," Levi sneered, "it's Eren."
The soldier backtracked, stunned at Levi's idea of a joke. His bearing was brusque towards any mobile thing, but she would have imagined that beneath his fraud, he had the smallest ounce of compassion.
"Excuse me?" blubbered Mikasa, a hard tisk being her returned answer. Her fingers tightened around the lukewarm doorknob, clenching as her confusion was swapped with loathing.
"I said open the door, least I kick it down and you're stuck without privacy for the rest of your time here."
Mikasa's lips curl back disdainfully and she opened the door, anything but amiable. Her stare, accustomed from being perfectly vertical or angled upwards, descended downwards, aimed at a man no taller than her shoulder. Sometimes it's so downgrading taking orders from a pipsqueak half her height. Raising her fist to her chest in a mandatory salute, a sign of her respect, she bowed. "Corporal Levi, sir."
"About time, Ackerman. Five more seconds and you would be picking up splinters right now."
"..Apologies, sir, I have a lot on my mind. I can't seem to focus right now." Thumbing her timeworn scarf, Mikasa's apology fell inaudibly. "I promise not to make you wait next time."
Levi, appeased with that, perched a fist on his hip. "Very well then. So are you just going to fucking stand there, or are you going to move aside?"
"Sir?" Mikasa questioned inquiringly.
"You don't think I saw you crying out there?" Levi sneered, a hint of chastisement layering 'crying.' "Idiot, if you're going to bawl the least you can do is confine yourself in privacy."
"Sir, I.."
"You can drop the sir for now. And move aside; it's an order. God Ackerman, pull your shit together, stop being so snively, and listen to me."
With that, the shorter man shouldered past her. Annoyance was evidently playing on his hardened features, but towards what? The room was impeccably clean, she herself had peeled off her soiled jacket, and she most certainly had sustained her estimation. As he turned, however, that ever-present look of apathy told nothing. No emotions stirred within his piercing grey gaze, his thinned lips formed an impenetrable line, and only his eyebrows were contorted to show agitation. The only emotion he ever did reveal.
There was a single dresser in the room, which she shared with Sasha and her belongings. It was rickety, splinters of paint and wood peeling up, with a coffee coloured paint job. Atop it were trashy trinkets, those of which belonged more in a scrap pile than as decoration. A ball of wire, a rumpled paper, calligraphy scrawled hastily into its yellowing surface, and a partially eaten loaf. These were presumably Sasha's things. He absentmindedly scanned the drawer top for any items that screamed Mikasa; nothing stood out.
It struck him as peculiar. She had no possession or indication that she'd ever lived a life outside the Survey Corps, which wasn't true. Eren had told him about their times before the outer wall's falling, their times as carefree children. Surely Mikasa would have some type of memorabilia to recall her younger days, but so far, he hadn't found anything. It was possible that when the trio had left the wall, they hadn't had property, but that wouldn't explain why..
That was a question for another time. Mikasa straightened to her full height, Levi's shimmering glare scrutinizing her.
She wasn't afraid of the shorter man, more like intimidated. His neutral stare irritated her, as if he expected her to make the first move.
Levi cleared his throat, drawing her attention to where it'd left to the door. Outside a group of soldiers had decided to become riled, due to the storm. "When I lost my squad," he instantly delved into the topic, leaving Mikasa stunned at his abrupt approach, "it was difficult."
Mikasa held her silence.
"Before I had four elite soldiers I trusted with my life," he continued as if not noticing her. "But ensuing the incident with the Female Titan, I was left with one temperamental, reckless, danger prone monster.
"It took some time to grow accustomed to their absent, but time goes on. People come, people go, and it's the circle of life. Not even Eren with his power could live forever."
Mikasa tried comprehending how this was relatable to her position. Yes, she had seen the four fallen soldiers on her way to retrieve Eren, and yes it had stricken a chord in her heart, caused the pulsing anger within her heat to unbearable fury, but she couldn't see how that..Unless he was trying to explain that he and she were the same. Levi had been in the same position as her once, having lost those he cared for most, and he had overcome it. They could be the same in that, but they couldn't be the same in how the death toll affected them.
Levi was reserved and he hid his emotions with little effort needed on his part. She was similar, save for when these emotions stirred so strongly and created a tumult which raged inside her. The only release from these emotions came from opening her mouth, closing her eyes, and permitting the grief to consume her. She was only human, and humans were supposed to feel pain. They were supposed to hurt. They weren't supposed to be chiseled of stone, the cavities where feelings were meant to lurk vacant. Levi was a cold, hallow, shell of a heroic legend. No one could phase him, so he never sustained these pains. If Mikasa let no one near her, if she bottled up her emotions and capsuled them beneath herself, she wouldn't be human. Frankly, she didn't think Levi was anything remotely close to human.
Respectively, Mikasa spoke using a tone of objection. "Sir—Corporal Levi, I don't understand."
"What I'm saying is Eren's death was expected. In this field, Erwin does well to keep you all oblivious." Repulsed, Levi swept Sasha's molding loaf into the nearby trash, uncaring to any sentiment it might have held. "He encourages you into believing that you'll all return home safely. Tell me, Ackerman, how much do you believe that?"
"Do I believe that we'll all make it back to the inner walls?"
"Yes. The percentage, and be honest."
Mikasa looked to the floorboards. She calculated the average amount of causalities the league endured after each Titan encounter. That rounded and multiplied by the sporadic encounters, subtracted by the entire league..Armin was gifted with his brains, but she was decent in arithmetic, too. The numbers steadily became clearer. And they weren't very good.
The young woman solemnly answered after her calculations were made. "If I'm correct, a meagre twenty percent will make it out. Alive."
"That's a good estimation, but if you would like to hear my numbers—" Levi crossed his right leg behinds his left. He slouched, disdain coating his answer. "—I would say that none of us will survive. We'll all die fighting, trying to vanquish these fuckers but failing nonetheless."
Undergoing a brief quietness, Mikasa couldn't believe how pessimistic Levi was being. Humanity's Strongest was nonchalantly admitting his belief that they held no chance against a foe like the Titans. Eren's hero wasn't as amazing as he was tricked to believe, she thought.
"Eren died a worthy cause, but I'll be the first to say that it came without reason. Through this survey of the outer lands, we not only lost a handful of soldiers and Eren, but we gained no helpful insight of the Titans whatsoever. This could have been avoided."
The bluntness hit her like a bullet. Eren's death could have been evitable? This was like any other trip of the land, but with more fatal consequences? Mikasa felt her heart lurch forward, a lump coming to rest in her esophagus.
"You're saying that this trip wasn't even necessary? We didn't have some important mission to complete?" She choked up, using her elbow to cough into. No tears, not when Humanity's Strongest was looking. However, she wouldn't deny the bubbling churning in her stomach. "Then why did we..?"
Levi shrugged. "Erwin thought we could gather some more clues as to the whereabouts of the Titan's hideout. Hanji wanted to obtain a new specimen, but things didn't go as planned." Mikasa thought she could hear a muttered 'we fucked up,' and imaginary or not, it hurt.
Pulling at her hair, the ravenette rose her tone an octave. "Then why did we..?! If you're saying that all of this could be avoided, why is Eren gone!? Why isn't he in the dining hall, eating and laughing?!"
"Oi, stand down. Do not raise your voice at your superior." If possible, Levi's glare became more deathly. Ominous. Threatening. "Tch, I can see that the brat isn't the only passionate one."
"Wasn't. It's past tense."
"So you're going to make a point of Eren being deceased now? It's only hurting you."
The thunder outside rolled, the structure shuddering violently. The candles on the walls flickered in an unspoken threat to extinguish. Mikasa didn't care, she was too preoccupied with eyeing the man before her.
Her lip curled back and she bared her teeth. "Corporal Levi, if I can so rudely state one thing, it would be that you are an insensitive copy of a human. A human would feel and offer comfort, but you're acting like you didn't even know Eren."
"I can't say I was ever his friend, I considered more as a dog. A pet. And when a pet passes on, do you linger on their dead corpse, or move on with life?"
"You're terrible! Utterly horrible!" accused Mikasa. "You don't deserve to be called a human."
Levi was unfazed. "You don't think I'm human? And what of the boy who could transform into mankind's enemy. Was he human?"
Her bottom lip quivered, from hatred than remorse. How he spoke of Eren was disrespectful, it offended her to even listen to him. He spoke like he personally knew Eren how she did. Mikasa advanced with a menacing step. "He could feel. He loved Armin and I, he could feel hatred towards the Titans, he felt sadness when Carla was eaten, and you don't believe that he was human? You think it was his choice to be that thing?"
"Stand down. That's an order. If you don't listen, you're going to fucking regret it."
Although Mikasa had no intention of defiling a direct order, she would love to have wrapped her hands around his neck. She needed someone to vent out her frustration on, and Levi was provoking her to do so. This was a sick game for his sadistic mind. Come into her room, offend her with reminders of Eren, and then watch as she was unable to do a thing. The sight of his grey orbs, hollow and impassive, was a taunting sight. She had to unrelentingly think of the aftermath of assaulting her officer and how badly she'd be punished to make the anger wane.
"Well?" Her humid breath rasped out the single word in desperation. Her slim fingers came to stroke the crimson scarf, a nostalgic sense spreading from her fingertips to her chest. She was successfully calm, for the moment. "Do you think he was human? You know you were his hero, please say something to indicate that you at least acknowledge him. Just acknowledge Eren after his passing."
Her heart dropped at his next words. The fury returned with full intensity, a roaring inferno erupting in her chest. Her fingers stopped tracing the scarf as she stared expectantly. Levi took his time to speak, and when he did collect his scattered thoughts he said:
"He was just another shitty brat," cold steel grey clashed with fierce brown, "you need to get over it. We lose people every day, and it's a shame considering Eren gave us an advantage, but—"
"Be quiet."
"Excuse me?"
"I said to be quiet." Mikasa's form was shuddering, angry tears squeezing from her eyes to burn watery streaks on her skin as they fell to the floorboards. "I always knew that Eren was admiring a fraud, but he was too deep in his awe to admit it. You're a hardhearted, cynical man, and I won't find guilt in saying that I'm glad Eren died before he could model himself after you. I wouldn't want to live a world where Eren is an exact copy of you. You are disgraceful," she spat.
She growled, thoroughly flustered. One swing at him wouldn't hurt, and cleaning the horse stalls for the year's remainder would be worth aiming a punch at his indifferent face. If she could just spite some emotion from him, to prove he was human, to prove she wasn't alone when caring about Eren.
"It's sickening, how you talk about him." Mikasa had collected herself, utilizing her monotonous air to match Levi's. "And it's even more sickening that you fooled him into thinking you were a role model. Because you know what?.."
"Watch your mouth before I assign you the next months' worth of dish duties," Levi cautioned, tired of the rare backtalk. "You're becoming too cocky for your own good, Acker—"
Leaves caught in the unpredictable wind slammed against the window, water splattering it in a continuous downpour. The shadows of trees were barely indistinguishable from the water-logged sky. They melted into the background, creating an endless stretch of black. The wind rammed into the structure once again as Mikasa opened her mouth for a final question, accusation, and declaration.
"How could you talk about him like he was only a weapon!" Mikasa interrupted without consent. "He wasn't only another person! He was my family, you heartless monster! I lost my family!"
God, late update. Sorry! But I'm actually going to work on this story more, since it seems somewhat popular (by my standards at least, which are relatively low). I swear I'll get an update up soon...And I also swear that this will get more interesting, the beginning is just a bit slow. So stick around!