Let's Get Married!
Chapter 2: Drinking Problems
Lately, Xanxus had begun to notice some strange things going on in his beautiful wine cellar. For instance, where did that bottle of Henri Jayer Les Brulees from France he had saved for special ocassions disappear to? And why was half of his 1800 Coleccion Tequilla collection gone and replaced with cheap wheat beer instead? How did one even manage to sneak in and out of the room without even breaching the security system?
Whatever the case, Xanxus had enough. He was going to catch this alcohol thief once and for all.
The first time Xanxus ever found traces of the robber was when he found the doorknob on the cellar door glistening slightly with the oil of hand cream. The dark-haired man slowly lowered his face towards the doorknob and gave it a sniff. As he inhaled the air, he caught a faint hint of sweet shea butter.
Xanxus frowned. First of all because he was confused that he actually knew what shea butter handcream smells like, and second of all he knew exactly who used that kind of cream.
"Gay freak." Xanxus snarled, his hands already reaching for the notorious X-guns on his leather belt.
The halls of the Varia Headquarters echoed with bloody screams and loud gunshots for the next few hours.
Xanxus was pissed off. He thought that he had caught the blasted thief trash when he sent Lussuria to the infirmary. But there it was again, empty bottles of premium wine rolling on the wooden floor and some of them were only half empty. The fucking thief trash was letting perfectly good wine to waste. For the record, Xanxus HATED it when people showed no respect for alcohol. If you started it, you end it. Which was incredibly hypocritical coming from a man who wasted at least a whole crate of wine every day by throwing it at his second-in-command, but nonetheless Xanxus was seriously pissed.
It was then when he discovered a tiny smudge of crimson lipstick on the mouth of one of the bottles. Just a miniscule speck which would have gone unnoticed to the eyes of many. But not Xanxus. Never underestimate the eyes of an alcoholic.
After closely inspecting the tiny red dot, he (again) whipped out his guns and stormed out the door. But after a few steps, he stopped. Xanxus's lips curled upwards in a not-so-nice looking way. He was going to teach that alcohol thief a lesson the trash would never forget.
A couple of days ago, Karmen was in a horrible mood. Ever since Xanxus had taken away her rights to her personal wine cellar she craved alcohol. The evil mafia boss even ordered Lussuria and the staff in the kitchen to never under any circumstances give the girl absolutely any kind of alcohol. He said he had enough of her and her drunken nonsense, being the bad drunk she was. So Karmen was officially alcohol-grounded.
Unfortunately, that order had led to the multiple bloody deaths of the chefs and servants, but Xanxus didn't care about that, did he? After a couple of days Karmen's cravings had intensified so much that she had even thought about raiding the infirmary and drink straight out of the bottle of sterilized alcohol which was used to treat wounds.
But then she had a better idea. Why not just raid boss's own storage of alcohol? It was an absolutely brilliant idea, and Karmen skipped all the way to the door of the cellar. When she found that it was locked and it needed a four-numbered password she broke into a series of unintelligent mutters and curses, kicking madly at the poor door whose name actually rhymed.
It was then when the Poor Door spoke to her.
"Hey, hey Karmen! Hey! Hey!"
Oddly enough, it kind of sounded like a certain annoying fruit she had seen on YouTube... but she decided to forget it.
"Just tell me the shitty password already or I'll blow you off of your sissy-baby hinges." Karmen growled, feeling a migraine coming her way.
"Sure. The password is... FUCK YOU BITCH YOU JUST KICKED MY PRIVATE PARTS DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I'D GIVE THE STUPID PASSWORD TO YOU HAHAHAHAHA YES DOORS HAVE PRIVATE PARTS TOO YOU KNOW AND TECHNICALLY I DON'T EVEN HAVE HINGES HAHAHA NOW GET LOST!" The Poor Door screamed at her and Karmen angrily kicked the door yet again with her studded army boots.
"Aieeeeeeeee..."
The Poor Door's wailed in pain, and its sound grew softer and softer until there was silence in the hallway once again. Karmen sighed. Talking doors. What the fuck. The alcohol deprivation was really getting to her, she thought. She paced up and down the corridor with anxiety, biting her lip. What could the password possibly be?
Then being the self-centered person she always was, she promptly entered the four digits of her birthday. Beep. Blorp. Beep. Bleep. And magically, the door let out a soft klink and slid open. Karmen smiled widely like Bel always did, and did a mental happy dance inside her head before she immediately started chugging down bottles of liquor with terrifying speed.
A couple of days later in the present, Karmen was in a wonderful mood. She danced all the way to Xanxus's chamber of wonders. She had a newfound taste for scotch, and was going through a wild drinking frenzy. This time she had actually dragged an icebox down with her, so she could enjoy her drinks cold. The alcohol-deprived mafioso was so caught up in booze-land that she never noticed the door behind her slide shut with a soft klink. She never noticed the barrel of a familiar gun aimed directly at the back of her head as well.
What she did notice; was the sound of a trigger being pulled.
click
And everything turned dark.
Just kidding.
Karmen did notice the door shut behind her. She did notice a barrel of a familiar gun aimed right at her head, and she did notice the trigger being pulled back. So she did what every mafia man or woman did when they were being targeted. Grab the arm of the assassin that was holding the gun, twist it, unarm the assassin, take the gun for yourself, slam the assassin's face into a wall or any kind of hard surface, then kill them. Easy as pie.
Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well when the guy shoving a gun at your face was Xanxus. Not to mention when your opponent is nearly a foot taller than you. Then you're screwed. Defense-against-dark-mafia-attacks class dismissed.
A bullet whizzed past Karmen's ear; missing by less than a tenth of an inch. The first thought that came into her mind was to hide under the table. And so she did. That was a huge mistake.
Xanxus kicked over the wooden table which Karmen was hiding underneath rather easily, grabbed her by her under-ear length hair, and slowly pulled her up so that he could actually see her face instead of the top of her head.
"I feel deja vu right now." Karmen commented as she was lifted up into the air. Xanxus glared at her.
"Trash. What. The fuck. Were you doing. In. My. Wine cellar." He slowly said through clenched teeth. Karmen could see he was trying hard not to use that gun in his other hand. She had to make a smart move. Millions of tiny little thoughts raced through her head as she thought about the possibilities until finally she gave up.
"I wanted booze. So I got it." She shrugged as if it were no big deal. Xanxus's eyes narrowed. He dropped the drunk trash that let out a small 'oof' as she hit the floor. How in the world did she figure out the password? He wondered briefly, then looked down at Karmen who was trying to find another place to hide. Their eyes met, and she froze.
"Trash. When I banned you from alcohol, and that was a direct order. When I give you orders, you follow them. First you disobey me, then you break into my private property. What do I look like, the fucking Giving Tree?" Xanxus growled. Karmen gave him a dark look.
"I wouldn't have sneaked into your stupid wine cellar if you had just let me have all the drinks I wanted you retard! Why did you give me a no-alcohol order in the first place?" Karmen snapped. Xanxus lost his temper.
"Because alcoholic pregnancy is harmful, you fucking scum!" He snarled and began to shoot his gun.
"Wait, what?" Bewildered and still trying to let the Xanxus's words sink in, Karmen tried her best to dodge all of the attacks that came from the outraged Varia boss.
"Wait, Xanxus, XANXUS!" Karmen screamed as she tripped over one of the disheveled bottles of wine and toppled to the floor. She was sure she was going to die then, and she covered her head with her arms as a last attempt to change her death into something less-serious; a coma maybe. The gunshots stopped abruptly. Karmen slowly opened her eyes to find Xanxus towering over her, his fiery eyes filled with rage.
"Why would you be worried about alcoholic pregnancy? I'm not even pregnant." Karmen said as she let out a shaky laugh.
"You will be."
"Huh?"
"In the future."
Karmen burst out laughing.
"That's silly, Xanxus. I'm not going to have kids! Babies are cute, but they're smelly, sticky, and cry all day. Why would I even want one?" Karmen laughed at the thought of her having children. She would probably poison them to death with her terrible cooking before they even reached age five, she noted, grimacing as she remembered the last time she spent a day in the kitchen with Lussuria.
Karmen snapped out of her thoughts, and for a moment found it weird that the room was oddly quiet. She looked up towards Xanxus and found his expression unreadable. Wait, was it her or did Xanxus actually look... disapointed?
"There a problem, honeybunches?" Karmen asked casually. Xanxus gave Karmen a deathly glare that made her flinch. For a split second she thought she was going to get killed. But to her surprise Xanxus simply turned his back on her and angrily stormed out the wine cellar, leaving Karmen just sitting on the floor with a dumbfounded expression.
"The fuck?" She wondered shortly after she heard bloodcurling screams of Squalo and deafening explosions that could be heard a mile away.
For the rest of the day, Xanxus was seriously pissed off and nobody even knew why.
End of Chapter 2. Thank you for reading my fanfic! Please review if you have the time. :D