Part One

He had not seen her for nearly six months. He heard stories of her from those in the clinic, rumors of the darling of the Templars, the vigilante of the common folks, keeping them safe from the blood mages and demons.

No offense to him, of course.

Anders worried about her but he did as she asked. He stayed away.

Until that winter's night.

It was quiet in the clinic. He was cleaning through the inventory, shuffling to keep warm. He didn't dare start a fire in case of being detected or worse, setting his valuable equipment aflame. He tried to remind himself of the colder nights in Amaranthine, but it did little to warm him.

He heard a knock at the door and he went, confused. Most of his patients simply barged in. He opened the door, looking down to see Bodahn standing before him, wringing his hands.

"Are you alright?" Anders asked.

"Good, you are home," Bodahn said, looking around uncomfortably, "This Darktown is no place for a respectable dwarf. All sorts of shady business happening in corners. I'm glad I didn't bring the boy along. Ah, Mr. Anders, might I borrow you for a moment?"

Anders chuckled tiredly, "Come on in. What seems to be the problem?"

"It's not me, Serah," Bodahn said, rubbing his arms as he came in, "It's my mistress."

Anders' heart skipped a beat, "Is she alright? Is she ill?"

"She's had some misfortune in the family," Bodahn said sadly, "Mistress Leandra has...has passed away, quite unexpectedly. She's taking it quite poorly."

Anders hesitated and said, "Perhaps you should go to the Chantry. I'm sure she would find solace in the Maker at this time. Brother Sebastian would be better suited in this time."

"Mr. Anders, begging your pardon," Bodahn whispered, "I know you and my Mistress are...involved. She misses you greatly. I know it would mean the world to her if you came to see her. If you come tonight, I will keep the back light on. Please, Serah. I worry about her so."

Anders said nothing as he left, fearfully looking around the street. He ran his hand through his hair, the memory of her touch still fresh.

He wrapped himself in his coat and went after him.

oOoOoOo

Anders felt foolish as he climbed the steps to her room. He knew he hadn't been seen; there was nothing to fear. Yet he still feared she would cast him from her sight, even now.

Perhaps especially now.

He saw her from the door, her head in her hands as she sat at the edge of the bed. She had never looked so small to him.

She looked up, as if sensing him. He froze, not knowing what to do. She stood, walking to his side before falling into his arms. He held her, holding the back of her head as she started to sob.

"It's okay, love," he murmured, "It's okay."

She kissed him hard, pulling him to her in desperation.

With tears in her eyes she whispered, "I need you. Maker, Anders, I missed you so much. I can't stop thinking about you...about this..."

Anders kissed her, sloppily pulling at her clothes as they came together. He was barely half undressed before they reached the floor, sliding inside of her with need. He paused, saw her nod, and pushed, holding her to him. He thrust deeply, need and desire overriding anything else but the necessity to please her.

She pulled off his shirt as she pushed up, rocking on top of him. He cradled her, letting her ride him, his mouth kissing each breast, his hands on her ass.

"I love you," he whispered between kisses, "I love you so much."

She moaned, panting as she worked, her body quivering around him. He found himself jutting forward suddenly, his orgasm taking over. She touched herself as he thrust, spurting inside of her. He stayed inside of her, holding her, kissing and suckling her breasts until she came, crying out.

He cradled her head, kissing her deeply. He held her in front of the fire, pulling the blanket off the bed and wrapping it around them.

"I want you to stay tonight," she whispered.

He rested his forehead against hers and asked, "Are you sure?"

"I've missed you so much," she murmured, kissing his nose.

"Things haven't changed," he reminded gently.

"We'll be careful," she promised, "But I can't stay away from you. I need you."

He cupped her chin, pulling her towards him in a kiss.

Before their lips met, he whispered, "Okay."

oOoOoOo

Anders woke to the sounds of the birds singing. He smiled, hearing the first sounds of spring. It was not quite what he was used to waking up in Darktown. Instead of the sounds of the children chasing each other with sticks and drug dealers pedaling their wares, he heard nature slowly waken from the winter.

And the soft breathing of the woman he loved.

He smiled as he looked over Hawke, curled in the blankets, a concentrated look on her face, even in dreams. He knew that he should leave, if it was dawn already, then it would be more dangerous sneaking home.

But he always had trouble leaving her. It grew harder and harder, returning to his cold clinic, knowing it may be days even weeks before he saw her again. It was nearly a month this time and he had yearned for her every day. He had needed no encouragement to fall into bed with her when she called for him.

She stirred, looking over at him with a tired smile.

"Hi you," she murmured, then noticed the window.

"Shit," she cursed, "You got to get out of here."

"You throw me out of here much more and I'm going to start taking it personally," he teased.

"Knight Captain Cullen is coming over today," she hissed, "You need to get out of here."

Anders paled slightly, "Why here?"

"It doesn't matter," she whispered, "You can't be here."

They turned, hearing the knock on the door.

"Mistress Hawke? The Knight Captain is here to see you."

"Shit shit shit," Hawke muttered.

"I'll hide in library," Anders said, "There's not a lot of windows in there. I'll sneak out the back once he's settled."

"What if someone sees you?"

"I'm sure the gossips will be more interested in who came in your front door," he reminded.

"Go," she said, "I need to get dressed. Quickly."

Anders snuck down the stairs and into the library, locking the door behind him. He leaned against the door, hearing as Bodahn let the Commander in. Anders kneeled down, looking through the keyhole at the man awkwardly waiting in his civilian clothing.

He heard Hawke first, the laugh she reserved only for those she was trying to impress. He saw her in a modest blue dress, her hair pinned back.

"You look well, Serah," Cullen said cheerfully, "Your manservant told me you were rather ill these past few days."

"I'm much better now, thank you," Hawke beamed at him, offering her arm, "Shall we go? I have missed our morning strolls together."

Cullen blushed, "I am only escorting a lady to the Chantry. It is my duty."

"Oh but your company is such a delight," she flirted, kissing him on the cheek.

He blushed deeper, smiling as he escorted her out of the room.

Anders leaned against the door. He knew better than to be jealous. What was a kiss on the cheek compared to everything that they had felt together, everything they shared. She was doing what was best. The Knight Captain was not a bad man and he treated her kindly.

But he still couldn't shake the feeling that there was more that she wasn't telling him.

oOoOoOo

It was not often he visited consecutive nights, but his imagination was getting the better of him. He snuck in through the kitchen, stealthily as he could. He could hear her upstairs, talking with the mabari.

He chuckled to himself at the thought until he heard her voice through the floor.

"Puppy, don't look at me like that. You think I like this? Come on now. We're supposed to be on the same team, you and I."

The mabari barked, leaving the room to greet Anders. He patted the dog, seeing Hawke reach the top of the stairs.

"What are you doing here?" She asked in surprise.

"I think we need to talk," he said quietly.

She hesitated and beckoned him to follow her upstairs, closing the curtains on the windows ahead of her.

He met her in the bedroom as she lit a few candles, illuminating the room. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him in shame.

"What's going on?" He asked fearfully.

"I wanted to tell you before," she whispered, "I don't want to keep any secrets from you. Not now, not ever. But I couldn't see you. There was so much attention on me. You don't understand."

He sat beside her and said, "Just tell me, love."

Hawke looked away from him and said, "I slept with him. About three days ago. I have to keep this up for at least a little while longer, but ideally, I have to keep going with this now."

"Why?" Anders asked accusingly, "Why? Was it not enough to flirt and tease? You had to go and...and...why him? You could have chosen anyone to divert attention, but why him?"

"Because he looked the most like you," she said softly.

He frowned, "I don't understand."

She looked back at him, an odd smile on her face as she said, "It's okay, Anders. We're going to be okay. I...Maker, I wish I could have talked to you, but there were always eyes on me. I just-I just couldn't tell you-I couldn't risk them finding you."

Anders froze, the truth dawning on him slowly.

"My God," he whispered, tears rolling down his face, "You're pregnant."

She bit her lip, nodding.

He kissed her, holding her to him.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured, "They always told me it was impossible. If I had thought there was even a chance, then I would have...baby, baby, you don't have to do this, there are things you can do..."

"I thought of that," she admitted, "But I...I don't want to. I want this. I want this so badly. But I can't be that selfish. I needed to protect you and to protect this little life. Cullen is not a bad man. It won't look good that I got pregnant out of wedlock, but he is influential. People will be understanding, maybe even a little pleased. I just...I don't know what else to do, Anders...it's done. I should have talked to you, but I was just so afraid..."

"I can't take care of you," he admitted, "Oh love...I wish I could twirl you around the room and kiss your belly and...I wish I could marry you. Big round pregnant you with everyone we know and everyone would be so happy for us. I wish...oh Maker, this is all my fault."

"It's just something that happened," she said gently, "This is no one's fault."

He sighed, "So what happens now?"

She did not reply.

"You've decided then?" He laughed darkly, "You get the baby and have your nice little fantasy life and its over between the two of us? Just a nice little roll in the hay before you settle down with Ser Templar. You're carrying a mage's child, an apostate's child, and you're going to marry him? What happens when they have magic, what will you do then, will you still feign innocence then? Will you turn your child into the circle yourself?"

He flinched as she slapped him across the face, his skin burning at the touch.

"Get out of my home," she demanded, "I don't want to see you. Get out."

He obeyed, walking out into the night. He had made it only a few steps before he was overwhelmed with regret. He turned to go back, but stopped. There was nothing he could say to change the situation. Perhaps it was easier for them both if she actually hated him. Then she wouldn't have to pretend anymore.

oOoOoOo

He could not help himself. He found himself lurking in the upper levels of the Chantry, watching as Hawke shared her news with her new paramour. The Templar looked like he would faint, but he dropped to his knee there and then, proposing with only his words and an eager smile. She looked happy, but he knew she was a good liar.

He left before he could see anymore that followed, promising himself to leave her alone for good this time. She had someone else to protect her.

Over the next few weeks, he heard stories. The noble woman marrying the handsome young Knight Captain. It was to be a great social event, the Knight Commander herself proclaiming her support for the young couple. Of course, it was rumored that she was pregnant. Why else would such a wealthy woman marry outside the nobility? And so quickly to boot?

Anders received these rumors with a half-hearted smile, focusing on his patients' injuries and trying not to think of her.

oOoOoOo

He woke with a knee to his stomach. He fell over, Justice lurking in his frame as he stood, his body brewing with power. Another blow to his jaw sent him across the room as he was bound, his mana sucked from him. He found himself gagged and dragged from the clinic, trying to fight back as he was pushed down the steps to his clinic.

He looked up, seeing the face of the Templars, and his heart raced. Before the last blow to his head, he thought of Hawke, and prayed she was safe.