Since my ill-fated foray into the realm of fantasy, I had begun to acquire some rather unusual habits. I suddenly developed a fondness for extremely rare steak, and for dressing all in black- fortunately, due to my profession I had no shortage of dark clothing. Likewise, I began to prefer traveling by night, and was amazed to find that I could see exceedingly well in the dark, even when there was no moon to guide me. But most startling of all, I noticed that not only had my canine teeth grown long and pointed, but there was a decided red glint to my eyes.

I tried hard to avoid other people until I could find some way of ridding myself of this malady, since I highly doubted that making an attack on some hapless bystander would increase my popularity, but sooner or later I was bound to meet someone, which, as you will soon see, I did.

I had come by this time to a more modern region, which seemed to be modeled off the present day United States. The area I was in was luckily mostly wooded, so I was able to keep out of sight and was left in peace, excluding the sounds of the "cars" on the highway about half a mile away. As I rode on one evening at about twilight, I saw, on glancing over my shoulder, that someone was following me, and soon I realized that there were no less than five people, all dressed in black and wearing silver chains and thick eyeliner.

"Excuse me," said I, "But is there any particular reason that you are following me about?"

"Uhhh… Are those real?" asked a boy in pale makeup, pointing at my fangs.

"You know, it isn't very polite to point out another person's flaws- especially when it's something they have no control over!" I replied with a little annoyance.

"See! I told you he's a real vampire!"

"That's so awesome!" several of them said together.

"Not really- seeing that I'm a clergyman, it certainly interferes with my being able to perform my job properly."

They ignored this comment and immediately began to entreat me to bite them so they could be vampires too.

"Do you really want to be a social outcast like I've become?" I asked.

"We're already social outcasts anyways." A girl piped up.

"But what will your parents think?"

"They don't care, as long as we keep up our grades and don't drink underage!"

"But aren't you afraid it might hurt?"

"Not really." said the chorus of Goths together, and would listen to no other reasoning.

Reader, I hope that you do not think very ill of me for my following actions- after all, they did plead with such insistence, and I really had eaten almost nothing that day. About half an hour later, I was feeling very pleasantly full and there were now five teenaged vampires sitting beside me.

"Now remember, pray don't wreak havoc on your town, or the area surrounding it, since it would be terrible for me to have been the cause of such a menace." I made them promise that they would keep their bloodlust to either the willing or to whatever they could buy at their local butcher's shop, and then continued on my way.

Nothing very remarkable happened for the next few days, other than that I began to feel extremely guilty for the event mentioned before, and was as penitent as a vampire could be.

It was not until I reached a creepy abandoned churchyard that I began to feel very uneasy, as if I were being watched. I looked all around but saw nothing but weathered headstones and the occasional ghost (it being near Halloween, after all), but neither were the cause of my anxiety. All of a sudden, I heard a rustling behind me. I whirled around and saw something I did not expect- there, perched on one of the tombstones was a small, dark-haired woman wearing a long trench-coat.

"Hello, Mr. Bertram." said she with a smile that did not seem very friendly.

I looked at her for a moment before having a sudden and unpleasant realization.

"Miss Crawford- is that you!?" I cried with astonishment. "What are you doing out in a graveyard by yourself?"

Now, considering that we had not seen each other since the last unfortunate meeting in our novel, it is needless to say that I was feeling extremely awkward.

"I might ask you the same question." she continued, standing up. "What brings you from Mansfield Park?"

"Well, I've been trying to establish myself as the hero of another genre, since I have very few supporters in my own."

"Oh. That is precisely what I have been doing!"

"What are you trying to be?" I asked politely.

She reached into her pocket and took out a slender wooden rod with a sharpened point.

"A vampire slayer."

I would have turned pale if I were not already as pallid as I could be, but I backed away slowly as she brandished the stake. There are many ardent admirers of the Crawfords who find them to be witty and quite moral enough for any reasonable person, but it is my hope that this encounter, which I swear is as true as any incident in the book, will be enough to acquit me of the charge of dropping a fascinating and wonderful woman to marry an insipid bore.

"If you're trying to take revenge on me, I really don't see why- after all, I almost certainly would have married you if you had not taken such a light view of your brother's sins! Why can't we come to some compromise over this? We are Austen characters, after all, and not supposed to kill each other!"

"Hmph!" said Miss Crawford, still advancing. "I knew that you were overly moral, but I didn't think you were a coward as well!"

"I was raised to believe that it was dishonourable to attack a woman, Madam. I am no coward, and if you think I will not defend myse-"

I would have said more, but we were suddenly interrupted by a wild, piercing yell.

"What was-" Miss Crawford began, but before she had time to react, something small and light coloured rushed out of the woods and barreled into her. It quickly took the lady to the ground and pummeled her mercilessly, screaming unintelligibly all the while. At last, its opponent was vanquished and it slowly got to its feet and smoothed its fair hair and, coming softly over to me, revealed itself to be none other than my wife!

"You saved my life, dear Fanny!" I exclaimed, embracing her.

"She was trying to kill you!?"

This was not quite the answer I expected, but I was still grateful for this Deus ex Machina, and told her so in the warmest terms. Despite such encouragement, I was surprised to see that she burst into tears.

"Oh Edmund, I'm so sorry!" she sobbed.

"Come now, what are you sorry for?" I said gently.

"I've ruined your story- You have to label it as OOC [out of character now and it is sure not to be taken as seriously! What a wicked, ungrateful creature I am!"

"But Fanny, most people have been wanting you to fight back for centuries! Surely you are gratifying them much more than you are offending. I wouldn't be surprised if this incident was the beginning of your rise in reputation."

She was mollified enough by this to cease crying, and we decided to leave the cemetery before Miss Crawford regained consciousness, lest she try to take revenge, as no doubt she would.

"But you still haven't been cured of your vampirism, Edmund." said Fanny after a few minutes. "How will you take up your parish duties again when you return if you cannot even enter the church?"

"I don't know. What can I do with myself?" I sighed.

"Wait! What about the breath-mints my Uncle gave you in the second chapter?"

"Of course! Why hadn't I thought of it before!?"

I rummaged through my knapsack until I felt the small, rounded tin and pulled it out. With great alacrity I took a mint and was about to pop it into my mouth when the moon, which had been hidden by clouds, shone forth brightly and much to our chagrin, we heard several wild howls in the distance.

"What are the chances of your being able to go into a violent rage again, my dear?" I asked.

"It was entirely wrong of me, Edmund, and I intend never to do so again!" was her decisive answer.

"Then I think my cure must wait."