Over the following couple of weeks, Myka and Helena's interactions were limited to a few times a day. Myka would bring Helena lunch every afternoon and they would eat together while Helena continued to work. And then there were the late nights, when they would catch up on each other's days and "canoodle" as Myka had taken to calling their makeout sessions, which made Helena giggle to no end. But other than that, they rarely saw one another.
Myka understood the circumstances. She understood that there was nothing she could do to change it. She also understood that there was no end in sight and that it frustrated her to have to sit idly by while the person she loved spent the majority of her waking moments working.
When Helena wasn't at Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Lattimer's house, everyone was disappointed. Myka hadn't been the only one to stay in Cleveland for the holiday – Steve and Claudia had both expressed a desire to stick around and thus, their little Orphans' Thanksgiving had been born. They each cooked a part of the meal, some more successful than others, and had the chance to meet Pete's older sister, Jeannie, who had come back for the holiday. She had been more than willing to teach each of them sign language for names they could call Pete when he was bothering them, to the chagrin of Mrs. Lattimer. The meal was delicious and everyone expressed their sincere thanks for having a family to be with on Thanksgiving. Mrs. Lattimer and Jeannie left the four of them to clean up while they went out to see a movie, a Thanksgiving tradition that Pete decided to skip this year.
The Cleveland Browns weren't playing on the television (at the dinner table, Pete said he was thankful that he wouldn't have to scream at the tv all day) and no one else much cared for football, so they were all lounging around the living room, chatting.
When Steve asked Myka where Helena was, she told everyone that she had to work. Claudia perked up at the mention. "Man, I have never seen that girl take a break. We have a few classes together, but I literally don't think I've ever been in that building without seeing her working on something."
Myka tried to steer away from the conversation, but it was hard not to want to talk about Helena. "She works hard. She's got a lot to handle and she does it pretty magnificently." Yes, she was very proud of her.
"Oh jeez, Mykes, we get it, you're in loooooove." Pete sing-songed the word tauntingly and Myka threw him one of the signs Jeannie had taught her. Pete pretended like she had just stabbed him in the heart and held his chest painfully.
"Yeah, but, what is she always doing? I mean, we're first years. Isn't the point to take the easy classes this year, have fun, and then get cracking later?" Claudia had started looking through Pete's old video games to see if there was anything to do that wouldn't require moving.
"Well, she has to work a lot…" Myka didn't know how much to share, but for some reason, she felt like Helena was being attacked and that she had to defend her. "Her dad's sick and her family needs money, so she helps them out. I think it's pretty noble."
"Wow… this group's got a helluva track record with dads." Pete sighed. They all took a moment to acknowledge the situation, but when the silence lasted a little too long, Pete jumped up from the couch. "Now, Myka, watch me proceed to kick your ass at Mario Kart."
And he did.
Pete was staying at home for the night, so after Steve and Myka dropped Claudia off at her dorm, they walked the rest of the way to Hitchcock House together.
"Not that I want to pry or be nosy, but Pete might have mentioned that… thing had progressed between you and Helena."
"Yes, they have." Myka wasn't sure how much of this she wanted to share yet. She was protective of it. And though she didn't think it was fragile, it was still pretty new.
"Well, if you ever want to talk about what's happening or how you're feeling or any confusion you're having, I'm happy to be your sounding board." They walked on in silence until Myka finally responded.
"You know Steve, I don't really think I'm confused about any of this. I've never really thought about Helena being a woman. I've just thought about her being Helena. And that's good."
Steve smiled back at Myka. "Yes, that is good."
When they arrived back at the dorm, Steve dropped Myka off at her door and Helena was already there waiting for her. All three of them caught up for a bit and before Steve headed to his room, he turned back. "Helena, Myka told us about your dad and, well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And if there's anything I can do…" Steve trailed off when he saw the looks on both of the girls' faces. Myka, frantic, eyes wide, staring at Helena. Helena herself, forehead furrowed, lips pursed, looking at the floor.
Steve certainly was feeling emotionally giving tonight, but maybe it wasn't the best time for that. "Well, good night." He would let them handle this on their own. And maybe next time he would keep his mouth shut.
The girls continued to stand in silence, Myka's eyes on Helena and Helena's anywhere but on Myka. She didn't understand why Helena seemed so angry, but she knew she was.
"Myka, what exactly did you tell everyone about my father?"
This needed to be handled delicately, so Myka was going to have to verbally tiptoe through her answer. "Well… Claudia asked why you're always so busy, so I told them that you work a lot and said how great you are at handling that and when they asked more questions I said that you have to work because your dad is sick and your family needs money." Well. That came out more like a verbal performance of "Stomp." Great.
Helena spoke slowly, choosing her words carefully. "Myka, I told you that in confidence. I'd prefer in the future that you keep private things private." She finally looked at Myka and her eyes were glassy. There were tears welling up. But her eyes were also colder than Myka had ever seen them and all she felt was shame. She had let Helena down.
"Well, Helena," Myka crossed her arms over her chest and her tone became icy as well, "I'd prefer if you actually gave me any sort of information about what it is that's going on so I know what's meant to be private and what's not." Myka wasn't sure why she was lashing out, but she was embarrassed, and there was no way to fix this.
"Yes. Well. I brought you some pie from the dinner where I was working. Pumpkin. It's in the refrigerator." and Helena walked out the door.
Myka wanted to follow her, but she could tell it wasn't the time and Helena wasn't going to respond well to it. So she put on her pajamas and got into Helena's bed with the copy of "A Fault in Our Stars" that Helena had wanted her to read. She would have gone and washed up in the bathroom, but she assumed that's where Helena was, so she would wait. She didn't end up reading much, only picturing Helena's disappointment in her head and it made her feel nauseous.
After about thirty minutes, Helena returned and rolled her eyes when she saw Myka reading in her bed. "Myka, I'd rather not…"
Myka cut her off without looking up from her book. "Just because you're angry at me doesn't mean I'm not sleeping next to you tonight. You can be angry at me, you can not want to talk to me, but I'm not going anywhere."
Myka finally looked up after she received nothing but silence as a response. "I am truly sorry for betraying your trust. It wasn't intentional."
Helena turned toward the closet and began fumbling with her clothes, needing to do something with herself. Her words were soft. "I think that maybe this is getting too complicated and we should just go back to being roommates."
Myka suddenly felt like something from the very center of her body was pulling her insides down into a hole. And the hole wasn't violent. It was just cold. She had to fight every inclination that she had to burst into tears. So this was that other ephemeral thing. This was that shout that people tried to tune out. This was heartbreak.
She got down from the bed and approached Helena and turned her around. She still wouldn't look her in the eye and a calm came over Myka as she cupped Helena's face in her hands and found her eyes. "Helena, I get that you're scared and angry, but you don't get to make this decision on your own. You don't get to walk out of the room without talking to me and then try to break up with me. If you want to have a conversation about this and at the end of it, you still want to go back to being just roommates, fine. But that's it then, Helena. We break up and that's it. I'm not gonna play any games. I will still be your friend and I will still love you, but that's it."
The tears had begun to fall down Helena's face again and she tried to get out of Myka's grasp and run out the door, but Myka pulled her back into a hug and the sobs finally released. "You're the one who told me not to apologize for having emotions, Helena. It's okay. It's okay to feel things."
Helena began to crumple, and Myka held her delicately as they both landed on the floor. They were tears streaming down Myka's face too. But Helena's sobs were the kind where everything came out. Her hurt and her fear. Her frustration and her sleep-deprivation. She never slowed down enough to let herself have any of these emotions. So now it was coming out all at once, and she thought that she should feel embarrassed, embarrassed to be getting snot all over Myka's pajamas and grasping onto her like a child. But more than anything she just felt relieved. Relieved that Myka hadn't turned away, that she had made her stay and fall apart in front of her instead of alone.
Helena cried until it felt like it was all gone, tearless sobs pulling themselves out of her every once in a while. She laid in Myka's lap silently, without moving, as Myka stroked her head. Eventually Myka leaned down and placed a kiss on Helena's temple. "I do love you. And my answer's no. I don't want to 'just go back to being roommates.'"
Helena was too tired to smile, but her whole body relaxed into Myka's. "I love you too."
Helena knew that there still hung between them all of the things she hadn't been able to tell Myka about her life. She just didn't know how to explain it. Helena had heard from Myka how terrible her relationship with her father was and sympathized with her, but she wasn't sure that Myka could understand her own relationship with her father. It was complicated, so very complicated.
But she was working to fix that. She would fix that. Professor Frederic had been looking over her research, guiding her into new ideas, new ways to explore perception and action and she thought with enough time and enough work, she could bring her father back. She had to bring her father back.
"Myka…" Helena finally sat up, pressing her forehead against Myka's, "I think there are some things I should tell you."